Katie's Thoughts and Ideas

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

The Travel Bug

Travelling has always felt like an opportunity for new and unique experiences; be it a vacation or a more permanent move. Since childhood I have always looked forward to leaving town and seeing where I could go. Even small daytrips across town were exciting for me. These days I have travelled much farther, of course, and very soon will be doing so again. I find a few things to be key in being an effective traveler, beyond packing light.

For the most part, travelling effectively is a mindset. If you go prepared to stay in a hotel alone, it becomes difficult to be open to experiences. Now, of course there are some people who prefer things that way, but for me it is much more important to be willing to let the trip guide you in some way. Strict plans and schedules make this difficult as well, though they can be helpful. However, the willingness to let go of those plans and follow an instinct is what makes trips memorable. This past summer, I visited London with a clearly laid-out plan of everything I wanted to do. Not only did I let go of my plan, but I found many new and exciting places to go in its place. I released all expectations of the trip as well; though I anticipated it would be life changing, I didn’t cling to any idea of what that might mean. Any preconceived notion I had of the place wouldn’t help my experience but hinder it.

These tactics might be difficult to apply to certain situations, like attending work-related events or conferences. Here, the key lies in the people you meet. Taking up opportunity as it presents itself is something I always live by, and connections are often the best source of it. As an introvert it has taken some time to feel like I am capable of doing this, but I find it easier and easier to let conversations flow and jump on chances I might not get again. These things, again, might not be for those who like to plan a strict schedule; I say this as someone who usually does. While the connections you make might not lead to lasting relationships, they’re something to remember fondly. I recall again my weeks in London where I went not knowing any of my classmates and came back with friends. I came back with stories of people who I may never see again but have left warm imprints on my memory. These are people I am grateful to have met and spent time with abroad, who helped me along my journey and to take risks I may not have thought to before.

My final bit of advice is simply to remember that distance, no matter how small, means something new. Perhaps it is new streets or weather, restaurants or landscapes. It is worthwhile to note the differences from what you’re used to – whether they’re positive or negative. Noticing these things makes you appreciate the subtle difference between where you’re used to and not, and can strengthen the love for your home. I am the kind of person who relishes in this and finds little adventures in things as simple as being at a different grocery store than I’m used to. Even those small changes can be fun for me, and I recommend them for even the nervous travelers. Without moments of interest, why travel? The experience is what you remember, and creates the memories that you can reflect on. Trying to make the most of those moments is what makes a trip successful, in my opinion.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Returning to an Old Self

Returning to my creative process has taken weeks, if not months to do. Since the fall, I have been involved in projects and productions where I have been a mere participant; a dancer, performer, or student. However, as of late I have begun taking more initiative in creative projects. For example (perhaps a bit of a lame example) I am currently playing the Dragon Age video games, where I get to customize a character and make decisions that can affect my relationships with other characters, as well as the plot. I am also beginning to work on my senior project where I am required to choreograph, in addition to a choreography class. I have even begun to reflect on old writing and discussing ideas with friends. These are just a few of the things that have been getting my creative mind going once more, and I find that this is a vital outlet I was missing in my life.

Back in middle and high school, my creative involvement was always at work; for whatever reason, I always had ideas flowing easily. In classes I would often doodle character concepts and daydream about the stories I wanted to write. If it wasn’t that, I was imagining dances and songs that I wanted to put movement to. I even recall a few times where I choreographed entire music videos or movie trailers in my mind while on long road trips. I imagine that this was the tail end of my years of childhood, where whimsical daydreaming came much more naturally. As I grow up, I find I am less inclined to go out of my way for creative ideas and make something of them. It is easy to become lazy and go with the natural flow of things; wake up, go to school, come home, got to bed. However, just like with exercising, it’s important to stretch and work out your creative muscles and think outside the box for even a little while.

I have discussed before how dance is an essential part to my daily life, which as a result keeps me happy, healthy, and occupied. When I do not dance, I find myself feeling incomplete and lazy, my body tired and less energetic. I may not have realized it until recently, but my mind had a similar feeling without any creative expression in it. While I play video games or write story ideas, I feel rejuvenated and energized; I can think more critically, and no longer feel restrained by my mundane, daily routine. Though to some extent I express this with my dancing, I think being the one directing the movement or creating the ideas has helped me work even harder at this. As a word of advice for my performing friends, I recommend improvisation as a means of expressing yourself in this way. Without guidelines or boundaries, you are free to move and perform as feels good to you – not necessarily what looks good or has meaning.

Recently I remembered a time where the sight of a blank Word document was exciting. I remember, even as a kid, seeing the little, blinking line on a blank page and thinking to myself that this white rectangle could become anything I wanted it to. I could write a character bio, or a full story, or make pictures. When I hear a song, it could become a dance or performance or even just a means of meditating in my own thoughts for a while. Paper can become a two dimensional drawing or a three dimensional origami. All of this is limited only to what I decide to do. Some days, all I want to do is go home and go to bed. But these days, committing myself to a little time with music or paper or a blank word document has done me some good, and making me think “What if?”

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Closing the Curtain

This weekend, we celebrated the closing night of the musical A Chorus Line at our local dinner theatre. On the one hand, I was relieved; finally, no more long nights, stressful time schedules, or curlers and hairspray. Yet, as I cleared my station of photographs, took down my name, and put my costumes into bins, a sense of heartbreak set in. It was hard to watch what I had built be put away for good; months of sweat and emotional dedication was nothing but a fleeting moment. That is the beauty of live theater, of course, but as the performer leaving that behind is hard. In my case, Valerie Clark had become a part of who I am. I find myself talking and standing like she does on stage; I found myself in her. It is difficult to imagine not being at the theatre every day to do the show, and yet at the same time I feel free from it. More so, I can’t imagine a life where I didn’t take A Chorus Line’s story with me. As a dancer, its plot speaks to me deeply and reminds me that any time on the stage could be my last. It was that thought which brought me to tears as I drove myself home that night.

