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YOU ARE THE REASON
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@knittingpitbull
I'm starting IVF stims tonight and I'm a little freaked out and a little hopeful. A lot worried. I didn't want to get to this point but here we are, so I hope it works for us. I've been cleaning up the whole house in case the meds make me feel craptastic, so it's keeping my mind occupied a bit at least.
Fingers crossed. 💖
believe it or not, you are not the exception to hope and redeem-ability. you too have a future with potential. you too are deserving of goodness and healing and forgiveness. sometimes that’s the hardest truth to believe, because you are blinded by your own self loathing but it is still the truth. i promise, for what that’s worth.
So I told my best friend about my 2nd chemical pregnancy 11 days ago, the day I found out. She told me she was so sorry with a heart emoji. Haven't heard from her since.
Today she texts me "I love you. I'm sorry I've been quiet, I had a pretty bad breakdown last week. You've been on my mind and in my heart."
But like. I am pissed. I am hurt. She is the first person I told because she's supposed to be my best friend, and I needed her support. At least a quick "hey having a bad brain week but I love you" before 11 days have gone by. But nothing? To say nothing to me for 11 days, nothing?? Not even like a hug gif? Not a peep?????
Am I being unreasonable?
She has a history of being flaky. I've put up with it a lot. For instance, she bailed out of being my maid of honor when I got married because, if I remember right, she was envious that my wedding was going to be fancier than hers had been, and she just couldn't be happy and supportive of me. We didn't speak for probably five years after that.
She recently told me she wishes she and her boyfriend were in the place my husband and I are, of trying to have a baby. So my mind is drawing a parallel. I feel like she's backing away from me because she can't be supportive of me, since she wants to be where I am.
I don't know, maybe I'm being unreasonable. But to know your best friend is going through something both physically and emotionally devastating, and to ghost them? Then pop like hey sorry? That's not ok?
2nd hCG test showed 16.2, so a significant drop, so yet again, another chemical pregnancy. I can't believe this is happening again. I was right, I stopped feeling any vague symptoms Tuesday afternoon and my tests were lighter. I feel relieved to know, glad I won't be shocked when my period comes. I'm also angry and sad. I'm also so grateful for my husband and that I'm not facing this alone.
On to ivf which I hoped we'd never have to do. So of course it's the next step.
On a brighter note, I caught my 3 year old bottle calf steer bloating and we were able to save his life. So at least there's that. Getting this info and losing Murray in the same day would have been simply unbearable.
My blood test today says pregnant. My hCG is 34.6 which is low but above the 25 hCG they want. What's important is how much it increases between now and my blood test Thursday.
I am going between hope and fear, joy and soul crushing anxiety.
Every little cramp I'm like oh god is this it (even though I know that mild cramps are normal).
Every time I use the bathroom, I hold my breath as I check for blood.
I was feeling slightly nauseated earlier but it went away, does that mean it's going. My breasts were a little sore and now they're not, what does it mean. My temp is closer to its normal range instead of elevated, is it ok.
Telling myself this anxiety and overthinking will NOT help but unable to stop it.
Today is the same amount of time between last period and the miscarriage last year. That started in the middle of the night. So I've made it past that which feels a little encouraging, since it's late afternoon now.
I did not have this terror with the first one. I knew loss was a thing but assumed it wouldn't happen to me. Then it did and it wrecked me. But I got through it. If it happens again, I will get through it. But god I don't want it to.
I have a positive test on my 5th IUI. I am only two weeks past my IUI day. I am hopeful and nervous and anxious and happy and scared. After losing my first pregnancy after only four days, I think those feelings make sense.
Blood test at the doctor tomorrow. 7am, an hour away, so that's delightful. But the good donut place between here and there will be open so I can get me a cinnamon sugar cake donut!
We decided not to tell anyone for a while. Last time, we told our friends because we knew they'd be so happy for us. But then when we lost it, the support was sweet but I also just really didn't want to talk about it or be asked about it. So we'll just be happy ourselves for a while.
