When my agent told me he'd gotten me a chance to record with Agust D aka Suga from BTS I wasn't exactly thrilled. I haven't been in this business very long, and I didn't want to meet my bias feeling like a wannabe. I wanted to meet him, I have even before I got a record deal, but I wanted to meet him as his equal, not some no-hoper who's music would only get noticed because of him. I guess I should explain. I'm a hip hop/r&b singer/rapper/songwriter. My debut album came out last summer and it was the hardest work of my entire life. I have toured tiny gigs, hauled my CD's from my agents car trunk into clubs, done more paperwork and sat in more meetings than I ever did as a secretary, an assistants assistant. If you're imagining some glamorous lifestyle you'd be wry wrong. I've been told I'm too fat to be a star, too ugly and that I should have a host of plastic surgery procedures if I want to make it as an idol. Okay, I might not be Barbie but I'm not ugly or fat! I refused to be turned into one of those "aegyo" Kpop girls who don't seem to stand for anything other than sickly sweet lyrics and cutesy dance moves. My music is about real issues, not whether or not my boyfriend is hot, or if the cute high schooler has a crush on me. Sorry, this is my personal pet hate! As soon as I released the debut album I had to get started writing for the next one. There's no let up in this game, and if I want to stay true to my ethos I'm not going to sing something written by someone else that's just going to sell. When my agent heard my first new song for the next album it was his big idea to call up BigHit and arrange a deal. I have no idea how he swung it, maybe he had an in or is blackmailing someone, anyway, he did it all behind my back and then dropped the news on me like a ton of bricks. At first I was angry, my agent could tell I wasn't happy. "Look, this newest song is perfect for a duet with Min Yoongi! You told me he was a big inspiration for you when we first met, so of course I pounced on the song to get you a chance to record with him. I thought you'd be pleased, isn't he the reason you started writing songs in the first place?" He said, as he leaned on his desk heavily, "I've stuck my neck out for you, I called in a very big favor to get you this opportunity. Be a good girl and do what your told!" I hate it when he does the "I-know-better-than-you" schtick, and worst of it, he does! So I sighed but on a fake smile and crossed my arms so he'd know I was faking it. "This is going to be a big break for you!" He said. "So is Min Yoongi being told to suck it up too?" I grumbled. "He's been given your debut album, and asked if he'd like to record with you," he said, he was talking to me as if I were his bratty teenage daughter at this point. God, I hate that, it did nothing to lighten my mood, but I reminded myself that I was basically a bottom feeder at this point and if I didn't take this chance I might never get to record with Yoongi again. "Sorry," I said, trying to lighten up, "I just wanted to be a super cool idol when I met my idol and not just a pathetic little wannabe who's riding his coat tails!" "Hey, you mightn't be an idol yet, but you are not a wannabe. You've got talent! You are going places, do you think I'd be representing you if you weren't?" He said encouragingly. "Thanks!" I said smiling bravely. So that's how I ended up sitting in my tiny flat having fan girl nerves at 4 in the morning. Apparently Yoongi had liked my album and thought I was talented, he'd been given the lyrics and he'd liked those too. He'd agreed to record with me. The second I heard that I felt my heart beat so hard I thought I might be having a heart attack. My knees nearly dropped out from underneath me, and I'm just grateful I was home and no one was there to see me change to the color of oatmeal. Then after I put the phone down and my legs had decided to support me again, I ran around my apartment screaming like the true fan girl I am! I didn't sleep the night before I was due to go to the recording studio. I didn't know what I should wear, I spent the night picking out clothes and outfits and then throwing them on the floor and starting again. By the time my agent rang my doorbell I was crumpled in a heap, asleep on the clothes I'd rejected as trying to hard. I opened the door with bleary eyes and he marched in, saw me, smiled knowingly went straight into my bedroom picked up a white t shirt and some black skinny jeans and packed me off to the bathroom to shower while he made me coffee and breakfast, which he basically forced me to eat and then drove me to the studio. I was so nervous I don't know how I didn't throw up in the car, I kept looking at my agent like a scared rabbit. Maybe I could back out? Maybe I could do it another day? Maybe I would have a heart attack in the car and I'd die before I had to make a complete and total fool of myself in front of