A Chorus Line is a musical written about the dancers. At an audition in New York, a group of dancers tell the stories of their lives; how they grew up and became who they are today. Each person’s story and personality are unique, especially because it was originally written about the actors who performed it on Broadway. Michael Bennett, the director and choreographer of A Chorus Line, interviewed real dancers to find out about their lives, which he later turned into a musical. This is why the stories told are so real and deep and meaningful; many dancers can relate in some way or another to at least one of the characters. They range in ethnicity, gender, sexuality, and upbringing. Some love ballet, others tap and jazz. Yet they all found themselves at the same audition that day. The musical is a beautiful representation of dancers of many kinds, and the struggles they go through to perform.

The true takeaway of A Chorus Line comes to light when one of the dancers injures themselves during the audition. It is a painful reminder of the fact that dancers have a short time in which they can perform. It is a fact that many dancers try to ignore or postpone as long as they can, but there is always a possibility that it can end in an instant. This idea is what the song “What I Did for Love” is all about; dancers do not regret all the sacrifice they made in order to do what they love. They are willing to give up job security, move away from their families, and risk their bodies in order to perform because it is that important to them.

These themes are the things I thought about in my car on my way home after our last show. As I near the end of my college life and have to prepare to move on, I wonder if this might have been the last time I’ll find myself onstage in a musical. Even more, what if that were my last time dancing at all? While it might be unlikely, I feel very aware that my life as a dancer could be very close to its end. Though I plan to avoid that as much as I can, it isn’t always up to me and what I do. My health, the opportunities I find, and where my life go can all lead me down paths that keep me from performing. If I were to settle down and try to start a life with someone, or pursue a career outside of dancing, it’s likely I may never be able to do it again. Yet I remain hopeful. I will always try to do what I love, and dance is very dear to me. I will always try my best, but remember that being able to dance is a gift. I have to appreciate what I have while I have it, and be grateful that I’ve had it as long as I have.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Dance Styles: Ballet

As dancers, there are so many ways that we distinguish who we are. Often we are asked “what kind of dance” we do, and I have already expressed in previous blogs how that question makes me feel. However, despite my personal qualms with it, these distinguishing factors can cause dancers to develop differently, with varying interests and abilities. In particular, a type of dance that I never felt particularly attached to was ballet. While I took ballet class once or twice a week through my childhood, more dedicated studios would have children in class every day. My experience involved various teachers of different methods, and I often felt detached from the art of ballet as a result. In many ways I did not feel like I could ever enjoy ballet; I was not petite, nor agile, nor flexible like “real” ballerinas. The effort it took to look flawless did not seem achievable to my young self, and so I attached to my jazz and lyrical dancing.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that my detachment from ballet had more than some body image issues attached to it. Ballet is the oldest, most organized dance form and is the foundation of almost all other concert dance that exists today. The importance of understanding technique is what builds a strong dancer; without it, it is difficult. I often see this among my peers. The ones who were trained as ballerinas since their youth have a much simpler time catching on to other styles. When friends of mine ask where they should start with dance, the answer is always ballet. It is challenging both mentally and physically, but having that knowledge in your pocket will undoubtedly make a dancer far stronger.

Additionally, ballet has a sense of artistry to it unlike many other styles. Ballerinas often had to be actors as well as agile performers; their facial expression, body language, and musicality all tell a story without words. A sense of flawlessness must attend soloists and corps dancers alike, and an eternal sense of breath and ease follows it. I think this is the biggest reason I found difficulty in associating with ballet; especially as I grew into a teenager, I had little “ease” in my dancing, and I couldn’t stand the idea of tainting the art of ballet with my performance. I was far more interested in the dancing of boys in ballet. “Masculine” dancing meant pirouettes, leaps, and challenging combinations unlike the petite nature of women. Men tended to be heroes, while women were gentle creatures to be protected.

So my sense of respect for ballet was what kept me from studying it. Now in college I am expected to understand the history and development of the art, as well as perform it. Though I still feel far inferior (and like my training could have been much stronger), I believe that ballet is a form of dance that continues to teach me the beauty of simplicity and technique, not to mention expression. I wish I had spent my childhood becoming a disciplined ballet dancer, though of course there is notorious self-consciousness and physical issues associated with the art as well. Regardless, I feel as though being trained in it would have made me more aware of my body’s capabilities and the gorgeous history associated with the development of dance as it is today. Perhaps then I wouldn’t be so afraid of being “like a lady” with petite movements to compliment a petite body. For the moment, I continue to attempt an understanding at least, while appreciating its beauty from afar.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Hometown Happiness

It seems like in the blink of an eye my college career has begun and nearly ended. I am consistently impressed with how little time has seemed to pass, and yet how greatly I have changed in that time. Since 2014, when I began college, I have been in four musicals, five dance shows, and hundreds of hours of classes. I have made and lost friends, gained skills, and changed my view of the world over and over again. My goals changed, as did my interests. Yet it seems like these changes happened in a flash and I would never have noticed if I didn’t look back at who I was. One of the most important things I have learned since the end of high school is actually the importance of going to my local university. While I may have learned many of my lessons at any other school I would have attended, I think the fact that I stayed in my hometown affected me in a different way.

High school gave me the impression that if I did not go to an out-of-state school I would never be successful. I would never leave home, I would never have the experiences that my peers had, I would never grow up. I remember many of my high school friends seeing me as a failure for staying home to go to college. At the time, that broke my heart to know that people I cared for thought so little of me. This made me think down on myself, making me depressed about my choice. For a long time, I felt I would be having a terrible education.

