“all over campus, huh?” eden repeats, turning his head upwards, looking up at the boy with his usual smile—unreadable, no hint of his uncontrollable emotions seeping out, a thin line that only cory can decipher. “if you’re the one looking for me, then it’s only natural that you’ll find me,” he states as if he had spoken an absolute truth. in a way, he has. regardless of how far apart they’ve become, how much further they may stray—cory will always be able to find him.
( he used to think cory will always come back to him, too. )
eden lifts his shoulders in a shrug, kicking his legs forward, stretching them across the grass. “i try to make time. breaks are good for you. somewhere in your schedule, you should fit them in.” it’s almost instinct for him to say all this, like a mantra that’s ingrained into his tongue. but eden stops himself, because cory doesn’t need eden to tell him this anymore. cory made that clear last time; the distance between the two of them had grown because eden didn’t know his place, which he now recognizes is away from cory.
falling back into conversation with cory isn’t challenging in the slightest. is it the side effects of planted habits? it’s impossible for them to erase the history they shared, in the end. eden doesn’t bother to snuff out the laughter that bubbles from his throat, the corners of his lips twitching. he follows it up with a few mong mongs, simply agreeing with cory in that regard. “you’re right, i never bite. just like how no matter how hard you glare at me like a cat would, you’ve never once scratched me.”
with one sharp intake of breath, eden finally mutters out, “you can loiter with me. for a little bit.” a shot in the dark—and if this doesn’t work, then he will never dare try again. “care to keep this puppy company?” he masks his desperate plea with another teasing glint and a mischievous grin. this is his last attempt.
toss the coin into the air—head or tails? life or death?
does he still know cory like the back of his hand?
sometimes cory feels like he’s been caught in the undertow of the ocean. he thinks meeting eden was just constantly taking steps closer to the water until eventually his feet were sinking into wet sand. the waves splash on his ankles, taunting him. beckoning him into the chilled and unknown waters. something he has never likes. the uncertainty that the ocean brings. it’s uncontrollable, violent and yet comforting at the same time. the ocean moves to its own rhythm and cory knows he would never be able to control it. he knows that if he continues taking these steps eventually he would be dragged in, unable to escape.
he knows this, and yet he continued walked. he continued chasing after that uncontrollable storm that waits beyond the shoreline. his hand always reaching out for something that has felt so unattainable.
and that’s sort of what eden has always been for him. unattainable, uncontrollable, unpredictable. no matter how much cory claims to know the other boy, he also knows he’s only lying to himself. he knows eden, but he also doesn’t know him. just like he believes he knows what the ocean has instore for him and every time he ends up surprised. for cory, eden is the ocean. beautiful, vast, full of mystery, a source of comfort but also a cause of fear. he looks at eden and he feels the uncertainty bubble in his chest. he’s but one small intruder on the edge of a vast body of water. how has eden even noticed him?
maybe it’s not fair of him to compare eden to an ocean and to compare himself to a single fish. maybe he’s undermining himself, maybe he’s putting eden on too high of a pedestal. but that doesn’t change the feelings that cory has in him. the crushing worry that every time he opens his mouth he is making more of a mess of it all. sometimes he wishes they could go back and erase everything that happened in high school. to just be friends and continue being friends without the added stress. he wonders if maybe they just aren’t meant to be more. if maybe he’s mistaken the feelings that lie hidden in his chest.
he won’t voice them. not today, not tomorrow. it’s better this way, he tells himself. his eyes watching the way eden so naturally relaxes on the grass. the way he falls into teasing cory as if it was second nature. as if cory was the only one effected by the history between them. maybe he is. maybe he’s made a mountain out of an ant hill and all his worries are just one sided. maybe eden has always just seen them as friends or just teammates. if they didn’t have baseball would they even talk anymore? would eden want to? maybe cory should have let someone else come find him? of course, he knows that as catcher it’s his job to look after the pitcher. and maybe thats not fair for eden.
is he over thinking things again? maybe. its what he does, he always has over thought everything. letting something settle so heavily into his brain until he’s gained a headache and a bad mood. is this another case of just over thinking? he thinks it might be but that doesn’t shut off the spinning wheel in his mind. the sound of waves crashes so loudly through his thought processes. he can’t shut them off.
“only natural.” he repeats under his breath, incredulous but amused in a way. it’s such an eden thing to say. he cause it so easily. it further proves to cory that he’s the only one who has this turmoil stirring up a mess in his mind. and his heart. but as he hears edens voice he finds himself calming down. the waves settling until they’re an even roll. a reminder of the storm but letting him know for now it has passed. eden has always had this effect on him. making cory feel at ease no matter what they are doing or what he is stressing over. “i’ll always find you.”
because he will, he has. eden is someone he will always be able to find and always want to find. no matter how much he fights with himself over this. no matter that he thinks eden would be better off with out him. he can’t stop himself from being pulled to that shoreline once again.
a sigh builds and falls from his lips, his tense stance relaxing a little as his hands go to his hips. “i fit time in my schedule for important things.” he replies with out any heat in his voice. so use to the way eden will nag him about his packed schedule. use to the way that eden tries to look after him. for most of his life he took that for granted, for most of his life he has tried to get eden to stop. as if they both arent the same. both trying to take care of the other. and maybe thats another issue. maybe cory needs to learn how to let people take care of him.
there’s a pain that forms in his chest though he hides his reaction. his eyes watching the way eden speaks. the cute way he pretends to be a puppy. the way his expression changes as he teases cory--and yes, he noticed the teasing. he would notice anything if its eden. the one person he claims to know well. he thinks he might know eden better than he knows himself though he would never admit to that. a laugh leaves him before he can stop it because though its not surprising that eden would mong mong it’s still a funny thing to see. his heart doing a little flip despite his best to squash any of the fondness that bubbles in him. “i thought we moved past the comparing me to a cat thing? you are a puppy, but i still don’t agree that i’m anything like a cat.” he argues, playful. teasing. an age old bickering match that has been going on for a while. even though cory has sort of accepted his cat nature.
the offer to join him is thrown out again. cory watches eden. a moment passes between them as he wars with himself. the decision between being responsible and dragging eden to the baseball field, or giving in.
what does it mean if he gives in? what is he accepting if he chooses to sit? is he over thinking this again? after all, friends sit on the grass together all the time. and eden isn’t wrong, they have a little time before they really need to be at the field. what harm could come from loitering with him for a moment.
his heart burns, and the waves crash through his mind but he feels himself nod. he feels the exasperated sigh leave his lips as he crosses the distance between them. closing that space he had left. “alright, fine. but only for a moment.” he agrees, settling himself on the grass beside eden. body tense, legs crossed, but slowly he stretches out, slowly he gives into the relaxation. “you’re such a needy puppy, you know that right?” he teases once settled.
