I wanted to post this on Trans Visibility Day, but my schedule is just all over! But I think it’s an important thought to not wait until next year. ;)
First of all. This is advice, but it is also advice that is not the end-all-solution-to-your-problem. Take it with a grain of salt. Take it for what it is…another perspective. I am not a therapist. I am not a counselor. I’m just another transgender person.
So, I hear from a lot of in-the-closet transgender individuals. I sympathize with them for my own time spent presenting as my birth gender. Even when I was out and flip-flopping genders on a daily basis, the pain I felt was enough for me to never want to turn away someone who feels like that. If you haven’t experienced it, good. I’d never wish it upon anyone!
I always wondered why some of my trans acquaintances didn’t seem to like that I was between the genders and yet wanted to identify only as a woman, but presented as a man in my daily life. “Why are you still dressing up as a man Bunny?” “Are you really Trans?” Now I realize it’s because once you do decide to go fulltime, it’s like the time you spent fighting it was fucking pointless. And seeing other people going through that hurts. When I see folks fighting it and living in pain, it’s exactly what I went through. And sometimes it’s even worse. That anyone would do that to themselves is crazy. And yet they do. And yet I did. I know it’s not an easy lesson to learn either. And that only makes it more frustrating.
Of course, we all have different journeys. Some people can be happy living between the genders. But that wasn’t me. I just didn’t know what I wanted yet. Me coming to the realization that this is not something I could get away from has filled me with a lot of regret for the time I lost trying to be someone I’m not, but I also know how hard it has been to get where I am.
However, it’s a hell of a lot better than the alternatives. I wasn’t happy being genderqueer or “gender neutral.” It tugged me so much in too many directions. If that somehow works for you, more power to you. But I couldn’t do it.
I still don’t understand how anyone can do that! But that’s because my experience was that feeling of being ripped asunder. It’s hard to see genderqueer individuals and put myself in their shoes. I get not feeling like your birth gender, and I get the frustrations with the preconceived notions and expectations of the genders and wanting to live outside that…but I can’t imagine a world where I can interact on a material plane without being one of two genders. It’s just in the biology of my creation. It’s rooted in my DNA and it’s simply how I am wired. It’s not a preference to me, it’s just how I function.
But everyone is different. Gender is a gradient as far as I’m concerned. I simply know we are united…in pain.
It doesn’t pain me any less knowing that genderqueer individuals will probably suffer their entire lives living outside the gender spectrum. And it kind of sucks to think about. Especially when you think about how other non-trans individuals could ever come to understand what we go through as a community.
There certainly are a lot of supporters. And there are certainly still a lot of people uncomfortable with us.
A common occurrence I hear is family members not accepting their transgender loved ones. A lot of children and a lot of husband and wives. And it saddens me to hear that even families who have come to embrace my change and see it as positive, are distraught when their husband wants to be a woman, or their little girl wants to dress like a boy.
You’ll hear enough people backing you up on not accepting your loved ones. Plenty of it. But it’s sickening at how hollow we make our relationships. And maybe you’ll lose your husband or your daughter- but it doesn’t mean you have to lose that person behind the label.
Even if you get divorced. Even if you lose your little girl…fucking support them. Embrace them and tell them that you’ll be there no matter what.
Because dammit, this stuff is hard. And if you’re building a fucking family it’s your goddamn responsibility to try and preserve the marriage or at least be a fucking friend. At least be a decent human being even if you won’t be attracted to them anymore. And especially if they’re your child. You don’t have to do jack shit with them for most of their adult lives. Otherwise those asinine vows you took were all bullshit. And if you’re rejecting your child, you don’t deserve to be a fucking parent. That kid deserves a better family.
That said. If you are a kid…and your parents aren’t accepting…you’ve gotta weigh your options. You’re under their control like it or not. Seek your support groups where you can. Figure out a long term game plan. Because I hate to say it…
Having a roof over your head is kind of more important.
How long should you put it all off? Well, I don’t know. Only you know your situation. But I hope you younger folks understand that it can get so much better in time. Once you become your own person a lot of doors open up…a lot of possibilities are out there that you can’t immediately see if all you know is life with your parents
I suppose the silver lining for transgender people is that…yes, things can go to shit when and if you make the transition. Child or not. But there are plenty of us with open arms who keep coming to the support groups, who keep telling you that we love you…because we’ve been there. And we don’t want you to fail. A lot of the times it is because we ourselves don’t want to fail.
I’ve cried myself more times than I can count. I’ve wanted to give up on everything. I’m still here. I’m still holding on. And I can honestly say my life is ten times better. Living isn’t a chore I do in between shows. Transition isn’t a cure-all, but it makes it so you can have a much better chance at living a happy life. Now that I’m getting this under control, I can approach other issues in my life with much more clarity.
My advice is to be smart about coming out and transitioning. You are not me, and my transition was almost painless where family is concerned. I was lucky. They immediately embraced it.
Like an abusive relationship in hindsight, you do need to always put yourself first. But you may have a good reason to not experiment. To not see if you want to transition.
Weigh if it’s worth your unhappiness. Is it worth lying. Is it worth pushing off.
If family wants you to be someone else, you may get to a point in your life when you may have to drop their asses. Getting your symbiotic relationships elsewhere is perfectly fine.
I’m estranged with my mother. Being transgender had nothing to do with that, but it was still fucking hard to write her out of my life because she is family. She raised me. But for my own sanity, I cast her out. I had to be my own person.
I have a loving father and brother still. But my family is ultimately my cat, David, my friends, and my business partners. We have fun, we do family-esque things together, and I don’t want it any other way.
I’m a social creature just like you, but I don’t want grandma or Uncle Bob in my life. I don’t even care if they accept me or not. They’re just those people I receive a card from every centennial.
Of course you don’t have to act on anything like I did. Maybe your family is more traditional. And it may be much easier for you to be in your comfortable funk and lie to yourself.
But that voice in the back of your mind that gnaws will never go away. And you’ll never know what it might be until you address it.
I spent a lot of time running away from that voice. I am so glad I gave it the attention it deserved.
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