La Negra Blues

I've entitled this blog "the black blues" to break down barriers and to fight against preconceived notions about the black experience/lifestyle...about my life as a black woman. Many people believe that blues/jazz is mainly about depression or sadness. Yes. The blues sheds light on issues that are considered negative, such as inequality, violence, poverty, hardship, sadness... But, the blues also embodies love, happiness, faith and hope.. I created this blog to use as my outlet, my personal yet public diary. And I pray that my transparency inspires you. I pray that my transparency provides freedom -not only for me but for others that can resonate with my truth.

[lanegrablues]

I was trying to submit to a man but, couldn’t even submit to God.

I recently shared my testimony with a group of young women- I shared how my sexual assault convinced me that sex was an acceptable communication style. (Ultimately, the message was about how operating in that choice… gave me a false sense of liberation & left me feeling broken.)

I shared that.. when I was dating, I began to lead with sex …because, the assault made me believe that sex was my only asset. In those moments… I felt like my voice was valid... that I got to choose whether I wanted to do it… (b/c, my “no” was disregarded during my assault)

I shared with them… how I allowed shame to fool me… into thinking that I was taking my power back … only to hand it over to men that didn’t even value me. How I handed it over to men that didn’t see the God in me… men that didn’t see me as worthy... men that didn’t even care to ask me my middle name or my birthdate. (To be honest.) And I knew those things but, I just…lacked the will power or self control to walk away in those moments.

I shared how my disobedience had led me to a dark place that only God has been able to pull me out of… how the walk has been far from perfect… how I still struggle while trying to build a healthy relationship with myself & my body. How I still struggle with feeling unworthy or feeling like “they only want sex anyway, so I might as well.” (In all audacity and ignorance- I said this)

Long story short- I am thankful that my obedience allowed me to touch the lives of many women. After sharing.. so many women shared that they have encountered similar situations & how they don’t feel worthy or loved. Again.. not saying I’m perfect …but, it was an honor to be able to minister to those women.. while ministering to myself.

Someone told me .. the gift doesn’t change because your behavior has/did… so… gonna walk in it.

[lanegrablues]

Updates 5.0: “How to love a battered woman”

-I do not want to be treated like a victim. Treat me with gentleness (i.e- consideration) but, do not treat me like I’m fragile.

-Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.

-Don’t lie to me. I have discernment… although, I foolishly ignore it.. at times.

-Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

-Don’t introduce me to an energy that you can’t maintain.

-If you are not ready to receive me, leave me alone.

-If you are not ready to or capable of watering this garden (like I’d water yours.. to help you grow) then, leave me alone.

-Don’t treat me like I’m weak. I have been abused- physically and sexually, but that doesn’t mean that I am some weak wounded animal.

-I am not ultra sensitive because, of the things that I’ve been through. I am naturally sensitive (lol) Meaning.. I feel everything deeply.. I will be more inclined to articulate how I feel.. being emotional or sensitive.. does not mean that I cry easily or all the time.

-I am a flower. So don’t uproot me. I’ve been uprooted and mishandled. Don’t pluck me to put me on your night stand to view when you need a reminder that something beautiful exists… admire me where I am… allow me to grow as I am.. yes.. change is good and necessary… but, don’t try to control me. Don’t deprive me of light, love- just to say you had or have me.

-I am not easy. Just because I’ve been exposed to bad… doesn’t mean that I will fall easily for what appears good. You can’t sweet talk your way into my bed. I see the game… (I have ignored the signs in my past) but, my trauma hasn’t made me desperate. I may have fallen victim before but, I won’t now.

-Don’t try to make me prove my worth. It’s tiring. It’s traumatizing and I won’t do it. I refuse to.

If you can’t see my worth.. if you can’t see my light.. if you can’t see my value.. if you can’t see that I am the gentle touch, leave me alone.

-If you want me to prove what I bring to the table without realizing that I am the table, leave me alone.

-If you are committed to misunderstanding me, leave me alone.

-If you lack emotional intelligence… you are going to not only hurt me but you’re hurting yourself.. so leave me alone.

I could go on and on… but… I just wanted to name a few.

Women who have been abused are often looked at as damsels who need constant reassurance or have lowered standards.

Not me. I refuse to allow that stereotype to define survivors- to define me.

