One aquainted with the night

If you want reason and logic, I promise nothing

[ladyrfc]

Time slips and I'm thinking of Virginia. I'm thinking about her on the beach.

She had those headaches, like mine now, but there was no medicine then to help. I think about how she wanted to end them, end it, but she picked up a pen and wrote The Lighthouse and Orlando, head pounding and heart crying.

Pain. Pain in the heart and head and it's sad and the sadness is everywhere, in the fiber of the clothes and the air and the taste of salt in her tears. The tears from crying which doesn't stop the sadness just releases the pressure. Like the meds dulling my headache.

Still there.

Dull.

I'm thinking of Virginia on the beach. Salt in the air, not just in her tears. Were there tears on that beach? I think there was only relief.

I think about her with Vita and going back to her husband after and I do think she loved him. I think she was grateful. I think it wasn't enough against the sadness.

It dulled it.

I think about the farmhouse and the butter during the war and not seeing other people for days, weeks, months.

I think about the beach and the sand under my feet and the salt not in my tears but on my cheeks, in my tongue and in the water around my calves.

I think about my writing in the night, my headache dull and the sadness in my chest and the fibers of my clothes and I do love my family and I'm grateful but it's not enough agaist the sadness.

It dulls it.

I think about walking further into the water, rocks in my pockets and sadness in the air and the joy that it won't be there soon as the cold water dulls it.

I think about Vita's desk and Virginia's picture and about my dad's phone with images of me and my sister and I don't walk any further.

I want to be strong enough to walk back.

Or further.

To choose.

I can't.

Dull.

Everything is dull.

I go back to the house and my paper and my pen.

It dulls it.

Maybe that's enough. For now.

[tyanis]

Kinda feel like there's some untapped meme/reaction image potential from old horror movie trailers...

[tyanis]

[tyanis]

[tyanis]

Since this is gaining traction again, here are the final ones. These had been on separate posts but I suppose they'll be more likely to be noticed here.

I doubt I'll post any more after this but I highly encourage others to go find more. YouTube has tons of old movie trailers and there is PLENTY of gold left to find.

[homunculus-argument]

Kids and plants growing in dark, unnurturing places have a similar way of growing fast but not sturdy, because they have to be quick and reach out as far as they can to find the light. Reaching the light is the top priority. You can work on getting a sturdy trunk later, once you've touched sunshine and know that you'll live.

[sadbluepictureframe]

Does anybody else think it’s weird how many people casually recommended sacrificing monogamy when it comes to asexuality? Why is “you should be in an open relationship” a casual thing to say? It’s not that I completely don’t understand, but it feels so unfair how often asexuality is treated as something that’ll never be enough for most people, how most people wouldn’t ever accept it and if they do, you need to accept they’ll see others. That’s the only way it’ll work. Like the conversation will just be “I don’t know how to meet somebody as an asexual” and the responses to this are just “You can meet anybody! Just let them have sex with a stranger every so often and come back to you and you’ll have them!” I don’t want to do that, actually.

[justnoodlefishthings]

"Coca-Cola made an AI ad!"

"McDonald's releases AI Christmas commercial!!"

Don't care didn't ask plus here's a beautifully animated ad for a French supermarket that was made by actual artists

[rowlfthedog]

[teaboot]

The thing is I don’t want to be needed and I don’t need to be fixed

[teaboot]

there’s a pretty high chance this is a CPTSD thing overlapping with the AroAce thing but if I could just indulge that a moment anyways:

I met a fellow once who I fell into a debate with- whether it was preferable, in an intimate relationship, to be Needed or to be Wanted.

His perspective was that he wanted to be a half of a whole- Needed, in order to make a single unit. To Complete someone, and have them Complete him. He said the ideal place to be in such a relationship would be to feel Needed. Like a Provider, Protector, Supporter, like he had something in himself that others lacked.

I can sort of see the appeal, if I squint and tilt my head a little. Like an optical illusion.

My take was that it would be far better to be Wanted. To be superfluous, but Desired. To fulfill no special purpose except to be Present and Delighted in.

He couldn’t seem to find the appeal in this concept, the same as I couldn’t find the appeal in his, and I find it a little baffling.

I’ve experienced being Needed. People have Needed me for all kinds of things: safety, strength, security, support, reassurance, advice, a spare set of hands. When I was new to being Needed, it made me feel special, like I was Stronger, Better, Chosen. Then it became a task to Stay Needed, because if my own needs ever outweighed my usefulness, I was no longer desirable to have around.

Being loved, in my experience, has almost always been in some way tied to Need more than Desire, and as such I find myself honestly a bit lost and scared of loving or being loved- because the only way I know how to Love is to Give, and Give, and Give, and when I Give too much to the wrong person then they’ll just leave when there’s nothing else to Take. Or when they Want something I don’t know how to provide.

I don’t know if I will ever feel romantic love, and I think I’m scared of it, because it feels as though the love I’ve known the most has been the kind that’s more like ownership. Like putting a leash around your neck and letting someone take it. And I’m not sure if I’m capable of anything else.

I don’t mind being the way I am- I don’t need anyone to change me, and the thing I am isn’t a raw and open wound that needs healed so much as a tree that’s grown around a fence.

There’s no correcting that, no way of separating the natural from the foreign, not without carving pieces out and destroying what’s alive and thriving- and it’s a healthy tree, despite the shape of it, capable of flowering and putting down roots.

I’m fascinated by the idea of love, I think. A bit like how a sailor might be fascinated by stories of men going mad and tossing themselves to the sea.

It could happen to me, is the thought that grips him. I hope it doesn’t.

But what is it like?