It wasn’t until later in college that I began to appreciate what I had. Many of my professors were worldly, experienced people with great knowledge to share, and they had taken interest in my education. I was fortunate to be living at home, where I didn’t have to pay rent and was able to live with people I love and care for. I had freedom to explore and find what it is I want to do. I was able to be in shows, participate in projects, and listen to guest speakers. The idea of leaving home, though attractive, reminds me that I might not have had those opportunities other places. I would not have met the same people who have now changed my life. I might have been distracted by a need for money, a sense of loneliness, a lack of performances. I might not have been in a place where I was able to find a love of dance again. That idea saddens me, of course, as I know the dance community here at home is small and intimate where others are not. What’s even more, being at home has allowed me to analyze and realize the benefits and faults of my community. There is goodness and safety here at home, though limits that I realize are difficult to overcome. But that then teaches me how to move on from those limits. The issues I see from where I now stand give me inspiration of how to pursue my future, and it keeps me humble to the idea that I will not always have all I need right at my fingertips.

To hear other peers talk so poorly about their hometown and its schooling aggravates me. This is especially true when I see peers who have returned home; those who left with the idea that their hometown would hold them back, only to return anyway. This fog that is leftover from the toxicity of competition and being the best among other high school students keeps people from appreciating where they are from. More so, it clouds the idea that the education others receive is lesser in some way. I feel that my opportunities by being home, though perhaps limited, are not preventing me from going anywhere else in the world. During college I have been to Europe, Mexico, Hawaii, and cities all across the state despite everything, and I am extremely fortunate for it. Even more, I have had the time to really know what I want, whereas at eighteen I had no clue. At least now I have some idea of where I want to be and a game plan of how to get there.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

True Meaning of Dance

After a few long conversations with some friends who perform, I have come to understand how the arts affect all of us differently. For some people, something that started as entertainment became an important element to their personality. For others, they want to perform professionally. Some simply don’t know what they want to do with it. For a long time, I found myself in a strange limbo where I knew how much I loved the art of dance, but the environment I was in made me incredibly unhappy. By college, I assumed I would slowly stop dancing, but found myself unable to leave it behind. I must say, the decision to hang on a bit longer was one of the best of my life, because after becoming a dance major I discovered the depth and intricate nature of studying dance beyond performing. The commercial aspect of dance was only a small facet of what I was capable of understanding. Dance has a history, many techniques, and no wrong answers. The contemporary movement shows us that dance can be anything one can imagine; showy backflips and lifts, ballet technique, or even no movement at all.

I find that the reason I want to perform is connected to my emotional attachment to dance. After reading and understanding where the art comes from, I discovered an appreciation for its history and development. However, I also discovered a cathartic experience when I dance. Despite everything I might experience leading into a performance, I always find a release during a performance that makes it all worthwhile. In my recent appearance of A Chorus Line at the UTEP Dinner Theater, I always feel choked up during the finale. I think about how influential dancing has been in my life, and how I can’t imagine what my life would be like without it. Yes, it’s cheesy, but it is difficult to explain the exhilarating feeling of a successful performance.

Dance, for me, has always been a saving grace for that catharsis of performing, but it also keeps me active and healthy when done correctly. I am given a means of exercise that I love, of course, but also a means of sharpening my mind and focusing my attention. There are mental, physical, and emotional connections to this and many performing art forms. Yet, it is easy for one to become obsessed with simply performing and looking the best one can for the audience. I find it much more important to make performing an experience for the self rather than the audience. If a dancer is physically starved and miserable, the audience won’t enjoy a performance regardless. It becomes fake and unimpressive as a result, in my opinion.

Having a true love of dance has made me stronger in my life because I always have a support. Even if the environment I am in is unhealthy, I find it easy to lose myself in the art. It’s a sort of therapy of mine, which is why the commercial performance world was never for me. My studies have led me down this path and I am grateful that this is where I have ended up. More importantly, I am really pleased to see that commercialism is not all there is to dance; in fact, it is far deeper and more meaningful as a whole.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Crazy Cat Mom

The past few months have taught me a lot about myself and my goals for my life after college. However, one of the things that has helped me grow the most is the addition of two little kittens in my life. While I knew I always wanted cats, I never anticipated the lessons they would teach me about responsibility, caretaking, and most importantly loving something besides yourself. I have also learned a lot about the nature of young cats and why it was so important for my family to take them in, as my eyes have been opened to the problems in the system of kill-shelters and abandoned animals.

We got our kittens at 4 weeks old; they appeared abandoned with their littermates, without a mother. Most of the time kittens are adopted out at 8 weeks, meaning that these kitties were separated from their mother before it was time. This meant a few things for us; for one, bottle feeding. While they were of an age to be weaned, it was still a transitional period for them and solid food was not necessarily ideal for them just yet. So, bottle feeding became part of our routine with them, feeding every few hours. This was intimidating and challenging with four people who work or are at school for many hours a day. It was clear that these babies needed someone to pay close attention to them frequently, and I even brought them to school with me one day to watch them. Yet, I found myself both worrying and caring for these two babies so much that they were all I could think about throughout my day anyway. If they were fed, warm, happy…it was more important to me than anything else for several weeks. I had never felt this way about anything else in my life, and I can only imagine it’s like having a human baby. Additionally, I never felt so loved and needed by something before. These kitties were helpless without us and seemed so happy when we were around that it warmed my heart to be with them every day.

Now, the kitties are much older and far more self-reliant – after just a few weeks, we were able to trust them to eat and poop and help themselves however they needed to. But as I watch my kitties grow and the more research I do on how to care for them, the more I realize how fortunate they were to be taken in. As it turns out, kittens under 8 weeks old (the age where kittens can be adopted) have an extremely difficult time when they are brought to shelters. They are unable to get constant attention, are exposed to sicknesses they cannot be vaccinated for yet, and are often euthanized as a result. This unfortunate circumstance happens quite often to kitties brought to shelters, which many people might not realize. If it was difficult for me to care for them every two hours, imagine what their lives might have been without me? I was also quite fortunate my kitties came to me without fleas, disease, or any other issues; many young abandoned kittens have these things and it is up to the rescuers to help them out. As I did research on the issue, I discovered several good programs to help these young lives, such as kitten nurseries and foster programs. In a foster program, normal people can volunteer to take animals into their homes and take care of them for a short time, with all of the supplies provided to them. For kittens under 8 weeks, this could be a life saver!

