The urge to scream grew stronger. This time it was streams of words that threatened to burst out. Most of all she longed to yell that she cared not if Echo forgot her place out there as long as she kept hers here. Now. Nia wanted her to stay and she needed her to know the truth of that badly enough to risk calling out in every tongue that she was able to speak. More languages than she knew, in fact, or was ever likely to gain knowledge of. She almost did. But what stopped her was the realization of how little it would change. Nothing would be altered for the better. She would only doom them. And while she was unconcerned by her own fate she would not bring that one down on the other girl’s head while she could so easily avoid it. Just stop being weak. It was simple to do what she must and more importantly to do as Echo asked of her. She would think. Try to ignore the way her heart echoed the fiercest of war drums in her chest, heralding the loss to come as they did. She would make this decision with her head. Rely on reason to save her from the prospect of what she could not bear. She was, after all, owed, since it was rationality that had led her to be bonded with Kaspar, condemning her on the one hand as much as she was eventually blessed on the other With Ena. Something good had been born of that choice she had made long ago. Perhaps it would so that the one her warrior lover was making would have a similar result given enough time. Was it foolish to hope that a solution could be found? Many might say so but she was not one of those. Refusal to believe it to be true did not bear thinking about. That would bring her heart ruin the likes of which her houmon could only dream of causing.
It was not the end. It could not be.
Instead the queen looked upon this moment as a negotiation gone badly, in the vein of the heda’s notions of a coalition. Things had broken down temporarily with Echo but they would resume once new strategies had been devised, and then would come a more lasting reconciliation If Lexa had means to unite many clans then the Azgeda kwin should be able to keep one girl close to her.
However, these long term goals did little to ease her short term suffering once she was left alone. She lay down immediately, her body all but collapsing as the other exited, but she could not rest. Her heart had barely beat once before she rose again to look out of the tent flap. She did not admit to herself that this glimpse her may be her last, even if it was certain to be the final private glance for a while. She would not surrender to the feeling of hopelessness that settled in her gut. What could she know of that type of defeat? Of any. She was a queen. There was nothing she could not overcome.
Her mother’s voice reciting back old reassurances. They felt like lies. No longer comforting as they had been in her youth. Her eyes were open now and they watched Echo go. Nevertheless, the ghost was persistent. It urged her.
So she did not stay quiet, though she could not scream. Or cry. She was composed. Careful. It was because of both their ranks that she opted to aim these particular words at the other’s back. There was no doubt that having finally found her voice they would carry and reach ears besides the intended. And when they did, no fault would be found. She was simply a queen who spoke encouragement as her warrior departed. That was all. “Ste yuj.”
Her chest ached as she made her way back
to her own tent. Back to her daughter. Arms folding
as she fought against both the cold air and the
shaking in her body which only hurt worse because
of the wind and the snow. She kept her feet moving,
however, knowing that if she stopped now she
wouldn’t be able to pick herself back up for awhile
when her feet gave out from under her.
Her back straightened, though, when her ears
finally heard a prolonged command from her queen.
The one thing she had been asking for, though it
wasn’t what she had expected when it finally did come.
It was quiet, however, due to the distance Echo had
now put between them. She finally got the command
she had been asking for herself, though she wasn’t
sure how much of it, or how long, she’d be able to
obey it.
But she straightened herself out, doing her best
in the moment to follow through with it.
Once she did reach her tent, she willed herself to
take a moment for herself, to compose herself before Dela
could ask questions. She stopped just outside of the
entrance, letting her arms fall despite the shaking in
them, and closed her eyes. Breathing in the cold air as
her head tipped back a bit to enjoy it for half a moment.
She stood there, and for a moment forgetting everything
that had just happened. When she opened her eyes
again she brought her head back down, brushing her
hair out of her face before pushing in through the
opening, taking her spot back down in front of Dela, who
hadn’t seemed to move since Echo had left.
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