pick yourself undone

This is a writing blog established on March 1st, 2014, for the dumps of fanfiction I am writing. Feel free to send me prompts of any kind! icon credit to sanghyuks & jennytaetae @ lj, respectively.

[kuugatsus]

to write list;

to the memories i run from: leo/hyuk; hyuk leaves the band and sends obnoxious messages to leo because he is emotionally attached to him

future's so bright, gotta wear shades: ken/hyuk; inspired by 5 centimetres per second, only difference is that ken aspires to be a singer and hyuk's future is too bright

ken/leo; prompt from forvixx

hakyeon/hongbin; a little more depth into the story of hongbin running away and hakyeon finding him

[kuugatsus]

for something to happen; leo/hyuk, drabble

a/n: i wish i could tell you what exactly this is but idk either all i do is that i was inspired by kotonoha no niwa.

They’re waiting for something to happen.

They sit on a bench, each on the other side. The place is covered with trees; there is green light only. It smells like it rained. There are trains passing by, and cars, muted from the leaves.

They sit there, two hours, three hours, until the green light turns orange and one leaves. And then, when the orange light disappears, the other leaves. It’s always like that. They never arranged that, yet it’s always like that. And to be honest, they never want it to change.

  He doesn’t know if he should just say something to the other. He steals a glance to him, with a sharp jawline and a sharper look, directed at something he can’t see. The green light suits him. He wonders if the other is a model.

Then he turns his gaze to the sight again. For the first time, he thinks that what he’s doing here is stupid, at the very back of his head. But all he can do is to wait.

  He hears the other talk, for the first time since three months.

“Not really.” He has a voice smothered in puberty, still deep though. There is a pause. “Hyung, I understand. But-“ a pause again. “No, hyung. Why shall I practice for something that is not decided yet? That’s idiotic.” The other sounds calm but the words sound angry. “What if not?” A pause again. He decides to steal a glance again, and this time, the other looks at him too. His eyes are young, and hard. They don’t soften. He assumes that it’s because of the conversation on the phone, but before he can actually confirm this, the younger’s eyes turn to a point far away again.

“I’m going to wait. Maybe study in a university. And then try again.” He lets out a laugh. “They accepted you. So they’re going to accept me, too.” He ends the call and looks at the other again.

His eyes seem to ask They’re going to, aren’t they?

  He waits for two things: for his injury to heal, and to be good enough to play football again. And he waits for the other boy, to get accepted. Although he would never say that out loud. (For now)

It’s been five months since someone cheered loudly Jung Taekwoon! Jung Taekwoon! on a match. It’s been five months since he sits here idly, instead of watching the others on their training. Because watching them reminds him of moments wasted away with injuries.

The non-existing memories of him playing hurt the most.

  The leaves become yellow, slowly, and the days get colder. And one day, the other’s gone. Taekwoon misses him because silence with him is different than the silence without him. The silence without the other is more suffocating and too much packed with his own memories. His own pain. He hears a faint Jung Taekwoon outside.

Life decides to tell him that he’s being pathetic when the other boy arrives, panting. He sits down, looks at the other (the silence changed, no, actually the silence vanished and got replaced by the pantings) and asks him a question, quietly.

“Do you know that feeling,” he says, “when you work very hard for something, but then something, just a small thing, ruins it all?”

Taekwoon remembers. It was a horrible foul. He hears the referee’s whistle loudly, but doesn’t see how the other gets the red card. He only hears because the world’s too bright for his eyes to open. The pain’s strong, and big, and everything he thinks and feels in that moment. He feels something cold a little while later, hands that put him on a stretcher, how the grass crunches with each step, the wind that blows against his ears.

He remembers, in a white room, with blends protecting from the sunlight, when the doctor tells him to make a pause, and how heavy those words are in the silence. How much heavier his nod is.

“Yes,” he replies and his voice carries those memories. “Yes. I do.”

The other nods. “What did you do against it?”

“Come here.”

A pause.