I continually find it amazing how my new family members seemed to just fall into our laps in just the right way. We were able to not only care for them, but save them from a possibly deadly circumstance otherwise. They are happy, healthy, and much loved in our home and they have brought much happiness to us as well. It has been a long time since I have seen the kind of joy these kittens bring to us. There is something about their innocent and childish nature that makes us appreciate simple things again, and having two little ones to love and care for brings the family closer together.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

A New Year Reflection

At last, the new year has arrived. It’s always interesting to see how a year seems to fly, but thinking back to months passed seems so distant. A year can change a person entirely quite easily, or pass with little occurring at all. However, I like to believe that we are all in a constant state of change, whether we notice or not. For this reason, I want to take an opportunity to reflect on myself and what I’ve been through, as well as my goals for the future.

Since last winter, I think I feel safe to say that my confidence in myself and my decisions has increased to some degree. A good example of this is in regard to my relationship; where two years ago I might have been nervous to talk about it, I feel now that I have enough confidence in what we have to address it comfortably. This is also the case with other decisions or actions people may question. These days, when I commit to something I want to do I will stay committed until the end. I am also becoming unafraid to admit what makes me unhappy, rather than burying it deep down and pretending that it does not exist. Perhaps if I continue to develop on this path I will find a means of actually changing the things that make me so unhappy; my greatest flaw has always been becoming complacent with unhappiness. I also spend too much time trying to make others happier than me. Often this and the last one go hand in hand, but I found myself staying quiet and tolerating the things I did not approve of. On another note, there have also been big events in my life; I have been fortunate enough to travel to Hawaii, study in London, and visit my boyfriend in Washington. My family has adopted two kittens and gone through some positive changes as well. I embarked on new projects and goals, including this blog! I played video games, went to parties, took some risks. I bonded with friends and made new ones as well. In 2017 I stepped out of my comfort zone quite often.

In 2018, I hope to continue some good habits from the past year and do away with the ones that only hurt me. I want to embark on new adventures in more far off places, and take more risks, as well, but that sounds almost too stereotypical of a new year’s resolution. What’s more important to me is focus on improving myself and continuing to live for me first. For instance, I want to care less of what people think of me (though this is probably the most difficult goal) and do what I need to in order to make that happen. I’m trying to find that it is okay to say no and it is okay to disappoint people sometimes. Additionally, as said before, I need to not only recognize the things that make me unhappy but actually make an effort to change them rather than sit back and take it. This goes on multiple fronts; in my education, in my beliefs, in my relationships, etc. My tendency to go quiet and slip into the background will keep me from leading the life I want to, I think, and it will be my hope that I can do this more in 2018. And of course there are some of the more simple goals; work out more, eat better, get organized, and so on. But out of all I know some things that await me that I greatly look forward to. In 2018, I hope to see my boyfriend again, though I do not know where, when, or how. I hope to have an internship in the summer and be graduating with two degrees come winter. I will perform and dance and study like I always have, making memories along the way. More importantly, I will see my friends continue with their lives and take inspiration from them and their exploits. I am anxious to see where 2018 goes for me and those that I love, as I believe it will be a big one for many of us.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

A Christmas Blog Post

The past few weeks have been very busy; I took time off for finals, and then had my wisdom teeth removed, and now the holidays are fast approaching. It seems the older I get the quicker holidays come and go, which leads to me forgetting the importance at times. Now, maybe that sounds like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, but my issue leans more in the direction of being “so busy” that I cannot enjoy the holidays for what they are. Since they fly by so quickly, I don’t allow myself a moment to appreciate a special day with special people, and I think the older we get the more often this happens. Then, as a result, we try so hard to force an enjoyable time that it simply leads to stress and drama. Yet some of my favorite holiday memories are those where I could step back and dedicate the time needed to those I want to be with.

As children, holidays like Christmas are all about the stuff we get and the fun times we can have; playing in snow, watching movies, eating sweets, etc. When it comes to being an adult for the holidays, a lot has to be done to ensure that others can enjoy it. Decorating, baking, shopping, wrapping, and preparing for company are just a few items on the list of things to do before the big day. I find myself trying to help my family accomplish many of these goals, and just my part alone can feel overwhelming at times. While all this preparation can be enjoyable, it seems to just contribute to holiday stress (especially when added on to work schedules, finals, and rehearsals). Once all the preparation is done, however, it seems to be the big day and there is little way to sit back and enjoy it; things could still go wrong, after all, and in many cases there are still day-of events to partake in.

This is a cycle that I have been developing more recently as I get on through college, especially since I live at home and help prepare. I see my family spiral down the same hole, and we end up annoyed and angry with each other very easily. Yet, I can’t help but feel that this is not what the holiday season should be about; we are meant to be closer and appreciative of what we have, not constantly ask for more. The idea of Christmas lists and demands for food or certain celebrations seems so small in comparison to what we should be doing to celebrate. Perhaps a holiday would be even more special without all of these things (and yes, now I seem to be going into The Grinch territory).

My goal for this holiday season is to attempt to take a moment to sit back and enjoy where I am. I want to think of all the things I am grateful for and remind myself that not everyone gets to have what I do for the holidays. I am lucky to have family who loves me and presents to give and get, I am lucky to have a Christmas at all. I am lucky to have decorations in my house, let alone the house itself. I have two new kittens in my life who I adore so dearly that I can’t imagine a life without them. So really, I should be grateful for the holidays and what they bring to me and my family, rather than focus in on the stress and material things involved. And I should not allow myself to let them fly by either; they only come once a year, and there will be times where the holidays may not be as happy. I want to appreciate these few days for what they are, and make the most of them. These are just a few of my goals for this holiday season, but I hope they continue to last so I never feel like I’m squandering the time. Who knows what years yet to come might bring? Now I’m being A Christmas Carol…I guess there are some good messages I’m taking after.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

A Matter of Character

Whether it be gaming, choreography, or the essay you developed last night for your English class, everything we make has a story attached to it. Obviously, much art has some form of a “story” it wants to tell, be it chronologically or not. But I feel in many mediums – art, film, books, even music – have plateaued in their subject matter. I, of course, speak mostly from a dance background, but regardless it is often the same. For example, many superhero movies tell a similar tale; a misunderstood person with superpowers must overcome their social/emotional unstableness and save the day. While this varies from time to time, this general formula mixed with different powers and situations makes up a great amount of superhero movies. Though this does not always make them less entertaining, it does make things dull after a while, especially after sequels and prequels of similar ilk. The key to many of these movies, as plenty of people have recently seen, is to mix in strong character to keep an audience engaged with the traditional plot. Perhaps consider this just a first step in improving an otherwise stereotypical story.