[two-wizards-in-a-trench-coat]

i think a lot of poeple think of racism and sexism as something you have to actively opt in to perpetuate rather than something you have to continuously actively opt out of if you want to maybe help dismantle it

[phantomrose96]

Dealing with burnout is sooooooooooooooo easy all you need to do is operate at 40% indefinitely and be kind of mad at yourself the whole time.

[depsidase]

[depsidase]

[moonphies]

Having a friend you feel so deeply drawn to in a completely non-romantic way really hurts when you’re aromantic. It’s like feeling a heartbreak without ever being in a relationship. I’ve been crying over my friend for weeks, and now I understand what a breakup must feel like. I miss him so much, and it makes me question if I did something wrong, even though I know I didn’t.

What makes it worse is knowing that I’ve been the better friend that I care more, try harder, and feel things more deeply. He isn’t as empathetic, and that hurts. I even confronted him once about avoiding me, but he just ignored it. That silence broke something in me. It’s strange I feel like our souls are somehow connected, like we were meant to stay in each other’s lives forever. And yet, here I am, still convincing myself that we’re friends, still trying to fix something I can’t fix alone.

I hate that I get so nervous even thinking about talking to him about my feelings. I hate that I feel so weak for caring this much. But I also want to say: I’m proud of every aromantic person who has felt this kind of deep, confusing connection this intense platonic or emotional pull that can hurt as much as love does. You’re not alone.

[willgrahamscock]

[theebbestboy]

[a-sentient-cup]

[virtualgirladvance]

[corpse-kissesxoxo]

a pattern i notice is

person : hey i used to be a bigot/abuser but i made active efforts to be a better person and i'm now not that person anymore

comments : ok do you want a pat on the back for the bare fucking minimum. fuck you. evil irredeemable person

like you realize that people can be raised into harmful ideologies and not question them until later in life and that it takes introspection and active efforts to understand your harmful actions and make change to your behavior right

it may be the bare minimum for civil behaviour, but actually getting yourself out of harmful mindsets is fucking hard. stop pretending it isn't. you are not immune to propaganda. you're not infallible.

[goodbyeonthisblog-deactivated20]

can we stop demonizing the people who did what their abusers refused to do.

even if its later in life.

no that doesn't mean no consequences for past actions but damn, y'all don't seem to want people to get better. You want "perfect" victims and honestly I'm tired of it.

[corpse-kissesxoxo]

these tags are so important to me and deserve to be smack dab in my blog forever

[handmed0wnart]

Also no they're not saying it cuz they want a pat on the back , they're saying 'hey my story is evidence that it is possible to make these changes.'

[cantotallyeven]

Don't punish the behavior you want to see

[roadhogsbigbelly]

"I've never met a picky eater of color" very much does feel like a pretty benign example of "people of color are cool, white people we uncool" type of racism because I think every culture has their own version of "chicken strips and fries" it's just that people aren't going to clock "curry and rice" or "miso buttle noodles" as being "safe foods" because their "ethnic". whatever that means.

[roadhogsbigbelly]

like to some extent I think it's natural that people's safe foods are going to naturally reflect their background culture, (which is why I think it's annoying when people moralize eating chicken nuggets or whatever) but there this bizarre expectation that non-american picky eaters of color (or non-american poc in general) are going to be able to eat all food from their culture, despite the fact noone expects white autistic people to eat all western food. For reasons.

[roadhogsbigbelly]

Like the reason a white autistic person going "i can't even indian food because it's all overwhelming and I have sensory issues" is obviously racist is also the same reason "how can people of color be picky eaters if their food is exotic" is you know. Kinda racist. Because the idea that a non-american person of color with arfid wouldn't have options for "safe food" in their respective culture is. Very weird.

[ladyrfc]

THIS! Also, since I've been living in Japan, the number of times someone from the US asks me the very racist question, "what's the weirdest thing you've eaten there?" And they don't even think it's racist! I've had to swing it around and ask them, "what's the weirdest food in Ireland?? Cause I went there years back and you never asked that one." And even then they don't get it.

"But they eat octopus in Japan."

"Of COURSE they do, they're surrounded by water. It's totally normal. "

"Octopus have... tentacles."

"And chicken have dino feet. The world is weird, congrats for figuring that out Barbara "

Its so childish. Like everyone has preferences for what did they like, that's fine. But thinking someone else is sooo weird for what food they like is.... it makes no sense.

All countries have comfort food, low effort foods, cheat day foods. People are people everywhere and people gotta eat. I'm not sure why the concept is so difficult outside of having zero critical thinking skills

[quadruple-a-battery]

Just realized something:

The only reason I‘ve been wanting a romantic relationship (without having a romantic relationship), is because I just want to be someones most important person.

As an autistic aro, it can be very alienating when all of my friends are in romantic relationships. I don‘t understand why they want to cancel seeing me (after a few months of no contact) because they want to meet their partner (that they‘ve been with for a week straight)

No matter how tight I feel like my relationship is with someone, as soon as they fall in love, I feel like air.

I want someone to feel that way for me, without actually having to see each other all the time, without kissing and hand holding and all that jazz.

I think what I need is a dog.

Thanks for listening to my ramble

[feral-hermit-cat-deactivated202]

PSA for alloromantic people:

if you value your aromantic friends, you need to understand that not being able to have romantic connections means that many of us will look for similar connection in our friendships.

because many of us still need intimacy and passion, and we're continually starved because the pervasive norm is that intimacy is exclusive to romance. it's not for someone who's "just" a friend.

take a minute to think about how you'd act if you couldn't fall in love- not that you don't want to, you can't. who will you share your life with? who's the first person you go to when you need a shoulder to cry on? who do you spend your time with even when you have nothing to say?