[lanegrablues]

Update 4.5: “Let me reflect; The spiritual aspect”

I shared all of that- not to bash the men that I’ve dated or encountered. I don’t want to bash the men that have decided that we weren’t a good fit. I hope those that I have turned down, don’t hate me. I don’t hate these men, but I’d be remiss if I shared all that and didn’t admit that it hurt… or if I didn’t say that I appreciate every lesson that I learned. I appreciate every check on the chin.

Why? Because, it forced me to look up.

I lost sight of what matters.

God

I hadn’t made all smart decisions. I sinned sexually while dating. I allowed certain things to occur that I knew were not right…and I share that to say that even in my disobedience (that’s not to say that I have not been chastened because, He whooped me good…) even in my disobedience, He kept me. This is not to glorify imperfection. This is not to encourage anyone to take His grace or mercy for granted. It’s to share what I had to learn the HARD WAY.

He keeps reminding me and showing me that He is my source. Even when I … out of a trauma response.. cling to this idea of love or this need to be validated by whoever. He shows up. He’s there when I cry. He’s there when I am confused. He’s there when I don’t feel good enough. He’s there when I want to give up.

He sees it all & knows it all..

Soooo.. I have to do better. I’m going to always be imperfect but, I have to always TRY to be pleasing in His sight. I have to. Nothing else matters.

And I don’t say that.. to say that I don’t mess up or that I haven’t recently. I do… I have… but, I’ve repented for yesterday… I can only move forward today.. make better choices for today… that’s the point behind me sharing. Not to sound intriguing. Not to sound great. Not to glorify my struggle. Not to expose my life for attention but to bring glory to Him.

The one.. who keeps me.

The one.. who heard me when my lips were too prideful to pray or when I felt like I couldn’t because I knew better and still disobeyed.

The one.. who loves me in my darkest most disgusting mess.

The one.. who lifts my head when I feel invaluable behind man (a man)… or to Him.

The one.. that reminds me that I am chosen when I compare myself to others.

It’s about His redeeming power.

His love. His grace. His mercy. His forgiveness.

[lanegrablues]

Updates 4.0: “The dating pool is pissy”

🏊🏾‍♂️

So. I told myself that if I was going to date that I would date with intentionality. 😂 I lied to myself. My intention was to be intentional but, I.. should’ve known that wasn’t going to happen. Listen. I am a “lover girl”… I fall too hard, too fast. I… don’t allow a lot of people in, so when I do.. I become an open book..I am transparent but, I become open… like.. I have no shame with you. I’m not going to lie to you. Anything you ask, I’m going to tell you. I offer up the truth voluntarily.

When I let you in.. I say “go ahead and take your shoes off.” I immediately become available because, I care. “I can make time.” It could be 1 am and I’m half sleep but, I’ll answer for you. I could go on and on.

Foolish BUT… hey.. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I love how purely and passionately … I love the way that I love (loyal, childlike, hopeful, with no score of wrongdoing, complex yet simply…)but this often leads to my emotional demise.

2023 “dating fails”: I started dating mid-2022 after being celibate for 7 years. I personally enjoy dating & getting to know new people. The desire is to be found by my husband. 🤡😂 Seriously. I’m not a serial dater but I’ve dated several people.. but THESE are the top 5 fails of the year. The most mention worthy. 😒🤣

Side note: I love clarity. It leaves little to no room for confusion. Dating to me is talking to someone … that you want to pursue romantically/emotionally. You are more intentional about or invested in contact. Y’all can go on dates, be in one another’s presence consistently, talk often via video or phone, if necessary. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex. I don’t believe that you are sexual with everyone that you date. (The term dating is subjective, but that’s my definition)

So. Let’s get into it.

💩- Maybe.. I won’t be super discrete with this one but, my ex. I don’t think he is a P.O.S but, 🤷🏾‍♀️ …that hurt that I felt was CRAZY. When I tell you.. he had me twisted and I’m not talking about no Keith Sweat song. I loved him foolishly. Anything he asked me to do (within moderation..I did. I wasn’t out here willing to catch charges but, I would’ve done anything for him.) I was at the family functions. Went to church with his mother. Hung out with his dad. Listen. All that. That was the biggest fail but the biggest blessing. I would have been MISERABLE- if I forced myself to stay. It wasn’t all bad but, it was abusive emotionally, mentally and physically towards the end.