“We’re both waiting, aren’t we?”

“…Yeah.”

Taekwoon put his hands on the bench. Using his arms, he slided closer, and closer to the other. Which is weird because Taekwoon’s the last person who would initiate social contact. But the kid, the kid’s different. And the kid’s sliding, as well.

For the first time, they sit in the middle of the bench, eyes locked into each other.

“I’m Sanghyuk,” the younger breathes.

“Taekwoon,” he replies just as silent.

  They’re waiting for something to happen. But maybe, it already happened.

[kuugatsus]

memories are eternities; leo/hongbin, drabble

a/n: this goes to my three leo stan friends because yesterday was a truly beautiful leobin day.

It’s Taekwoon’s turn to leave a message to the members. He knows, he isn’t someone like Hakyeon who expresses his undying love for the members whenever he can, and he also knows that sometimes the other members feel like he dislikes them (like Sanghyuk or Jaehwan used to), that’s why he treasures occasions like these often. Even so, he can’t really voice the kind of feeling he has, deep in his heart, silent like a flower and as beautiful as the melody of an instrument. He wishes he could voice it. If love was a performance, Taekwoon would fail. If he thinks about it, the only members who’d manage to bring out a good and genuine tone anyways would be Wonshik and Hakyeon.

Right now, that doesn’t matter though. He has to speak to the members. So he does. He talks about how grateful he is for each one of them, uses formulas he’s always used because that’s like a singing technique you always choose when you sing. He realizes why some people can’t sing; it’s like Taekwoon expressing his gratitude.

He thinks of Hongbin, and seconds become memories, and memories become eternities. Eternities he’d like to spend with him. Even though Taekwoon always mentions Hakyeon and while yes, he’s grateful for Hakyeon’s presence, it’s nothing compared to Hongbin, who doesn’t try to fill the already full silence, who isn’t bothering him like Jaehwan does sometimes (all the time), and who isn’t afraid of him like Sanghyuk is. Yes, Wonshik is a lot like that too, but Wonshik’s also pretty loud – loudly speaking loudly rapping loudly laughing, even his silence is so loud – while the only thing that’s loud on Hongbin is the laughter (which Taekwoon has never seen as that loud, if he’s honest with himself.)

(Or, if Taekwoon is honest with himself, Hongbin is his favourite dongsaeng, by far. Sometimes, you don’t need a reason to like someone. You just do. And Taekwoon – Taekwoon does.)

He thinks of Hongbin and about how beautiful he behaves towards Taekwoon and the words start growing in his chest, like big roses, making him unable to speak or to breathe. He isn’t even able to form a coherent thought from those emotions, simply thinking, Thank you, Hongbin.

Thank you for making me feel what love is, Hongbin.

Those words are hidden in all those roses inside his chest, stinging a little like thorns do. For now, Taekwoon doesn’t mind. For now. When now becomes an eternity, Taekwoon will never mind. But idolism is consisting of now, only looking at what is now. Sometimes, when netizens are in the mood to, they dig up the past too, but the now is the most important. If you’re now not better than you were yesterday, you are done for. If you weren’t warmer than yesterday, they will give you an image you don’t want to. If you don’t talk more than yesterday, they will start with misconceptions. It’s all about now, and now is forever.

(Sometimes Taekwoon wants to quit the idolism, because it isn’t for him. Because idolism isn’t just singing. He doesn’t like it much, either. But then he thinks about how less Hongbin wants it and the times he is smiling, genuinely smiling, whenever he sees his hyungs and Sanghyuk and his fans,  and how much he works despite having an already safe image, and he tells himself to move on.

Sometimes he looks at Hongbin and sees a sun, not a star. They say the sun is a star but it’s so much more, so much more beautiful and burning and hurting itself with little explosions and leaving scars on itself and still radiating brightly, even brighter than yesterday.)

