my black and white watermark

I write at night.

[knightrights]

In my dreams i feel your heart beating behind a face I can’t see.

But I wake up with your hair in my mouth and

I love (to feel) you like you’re growing from inside of me.

I can’t wait until you’re growing inside of me.

I imagine you leaking from my throat

While you fall out of my pores.

My body is weeping you and

You drip from every inch of me.

[knightrights]

06/25/20

I can’t wait until you’re my wife

I have bought you 3 different rings so far

And I am waiting to

Put them on your finger

I love you

[knightrights]

4/28/19 10:39pm

I want to be as close to you as possible.

I want to crawl inside your mouth (to taste your words. to lick you open)

Run my fingers down your throat (to feel every song you sing. every word you say. every gasping breath)

Rest my head on your heart (to hear every skip and pulse- my favorite beat)

Press my nails into your hips (to leave tiny indents. to make you mine)

Entwine our legs (to feel you around my body. to be like threads woven so tightly)

Run my fingers over every jumping muscle in your legs and stomach and arms (did I do that? I want to do it again)

(and again, and again)

And hold you so tightly to my chest (the safest place I’ve found. the place I feel at home).

[knightrights]

10:29 02/17/19

I am going to learn all of the love languages

So we can speak to each other

In public

(In private)

[knightrights]

I have never felt a butterfly inside me until today. 12/03/18 11:22pm

I went on a date with a girl with blue hair and blue eyes and she let me hold her hand. 

it was warm but not hot, and as solid as i didn’t know i needed it to be 

(so i didn’t slip inside of myself to hide. so i could stay on the ground with my mouth full of laughing gas). 

There’s something about quiet strength that I don’t mind holding me.

She let me kiss her in a parking garage. My heart and stomach did a dance together that was clumsy and new, but familiar from books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. 

It was the feeling that I’ve heard so much about and tried to create with all of the boys from before, but this time I didn’t have to hold my breath and go blue in the face before my heart would start beating fast enough to match how I was supposed to feel.

I walked to my car thinking “there has to be a word for this”. 

There has to be a word for kissing and laughing at the same time and not being able to stop. 

There has to be a word for the first time you grow butterflies inside of you.

[knightrights]

11:04pm 01/30/19

rolling over on my side 

at 3:09am

and seeing your face

made my heart punch my ribs so hard that

my brain wanted to wake me up from my dream

(so I didn’t fall to my death).

only 

it wasn’t a dream.

oh. I wonder, 

when has my heart ever raced

at my reality

(and wanted me to live to see it)?

[knightrights]

12:49am 1/24/19

I’ve been waiting

my whole life

to pour my overflowing heart

into someone else.

And there you were

waiting,

feeling empty.

[knightrights]

12:41am 01/21/19

We went to sleep

With our hands intertwined

And our foreheads pressed together

So tightly

I could hear your thoughts.

(Thank you for thinking of me)

I went to sleep holding you

And woke up with your soul inside my body.

I'll keep it safe.

[knightrights]

01/02/19 1:13am

There you are.

[knightrights]

10:45pm 1/13/19

I am afraid

that once I show you

how sad i am

about being what I am

that you won’t want to like

what i am

[knightrights]

01/07/19 12:37am

I'm crying so hard

And for the first time ever

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

Its not because my heart is broken.

Its because I am so so so so

full.

Can you imagine?

This is my first time.

I have been waiting for you

For my whole life.

Finally.

Here you are.

[knightrights]

my grandpa breaks my heart 10/29/18 10:20pm

everyone says

you must learn to pick yourself up.

you must learn to love yourself

before someone else can love you.

but i was never loved as i should have been.

since i was a child i was never loved for who i am.

i have never felt that total complete love.

only love from people who believe i am someone else.

and if i am to learn to love myself

i should learn it from someone else,

right?

how can i learn if no one will teach me?

people pretend to love me. 

and they still break my heart.

what kind of love is that?

i am not being loved correctly.

[knightrights]

Scratch 02/17/18

My masochism runs its’ nails over my scars and says 

"lets make something new".

[knightrights]

I am Too

I feel

Too.

Too tall, too big, too quiet, too much, too little, too intense, too sensitive, too crazy.

And at the same time,

I am,

somehow,

still not enough.

[knightrights]

This isn’t poetry. I’m just sad. 03/21/17

I had forgotten about you,

but then I found a song.

the title is “learning to hate you as a defense mechanism”.

I realized that that’s what I’m doing.

Teaching myself to hate you to save myself.

There is no salvation in obsession.

There only seems to be some in hate.

And that is the ugliest lie that I’ve ever forced myself to believe.

[knightrights]

12:32am 12/31/16

oh baby 

how sweet we aren’t.

how my taste buds cower every time I taste you

and how it’s the only time I ever feel anything touch my tongue that didn’t burn.

[knightrights]

Healing 11:28pm 12/27/16

I take a look through your things and I don't see a speck of me

in your music or art 

and I don’t see a hair of mine on your clothes

and I can’t remember what you smell like.

You’re a wispy memory that I feel 

like I’m creating more than remembering.

And I don’t know how long I have sat here

with one tear hanging onto my lid for dear life

but now

I finally, finally, know that it's over.

and then I ugly cry for endings and beginnings and for all of the middles.

(all of them.) 

I don’t miss them with the same intensity as I did a few years ago,

but they still sit at the base of my chest as a sharp ache every time I breathe. 

So I think I’ll stop creating 

because there is no cure for nostalgia.

There are only the 14 times I breathe in and out during a minute

and the one time my ribs don’t ache on the 15th breath. 

That’s hope &

I’ll take it.