the one person I so desperately wanted to impress? But then we pulled up in front of the recording studio and my agent made me get out of the car, i hadn't died, we weren't going to do it another day and I couldn't back out. Seriously! How I even managed to walk into that recording place, my legs were like jelly, is a complete mystery! We sat in the waiting room until Min Yoongi had arrived with his handler and his representation. I gulped constantly for like 5 minutes while we waited, apparently my agent had arrived early in case he'd had to drag me inside. The receptionist asked me if I needed a glass of water because I was gulping so much, but I shook my head, I was sure if I drank or ate anything I was going to vomit all over Yoongi. "Are we late?" Asked Yoongi's handler. "No, not at all, we were just a little to eager to be able to do this," said my agent smoothly, "let me introduce my client." He said as I stood up on my jelly legs, and took a step towards my agent, Min Yoongi and his people. We shook hands and he actually half smiled at me, could he tell I was dying of nerves and resisting the urge to fan girl at high pitch? "So, let's get a coffee," said the handler, "then the talent can talk about how they want to create?!" He lead us all into a coffee room with an industrial looking espresso machine on one side with some tables and two soft looking sofas down the other end around a coffee table, Yoongi made his way to the sofas and I looked over my shoulder at my agent who nodded at me like he was my dad not my agent, I was secretly grateful, I was pretty much, and sorry but, shitting bricks with nerves and fear. "I really liked your album, you've got some serious talent and that shit is ballsy, like Jessi ballsy!" Said Yoongi as I sat down on one of the sofas. I gulped again, "Thanks!" I said my voice rough like I'd swallowed gravel before I opened my mouth, "that really means a lot coming from someone who is as talented as you!" He looked over his shoulder and his handler came running over, "What can I get you creatives to drink?" The handler asked us. Yoongi looked at me as if I should order first. My hands were still shaking, and I was desperate for caffeine hoping it would help with my nerves. "Cappuccino, double shot of espresso no sugar, thanks," I said after I'd cleared my throat. The handler nodded and looked at Yoongi, "That sounds good, make me one too!" He replied the half smile back. When we were "alone" again he spoke again, "Thank god, I thought you were going to be a sickly sweet fangirl! I only came to see if this wasn't some manufactured rebel shit, but a woman who drinks coffee like that must mean business!" "Thanks," I said, "I do, but I'll be honest, I was proper fangirl-ing from the early hours before my agent came to pick me up." He smiled again, I couldn't help but smile back. His hair scruffy and his dark eyes filled respect, this guy, my idol, the guy who I had dreamed about working with, the guy I'd had a huge crush on since their debut respected me, and was treating me like a creative equal and not like the total wannabe I felt I was. We spent hours figuring out how we could work best together. How his style could be incorporated into my song to best showcase our work. It was the best creative meeting I've ever had, and sure I haven't had that many, but I will always use it as a benchmark for any others. We spent so much time drinking coffee and planning out how it would work we didn't actually record anything that day. Okay, so now you're probably really confused, thinking that the magic fairies were recording all the music. But I am a new artist and my music is mine so I am involved in finding musicians, I write all my music and play piano so pretty much all my music starts from a piano base. When I get into a recording studio I spend all my time those first few weeks and month laying down beats from drummers and melodies from guitarists and stuff like that. So my producer had at his point hired all the musicians that I'd auditioned, basically guitarists, pianists, violinists, sometimes a bass player or trumpet player, it kind of depends on what style I'm trying to achieve. So when me and Yoongi met for the first time all that was still to do and I was quite impressed that he wanted to be involved in that bit too. He came into the studio every day after that, we'd sit at the mixing desk and lay down bass and beats, I'd give direction but he would give suggestions about things and I of course listened, the guy is a freaking music genius! We'd spark of each other and before too long we had the music down and we're thinking about the rap and singing. After each day I'd come home with a sort of glow inside me, I was tired, exhausted actually but I spent every evening smiling to myself. Then I'd go to bed and smile as I thought how great the day had been, or how smart and kind Yoongi was. He tells you straight but