diluc takes a tumble, and you take it upon yourself to patch him up.
itās not that dilucās against healers. heās well-aware that they serve a very important function, and that their talents should not go unappreciated. but as much as he knows that, and as much as he understands that being in top form is essential for what he does of an evening, he still wonāt go to one.
he just doesnāt like making a fuss.
besides, heās only got a few cuts and bruises. chances are theyād heal in a few days anyway ā and to avoid any questions, he could just hole up in the winery. occasional hermitage isnāt unusual for him, nor would anyone think it strange. so while itās more than he usually comes away with, he thinks itās nothing to get worked up about.
you disagree.
he hadnāt expected you to be here, nor had any of the staff alerted him to your arrival. he'd found you poking around the foyer when he got home, slick with sweat and bush branches tangled in his hair. in any other circumstance, he would have found the wide-eyed surprise on your face endearing. but as it was immediately followed up with fuss, he resigned instead to a feeling of mild displeasure.
āitās unusual for you to be bested,ā you muse, dabbing gently at the graze on his chin. āshould monstadt start panicking?ā
somehow, youād sat him down in a chair upstairs and gathered a makeshift medical kit from various places in the building. diluc doesnāt even know where youād managed to find all these things. heās also not sure if youāve got any medical prowess to boast of.Ā
āi wasnāt bested,ā diluc mumbles, doing everything within his power to stop himself from looking at your face. he thinks he might burn up otherwise. āiā¦ tripped.ā
āyou tripped?ā you sound like you didnāt believe him.
āyes,ā diluc says, with the reticence of a man nursing a deep concern for his honour, āi tripped over some branches lying around the hilichurl encampment.ā
āyou got all these cuts and bruises from a couple of branches?ā youāre growing more skeptical by the minute.
thereās a long silence, heavy with your disbelief.Ā
ātheir camp was right next to a cliff,ā he admits. āso, as you can imagineā¦ā
āyou fell off a cliff?ā your jaw drops.
āyes,ā he says, stoutly.
you laugh. it starts small, a little chuckle you seem to be keeping to yourself, but then it blossoms, loud and raucous and likely noisy enough to give his staff cause for concern. it startles him ā heās never seen you like this, eyes squeezed shutĀ as youāre keeled over, a fist pressed to your mouth as though youāre trying to stuff the laughter back inside. it almost feels like a mockery of some kind, but he struggles to articulate how.Ā
yet something in dilucās heart stirs. something strange, something new, something he hasnāt let himself give in to. heās felt it before, but heās never let it take shape, never let himself dwell on it. such feelings are dangerous ā distractions at best and a hinderance at worst. or, thatās what he likes to tell himself. itās a good a reason as any to keep them to himself, shoved as far back in his chest as possible.Ā
āwhatās so funny?ā he asks. his cheeks feel hot, and heās becoming less sure he likes the sound of your laughter.Ā
āitās just the thought of youāyou tumblingāā youāre still giggling as you try to speak, cheeks round and eyes sparkling as you look at him.
he still doesnāt understand why you find it so amusing. if you were to go tumbling off the side of a cliff, he couldnāt imagine himself finding such humour in it. but perhaps thatās because you yourself would laugh it off. youāve never taken yourself too seriously, and heās well aware of his reputation as a man with little mirth.Ā
he thinks, in passing, that he would like to make you laugh more. but, he hasnāt the first idea how (and he has no intention of tumbling off any more cliffs). for now he lets you wear yourself out, waiting (impatiently) for you to regain your composure.Ā
āiām sorry,ā you say as you take a deep breath, āthe visual was justā¦ just too much.āĀ
diluc has nothing to say to that. he just grimaces, clenching his gloved fists in his lap.Ā
your eyes are already back on his face, carefully looking for any unattended scrapes. ābesides, iām just glad youāre okay.āĀ
heās startled for the second time tonight. you sounded soā¦ sincere, as you said it. and youād said it like it was nothing ā but to him, such small wordsā¦ he knows thereās still people who worry about him ā if he got seriously injured, jean would surely have a panic, and while kaeya was a problem all of his own, diluc was sure he would have at least a little worry in his heart. but to have someone say it to his face, with no worries about how he might perceive or it how appropriate it may beā¦ itās exhilarating.Ā
and diluc thinks itās stupid that heās so worked up about it.Ā
ādonāt waste your time worrying about me,ā he mumbles. heās sure you can feel the heat emanating off him.Ā
āi know youāre more than capable of taking yourself,ā you hum with a smile. ābut thatās not going to stop me worrying about you.āĀ
diluc mumbles something incoherent. even heās not quite sure what he meant to say.Ā
that tugging in his chest wonāt stop. but what was he supposed to do? you are one of the few people he can truly call friend ā and of all the people he knows, you arenāt imbricated in the trauma of his past. your opinion of him isnāt coloured by who he used to be. thereās a freedom, a space to breathe in your relationship. you donāt pity him in the slightest, because you werenāt there. you remind him of the dawn, all gentle light and hope.Ā
how would you respond, if he dared tell you that your touch made him feel like he might implode? if he admitted to wanting to lean into your touch?Ā
heās not brave enough for that. what if you found the thought repulsive? what if such an admission would permanently fracture the relationship you had? diluc is used to taking calculated risks ā but this is one area he has no confidence in.
