you will tell yourself that this summer is This summer is The summer for annoying oogles. that this summer will pass and then these kids who said they would be on your floor for two nights but have been there for two weeks will leave. but alas, even if you banish them completely from your house they will be back. not in your living room, next summer theyre gonna be in your city and theyre gonna be at every show you go to. every single one until the leaves start changing. somehow they will manage to happen be in the same room as you so much that you know all of their drama. you have opinions about it. they ask you about your opinion and then youre involved. your opinion holds weight because they think youre cool and wise. somehow theyve only gotten more annoying with age and not less. they still arent allowed in your house after all the bullshit that happened but they get on your nerves less now. you cant take them anywhere without some kind of situation happening but its kind of endearing despite it legitimately inconveniencing you often. they talk to you like youre their mom. nominally you actively dislike them as people but you think about them when theyre gone. next summer theres like twice as many of them and you cant really tell them apart. they operate like a hivemind and you wonder how this many people even manage to travel together. the ones youve never met before know more about you than you thought even the ones you housed up two summers prior knew about you. they tell you your own gossip from two exes ago and it would be awkward to even ask how they know about any of this shit. it is impossible to leave your house without encountering this gaggle of kids everywhere, no matter what part of town you go to. you pass them on your way out of the infoshop, ride a city bus for forty minutes to get to your friends house, and theyre spanging at the bus stop you get off at. its a godawful spot to panhandle. walking there would have taken two and a half hours. its mid-november and its a hundred degrees outside. one of them cracked a fire hydrant open with a pipe wrench. theres twenty kids whose names you all know dancing in the spray, and every time you change which one youre looking at youre absolutely confident that their face had been a completely different one a moment before. they have forty unleashed dogs with them. annoying oogle summer. annoying oogle summer. annoying oogle summer. annoying oogle summer
3. 5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
answered already
8. my last night out in detail.
depends how "night out" is defined. i'm going to go w the last time I went to an actual "club", which was in pittsburgh PA 2 weeks ago. this one is a little embarrassing but i think it's an alright story, and I'm gonna go in DETAIL because it says in detail. and I'm gonna readmore bc it's long
i saw a flyer around for what looked to be a non-anthrocon-affiliated warehouse rave type deal for PGH locals somewhere and me+my AC group all decided to spend our saturday night checking it out when we were planning our itinerary. as night approached on saturday though I was honestly starting to feel pretty low. i had been up until ~6am the night prior spending like 8 hours abusing substances and fucking in a gay bathhouse and didn't sleep much. the rave starts at 11pm-ish, but it's 7 now and I'm just listlessly wandering around downtown. it's the 4th of july, last real day of the con, still just so oppressively hot out. I meander down to the waterfront where people congregate to DJ in hopes that a little dancing will improve my mood but it's just a sea of american flags, redwhiteblue lights, all these different types of beautiful people from all over the country all dancing together here yesterday replaced by happy white families eyes fixed on bombs bursting in air. bruce springsteen on jbl speakers. there's a drone show. by jingo! I push thru the mass of patriotism, turn up back 9th street towards downtown and I'm met with the frat/sorority uniform units milling about, moving in big packs. it's like i look up and can see the curtain fluttering down to smother the weekend.
I start feeling the "can't take it" rising in my gut so I hit up a girl I had walked home from the bathhouse the night prior. she had attended with the express purpose of sucking as many dicks in 1 night as possible, i think her final PB was 17? very impressive stuff. she had extended an invite to some transgender room party that was supposedly popping by now (8pm), and also invited me to partake in a bit of GHB which i indeed was tempted by. so i fumble my way to the hotel it's at and find myself in actually quite a nice environment. real big penthouse suite. the DJ's spinning uptempo hardcore, a genre I love that I had already been thinking there was a SORE lack of throughout the con prior, so of course I get excited and get to dancing. i meet a couple people i had become acquainted with over the past few days and exchange the customary shooting-of-shit. a couple girls hit on me. i fumble because I'm worried about my schedule for later in the night. whatever. several people leave and give me their half-finished backwashed drinks because I guess i seem like the type of person who's into that, and i chug them cause I suppose in this moment I am. it's getting to be 10-10:30ish by now so i get one last whisky shot in. by this point I'm honestly feeling fully restored by the environment and the booze and the miasma has temporarily cleared... we trust in the poison as they say. as i'm leaving to meet up w my peoples i get ready for my main chemical mistress of the night... the borax combo >:D
a "borax combo", simplified, is an old research chemical community term for the combination of a serotonin releaser, an amphetamine or substitute dopaminergic stimulant, and a psychedelic tryptamine. taken at the correct ratios combining these 3 drugs roughly approximates the subjective effects MDMA due to hitting a similar profile of neurotransmitter release. what i brought on the greyhound in my bag of tricks was: 5-mapb, a mildly sedating serotonin releaser, 5mg adderalls for to counteract the 5mapb's sedation, and 4-ho-met (my alltime favorite psychedelic) to add the magic. it was around this point that I popped the adderall and headed over to try to wrangle my friends into an uber to the warehouse.