🏋🏾‍♂️- Listen. Mississippi had me smiling from ear to ear. That boy had me giddy like a little school girl. I would’ve married that man, if he would’ve asked. I knew that it wouldn’t work long term but, I was so captivated. He was … reserved but not timid, logical, hardworking, determined, witty, charming, loved children… a body handcrafted by God Himself.. I could go on and on. We had fun together. I often felt safe in his presence. We could be in silence & I’d be okay. We’d put each other onto different series & just binge watch them together. All day and night. At times, he’d just stare at me and tell me that I was pretty. He’d … in our silence.. just pull me close and I felt safe. Until, I didn’t. We stopped dating for awhile then, when we began dating again… he was less attentive and “mean.” He’d want me around but, wouldn’t even look at me. He’d want me around but, then would treat me like he didn’t want me there. He was demanding of my time. The fun we used to have always ended in a disagreement, in which I’d leave. When I tried to address my concerns, he’d shut down the conversation when he used to talk about it openly/willingly. We both agreed to see where things went but, he began to accuse me of being in a relationship with someone else. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Still. I swooned over him. Smiling when he’d call.. running when he’d call.. until I didn’t anymore. Not to drag it out. Our last conversation ended in him.. saying that he feels bad for the man who loves me.. then, in his rage.. I tried to stroke his shoulder to calm him down. Something I did in the past that worked and then, he pushed me into the stove. I said “no way”… quickly grabbed my purse and my shoes without putting them on… left and never turned back.

🤵🏿‍♂️- “the Mack” lol We met so unexpectedly. He was so direct & gave me his number to reach out if I was I interested. I waited about 2 weeks, before he found me on socials & messaged me. When we first met I friend zoned him subconsciously… but, after being around him.. babyyyy.. I became “addicted” to his energy. He had a calm nature to him. Quiet. Reserved. Didn’t speak unless he had something “significant” to say. He didn’t believe in space filling with meaningless words. Didn’t do too much. Wasn’t about being popular or being seen by everyone. He rode his own wave and I liked that. He was able to make me feel calm. I’m so used to being this big ball of energy/light. Full of smiles, laughter, charisma, joy, personality and he showed me how to relax the muscles of my spine. It was refreshing because, I was so used to a chaotic passion. The type of “passion” that always made you feel something/always feel high or low. Until him, I didn’t know that it was okay to be still. That chemistry is still chemistry.. even if it’s relaxed. I went into it being reluctant and saying “let’s see” but, after I encountered his energy… I was like “no.. I need to know your intentions for me, rn. Can you see yourself marrying me.” (Sounds crazy when I write it) but.. long story short. I wasn’t the one for him. He wanted to still date but, I desired clarity and without him being able to define or articulate his plans for us- I knew that there was a plan but, I wasn’t included in it. So.. I had to bow out.

🏈- This is the messiest. So. I had someone pursue me for a year. 365 DAYS. I wasn’t really interested. He was consistent but, I knew I wasn’t in a place to date. We were talking consistently then, I decided that I was going to give myself some time to just sit. (I didn’t express that to him… and I kinda… went ghost 🤦🏾‍♀️) Months went by and he ended up reaching out to me. He stated that he was still interested & wanted to see me. So he planned a date. *speeds up story* Besides him… wining and dining me. Clearly, flexing his money. (Which I didn’t care about- so… I made it a point to pay for the second half of our date)… our date was amazing. Conversation was amazing. Energy was amazing. He was like me… energetic, witty, intelligent, an ambivert… knew how to catch my little innuendos and how to respond while being respectful/making my heart melt at the same time. It felt a perfect puzzle piece. It just… worked in the midst of subtle differences. I felt like I had known him forever. We felt like an old couple. Our date was full of laughter… joking… great meaningful exchanges.. innocent flirting… we even dressed similar by coincidence. All that. The night ended well… I began to ask certain personal questions because my gut prompted me too.. I asked if he was seeing anyone- he said no.. he expressed intentions on seeing me but, said the ball was in my court since I went ghost last time. Long story short- something told me google his number to try to find details because, he said he wasn’t on social media. THAT GUT FEELING! I googled his number- this man had been pursuing me under a fake name. Same first letter but, not his first name or middle. That wasn’t the kicker- the kicker was him BEING MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS. One child being under the age of 1. The cherry on top was that he was an assistant coach for a well known NFL team. He had interviews, podcasts, college lectures on YouTube… articles through CNN… all that… When I tell you- my jaw dropped. I don’t care about status but, I felt so dumb. I felt played. Outside the obvious.. as to why it ended.. this man.. had the nerve to ask me was I going to stay with him. I didn’t cuss him out BUT, I wanted to. I enjoyed our time but as a woman with integrity.. I refuse to date someone else’s husband. I refuse to date a liar. I felt so sick for days about this one. Carrying guilt that didn’t belong to me. I would NEVER willingly involve myself with someone married. Safe to say.. blocked and forgotten.