for now, he just wants to relish in this moment, as much as your touch makes him feel like heās about to fall apart.Ā
Maus is one of the most important literary works of the twentieth century for its look at the Jewish experience of the Holocaust. āNever again,ā begins with the stories of victims and survivors. When we ban books like Maus, we build a high-speed racetrack to another Holocaust.
Hi there. I saw your post and just wanted to send my love and appreciation towards you for all the works you've written. A lot of them are comfort fics that I come back and read often. You've always been kind and responsive towards the comments Ive made, and really made a safe space here. I hope that you're able to find your love for writing again. I'd love to talk about your original work sometime, and I'd love to share my discord with you if you happen to be interested. No pressure though :) much love and good vibes your way <3
oh i would love to exchange discords with you my dear :( iāve appreciated your comments and asks so, so much, and your little frog icon (whether it be an actual frog or mr kermit himself) would always bring a little smile to my face when i saw it in my notifs. iām glad my fics could provide you with some comfort and that my blog is somewhere youāve felt safe. for me personally, thatās the main thing i want to achieve with what i do :ā)Ā
Hi Rowan! You don't have to answer, please don't feel pressured! I just came to say that I am in love with your writing. You ARE talented, far more talented than you think, and it's obvious to anyone who reads your stories. I am in love with your style, I am in love with how you portray characters, I am in love with your stories, I am in LOVE. Your content is amazing and beautiful. But in the end, YOU are the most important part of it. So, I wish you that you fall in love with your writing again
YOUāRE SO SWEET IāM GONNA EAT MY WHOLE FIST FDLKJFDS in all honesty iāve never liked my own writing (i...... i didnāt even proofread my stuff because i couldnāt stand reading it fsdlkjfd i just put it out to the world and hoped for the best), and i hope that one day i can see some merit in it. but i canāt thank you enough for your kind words :( they go so much further than you could ever know, and i appreciate the fact that you took time out of your day just to say something kind to me T-TĀ
Thank you for your fanfics. It was really refreshing to see well-written sfw, not dc content (cuz Iām not comfortable reading those). I wish you the best in pursuing your writing. Maybe someday Iāll even get to read your published writing, hahaha! Please take care of yourself mentally and physically! (PS. I know weāve never really talked, but I enjoy listening to people talk about their passions, so if you wanna talk about writing Iām up for exchanging discords)
thank you for your support :( HHHHH hereās hoping i actually get published (and am reasonably successful) so iām not sitting here talking out of my ass and looking like a right prick. iām doing my best to look after myself (first step is hydrating and making sure iām brushing my teeth every night dflkfd)
my discord is rowan#8893 if you wanted to add me :ā) but be wared, i am Quite the ramblerĀ
Hello Rowan! Iām so glad you decided to take a break from tumblr to rest :) Actually, to me, your writings are so much better than some of the ones that are āpopularā. I once sent an ask about how you made my 2020 better, and it really did :D And I think you mentioned something about your birthday so happy birthday! donāt forget to drink water :ā)
thank you so much :( iām glad i could make your 2020 more bearable! itās my birthday on the 12th of june, so itās not too far away (also if anyoneās seeing this please wish @/kuroolongtea a happy birthday :ā) she Ages today)Ā
and hhhhhh do not worry, i donāt think ren would ever let me forget to stay hydratedĀ
Hi! It's only been pretty recently (not more than a few weeks, I believe?) since I found you. Your works have been comforting, and you've always had a knack into adding warmth into your pieces. This is how I feel about you and your art, and I hope you know that your readers appreciate you. Nevertheless, the standard for improvement & the idea of a "goal" is always something only one's self can truly answer (or bother themselves with) and your decision is perfectly understandable. I just hope it didn't sadden you too much.