I did let my friendly acquaintance who is a doula know since I plan to employ her services. Fingers and toes crossed.
I am having mild nausea and a more sensitive sense of smell already, as well as crazy dry lips no matter how much water I drink or lip balm I use. I am hopeful that is an encouraging sign as last time, I had nothing.
If anyone see this, I would be grateful for any goos vibes. 💙
Fourth IUI failed and I'm just so pissed off and sad about it. Don't even know what else to say, I'm just fuckin pissed.
2nd IUI didn't work. Feeling very flattened and just don't want to do anything. I need to get up and go feed the cows and horses though. I guess I can come in and flatten after that.
October is sitting heavy on me. Anniversary of my mom's death on the 14th. Anniversary of losing my doggy soul mate on the 26th. What should be the Gotcha Day of our sweet dog our neighbors killed on the 24th, which dredges up all that pain.
And now, the 9th, what would have been the due date if the pregnancy I lost in February had stayed. And still I'm trying to get pregnant again, doing another IUI next week hopefully. I should be at the end of a pregnancy, not still trying.
It's hard and heavy. I know my friends would listen, but there's nothing to say or do. It just is what it is. It is awful.
I am slightly hopeful that this IUI will work, that maybe on what should have been the due date, we'll get the chance to have a do-over. It's silly, but maybe the baby I lost will come to us again.
Anyway. Brain is spiraling, just had to get some thoughts out.
we need to make using chatgpt embarrassing bc sorry it really is. what do you mean you can’t write an email
“ikr i only use it for-“ whatever you use chatgpt for is also embarrassing. you do not need the plagiarism machine that lies and evaporates water for anything actually
Trying to fight my brain, it's trying to spiral into a Sad Brain Day. Do I give in to the Sad and hope it passes? Brains are stupid, I didn't ask for this.
Feeling stuck, just scrolling between apps. Feel restless and tired and anxious. Feeling stuck in Wait Mode for next week's IUI. Feeling discouraged that the first one didn't work. I need to get up and do anything, but I just can't make myself.
I need to practice violin for rehearsal next week. I need to wash dishes. I need to make more hummingbird food. I need to put clean sheets on the bed.
Meh.
I can't believe I have to wait 11 more days to find out if it worked. 🫠
IUI was yesterday and I'm officially in the two week wait! It was very fast and only a little uncomfortable. I asked for Progesterone and they gave it to me. I know it'll mimic pregnancy symptoms so I'm hoping that will help with the hyper intense symptom watching.
Allen's numbers were still good but not as excellent as they were for the first analysis. It's been crazy hot and he's been outside in it instead of spending a good chunk of time in an air conditioned tractor. But still, his numbers were good, even if he was disappointed.
I'm really hopeful this works for us.
Fingers crossed!
We did the trigger shot last night, IUI is tomorrow at 10:45! I'm not super pleased they wait until hour 36 but what can I do, it's their protocols.
Got a little frustrated yesterday. I've been doing OPKs since December. They didn't say anything about not using them. I've been measuring high since Saturday and fully expected the peak yesterday. I messaged them to say hey what if I ovulate on my own this afternoon, does that affect the schedule? And they said don't use OPKs and do the trigger shot at 11pm. Seems counterintuitive, if the ovulation window is 24-36 hours after an OPK says peak, wouldn't that mean we'd miss the window??
I'm trying to trust the process but I'm anxious. This isn't cheap and I don't like feeling like it could not work because of their structured timing when everyone's bodies are different.
Anyway. Trying to keep myself distracted the next two weeks is going to be a chore. I try not to symptom watch every month but I still do. I really need to finish up the personal taxes and unfuck my office, get started on next year's stuff since it's almost August. Idk if it'll be enough to hold my focus but maybe!
#Please little bird
I need the good news!
The ultrasound and bloodwork were good. She found a small cyst on my left ovary but is not worried about it. I started taking the clomid yesterday. Friday I'll have another ultrasound to see how I'm progressing.
If everything is good, I think it'll happen next week. Hopeful.