he's not mean, he's just honest sometimes brutally so. He's so sincere, after the year I'd had it was refreshing not to be BS'd all the time. Then there was the night I dreamed he kissed me, I woke up slowly and so happy but when I remembered my dream, I sat bolt upright. Look, I've said, I'm a fangirl, I've had a crush on Suga for a long time, so sure I've daydreamed plenty that I was kissing the cherubic Yoongi but after meeting him I'd stopped doing that and I'd certainly not dreamt about him for weeks, not since hearing he'd be recording with me. So when I woke up and realized I'd be dreaming we were kissing, I won't explain how far we'd got before I woke up, pleasant as it was and believe me it was, I felt guilty. It felt like I was somehow not treating him like a person, like I was treating him like an idol on a poster. When I got to the studio that day I couldn't shake that tingling feeling from my dream, every time I looked at Yoongi I felt myself starting to blush. Seeing him just brought back the dream image and the sensation of his kiss and it made me nervous, as nervous as the first day we'd met. "Are you alright?" He asked me when we sat on the sofas in the coffee room eating lunch. I composed myself and made myself look at his sweet face. "I'm fine," I said as calmly as I could manage, the blush was growing, I could feel my cheeks get hot as I tried desperately not to remember the dream sensation of his mouth on mine. I gulped, "I... I had some very vivid dreams last night, and I guess I didn't sleep so well." "Oh? I hope they were good dreams, at least?" He replied. I couldn't help the smile that crept on to my lips as I remembered my dream, "Looks like they were." I looked in my lap, trying to restrain the blush that was steadily burning my cheeks. Oh god it was so embarrassing, as if he could see what I'd dreamt about him in my face! I tried to keep my hands away from his on the mix desk, just grazing his fingers was making it difficult for me. Whenever he got up he'd pat me on the shoulder or something, carelessly touching me, it was the most exquisite agony, and I think I blushed for at least 12 hours that day. The next day was a little easier, but it was my turn in the booth, and singing about loving a man as my equal and seeing him behind the mix desk with a technician nearly killed me. In the end my voice started to go from the tension I was feeling and I had to take 5 and go take a moment in the ladies room. I think someone must have worried about me because my agent showed up and came into the ladies room. I didn't think I'd been in there long. "Okay level with me, what is going on?" He asked straight out, I looked up at him and I thought I was going to cry, "Oh shit, is it that bad?" "It's the nerves, he's my idol, it was fine and then I had a dream about him and now I can barely look at the guy!" I replied emptying my soul in the ladies bathroom. "What do you want me to do?" He asked, looking at me like a concerned parent. I put my head in my hands, what did I want to do? I had no idea, all I knew for sure was I wanted to do this track with Yoongi, I didn't want him to think I was a weirdo. "Nothing," I said my head still in my hands, "I just have to get a grip and be a professional! I can't let my personal feelings get in the way of my music or his career!" "Good girl!" He said an patted my arm in a pathetic kind of way, "I'll get out of your way, come out when you're ready!" I don't know what he told Yoongi or the crew but when I came out Yoongi was looking at me, as if he were concerned about me, but he smiled when he saw I was looking at him. I went back in the booth and finished my singing part. It was a bit easier after that, except I caught Yoongi looking at me with an puzzled expression on his face a couple of times. The next day I got in early, I guess I wanted to make up for the mini meltdown I'd had the day before, I listened to what we'd done the day before, it was good. I made coffee, talked to one of the technicians, planned out what we might do to that day. The morning was nearly gone but Yoongi was no where to be seen. I started to worry. Had I put him off? Had he changed his mind about recording with me? Had I, without knowing it, scared him off? I spent the next few hours trying to be professional, trying to focus on my music, trying to work and not to worry about him or why he might be late. I was really feeling lost without him there, would I be able to finish my album when I'd finished recording with him? A million different things kept running through my head and I was just about to call my agent when Yoongi walked through the door. "I'm sorry," he said, looking sheepishly at me, "I had to see my doctor. I... I had a dream... and you... you were in it. It was a good dream, but I needed to talk to someone before I saw you." A dream, oh shit! What kind of dream?! I tried to smile, but my thoughts were