we were to meet back at the main convention center so i caught the first con-operated shuttlebus i saw back. of course this bus happened to be going in the wrong direction. i sat on the bus for about 30 minutes sort of melting into my seat a bit from the booze listening to the fursuiter conversations come and pass, watching pittsburgh people at the barricades wandering around doing 4th of july shit, but now I didn't feel quite so viscerally disgusted by it all anymore. chatted w some of my friends online abt my plans for the night a bit. but of course no plan ever survives first contact w the enemy.
process of wrangling was largely uneventful it just took about an hour. by 11ish we're finally all piling into an uber and making our way to the place. it's this commercial building out in the south side. at the bag check I somehow manage to drop all my pills out of my bag and the bouncer just waves me in anyways which is funny. i pop the rest once we're in and share a little w my friends. and immediately the vibe is like, not at all what i expected, this building is like the type of residential-commercial conversion they have therapy or law practices in, except there's soft pink lighting and 1 room has been converted to a dancefloor. the rest of the rooms, and maybe this was advertised somewhere and I just didn't look closely, are pretty intensely sex-focused. like swings and couches and crosses and whatnot. we arrived pretty early and there's only maybe a dozen people here thus far but I run into a local acquaintance from the bathhouse, chitchat a bit then go for a walk-around at her suggestion bc she says "shit doesn't get poppin until past 2am". and on my walk I'm really struck by how every single room is furnished w the type of carpet like school music practice rooms have. save for the bdsm equipment the decor is all very sparse and the walls are white. i'm realizing at this point it seems to be less of a warehouse rave and more of a play party. I'm sort of thoroughly coming up at this point, i can feel the serotonin sedation creeping up and up my neck, so the place I find to stumble into and flop on into is a little closet with a very large puppy bed in it.
my friends locate me a few minutes later (as it's really not a large space) and join me in the dog bed. a cuddle puddle begins to form. the cuddle puddle room was in complete darkness when I came in due to lacking a lightbulb but someone went out to go bother a staff member for a lamp at some point and then we could all appreciate each other's bodies in all their glories which was nice. in this bed was the first place I was at all intimate w that girl aforementioned in earlier ask and it just so shockingly nice and sweet and gentle. we all sort of completely lost our sense of time, because psychedelics, but as the party went on there was sort of a revolving door of people coming to gawk, judge or join the cuddlepuddle. some people got a little snarky abt it because i guess we WERE hogging it obnoxiously but also an equivalent amt of people did come to join us and have a nice time. nobody was really having any sort of sexual intimacy we were just playing w each other's bodies. it stayed cute for a long while and I was too blissed out to really internalize any of the the snark.
unfortunately something happened that kind of triggered me badly and took me out of it. and this really was not this person's fault, it's my own bad memory it brought up that she could not possibly have known of, but a very witchy person came in to join the puddle. and the conversation got to astrology, chakras, energy healing etc as psychedelics chats so often do. and we're all sort of massaging each other a bit when she asks me what my signs were. and I'm like CONSIDERING doing the fake-scorpio bit (due to my famous tattoo) but I just felt like i should be earnest in that moment, because i didn't feel any reason to deceive someone who has been being quite kind to me even if it's thru a different paradigm, and i want to respect all people, so i answer truthfully. so she starts giving me this supposedly tailored to be aries-specific really really intense i guess ASMR-y massage. it was focused on licking the lymph nodes in my neck/chin/throat and pressing my stomach.
