"Did you really just insult Captain America in front of me?"
"So you're a liar and a thief."
"So are you going to kiss me or can I finish this cigarette first?"
"Is it bad that I enjoy infomercials more than I enjoy actual television shows?"
"So your mother is pregnant and it might be my fault."
"Please tell me I'm hearing things and that you're not actually listening to Kidz Bop right now."
"You either owe me a hundred cookies or a really expensive bottle of vodka—your choice."
"What the hell did you just say about my favorite band?"
"Please never call me by my full name ever again."
"Do you prefer to read or watch your porn?"
"I think I need to lose ten pounds."
"Who do you love more, me or your mom?"
"Tell me the dirtiest joke you can think of."
"Were you aware that there is ice cream?"
"That was worth seven thousand dollars and you think 'I'm sorry' is going to make us even?"
"It's not that you're wrong, exactly, you're just extremely not right."
"You shouldn't be trusted with small children, should you?"
"Give me cake or give me death."
"I'm starting an idiot jar. Any time you do or say anything idiotic, you have to put at least a dollar in it—more depending on how stupid the thing that you said or did was."
"Are you actually wearing my underwear right now?"
"On a scale from, 'I can sometimes make important phone calls without crying' to 'I have a stable job with a steady income, a spouse who loves me, a dog, and two kids who are screwed up minimally at worst' how much of an adult are you?"
"Okay but like, if vampires aren't real, then explain Pluto."
