Horoscopes By Gil Hizon - Week of May 9-15, 2016
I’ll have what that bitch is having.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You just couldn’t keep it simple, can you? I get the enthusiasm part of your PowerPoint. I do, sweetie. As a matter of fact, kudos on that shit. But it would really help your case if you could whittle your presentation down to the basic shit, with sheer focus on what will make this idea work. The fact that you know your plan will succeed is enough to convince others of the same thing. They don’t have time for extraneous frilly shit!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
Mercury’s taking some time off, honey, which means relying on your communication skills will only lead to confusion and disaster for errbody involved. This is really the time for you to hone and sharpen your message before you put it out there for errbody to see. It’s gonna be quite an exercise for you, ‘coz you like to flap that jaw like no one’s business. The good news is that now you can use your mouth for other bigger things.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Communication is fucked up this week, dahling. Nobody knows what they want. Or they think they do but these bitches really don’t have a fucking clue. I know that you’re feeling very kumbayah this week and want to fruitify your current partnerships, but yo man, yo BFF nor that dry cleaning lady you like to gossip with may not be on the same page as you. Pick another week to intensify your relayshes.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
It’s difficult to deal with an intense bitch. Sometimes you wish that she would just chill the fuck down, because she’s more fun that way. When she gets down to business it grinds your relaysh into a halt, and it’s awkward for both parties. Although now’s not the time to sit her ass down and give her a talking-to realness, it’s enough that you are able to expect this behavior from hurr, so you can adjust your reactions.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Thinking big is not your forte (unless it’s Saturday night–Sunday morning at 2 a.m. and you’re feeling “restless”), especially when it comes to your goals. You are so into minutiae that when something goes wrong, you immediately think that the end game is fucked. Your future is fucking bright, gurl, and what makes your journey precious is that it involves pitfalls and triumphs. So chill the fuck out.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Oh, bitch. It’s great to be filled to the brim with inspiration, but if all you got in your pool is all these inspiration floaties, you ain’t gonna get nowhere. What chu need to be doing now is to pick an idea that’s nearest and dearest to your heart of hearts, and focus your brain power into carrying it through the threshold of reality. You can do this without the fear that the other projects will float off into the sunset – so stop worrying.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
This week is a quick reminder that no matter how many people you employ to do your shit, at the end of the day, you are the captain of your fucking ship. You’ve never been one to rely on others unless they have proven track records but this week, especially, you have to be really gung ho about being the fucking queen of your shit. Don’t tolerate any form of diversion from these messed up hos and remember not to leave any stone unturned.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
When a person from your past rears his cute head this week, your mind will be taken back into a world free of cares and worries; an era of delights, frolicking and fornicating. And I’m here to tell you that if you get sucked in that mindspace, you will need to fucking snap out of it. There are crucial, immediate concerns you must attend to, and besides, didn’t that fantasy fall off the cliff after week three?
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
There’s a sea bitch who’s out to get you this week (it’s probably one of the water signs). She will prey on your feelings at a time when you actually have a bit more than usual. Don’t let her shit turn you off the compassion route – you’ve been doing so well in that department. Unpredictability – although not your forte but it’s doable – will be your ally this week. So don’t be afraid to go whackadoodle with it – that shit will throw off those negative queens!
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
With the unexpectedness of events lately, you must do a little bit of soul searching. You’ve been so bogged up in recent shitshows, that you are neglecting the things that have the ability to enrich your soul (remember her?). In spite of all the shittiness of situations, you really do have the capability to achieve a certain balance in your immediate world. So don’t fuck it up.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Metamorphosis can be an amazing bitch. For you, that means that a shit-uation you’ve been worrying about has changed into something a bit more tangible and easier to manipulate. But as you hold the reins of your future, remember that others have the ability to adapt to any changes you make as well. Being careful about what you’re maneuvering in your corner can only work to your advantage.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
There is a unity between your emotions and intentions, and that’s a great thing, bitch. You’re like Captain Planet up in that hizzy, and not only do you look sickening, you also have the power to convince people to adhere to your cause. Bitches who may have been resistant to yo ass are now easier to convince, so take advantage of this opportunity. Only for a limited time, gurl!
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shit show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!
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