i guess I just wouldve appreciated a little bit more warning for it, or more of an explanation of what she was trying to do, or if i was given a safeword to tap out, because this sort of thing is kind of really triggering to me due to circumstances, ESPECIALLY anything to do w the stomach, and I just sort of totally froze up in the moment but she kept going. which i guess is to be expected but. partially due to ptsd stuff, partially due to being on psychedelics, partially due to the psychosomatic effects of massage I just suddenly felt completely wrong, like i was just twisted and tied in a knot inside, that i couldn't stop it and my friends didn't stop it either. i really don't think it was her intent to make me feel so violated so i'm not really mad at her anymore but it kind of did feel not great. afterwards she was telling me (still sort of catatonic and writhing) like "you're such a young soul but you have work to do, remember that, you're on like a shamanic path" and things of that nature. i guess this is a true observation but it always hurts a little to hear. especially when it's a perfect stranger reading you off your body language alone. one of the things that really sticks in my memory was the last thing she said to everyone while leaving was like "i'll be back for my favorite" gesturing at me. and hearing this made me feel probably at least a dozen emotions at once.
once my friends (pretty quickly) cottoned on to the fact that i wasn't like "eternal cactusperson bliss" typed slumped over and was instead "trying desperately hard not to start crying in front of my cool new friends" type slumped over they all got me out of there pretty quickly which was very kind of them. we smoked in an alleyway to bring me back down and I could hear in the building people cheering about our famous cuddlepuddle finally being gone. a literal shout went up about it throughout the building. which would make me a bit sad if it wasnt also so funny in hindsight how obnoxious we were being. i think the puddle as a whole lasted for 3-4 hours, I did not touch the dancefloor once after the 5 minutes when i came in because once the 5mapb kicked in the serotonin load got too heavy to lift my body lol.
anyways we order an uber home. my friend who orders the uber sends us to a hotel across town with the same name that crucially is not our hotel. a pretty tense-sounding negotiation ensues because our driver doesnt speak english. the google translate results kept spitting out ominous vaguely violent-sounding stuff that may or may not be what the guy was actually saying but I was just staring out at the pittsburgh skyline humming "roadrunner" the entire time to calm my nerves. the situation is eventually resolved somehow and we return to our real hotel. after we get back to the hotel I'm invited to my 2 new friends' backroom because it seemed like i really needed some people to cuddle with RN and we were all still well awake + rolling despite it being 4am or so. and i have some really nice conversations with them, i get to know them in ways i didn't know them before, i decide i really have to see this woman again after this con ends because i've decided she rocks. my brain's still working somehow at this point we spend a few hours getting lost in conversation chatting about the introudction of african rhythms into western classical music, aleatoric composers, etc, we try to sleep to stockhausen. it doesn't work well. we sleep, sort of. that's my club night
16. a drunken story.
here's a nice one: i was hanging out with some tumblr friends in NYC ~a month ago for a beach day to celebrate one of their number's imminent top surgery. this weekend coincided with the NBA finals in which the NY knicks won their first championship in 53 years. and i don't particularly follow any sports, but me and the friend I was staying with decided to go out to a bar anyways, so we could tell our kids we were there+outside one day if they did end up taking it. the bar we chose was a mildly skeevy metal bar, with strippers, and what really sticks in my memory is absolutely NOBODY was paying attention to them dancing up and down the bar, because by the time we got there it was the last ~1m30 on the game clock and every single pair of eyes in the room was glued to the TV. i felt a little bad for them. now of course as we all know the knicks DID in fact take it, and there was much celebration to be had, so the drinks were poured quite stiff. and i got slumped-over-on-friend's-shoulder type hammered quite quickly because I'm really not THAT hard a drinker but my brain was still functioning and my mouth was still moving. and somehow the aimless movement of my mouth brings our conversation to this one medieval hebrew poem about a rabbi cursing god for not making him a woman, and my friend then reveals to me that he actually speaks fluent hebrew and is like "let me read it". so it's just walltowall packed here full of drunk NYers, deafeningly loud 80s metal blasting, strippers stepping over our heads slumped over on the bar w our arms around each other screaming medieval hebrew poetry into one other's ear. one of those really vivid place memories that I'm gonna carry forever
2. a famous person i’ve been compared to.
the main one I get these days is natasha lyonne but I don't really see it at all aside from that we both have big red hair. I used to get devi mccallion a lot too, and I think her hair+facial structure is closer to mine, but I also just used to wear super similar glasses to the ones she used.
15. lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
already answered this one but I'll throw in another:
been muttering this one a lot under my breath lately like a mantra. because I DO really want to break the wall that castrates us all! this has been my goal for the past few months! harmony's cuddle party - boston lovers.