To give this more context, I call upon fantasy stories of today. In particular with young adult novels, we see many authors who jump on the bandwagons other authors have set before them. Many traditional fantasy stories, for example, ride the coattails of J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings. You will often see a “chosen one” aspect in place of Frodo Baggins, glorious elves, evil orcs, and a set of quirky friends to accompany the main character. While obviously Tolkien did it better in many ways (as he invented the stereotype), his creations set such a precedent that others cannot help but follow. Similarly, after the Twilight books hit the shelves a wave of young adult vampire novels washed over – and in many ways is still a prominent part of – the young adult scene. In them, dramatic romances with overly-cautious, vampiric lovers take the stage, with little variation in between. Another example is Harry Potter novels, where magic takes place in the modern world and a school exists to train young people in how to control it. These themes and more exist frequently in stories of today. Yet what sets apart the “originals” are not only their popularity, but the fact that no others had really taken on these subjects or scenarios before. We have all seen dragons and unicorns before, when will someone write a story of Bigfoot?

I find the best way to break from the norm of many pre-established stories is those involved in them. To refer back to superhero movies, Deadpool would have had a similar story arc to all other heroes except that his character was ruthless and hilariously adult, making him stand out from others of his kind. This subtle change makes a story all the more interesting, if predictable. Another example is the game Dragon Age (Origins, for the sake of my argument). In this story, despite being the “chosen one” among others, the side characters essentially make the game interesting, and turn regular tropes around. For instance, the blonde-haired, blue-eyed knight-in-shining-armor is actually quite humorous, does not make decisions for himself, and is actually quite bumbling in many ways. The rouge assassin, who is a flirt and heartless killer, is also the romantic elf. The beautiful musician is not only a killer but a religious sister. The combinations are unique and make the conversations between characters engaging – which is really a big reason the game has done so well.

Personally, I find the characterization and world-building to be the most important, and yet most challenging part of making a story interesting. This is not only true in video games, books, and movies, but in the arts. Dance pieces must also consider how those dancing – the characters involved – play their part in the message the choreographer wants to get across. And how do we keep it from being typical, to engage an audience? I find that if we consider our dancers characters and the dances stories, this is much easier to see. Even in the absence of a true “plot” it is possible to emulate this approach in a simple way. If a dance is about someone’s depression, for instance, I find that the story might be a person’s journey through that depression. This journey need not be chronological, in fact it might be more effective not to. It is also worth it to consider how the person involved might handle their situation; sure, if they give in or persevere from their illness, but also how they react to people, how their daily life changes, what that image looks like. There is far more to it than some heroic story of overcoming depression, and frankly aspects that an audience may have never seen before.

At the end of the day, I have always found character development to be far more interesting than simply plot alone. It is this aspect of stories that seems to determine “good” from “bad” in many cases. The fact of the matter is that people are what drive these plots, and they are the part of a story that is easiest for an audience to relate to – either as something they are or not, or something that they might wish they could be. It is essential to take this into consideration in art, movies, or whatever medium carries a story. It doesn’t always take the plot to carry a story to its finish; it is those who are involved that do.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Know Your Body

This semester, I have been taking a Philosophy course as part of the honors program at my college. The topic, more specifically, is Bioethics, which covers ethical and moral issues in regard to medicine and the human body. Though a brief taste of the entirety of the topic, I have found myself extremely interested in and enlightened by some of the things I have discovered I am complacent about in regard to my health. For instance, I had never really considered what I would do in a situation where I or a loved one wanted to cease being treated in a hospital, or what stance I might have on testing using human subjects. In many ways, my mind has been challenged by these topics, and to many I do not have an answer on my “stance”, but as a patient I feel more aware of what procedures I might undergo, and how best to prepare for them.

I think the most relevant topic that we have reviewed this semester is that of “informed consent”. In the not-so-distant past, it was not always necessary or required for a doctor to explain procedures to their patients. There was a generalized assumption among people that doctors always knew best and were always doing all they could in the patient’s best interests. While many did so, there were obvious cases where this was abused. In our class, we analyzed the Tuskegee experiments specifically. This was a case where a government-sponsored project was intentionally not treating black males infected with syphilis, to observe the course the disease took through their bodies. These men were wrongfully deceived into believing they were receiving free treatment, where really they were being left to suffer. This case (which began in 1932 and ran through 1972) sparked many new regulations and laws that doctors had to follow; this is the reason that before a procedure or surgery the doctor tells you exactly what will happen, or you are given consent forms. Many people were shocked to discover that medical professionals could potentially keep treatment from, or assign wrong treatment to their patients, but it is true; doctors, no matter how trained, are humans like we are, and sometimes the motivations are not well placed. Because of this section in our class, I have taken more of an interest in my own health and attempting to ensure that I do right by it; instead of simply signing off paperwork and getting whatever medication my doctor recommends, I ask questions and ensure I understand as best as I can. Though perhaps not appealing to the average person, it is for your own safety that you truly understand what you will be put through. This, of course, is not assuming that anyone’s doctor is intentionally hurting them, and in fact assumes the opposite. I encourage you listen to what your doctor says and really analyze it, to ensure that what they suggest is right for you and your situation. It is okay to say no to something.

