Something I think about constantly is this one time when I was 8 and I was staying with my dad and he took me to a blockbuster and told me to pick out a movie for us to watch. He probably thought itd be a good bonding experience or something and he didnt know or care to know anything about me so he didnt know what movie I would want. And so I come back with Pokemon the 3rd movie bc I hadnt seen it since it first came out and I loved pokemon and my mom and I always watched the movies and my dad must know I like Pokemon because I came with my gameboy advance and Bulbasaur stuffed animal and he said "Isn't that for little kids? Don't you want to watch something cooler?"
And so I put it back and picked out something I thought he would like instead.
And he smiled, saying he's glad I was honest about what I really wanted to watch and took it to the register and I hated every second of that movie when we watched it back at his place. Then when he asked me what I thought of it I just said it was fine and went to bed. The rest of my trip from then on I altered my behavior. Don't show any wants or thoughts. He doesnt care. He views you as a child. A baby. And nobody wants to talk to a baby. Everyone the whole trip said I was so mature and so well behaved and asked if I was having fun being a big girl and traveling and I lied and smiled and then went to bed early every day the second we got back to his house.
When I got home a few weeks later, my grandpa welcomed me home with my mom and said he had a surprise for me, he was just waiting for me to get back. They thought I seemed a little quiet but that maybe "this" would cheer me up. He brought me upstairs to the computer room and popped in a dvd of Pokemon 4ever, excitedly telling me how he saw it at the store when I was gone and couldn't wait to show me it.
And I cried.
My mom and he were so confused, because I was inconsolable. I wouldnt stop crying and they eventually had to carry me downstairs as I clinged to my grandpa's arms.
When I tell you this moment still haunts me to this day, that I still feel a little flare of shame whenever people see my room and see I still have stuffed animals or hear that I still play pokemon. When I tell you that kids carry that shame throughout their entire lives, the shame of being made fun of for their interests and passions because it's kiddy or weird or niche. When I tell you it stays. It sticks. And even with a supportive family, one-off comments from someone they don't even care about anymore will still play in the back of their mind whenever they boot up a game at 30 years old to relax because they think they should be more adult by now. They should have left this childishness behind. When I say that a kid will be shaped by the adults in their life, both good and bad.
When I say I think about this moment constantly.
I mean it.