Anyway, since I dont know much I can't keep yapping on :')) I just wanted to go on anon to tell you how thankful I am for you the art you shared with us for a while - and how relieved I was that you would still put this blog up as I still want to go through your masterlist (uni sucks </3). Thank you!! I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and whilst I do wish to have interacted more (this is my first with u :'(( we could've been friends ngl š„ŗ lololol jk i hope this isn't invasive), I'm glad that I was still able to have met (?) you during your active stay here on tumblr. Stay well, and take care always. š¤
i just think life is full of so many pockets of warmth and that our relationships with others are so precious and UGH. i love writing because i get to express that and explore it and iām just so T-T your point about standard for improvement is a good one though, and honestly i think taking some time away from tumblr will definitely help me articulate my personal standard (since a lot of people here are writing purely for the fun of it and without any goals outside of fanfiction -- which is fine! but it means we expect different things from ourselves)
hhhh i donāt know much of anything either and i keep yapping on regardless :ā) but no, thank you for your support and the time youāve taken to read my stuff. and sfdlkjfls no donāt worry itās not invasive! you can add me on discord if youād like (rowan#8893). i feel as though i have a very Specific personality, but i do love getting to know people and making friends. so if you feel comfortable doing, so please feel free to reach out!
hey rowan! i saw ur post about leaving tumblr and i just wanted to say that ur works here have always been my favorite. ive been reading ur works for a while and all of them have brought me so much joy! as much as i enjoy the kind of style and prose that gets popular on here, i just personally prefer works like urs that just tell it how it is? i feel like it comes across as more sincere and endearing. plus the way u portray these characters and articulate their thoughts and feelings its justāUGHHH ITS SO GOOD!! the plots?! the dynamics?! i love them. u have contributed so much to this community and ur writing is just awesome. take all the time u need!
BLESS YOU ANON THANK YOU... iām so glad i could bring you some joy alkjfdfdlk god knows we need it. my writing style has always been.... simple, i suppose? but a lot of it comes down to my desire to write something authentic (which is a double-edged sword, but thatās a whole different conversation). i really donāt feel like iāve contributed much but iām glad you think so :ā) thank you for your support!Ā
hi there!! i know i havenāt spoken much to you but i have interacted with your work tons, but iām actually gonna miss you sm now that youāre gonna leave tumblr. iāve found you to be one of the best hq writers out there after discovering tiny love and legit all of your kuroo fics,,,but if itās for the best than itās for the best! i hope you find your happiness again and that your passion for writing will continue to flourish, whether that be in fictional work or fan fiction
remember that you owe no one anything and if that means prioritising your health and happiness for the sake of content, then so be it. to be really fucking honest tho i have my notifs on for you so if you do come back, iāll also come running with so much love and support istg
good luck rowan! ššš
(i said iād answer these yesterday but i was befallen by the Moon Sickness and ended up just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself all day but AnYwAy--)Ā
thank you so much, youāre too kind :( itās you mention tiny love because i personally see that fic as one fo the downfalls for my self-esteem and i cringe whenever i think about it, but you know what? at least you enjoyed it.Ā
i hope that i can find my passion for writing again as well :ā) losing it has been. very painful, but iām sure i can find it again.Ā
thank you so much for your words and for reading my stuff. maybe iāll be back one day, and if i am, i hope we cross paths once more <3Ā
hi. i wrote a much longer and emotionally charged rant when i was in the thick of it with my feelings, but iām going to put out a more measured version of that here. that being said, itās stillā¦ really fucking long.Ā
long story short, iām quitting tumblr. at least for a while. iām not sure if iāll be back or when, but itās just not a healthy environment for me anymore. itās not fun. writing is a hobby, but itās also something iād like to actually pursue; and iām so sick and tired of feeling like iām inadequate or iāll never be a successful writer because iām not popular in hq x reader fanfiction circles (and yet some people might think that i have no right to complain since i occasionally get Notes TM, but i guess everyoneās metrics are different).
i also feel like iāve actually regressed as a writer during my time here, and i almost regret pouring so much time into this blog while having nothing to show for it in terms of my skills. a lot of whatās popular on tumblr is style over substance, which is a terrible habit to develop if you ever want to write outside of a fanfic context. the fact that i feel like iām a weak writer because my prose isnāt pretty enough is absurd. furthermore, how can i develop my own style and sense of self as a writer if iām always down because the people here donāt wanna read my stuff? itās suffocating, stagnating, and itās done me far more harm than good.
