Posting on here for real for the first time in a loooooong time, I just feel like I need to scream into the void somewhere where the void might scream back, if you feel me.
I think this is the worst my depression has ever been, and on the surface it doesnāt actually look that bad. Because Iām trying really fucking hard and thatās WHY itās so bad. Iām doing everything I can to prevent myself from crashing because with the way I feel, and have felt the last few times I hit a low point, Iām afraid that I wonāt make it out this time. I cannot handle feeling like this anymore, but nothing works, nothing I do changes anything for more than a day or two. I donāt know if the fact that I havenāt been scheduled in a while is helping or hurting, because in the past work has snapped me out of it, but the last few times I did work I was losing my shit, so Iām not sure how Iām going to manage when I actually have a shift. It is REALLY hard to stand on a stage and instruct a class when you feel like this, make it a hard class and itās impossible. I lucked out that my last shift was a really awesome, small group, because if theyād been difficult or needy it might have been bad.Ā
and the fact that I have like, 4 friends doesnāt help. Iāve spent the last year focusing a lot on someone who yeah, is there for me, but idk for how long. idk how secure that relationship is. right now its almost nonexistent but there are a lot of valid reasons for that, its just making everything a lot harder. the universe is really throwing it all at me. idk if having people there even would help, not that my friends arenāt keeping in touch, but like, what can they even do? nothing. no one but me can do anything about this.Ā
another thing that is really making this hard is that my emotions are completely different than theyve ever been during an episode, other than the wholeĀ āim going to post a lot on the internet in the hopes that people will talk to me because this is the most social interaction i can manage but if i dont interact at all im going to really lose itā. usually Iām numb, nothing matters, i sit around and watch a lot of tv and feel disconnected from reality, and intentionally isolated.Ā
this is different. Iām crying, a lot. iām constantly overwhelmed by everything big and small, but im capable of being semi productive which isnt usually the case. im flipping a lot, from totally fine and happy and able to laugh and feeling like nothing is wrong, to complete devastation with no triggers at all. writing this ive almost started crying a handful of times.
i dont fucking know. i dont know what to do. I went to my GP and got bloodwork done and am getting my thyroid looked at because i am really really hoping I have a health condition thatās causing this, because if thats the case then maybe i can actually treat it, but i might just be grasping at straws. if theres nothing wrong with me idk how im gunna react. im almost starting to consider looking into inpatient centers.Ā
i fucking hate everythingĀ
