PCOS TTC

Diagnosed with PCOS & TTC

[ladyconley]

A Greater Love

"How can I love a person so much that doesn't even exist?"

This is the question I asked myself at 3:30 this morning.

I never truly understood the love a mother has for her children until the wee hours of the morning this morning. I woke up crying from a nightmare and my husband was there to comfort me. My nightmare lead me to gushing my feelings about conceiving a child and the possibility of fostering a child if we couldn't conceive.

I went to the doctors office yesterday to get my medicine and my menstrual cycle regulated. My husband went with me. I explained to him what the doctor told me. He then proceeded to talk about fostering or adoption. To me, if seemed as if he was giving up on trying to conceive a baby. The thought of that killed me.

Back to 3:30am. My husband said he would worry about my health during and after pregnancy. I told him that I wouldn't be worried about myself, I'd be worried about the baby. That a child would be the most important thing in the world to me. At that very moment... it HIT ME! A mothers love is beyond great. I haven't ever conceived a child, but I felt a love for a nonexistent child at 3:30 in the morning.

A mothers love is a greater love. ❤️

“We love because he first loved us.”

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/bible/111/1jn.4.19.niv

[ladyconley]

When Sadness Creeps In

As a Christian, I know it can be hard to stay happy and cheerful all the time. As a PCOS sufferer, I know it can be hard to be happy and cheerful at all.

Look at Job, he lost his children, his crops, his cattle, his friends, even his own wife told him to curse God and die. He was plagued with sickness and tormented... but he NEVER lost faith or gave up hope in God. {the book of Job - Bible}

Today, even though I was surrounded by family at a cousin's household shower, I felt lost in a sea of people. While publicly I was hosting a party, secretly I was wallowing in self pity and didn't feel well. I didn't want to be around anyone. I wanted to be alone, I didn't even want to be around my husband. BUT, when I'm alone... mistress sadness creeps up on you.

Today I felt sadness creep in. When I was finally alone. She quietly used my own body to her advantage. She waited until I was vulnerable. My body has confused and irritated me for the past few weeks. New medicines, waiting, side effects, phone calls to the doctor. My mind is weak from worry. (Will this medicine work? What are the side effects? My cycle should start when and last how long? How long will it take to conceive? Will it even work??)

My PCOS gets the best of me some days. I feel alone and feel as if my body fails me. I feel like my body is a prison and I'm stuck in it doing a life sentence. I watch all my friends and family have children of their own through invisible iron bars that only I can see. Even though I have an amazing, loving husband that wants to help me and tried to comfort me, he will never truly understand the torture and mental anguish I put myself through worrying over my failing body.

I never knew why my body was different from every other female body. I never menstruated. EVER. I gained weight much too easily. I had mood swings and depression, even though I brushed it off as being a typical teenager.

However... I will fight sadness whenever she shows her ugly face to me. I will keep telling my husband, my best friend, how I feel. I will keep holding my head up high. I will tell my story hoping that it helps some lonely girl that feels she is in that same tiny prison.

My advice to anyone struggling, and even to myself is : DON'T GIVE UP

[ladyconley]

I'm never giving up hope. #pcos #ttc