This issue can take multiple forms. An example might be in the case of taking medicine; knowing your allergies and the medicines you are/have already been on before is important. Especially if you see a new doctor, it might be that they do not check records thoroughly or are not worried about potential side effects, and it is possible you could end up taking something you have an allergy to. Last year, I took antibiotics at the same time I began having a cold, and the reaction it had in my body made me extremely ill. By not disclosing this to my doctor, or perhaps by them assuming it would be okay, I ended up not only unwell, but having to take the antibiotic a second time once I had recovered (and no longer had a cold). This mistake cost me over a week of class time, laying in bed miserable. If I had considered mentioning it to my doctor at the time, it is possible I would not have had such an issue. So the point is not only to listen thoroughly to your doctor, but to not be afraid to ask tons of questions and do research prior to an appointment. This way, you take an active part in your health and let your doctor know that you want what is best.

I do hope that this blog does not encourage people to disrespect or ignore their doctors’ orders. As I’ve said, I hope the opposite comes of it; rather than trusting in your doctor less, I encourage that you take a more active part in your health so you truly understand what it is going through. Questioning and curiosity are vital (yes, even those of us who are squeamish) and take charge of your own health. It is possible to be confident without being an expert, and to feel completely secure in your decisions.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Progression as a Dance Student

I have been training as a dancer for around 18 years of my life. I may never have imagined I would find myself at this point, where I not only get to continue to dance but have studied many aspects of it; from the history to the anatomy. But recently I wondered what really convinced me to be a dance major. Initially, I had no idea if I would even enjoy the life of a dance major, convinced it would be riddled with divas and drama. While that may somewhat be true, I found something deeply involved in the degree that gave me an intellectual understanding of what I was doing; no longer was I simply showing off turns and jumps, but I discovered something more challenging and versatile that made me love it.

Firstly, I never quite understood how vast the dance world was until my Dance History class. It was there that I learned about those who founded the field that I love so much; the origins of ballet and many of its subsequent companies, who created famous pieces, and more importantly where the modern dance movement came from. Despite all I thought I knew, I never anticipated how many people helped perpetuate dance into the modern day, and how recent some of my favorite dance styles really are. I never imagined how slavery and war and other dark parts of the past formed companies and inspired choreographers. I believe my Dance History class was one of the first academic dance classed I had taken (besides Dance Appreciation), and I remember being so thoroughly impressed by what I was learning that I knew I had made the right choice in becoming a major.

Another sign that being a dance major was right for me was the things I was learning about myself. My Somatics class definitely taught me this on a physical level; I was experiencing my own habits and physical struggles firsthand, and I was able to recognize when I felt my body returning to these habits. Beyond that, though, my professors are unafraid to let me know personally when I am doing something technically incorrect. This especially happens in my ballet class, and I am honestly quite grateful for it. After spending years feeling like I was always ignored, I have been able to spend time in college where I finally get personal corrections and have something to really work towards. Finally there was no more guesswork; I knew where I was going wrong and could improve.

The surest way to know that I belong, though, is that I rarely ever dread going to classes. In fact, my days that have more dance classes than anything else are exhilarating; I get to spend entire days at a time learning and working on my technique, or choreography, or some other aspect of myself that I can’t imagine doing in any other degree. Often, I akin this to the feeling of being in a relationship. If you are excited to see them every day, you are in a good place. But if you start to dread it, or get nervous to go, then it might be a sign you need to break up. Since the semester I started as a dance major I have looked forward to the next day every day, and honestly I’m not sure what I will do with myself once it’s over. While I am sure new doors will open and more exciting projects will begin, I still hope that by the time it ends I have no regrets about how I’ve spent my years with the dance department, and that I have done all I could to get great experiences out of things. Regardless, at this moment I can say I have grown tremendously since I arrived, and I hope to continue to do so until the day I leave. Then I can remember some of the most important lessons I’ve learned, and will use them wherever I end up going next.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Encroaching on an End

So last week I did not post a blog. What can I say, life happens sometimes; in the past two weeks, I adopted two kittens and then got very sick and had to miss some school. Overall, I am working on catching up with life again and that can be seen in this blog. However, it was not only the busy nature of life that kept me from writing. I was frankly struggling to find something to write about this week. Life seems to be going alright at the moment, and the last month or so of the semester is approaching. I notice that this is the point in the semester where everything slows; my physical ability to continue working as hard as I need to diminishes, and my motivation struggles. This lull in the semester is likely a side-effect of schooling, and a drive to get to the holiday season, but the result is always the same. My creativity and drive are nearly shot, and I drag my feet to keep up with anything it seems.

              I wish I had some form of advice on how I deal with this lull. At the moment, the most I can do is focus my efforts on various projects and take time to center in on myself as opposed to the things I need to do. I can only take time for a mental check-in and recognize how I seem to be doing. Knowing why I feel the way I do is a big step in realizing how to help it. For example, often this point of the semester brings me a low period for various reasons. The semester is near the end, there is another few weeks before finals, and often my projects and assignments for the semester are closing in. Mentally, this slows me down and threatens my progress with procrastination and laziness. Some of this is due to the weather; the cool weather is some of my favorite, and the desire to crawl under a blanket and snuggle up is tempting. This, and I know that my mid-semester crisis has just passed, so I am in a period of recovery; I recognize the stress I was under, and want to take things easy for a moment so to relax my mind again. These are just a few of the observations I make of myself at this point of the year.

              Fall is also a season of change. I know that come winter things will be different; this winter, for example, I will begin working on another musical, going into my last semesters of college, and applying for summer internships. These projects are exciting and I anticipate them greatly, but until the fall season has passed I will not be involved just yet. This is the point of the fall season; to shed an old skin and develop a new one. I am certain by the semester’s end I will be able to look back and reflect on how I have changed so drastically, but at the moment each minute seems to drag. In the meantime, I am attempting to give myself a mental therapy, and take time for myself wherever I can so to keep myself from overriding with stress.

