I have a better idea.

I just ate half a rotisserie chicken. How am I still hungry ?

[kookoohole]

Show & Tell

I went on a coffee date with a guy and found out, after the fact (through a mutual friend), that he has a 10 year old son.

Huh?

Couldn’t we have talked about this? I mean, literally, couldn’t we have talked about this?

I feel as if having a child isn’t really something one can hide for very long.

I may not have a child, but I do have common sense -- and she told me that I can’t play with that guy anymore.

[kookoohole]

Can’t Sit With Us

I flew recently and had a seat on the end of a three-seat row.

I typically don’t care who or what sits next to me, as long as they keep to themselves and don’t do armrest overhang.

Enter a young man next to me, followed by another young man next to him.

Young Man 1: Hey -- do you mind trading seats with my girlfriend? She’s up in row 19, economy comfort, would you mind?

Young Man 2: Sure. No problem.

<Both men head towards front of plane>

Three minutes later...

The same two men return.

Which made me wonder: 

Did Young Man 1 and his (alleged) girlfriend not discuss the aforementioned seat-trading?

How did the exchange go down exactly when Young Man 1′s girlfriend informed him, and Young Man 2, that she didn’t want to sit with him?

What motivates you so much that you don’t want to sit with your boyfriend (”boyfriend”?) on a five hour plane ride?

Regardless: 

I quickly lost interest in the exchange -- you would too if Mike XXL was one of your free movie options.

[kookoohole]

Party Foul

Hello and Happy New Year! I don’t know where the time went, but I’m going to post as if no time has past and that the silence wasn’t awkward in any way.

I’m also striving for a kinder, gentler kind of blog -- so here goes!

So I threw a little New Year’s party to usher in 2016 and I knew most everyone who showed up except for some random coworkers someone brought with.

One was a lady (who came and left quickly). The other three were -- I’ll spare you the details -- complete imbeciles.

One really stood out as the leader moron. He was loud,  obnoxious, told offensive jokes and insulted at least three of my friends there. He was lucky I let him stay as long as I did before I asked him to leave.

Of all the things he did that night, his most heinous act was farting while he was talking to my girlfriends. In the middle of the discussion, he let one loose on them. On them. Did it help that he apologized for the breech? Not really.

A lot of lines were crossed that night, but I can safely say this was the most foul of them all.

[kookoohole]

Magic Words

Among strangers, there are two words that elicit reactions of the visceral kind. These words are:

"My girlfriend…"

You’ll notice the “…” in the above example. It means that EVERYTHING you said after that word-pair utterance is rendered ENTIRELY useless to the living world (that single people live in).

Commonly heard variations include:

My boyfriend

My fiancé(e)

My child (gender irrelevant)

How about you inject those words MUCH earlier into our conversation -- say, within the first 120 seconds -- because we both know you can. 

And let us both decide how much effort and time either of us really wants to put in to a pointless conversation.

[kookoohole]

Help Me Help You (Pt. II)

Pretty often I get approached about openings at my company, being a referral, etc etc.

Every few requests, one will sound like this:

"Hi. I’m looking for opportunities. Let me know if anything comes up."

I find this to be the lazy man’s form of “recruiting”.

(Mind you, I work for a blue chip company that has more than just one or two job postings -- and I don't spend my time combing through them on the regular.)

The other day, a former classmate (who I haven't interacted with in years) approached with just such an email. Only, he did two better:

Opened with a long summary highlighting his life wins, complete with a video recording of his surprise proposal to his fiancee

Argued with me about his qualifications for a role in my company

"Great. Apply online then. All the best."

Give me something to work with here. And by "something" I don't mean you.

[kookoohole]

Fighting Words

There are certain phrases that should never be used during a discussion-argument:

"It's not a big deal"

"Calm down"

Using one of these responses (especially if you are a man talking to a woman) does not quickly end a dialogue peacefully. Applying one of these foolish replies only serves to ensure the following outcomes:

"It's not a big deal" --> It wasn't a big deal, but it is one now.

"Calm down" --> I was calm. I'm not anymore.

It should also be noted, repeating the phrase over and over does not help in any measure. There is actually a direct correlation between number of times repeated and number of days you will be sorry for doing so.

When you find yourself standing at the crossroads of About To Become A Verbal Battle Royale & Acknowledge Wrongness and Diffuse The Situation, know what not to say.

[kookoohole]

PYT

There's this guy who keeps texting me -- for fun, let's say he's around 24 years old.

And while I think the sweet, ripe age of 24 is a good age to be, it's not within my realm of dating consideration.

The problem is, he's like a really potent sticky spot that never quite goes away, no matter how hard I wipe -- or how harsh I am with the cleaning.

He's quite resilient, has great short term memory and an almost impressive tolerance for pain -- after all, he keeps coming back for more, a year+ into our non-relationship.

The sad truth is, if he were 34, I would be doing a St. Patrick's jig, because I'd just found a pot o' gold at the end of my Dating Rainbow. However, he's not. And I'm not.

Poor young thing.

[kookoohole]

Help Me Help You

I met a deal closer last weekend. We talked, we vibed, he asked for my number. Winner.

When it comes to getting a girl’s number, what most guys don’t realize is when a woman is meeting him halfway.

If I talk to you for more than ten minutes, ask and ye shall receive, my man.

If you don’t, I will assume you are stupid or married, and either assessment is bad, because it means I just wasted the last ten minutes talking to you.

*************Update*************

The guy never called.

Translation: He was married or otherwise spoken for. I should have known, because it took him so long (15 minutes) to ask for my number, and he wasn't a shy kind of guy.

Let me guess -- just testing to see if "he's still got it" ? Yeah. You still got it.