  He leaves the room, how, he doesn’t know, but he sees Hongbin (and it’s his turn), and Hongbin gives him a soft smile, one without dimples. Taekwoon’s chest hurts now from the amount of flowers. He can’t say anything, so all he does is putting (pressing) his hand on his shoulder. Hongbin looks at him, eyes as warm as ever, and they say thank you.

Seconds turn to memories and memories turn to eternities. If now is an eternity, Taekwoon wants to be in it as long as he can (forever). With Hongbin.

[kuugatsus]

revenge as sweet as honey; hongbin-centric, drabble

a/n: this is inspired by Beatles Code 3D.

The MCs ask if he likes to show his abs. He laughs a little – there is no trace of the awkwardness he used to have, but he still does it automatically. It’s part of what people know (and love? He barely doubts the latter) from him. So he laughs. Not like he can do anything about this anyway. He wish he could talk about the group, like he does in magazine interviews, let his thoughts flow like a river quietly streaming.

(Then again, those magazine shoots are here for his visuals in the first place, not for his thoughts. Magazine interviews aren’t a place for his thoughts. They just hold his visuals, like a Dorian Gray who gets pictured over and over and over again.)

All they ever want are his abs and his dimples. Nothing else. In a positive way, the way Hakyeon told him over and over and over again, his presence is enough and that is beautiful and he has a nice aura, like flowers have in a cold room. Flowers don’t talk. Flowers don’t think. Flowers are pretty until their prettiness fades away, but then they get exchanged by new, fresh ones. He is a flower. Some could argue that he’s a rose, some could say that he’s more like a lily, more distinct with the fragrance, but he doesn’t want to know the details too much. Roses and lilies are flowers, and he is a flower, a fresh pretty flower in its blooming state. He will peak, and fade away. Off to oblivion.

In a negative (realistic) way, it proves once again why Hongbin originally hadn’t wanted to become an idol in the first place, why he simply smiled kindly whenever he got yet again one of those company cards when he was strolling with his sisters downtown, the girls smiling and saying that he’s going to be big soon, with billboards that will be filled with his face, shops with songs he sung, people with topics about behavior he will not remember anymore. Hongbin had a reason not to want this. It was… too much. If it were just singing, just playing an instrument, that’d be fine. But no, the idol industry mostly (only) looked at the visuals. Even Jaehwan who has a voice as sweet as sugar constantly gets criticized for his nose.  They make fun of Hakyeon because of his skin.  Unless you were an idol like Leo (which never happens) you get criticized of all things on your body. (Now that Hongbin thinks about it, Leo is made fun of his thighs. Seriously, he never bothered to look at them, even though he is with his hyung 24 hours a day.)

He stands up, tells himself, it’s okay, it is (lies he learnt himself to believe, one by one) and pulls his shirt up. Rainbox Blaxx sunbaenim’s look tells that his abs achieved the effect he (they) hoped for. His other members acknowledge it and the MCs have a look that tells that they are looking for something to tease on. The “oohhh” is fake, so fake, Hongbin knows and he is so angry because they asked for it, but what in the idol world is real, anyways? He isn’t even sure anymore if he is real, too. (Sometimes he watches himself in the mirror and doesn’t understand his hype people make about his looks but then again, he doesn’t think he has much talents to show either. Camera shooting? L sunbaenim pioneered in that. Singing? They have Ken and Leo hyungs for this. There is only abs showing left. Without them, he would be like Hyuk. Not like he minds, at all.

Sometimes, when they return from the shooting to their dorms and Sanghyuk looks out of the window, Hongbin wants to comfort him and tell him that it’s okay to be like this because he is, too, but he isn’t sure how Sanghyuk would react to that.)

Mir sunbaenim tells then how much Hongbin’s hands trembled when he revealed them and he was sure that they didn’t but he can’t say anything and that pisses him off so much. I hate you I hate you I hate you he curses and starts laughing to some joke because he’s supposed to. Inside him, the manic part of him, the part that he let out in Voodoo Doll, starts laughing as well. He isn’t sure if he loses himself now into oblivion, but right now, he doesn’t care.

I hate you.