              This semester has not been particularly long or arduous, but I am looking forward to its happy conclusion. So much awaits me after it passes, and I am hopeful that good news will continue to come. Though I am tired, I will steadily continue and persevere through the final days of the semester. This lull will pass soon enough, just as my crisis about the future and stress over midterms both did. For now, I will shamble on in this sleepy manner until circumstance demands I wake up more fully. Maybe at some point my blog posts will resume more regularly and about topics of more interest to others than my mental wellbeing. For now, I do my best.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Always Overcommited

This is the 20th post on this blog since I have begun it. Though only a small amount in the long run, I am proud that such a project has kept up for an extended time. On that note, this week I have been analyzing personal characteristics of mine that not only help me in my life, but hurt. For example, my need to commit to something to its end is both good and bad. On the one hand, I am by no means a “quitter”, nor do I allow myself to give up on something partway through unless extremely necessary. However, this quality of mine has had me committed to things that may or may not have been healthy for me. For example, past relationships, classes, programs, and activities have often demanded my commitment and attention, but deep down I was not fully committed anymore. Yet, I found myself seeing these things through to the bitter end whether I enjoyed it or not. I believe this comes from my need to appease people. Very often I worry about what others will think of me if I become a “quitter” and I fear such judgement. Additionally, I do not wish to inconvenience (or worse, hurt the feelings of) the person or people that I involve myself with. Again, this quality is helpful in many cases, but empathy can get me in trouble once I stop caring for my own feelings.

This ignorance of myself is something I think many can relate to. Consider a situation in which someone is literally used as someone else’s punching bag. To relieve stress, a friend goes to another friend and both verbally and physically abuses them. The “punching bag” person tolerates this behavior on the grounds that they are happy to help a friend. However, as outsiders we would find ourselves appalled that someone would allow another person to relieve emotion in such a violent way. Why, in our own lives, do we tolerate insufferable behavior because it makes others happy?

On one hand, and probably the most obvious, we might be more sympathetic towards our friends and loved ones. Even if they have frustrating personalities and traits, we sometimes find ourselves still loving those people and allowing them to misuse our love for their benefit. On occasion, I think it would be safe to say that it could be allowed. Yet, the level of misuse that occurs is also a factor. Even to those with extremely strong family values, I would argue that no one should be “expected” to tolerate frequent and unfair treatment. Another reason we might tolerate our own mistreatment? In many cases, I think complacency and desire to fit in keeps us bound in situations that make us unhappy. As I mentioned earlier, I am by no means a “quitter” and I have no desire to start being one. However, that might result in me being bound to commitments or people that I am no longer enjoying. In a similar way, the person being used as a human punching bag might realize that they are quite unhappy in their situation, but fear what their “friend” would do as a result of them expressing this displeasure. So, what most of us do is find complacency and security in knowing the situation we are in and deciding to remain there, despite unhappiness. In this case, we are not faced with the issue of what to do with unknowns, or displeasing other people in the process.

Of course, I do not believe this is a necessarily healthy approach to things. I wish I had an easier time of saying “no” to tasks and commitments that I know I will not enjoy doing. Additionally, I do not encourage anyone else to take up this approach, if they are not already doing it. But, to those who share my crippling inability to be a “quitter”, I want to encourage that you take a moment and weigh the options you have. Sometimes, the distribution is so overbalanced that it is clear you must make a decision. I find it easy to make this diagnosis but hard to follow through with any action. However, in many cases when I express this issue with those I trust, I find I am not alone and often those who truly care for me will understand my discomfort. If you are surrounded with understanding, loving people, it becomes much easier to make decisions for yourself and to feel confident in saying that something makes you unhappy. If our human punching bag felt like they could trust their friend, and let them know that their behavior made them extremely uncomfortable, the friend might be understanding and work to help right their actions. I should hope that if you are surrounded by those who love and respect you, you will be able to make those decisions with confidence. Also remember, not everyone has to like everything you do. Again, it may surprise you how understanding people can be.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Pursuit of Happiness

As of late, I have found myself questioning what a “Pursuit of Happiness” might mean, in the context of my own life. While I believe that I and most others deserve the right to pursue our happiness, I find myself wondering what that pursuit should entail. If one’s pursuit of happiness requires them to go into piles of debt and years of homelessness, yet they end up happy in the end, this is allowed right? But in my case, if debt and homelessness will make me ultimately unhappy, despite pursuing something that might make me happy, is it worth pursuing? This has been my debate.

              This all goes into my desire for a safety net. Growing up in a middle-class household has made me appreciate the guaranteed things in my life – a house, food, air conditioning, medicine, etc. While I greatly appreciate these things, I worry about the days where I live on my own and they may not be guaranteed anymore because it is up to me to make sure I have it. Though this is only a small worry in the long run, I cannot shake it from my mind. I desire security on many fronts; the main one being my career goals. This is an issue I have discussed plenty before, but two halves of me are torn. One side wishes to pursue my art, while the other wishes to find security and safety in a job that will have a set, long-term income. This goes into a desire of having an ideal household of a husband, a few pets, and maybe children one day. I would like to be able to provide for all of us comfortably. I want to pursue happiness, which could mean dancing or it could mean achieving this domestic happiness I hope for.

              So in my case, a “pursuit of happiness” is not terribly clear. I am not sure what to pursue or where to go. Of course, I still believe that the key to success is adaptability and the ability to spot opportunities on a whim. The first step is the part I worry about. Lately, when speaking to friends and family about this issue, I have made akin references to my time in high school. As a senior in high school, much of my fall semester was spent worrying about what the future would entail. When finally a decision was made, immediate relief came. Despite not knowing if the decision was right for me, it was the one I had made and I would do my best with it. I wish to be at that point again, generally getting by knowing I did what I could. Yet, I currently reside in the former part of my last chapter of college; the one where I was aware of the changes about to occur, but could only do so much in the meantime. The stagnant nature makes me constantly question and wonder what life will present me next, debating my choices and if the ones I make will be the “wrong” choices. This is what has thrown me into a constant debate about my “pursuit of happiness” and if it is worth pursuing.