[kookoohole]

Never Too Late

I just received an unexpected phone call -- I didn't recognize the number, which was calling my fake Google Voice line, but I picked up anyway (because I'm eagerly awaiting a package delivery, and I thought it might be the delivery person calling).

Real life reenactment:

"Hallo? This is <garbled name> match. You gave me your number."

"I'm sorry, what?" <insert realization someone from my online dating past is calling to cash in some cellular digit chips> "Have we met?"

"This is <garbled name>. You gave me your number in May."

<pause>

So many things were swirling around in my mind when he said that. Things such as:

May... was I really on the site that long?

So... why are you calling?

And... 

I'm not one to lie, ever really, but I quickly reasoned that the best way to keep myself safe -- and to end the ridiculous conversation -- was, indeed, to lie:

"Oh. Yeah... I don't use the site anymore."

"So, do you want to meet?"

My brain: Lie. Immediately. And with much intention.

"No, I'm dating someone. Very seriously."

"Oh. Congratulations. Bye."

There actually is an expiration date on weird, stalkery behavior, and that date lives somewhere between Always Too Soon and Definitely Too Late.

(Photo source: http://letyourvoicebenerd.com/tag/tenth-doctor/)

[kookoohole]

Game On

I managed to land myself on a pretty decent team in this volleyball league for urban professionals. Huzzah!

Since I couldn't gather enough people myself to form a complete team, I went to an open gym night last night where teams who need players/players who need teams play and get matched up.

A few things I learned (that can be broadly applied to life)

Self evaluations are always better than (out of touch with) reality

There is no such thing as Intermediate level; there are only Beginners and people who don't know what they're doing, and people who will slam you in the face (very applicable to life)

No one wants to be stuck with the leftovers, even if you, yourself, are a leftover

Just because you do something frequently, it doesn't mean you're good at it

When all was said and done, I ended up with some cool people who can at least (1) hit the ball (2) know how to play.

Game. Set. Match. 

[kookoohole]

Dead To Me

Yesterday I noticed a new guy roaming around my office, and I learned that he was here to stay. Yawn.

Coincidentally, I received a paper advertisement for an urban professionals volleyball league. Light bulb.

My need for his height (and assumed athleticism) prompted me to introduce myself much sooner than I normally would have.

I discovered two things:

He recently tore his meniscus

He's married

In other words, he is completely useless to me. The husband thing I could have dealt with. The bum knee? Forget it. He might as well tell me he doesn't drink or like life.

Where are all the healthy tall people when you really need them.

http://movieclips.com/pbWE-cast-away-movie-im-sorry-wilson/

[kookoohole]

Quarter Love

A played a little game of pick up this morning on the way to work:

I saw a quarter on the ground and picked it up. Quick.

A quarter ???? A quarter is like the Rolls-Royce Phantom of lost coins. Only paper bills trump quarters in the grand scheme of money products that people drop.

Normally I don't pick up street change, especially pennies. Dirty ground = dirty penny = cost benefit analysis tells me ... do not pick up. Same thing with nickels.

Dimes, I allow my eyes to linger, in the hopes it draws attention to it, so some less hypochondriatic person will give it a good pocket to rest in.

But a quarter ? Not only was a happy to find it, I looked over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't going to get jumped for the score.

Sure, once in the office, I had to wash it and my left hand that picked it up. But it was worth it.

Quarter of a dollar ? Don't mind if I do !

[kookoohole]

Girlfriend v2.0

The other day I randomly (intentionally) came across (looked up) a picture of my ex and his girlfriend.

Let's sidebar previous comments I've heard about my successor bearing resemblance to me. I'm sure the girl I saw has a nice personality, but I was honestly expecting to see someone way hotter looking than me (which isn't that hard to accomplish).

I guess it's supposed to bring me relief knowing that my ex's attempt at Girlfriend (version x.0) isn't a limited edition release (hot product, hard to get, in high demand).

But I still have mixed emotions about what I saw, mostly confusion.

[kookoohole]

Tofu Type

My mom recently commented to me about how I look "firm".

Wow. Mom. Thanks.

Followed by (something like), "You must work out, because you look firm."

Wow, Mom... thanks ?

She meant well (I think), but I wasn't quite sure where to put the punctuation in my "wow mom thanks" reply.

Regardless, my mom unknowingly stumbled upon the greatest adjective to simultaneously describe someone who is fit or fat -- and they won't really know which you mean when you say it: firm

Firm, like tofu. Which kind are you -- silken, medium, firm or extra firm?

[kookoohole]

Dust It Off

The other day, this guy messaged me to see how I was doing.

Mind you, four 1/2 months prior we couldn't get enough of each other in a texting kinda way. Which, four weeks following onset, evolved into complete silence.

I know guys (and girls) have trouble processing this concept -- but sometimes it's better to leave people alone.

No need to pick me up and dust me off. I'm doing just great completely forgetting that you exist.

You're disturbing me, and not in a good way. Stop blowing my dust off.

[kookoohole]

My Cup

My cup runneth over with so many things I don't want to do -- all beginning with work, and ending there.

[kookoohole]

Put A Ring On It

I've seen this a few times -- men who take their rings off when they "go out".

Why is this?

Yo man, we're friends ("friends"). I know you didn't stop being married somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday.

I've also seen guys take their rings off mid-outing -- as in, they take it off after having a few drinks, or making some mental determination (while out socializing) that that is what they should do.

??????

I have never understood this behavior.

An explanation I've heard: To see if he's "still got it"

Got what? His wife? Because, YEAH, he's still GOT IT

And he should knock it off if he wants to keep it

You just don't do that.

Men are stupid.