Poems From A Thousand Time Zones

I have lived so many lives

[kurtvonney19]

rope around my neck

worn like a bow

displayed and tight

tightened by my hands

strangling in my throat

raging like a murderer

hidden and violent

created by my mind

[kurtvonney19]

a claustrophobic chameleon

doesn’t know what color the walls are

as they close in around him

[kurtvonney19]

a shadow

a stain

my blood soaked past

the tireless efforts

to scrub myself clean [of you]

[sweatermuppet]

[shaking myself by the shoulders] i will get better. i will continue. i have no goddamn choice

[kurtvonney19]

my self doubt is the enemy

i am equipped with naught against it

no armor, no weapon

i bow my head, preparing for its familiar blow

the drip of blood

it does not fall

i am left unmarred, unscarred

how?

you.

my cliche

a “knight in shining armor”

but you are so much more

my Atlas, carrying my weight

my love it must be heavy

set my world down every once in a while

i can bare it

with you by my side

[kurtvonney19]

overthinker overthinker overthinker overthinker

how far can i bend you before you break?

doubter doubter doubter doubter

when will you tire of reassuring me?

killer killer killer killer

how long until i slaughter us?

mourner mourner mourner mourner

if i kill us, how long will you wear black?

[kurtvonney19]

“if i kill us, how long will you wear black?”

[kurtvonney19]

the feeling returns home // like an old dog // i greet him with a smile // finally, a sense of familiarity

he stays for a while // longer than usual

familiarity becomes a straight jacket // home becomes a prison

(i can’t remember where the door was)

my greeting becomes a scream // the old dog cowers // my smile falls away

the feeling returned home // he stayed // there is no door // he does not leave

the dog dies // who will join him first // the feeling // or me

[kurtvonney19]

self sacrifice

i scream at God

“what do you want from me?”

with tears streaming down my face

the salt my offering to Him

i have nothing left to give

[kurtvonney19]

you see my stranger

you undid my mask

and i covered myself in you instead

[kurtvonney19]

i live in my own peripheral vision

[kurtvonney19]

spiegel

and because someday

someone will ask me what my favorite piece of music is

and i will tell them

but until then

i will wait

for the person who asks the right questions

and who deserves the true answer

because to give up those answers

to someone who doesn’t know my soul

is a sin in and of itself

and because how

do i start to explain

that it’s a song from the movie

that helped show me what love is supposed to be

and let me love the world

and allowed me to see the light that it has to offer

how do i give that over to someone

how do i gasp out the title

knowing that i’m sharing my soul

im giving part of me over

the sixteen year old girl

who sat on the porch

at six in the morning

sobbing to the new day

as the sun peaked over the trees

and the birds woke up

and people got in their cars

and lives carried on

and no one saw the sobbing girl

expect for the piano and violin

and they played so sweetly

and made her feel less alone

in a world of isolation

for eight minutes

the world stood still

as that song played

and she sat

and realized how lucky she would always be

to breathe

to hear

to see

everyday

no matter what

because she was loved

and the piano and violin were playing

and she was loved

[kurtvonney19]

i was made to occupy my own space

not to be confined to grays and similarity

my eyes are meant to shine in natural light

my body was meant to dance in a living room

with plants and music surrounding my turns

i was made to host others in my space

not to be confined to a small room

my home is meant to be filled with books

and the love of my life

and paintings i’ve collected

and candles i want to smell

and cats that need petting

i was not made for uniformity

i was made to live in my own space

humans CRAVE making something their own

what other options do i have now?

i am saddened by my lack of creativity

in a world where i am meant to be a part of something bigger

but all i can imagine

is the day where i’ll be allowed to paint my kitchen green

and make tea in a kitchen big enough to slow dance in the natural light

[kurtvonney19]

someone should’ve told me

no one tells you what it’s like

when you grow up and start making decisions

trying to learn what the wrong and right ones are

no one tells you what it’s like

to be guided by your emotions

in an almost reckless manner

or about the people you’ll hurt

as you try and learn to love others

and yourself

no one tells you what it’s like

to learn what you’ll forgive in people

and what people won’t forgive in you

no one tells you what it’s like

to push everyone away

because it’s easier to be the enemy again

then to be loved in any capacity

oh the people you’ll hurt

no one tells you

my mother never warned me

about the pain i would cause

as i tried to navigate this world

where everyone seems to understand their role in the play but me

my actions feel guided by strings

i’m a puppet

i’m out of control

but why?

when did i give up control of my actions?

and for what reason?

why does the puppet jump around and perform?

who is it performing for?

who am i performing for?

[kurtvonney19]

“you built a personality around love and then you fell in love”

[kurtvonney19]

apocalypse

i have built bunkers for the ends of days

everywhere i’ve lived

in the hearts of all i’ve loved

preparing for a doomsday

you took the tools out of my hand

told me to stop building

that doomsday wasn’t coming

i was safe

i could build a home

i could rest

[kurtvonney19]

i want to love the way you love

to create a home

and to be able to call it home

and know that’s it’s mine and that i made it

and that i share it

with the people i choose to love

and be able to say i chose to love them

i carry you in everything i do

the way i take my tea

the way i speak

god i hope i never lose the parts of me that are you