              What conclusion ought I make, then? To distract myself in the meantime, surely. But I think the conclusion to this post is better left open ended. Perhaps I will visit again when I have a clearer idea about what the pursuit of happiness means to me, and how I pursue it. What is more important, though, is what you the reader get from this besides a rant of mine about indecision. I want you to know that it is okay to be lost and unsure. It is not unusual to be looking for guidance or not knowing how to pursue your own happiness. Perhaps you may never know exactly where to go, but the reality of life is that there are very few “clear” answers to anything. You can only do your best in the time you have, and try to trust yourself to make those decisions.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

Talent versus Work

Success seems to be about 90% luck and 10% hard work. This is, of course, my skewed statistic, but in many cases I feel luck has taken me much further in my ambitions than my work. An example is that I have been fortunate enough to have a healthy home life, with an upper-middle class upbringing in a safe city. I skated through elementary and middle school without ever being bullied, and my parents always had me involved in extracurricular activities. For this I was and still am very grateful. This privilege is what enabled me to focus in school and get good grades, for example; I had little distraction from other places because I was lucky enough not to have them. Yet it is my privilege that I account to a lot of my success so far in my life, because it gave me the opportunity to work hard, and despite everything I am just lucky.

I want to reference this issue in the frame of dance, as I am wont to do. I personally dislike being called “talented”. To me, talent is defined as a natural ability to do something; in dance, this could include being talented at ballet or another style. However, I believe I have input a lot of work to have any degree of artistry and ability to move as I do, so it is minorly aggravating to hear someone observe my “talent”, simply because they do not know the hard work I have gone through to get where I am today. It is flattering that someone finds me talented, of course, but what bothers me is that it simply is not true. And yet, were I to go to an audition my “hard work” might not even begin to compare with someone who has a plethora of natural talent. So, I find myself torn, and really believe that the luck at being born so talented enables people to go much further than someone with no talent who works hard.

I am being pessimistic. This I know. I have been a bit down lately about my lack of talent, because I would love to make it somewhere in the performance world but I do not seem to be taking advantage of the skills and luck I naturally have. Instead, I am pursuing something I have limited talent in, have had little privilege in (i.e. I never went to a conservatory for dance or had some fantastically lucky connections to Broadway stars), and did not pursue as seriously as I could have until high school. Because of this, I get frustrated with myself and the system I have thrown myself into. My good grades and ability to write only get one so far in the artistic world; the talent and physical ability are of more importance.

So, I find myself in a unique position. What do I do with the luck I have and the hard work I want to put forward? If I decide to pursue a performance career, I find it likely that luck is what would pull my through to some means of success. However, my hard work to be a better dancer, singer, and even and actor will help. The most I can do is put in the work to find opportunities and network, really. I think the best lesson to take in is remembering that there will always be someone with more talent and ability than me. As a result, I need to prepare as though that person will always be there, and use it as motivation to always work harder. I may not always be what a director or choreographer is looking for; in the meantime, I must do my best until I happen to be the person they want. That is where the luck comes in; with me being in the right place at the right time with the right amount of hard work and dedication put in.

[kks-thoughts-and-ideas]

What is bathroom etiquette?

The other day the discussion of “public bathroom etiquette” came to the table. To be completely honest, I’d never heard of such a thing until college. This form of etiquette simply means that there are certain things you should and should not do when in a public bathroom. To me, this sounded immediately ridiculous, but on further observation I discovered it to be true. As I began paying attention in my bathroom excursions, I noticed a pattern. Frequently, I have to change clothes, do my hair, and any other variety of things in the restrooms at school for my dance classes. This entire process can take up to 20 minutes of time (if I’m being slow enough), which is ages in bathroom time. If anyone else is in a stall nearby, they often stay completely silent and wait for that entire time I am in there. I was baffled to realize the likely cause; it is, to some people, embarrassing to use the toilet with others around. Is it true we are in a place with society that a place dedicated to bathroom functions does not feel safe for such things? To me, it is far stranger to have someone waiting in a stall while I am attempting to do my own business; I feel pressure to leave as quickly as possible so this stranger can do what they must. This does not feel fair to either party involved. Certainly, I could not judge a person for simply using a toilet in a public restroom. I begin asking questions. Why would I judge someone doing their business? Has someone made fun of them for it before? How many hours of this person’s life have been spent on a toilet? How long are they willing to wait? Why did I have to be put in this situation?

As ridiculous as this scene is, I find it more ridiculous that such a thing is true. Of course, I can only speak from a woman’s perspective of this scenario (though I would assume that there are men who do this as well). However, I have met far more women who are self-conscious about being heard using the toilet than men. Why is this? I suspect for a few reasons. The main one of these is that women are expected to be “lady-like” even among other women. This pressure implies that women are not allowed to have noticeable bodily functions or admit to them in any sense. Doing so in the bathroom is one of the extreme cases, I think; if you are not safe in a place of privacy where CAN you be?

I want to encourage other women to be confident in themselves, their bodies, and their tendencies. Accept that we are as human as any other person, and that it is okay to be uncomfortable sometimes. We all laugh and cry; there are “pretty” and “ugly” sides to all of us. It is unfair of us to assume that others do not. We should forgive each other on our bad days, and remember what it was like the last time we had one. I wish we did not need to feel ashamed for walking around without makeup, or in sweatpants, or doing what we must in the bathroom when we need to. Personally, I do not wish to wait on anyone or anything to be who and what I want to be. So, if I am to dress down I would hope that no one insult me for it. Even if they do, I want to be strong and remember that feeling when I encounter a need to judge someone else.

The moral is, then, to treat others the way you want to be treated? I suppose so. I am not implying anyone will go out of their way to insult another for using the bathroom but perhaps that’s the point. If someone were to judge you for doing so, remember that at the end of the day you did not waste 20 minutes of your life waiting on the toilet for someone to leave. You saved yourself that day; just as you do on the days you wear sweats, avoid makeup, or just have a bad day. Someone’s opinion of how you handled that should not be the highest of priorities for you; as long as no one got hurt in the process, do what makes you happy and do not judge others for what makes them happy.