It’s weird as an adult trying to gain some insight into why you turned out how you did. When I was 14, I went through a major bout of depression and gained a lot of weight from binge eating my feelings (40lbs in 6 months to be exact). I was 5'9" and very self conscious. I had always been taller and much heavier than all of my friends to begin with.
I remember one of my best guy friends at school turning to me one day and saying, “What happened to you… you got fat?!"
I remember my grandma asking me, "Do you really need that cookie?"
When we went to visit my brother, my hero, my whole world at that age (who had moved to Japan and catapulted me into my first depression); he pulled my mom aside and asked if ‘he had done this to me.’ I know it came from place of concern but it cemented my feelings of being a monster.
One of our close family friends, like my second dad, told me that I looked “pregnant” when I wore my brand new pea coat for the first time. I loved that coat.
To my first love who told me that he knew for a fact that he’d "never ever love me."
I was called, "painfully shy,” and people “just didn’t know what to do with me."
All of this came from the people closest in my life. People who cared and loved me, but had no idea how their words could impact a fragile young mind. To this day, as a 31 year old woman, my first thought when I look in the mirror is usually - what’s wrong with me? How do you let yourself eat that? Every time I talk to someone now I think how awkward and uncomfortable I must make them feel because I am so introverted. That I’m some disgusting burden that people are forced to put up with. Thank god for my loving parents who offered me nothing but love and support, they were my life raft when I was drowning. And my adoring husband who saw me when I felt no one ever could, who has made me feel sexy and loved and wanted. I thought I would grow out of these feelings and maybe they have gotten better. I am more confident and comfortable with myself than I ever was, but it’s a constant battle.
I want to make it my mission to not let careless words slip through my guard so that the people around me can feel beautiful and loved exactly as they are, as everyone should be.