running wild. The day continued on pretty much as any day would, except I noticed that Yoongi didn't touch the mix desk when I did or pat me on the shoulder when he wanted to tell me he liked the music. In fact all the careless touches stopped, I felt so bereft, I'd gotten so used to his caresses, even though they were unintentional. It made me feel lonely, as if we'd dated and then broken up. It got worse, the next day when he was recording his rap, rapping about how his woman was fierce and how much respect he had for her and I made an excuse and left the recording room. I don't why, but it hurt to think he wasn't talking about me. I felt like a newly heartbroken ex-girlfriend, not a co-creator or collaborator. "Are you alright?" He asked when I came back from the ladies again and he'd finished recording. He searched my face concerned, I smiled bravely and looked into his beautiful eyes, how I didn't die I have no idea! "Yes, thanks, I'm fine," I lied. "Oh, okay," he said awkwardly his hands dropping to his sides. I wanted to kiss him so badly then, wanted to tell him that I was falling in love with him and that I didn't know how I was going to carry on recording when he wasn't with me anymore. But he walked off into the coffee room, and left me standing outside the recording booth. I thought I was going to cry then. I don't how I stood it, seeing him every day, realizing how much I wanted to be with him and not being able to, it was the most beautifully painful thing I think I've ever experienced so far in my life. A few days went by, it was the weekend and we'd decided to come in on the Saturday to finish the track, edit it and piece it all together. We'd worked pretty much all day, we had a quiet lunch in the coffee room with the technicians, then about 3pm they left and it was pretty much just Suga and me, and a receptionist who had the keys to lock up with, who was at reception. It was late and we'd just finished the track, it was excellent, it really was, I was so pleased with it and it dawned on me that this was the last time I'd see him. Even if we promoted it together, it'd never be just us again, any music videos or press junkets we would be surrounded by people. I started to cry, I didn't mean to, it just came without warning and I turned away from him in my chair to hide my tears. "Fxxk it!" I heard him say and he spun my chair around and took me by the shoulders and kissed me. Hot and hard, and passionate and I stopped caring and just kissed him back as hard as he kissed me. It was spicy and sexy and so so sweet. I didn't want to stop. I want to keep kissing him forever. He pulled me away for a second and looked at me. "You kissed back?!" He said surprised. I giggled, I couldn't help it, he looked so in awe that I'd kissed him back. I nodded, biting my bottom lip my face warm from kissing, "I thought you weren't interested in me!" I started laughing then, I couldn't stop, I'd been agonizing pretty much from the day I met him, and then after the dream my agonies just got worse, and then he'd stopped touching me and I'd felt broken. Now he was acting as if I'd been the one who'd stopped. "You..." I said mock tapping him on the arm, "I'm the stupid fangirl whose spent days holding in my desires and here you are acting as if it was the opposite way around. Why did you think I had a melt down in the ladies? I'd had a really hot dream about you the night before and then I had to come in and not imagine you kissing me every time I looked at you or you brushed my hand on the mix desk!" "You had a dream about me? I told you I had one about you! I went to my counselor because I didn't know what it meant that I'd had a sexy dream about you!" He said, "That's why I was late! I thought you were hot from the day we met, and then you turned out to be a badass too who was serious about music and I respected you too. Every single day I wanted you more, and then when I thought I might tell you how I felt, if I could look at you while I was recording the rap, you disappeared." "I disappeared because I couldn't bare to hurt while you rapped about the woman you respected and loved and it not be me!" I replied, "then I realized tonight I was never going to see you again and started crying." "I just thought you were sick of me, but I couldn't go without kissing you at least once, even if you didn't respond," he said. I was in his arms by then, I'd gone from total misery to absolute ecstasy in one kiss. I looked up at him and pulled his face down to mine, and kissed him again. Hotter and harder this time, his tongue tasting mine, I won't tell you what happens after that, it's enough to let you know that we left the recording studio and ended up at my tiny apartment. The next few days were crazy, i met the guys and we spent a lot more time together, he helped me with the rest of my album and I hoped he'd never ever leave me again, at least not in his heart.