18. post a picture of myself.
here is a picture of me from when i was 19 and going to college in plattsburgh, NY.
i used to wear beanies and fingerless gloves and cross necklaces everywhere and part my hair to the side because I was emo. i was actively suicidal and making a lot of really poor choices and listening to a lot of seeyouspacecowboy and bladee at the time. this photo specifically I think was taken in the back of the shuttle bus between the campus and the dead mall at which there was a movie theater, a spencers, a target and very little else. I would go over there to bother my friend who worked at target, or to walk around the perimeter listening to icedancer feeling sorry for myself, or to buy sex toys for which to fuck myself hwhilst abusing my friend's ritalin prescription and sexting women from twitter 10 years too old for me.
i was not very good at being in college at all. i majored in audio engineering, and actually did sort of enjoy the classes pertaining to that, but i skipped most of everything else because i was busy getting myself into totally nightmarish dennis cooper type situations off grindr for no reason or crashing at punk houses in vermont for indeterminate periods of time or being involuntarily committed or etc. i wasted like $3500 on 1 semester before dropping out, and i still feel pretty stupid for doing this sometimes, but sometimes I miss it anyways. it was the first time in my life I was ever transgender 4realsies, first time I ever performed music live for ppl, first time i really existed as an independent being. looking at my face here now I think I still look more or less the same, i just dress a little more subtle now :p still full of possibilities
3. 5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
for the same sex:
- it annoys me how much they compliment my hair sometimes it's like 5-6 times a day some days. I really SHOULD be more grateful, and I've been trying to be less nonappreciative bc it's not really a real thing to be mad about, it's just like there's other things about me that are nice and I never hear anything else
- when they ask me how long I've been on hormones and I have to formulate an answer for that, because 1. that is a personal question and 2. the actual answer is getting increasingly embarrassing for what i have to show for it lol
- it irritates me that I need to voice train if i want to actually pass as one. it would probably improve my life and I am definitely being demand avoidant about it but it just annoys me
for the opposite:
- hate that guys can have mullets+mustaches+piercings and still be straight and transphobic,
- hate the thing older guys at your work do where they clap your shoulder when they see you
- sometimes I just start getting randomly viscerally grossed out when a guy's stubble is too much on my skin. even though I like it some of the time
4. the best thing that has happened to me this week.
I just got back from spending several days kicking it w this girl i met at anthrocon for whom my first reaction upon seeing her was like, "ok #wow but she is SO out of my league I do not have a chance in hell", but we've actually been hitting it off super well and she likes me a lot so it seems, and so she says, so i suppose i should go against my gut more often. it was really really cute having the mutual crush admission conversation with someone again i had sort of forgotten how sweet it feels. she's like a performance artist/writer/fetish model and we're working on a project together now and it's pretty cool. sometimes you meet someone and they make you feel so excited just to be alive and share the same earth as them. only issue is, she lives in detroit, which is like a $200-300 plane ride for me to come visit again :-( but i have to... i'm kind of considering it as a place to move now too, and not SOLELY because of her, there's other factors drawing me in, but it would be pretty nice if I could just drive 10 minutes and be with her. or to be with the litany of other wonderful detroiters I've hit it off with recently too who'd want to see me too, but when our faces are really close and she's making this really intense eye contact w me I feel like something is going to change inside me. I should probably be more normal about it bc I've only known her for like 2 weeks but. lol. so that I'd say is one of the better things that happened to me in the past week
5. weird things i do when i’m alone.
often when i'm listening to music I grind my teeth along w the rhythm which I will definitely regret one day but it's sort of a compulsion. i have trichotillomania + nailbiting habits too. all my guitar picks have little teeth marks on them because I'm always chewing on them absentmindedly. when I'm walking and I pass an arborvitae or a sumac plant I always rip a piece off and eat it
been playing a game called Ishin No Arashi, which was am ambitious Koei sim for the famicom where you play a dignitary of your choice during the Bakumatsu era and try to convert others to your ideology. here's me playing as famous samurai Ryoma Sakamoto doing a dogshit job of winning others over by having an incredibly awkward conversation
reading the "wandering rocks" episode in Ulysses i felt a similar sense of vertigo as when I first got into pittsburgh and decided to take a detour to take the duquesne incline it being the very early morning and having nothing else to do. and having reached the top I wandered down to the chamber where you can look up into the original 1877 machinery and watch how the mass of gears lifts the car all the way up the mountainside. reading all the segments interlocking with one another was like watching a powerful, reliable, well-oiled machine like that in motion
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