iām tired of being stressed because i havenāt produced Content TM in a while and therefore i feel as though iām becoming Irrelevant, even though thatās so stupid because this is haikyuu x reader tumblr. itās literally not that deep and yet i make it that deep all the fucking time. i know itās a me problem; i really, really do. i know nobody else is responsible for how i feel or how i interpret things. but i am just so tired of feeling like a failure, or feeling like i donāt deserve to have the friends i do because theyāre markedly more talented than me, of feeling like my writing will never amount to anything because my fanfiction doesnāt get popular. and if thatās my headspace, the kindest thing i can do for myself is remove myself from the environment thatās causing it.Ā
i know i have a series sitting unfinished, and iām really sorry about that. if i do decide to come back, i think iāll be taking a month-long break at least (or perhaps three weeks ā depends if i want to do anything for my birthday fdlkjfsdlk). iām still not sure if iāll still pop in to answer any potential asks or whatnot, but i wonāt be posting content for a while. i want to focus on my original work and remind myself why i love writing in the first place.Ā
i know this is all very dramatic (donāt worry, i am in therapy, although not for this specifically), but unfortunately iām the sort of person who takes many things far too seriously. iām not completely disappearing (iāll stay on discord ofc, so if weāre friends or youād like to reach out over there i am very receptive to that), and iāll probably keep posting on ao3 if the urge to write fanfiction grips me.Ā
but yeah. thanks for reading this if you got all the way through it, and thanks for giving my silly little blog a chance. take care of yourselves.Ā
hihi rowan iāve always been a silent reader but iāve always loved your writing, from tiny love and cause & effect, to little changes and the in-between. iāve always appreciated how your work was more plot driven and your (many) series always felt like an indulgent treat to me. from the gentle love with kuroo from the in-between, the angsty vice grip tiny love had on my heart when oikawa found out about the relationship, the wholeness i felt with atsumuās first āi love youā in the epilogue of little changes, to how romantic 10:20pm (akaashi keiji) was, & more, youāve always created such special moments that will i always think about.
that being said, your concerns and your views are valid. you arenāt being dramatic at all. please take all the time you need to step away from tumblr if you have to. if you do ever continue to post on ao3, i will gladly continue to read it all! (you could write something only using vowels and i would use all the energy in my tiny brainā¢ļø to decipher it, i could spend ages analyzing every little thing in your work (jin & yuki are no stranger to my ramblings)) at the end of the day though, it should be you who is satisfied with what youāve written. thank you for always writing such special pieces. i hope your break helps you feel a little bit more whole again and that you reignite that spark. please take care of yourself and to stay happy, healthy, & hydratedš
ps if you like cats please watch<3 (please watch even if you donāt like cats!)
SHUT UP IāM GONNA EAT MY ENTIRE FIST IāM GONNA DKFLJFLDKJFDLKJFDS IāM LYING FACE DOWN IN THE DIRT (as jin would say, OTL -- and as meg would say, *insert image of cat gnawing on exposed cords)Ā
and thank you :( i think........ the general consensus is that we shouldnāt take this sort of thing too seriously and i definitely agree, but then when you do end up feeling like this itās. hard to forgive yourself for that fdlkjfd but alas i am a sensitive person and I Care Too Much about things that i shouldnāt be so. hurt by!! part of me just misses the joy and excitement of writing a story because iām excited about it and because iām having fun; i feel like returning to that would do me a world of good :ā)Ā
HH AND STOP SOMEONE WRITTEN ENTIRELY IN VOWELS... someoneās probably written that poem tbh i wouldnāt be surprisedĀ
ALSO I LOVE CATS HIS MOTOR IS SO LOUD... AND HIS MEOW SO DELICATE AND HIS LIL MISSING EAR TIP IāM GONNA CRYĀ
i'm sorry that you feel this way about your writing. you're one of my favorite writers in the hq fandom, and i think your works are amazing! but what you feel is valid, especially since writing is something you want to pursue beyond fandom spaces. so please do what you think is best for you!
i also want to thank you for your contributions to the fandom, and giving us the privilege and opportunity to read your works and let us experience an alternate reality through them. ā„ļø
but i want to ask if you will be keeping this blog up? i actually reread your works from time to time :) but if not, i can understand that! :D
anyway, i wish you all the best. ily!! š
hello anon!! thank you so much :( i know that the only person holding me to these standards is myself and that i probably donāt have the most āobjectiveā perspective on my own writing. i donāt say i have an unrelenting expectations schema for nothing <3 FSLJKFDLKJD iām just gonna blame it on being put into a gifted stream as a kid (i am mostlyĀ joking)
but thank you so much for your kind words and for reading my work. i am very silly but iām earnest! iām doing my best!Ā
and yes, iām leaving the blog up! thereās a lot on it that i still cherish (and the lovely comments and asks people left), and i have no reason to delete it. but you can also bookmark my ao3 too, since thatās definitely gonna stay up.Ā
Hi Rowan! I saw your post about leaving Tumblr. I understand how you feel as well since I also write sfw and try to write with more substance too. I know I haven't interacted with you much, but if you want to keep in touch, I can share my discord. (I don't want it posted publicly lol.) I just thought it would be cool to have someone to talk to who is more serious about writing. (I'm not aiming to be a pro writer but I do like improving.) So yeah... Just throwing out that offer. :)
hello mimi dearest thank you for your message :( writing is hard but it can be so fulfilling and beautiful and cathartic and ugh. thereās just. so much good in it and itās very easy to forget that when on tumblr. and listen i love talking about writing with people i must come off as so obnoxious but at this point iāve just. accepted it you know? it is what it is.Ā
iād love to share discords!! you can either send in an ask i wonāt post or dm me @/rowann.Ā
