Potato Boy

My name is Kyle I am 18

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Meet Enzo, she is what keeps me going :)

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If I could tell body dyshoria one thing I would tell it to FUCK OFF!

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I just want to die

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I just can't get up

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You know that feeling when you just feel numb to everything around you.... Yeah that has been all of today for me.

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Hella Dysphoric

Okay, so I just woke up this morning really, really dysporic. It's worse than usual. I can maintain a solid act in front of my mom, but I'm gonna be with her all day, and I don't know if I can last all day... I'm crossing my fingers that it lets up a little... Anyways I did do something for the first time, but it did help me feel a little bit better. I sock packed. I've never done it before and I was afraid to even do it cause I didn't want my mom to notice... But at this point I'm so dyphoric right now, that I needed to do something new, but wearing a binder has not been alleviating my body dyshoria... It did for a while (it helped, not completely erasing it), but as of late, I've been getting minor panic attacks every time I look into the mirror and all the clothing on my body feel like too much... Like they are molding on the wrong way... I also almost got caught yesterday... I have a habit when everytime my mom says she, I mumble he under my breath and she asked what I said... That was scary... I'm so afraid to tell her... She just calls me brainwashed all the time... Only a little while longer till I'm 18. I can do this!!

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Thanksgiving break is great and all, but it would be better if I didn't have ten pounds of homework to do.

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Cats and Money

Okay, so I can't speak for anyone else, but I am 17 and without a job. It's not that I am a lazy piece of shit, but in order for me to get a job I have to learn to drive. That's another story for another day, all that's needs to be said is I have extreme anxiety in the car. Anyways, I have a side job just for a week but I am making some cash so it's okay. I get to take care of my friends cats. I love her cats soo much. Also, she gave me a gay key to her house,so even better. Although, I am jealous she is going up to Florida while I am stuck in the cold, but it's okay. I get to spend time at her house and play with cats and get money. I am not complaining.

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I don’t know if you guys know, but I really dislike physics… It is impossible for me to grasp!!!

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Guys get yourself a friend who is always there for you, or just sends you random messages that just make you so much happier!!! At this point I have one friend, but I am okay with that. As long as they are alive then I'll stay alive too!!! If not for me then I'll stay for them and the hope they give me!!!

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He/Him

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Getting Blood Drawn

Okay so yesterday ,Friday November 16, I had a face appointment cause I have a lot acne. So My mom and I go to the appointment yada yada yada… They give me the stuff I need to tame my acne a little bit. So it is fifteen minuets past two and my mom is says we have a little bit of time, why don't we go to the office and see if we can schedule your appointment for your blood work. So I said okay. We drive to the office and we have a conversation about the blood work I'm getting done. Apparently the doctors think that my hormones are out of whack, so they want to see if they can fix it or something. Now hormones and me are not good friends,the hormones that my body produces naturally. So when my mom brings up birth control I kinda change the topic completely because birth control has estrogen in it and that is the last thing I really want in my body. I have a feeling if I take birth control I will feel ten times more dysphoric and dysphoria sucks, body and gender dysphoria really suck and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. We get the office finally after an awkward silence. In the office my mom is talking to the people and she asks if I have to fast for this. They say no only the cholesterol one. They also say (calls me wrong pronoun) can have the blood work done now if they want. Now my mom and this lady are using wrong pronouns for me (Not that my mom knows that I am trans... I'm still in the closet. I can't blame her, but still...), and I have to get blood drawn. I had no time to prepare myself. I'm wearing a sports braw, a binder and two sweatshirts... I am getting ridiculously hot and on the verge of a panic attack. My mom is just laughing at me. I have gotten pretty good at shutting down my panic attacks so I take a sweatshirt off and tell her I am getting hot. Then my deadname is called. So we walk in a room with a chair. I sit in it and they draw my blood. When that needle was in my skin I couldn't breath and I almost had a major panic attack... I did stop myself so I feel sort of proud. My arm was also hella sore after that. Now I am terrified that when the results come back they are going to stick me on birth control. I don't think I can do that... I already have so much dysphoria that I do bad things... So that means if they say my hormones are out of whack I will have no choice but to come out... but my mom doesn't really seem to like the thought that I am trans. She has been trying to get me to wear more "Female" clothing and has been trying to get my hair to grow out to be long. So I am afraid... I don't want her to hate me or kick me out of the house. She is pretty much the only family I have left. Everything is stressful right now...

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Why?

Okay so I am not new to tumblr or anything. I started an account when I was in 6th grade and all I really did was reblog everyone else’s posts. Then I got bored with tumblr and dropped till now!!! I am senior in high school dealing with a lot of college deadlines, but everyone deals with those... 

No I made this Tumblr cause for my entire high school experience I have had terrible metal health and I thought If I had a place where I can post my problems and just document my life then it would be better then tearing myself apart... 

So yeah I made this for my mental health... 

Hopefully this helps and doesn't make anything worse