🦍- *My last chin check* If my dating life was an icecream cone.. “he” surely was the cherry on top.

I don’t remember how we met really. I think it was via social media. He sent me a request and I didn’t think anything of it. We’d exchange small messages. Nothing serious. Idk when that changed but, he was another… “unexpected surprise.” I didn’t expect to like him as much as I did. (See a common theme?) Pushing myself to ride past the stop sign then, crashing. Some mutual “friends” tried to say “nooo… do not” for various reasons that I won’t say… But, when we finally met in person… he was cool. Tall. Handsome. Nice voice. Approachable energy. A leader from what was presented to me. A jokester like me. A man of God.. from our early conversations he seemed quiet… reserved.. (you see the theme) but, all in all… I was excited to get to know him. I didn’t see any red flags but also.. I wasn’t looking. I was too distracted by the height. 😂 We hung out and it went well.. so I thought… we went from talking consistently.. sleeping on the phone. (Stuff I didn’t do with anyone since my ex) to radio silence. I had text him/attempted to create conversation but he didn’t feel the need to respond or the responses were short. 🤷🏾‍♀️ And in true human nature, I thought.. “he must have decided that he didn’t like me” or “I must have done something wrong” or “he must have a girlfriend.” I reached out one last time with a heartfelt/honest message and didn’t receive a response. (Ouch..) days later… he responded with a text that I deemed very vague/shallow and an insult to my intelligence- so I didn’t respond.. the message stated that he didn’t want to waste my time. Eh. We had already been talking consistently. I thought he had genuine interest in me as someone he’d want to see where things could go with but I was wrong… *not to go through the entire timeline** we stopped talking.. began talking again… weeks later? *Long story made short again* After.. some things transpired & I felt the distance again. I felt like he was done after what happened.. happened… We had a conversation that left me hopeful that we’d still be moving forward (getting to know one another) He was so open in conversation. I’ve never heard him super goofy or laughing with all 32 teeth showing. I liked that part of him… I felt honored that he let me see him in his glory. He was goofy before but that conversation was different. After that… it got silent again.. we had an awkward conversation that he didn’t seem enthused to have & he told me that he was not ready for a relationship. (the with you was silent but, heard) 🤷🏾‍♀️ Eh. Happens. Rejection happens all the time, but I didn’t expect to feel played. I didn’t expect for him to be what I had experienced in the past. I appreciate not wasting my time but, I had already been intimate- emotionally.. physically. I had already built up this hope (no fault of his) in my head. I felt like we were compatible. Yes, we had chemistry (initially).. but, we (in my eyes) shared similar views… similar customs, etc. So the “I don’t want you”….stung like hell… and in true poet fashion… in true lover girl fashion… in true.. “I need to sit my ass down and heal” fashion… I internalized. I thought…If I was prettier, maybe. If I was smarter, maybe. If I looked like, so and so. If I had a bigger booty, maybe. If I didn’t give it up, maybe. Man.. did he only want? Did he not like it when we? All those thoughts…

And I share all this to my private yet public blog to say… IM SITTING MY ASS DOWN FOR THE REST OF 2023. Lol But, I say all that to say… heal.. be reflective and introspective. I say all that to say… it’s okay when things don’t work out. That’s life. Keep the ball rolling. You won’t have to prove your worth to “your person.” You won’t have to say “pick me” to your person. You won’t have to question or doubt if your person wants you… none of that.

I learned to stop internalizing not being someone’s person. Maybe, they liked you until they got to know you. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Maybe… they only wanted sex… maybe, they thought you were someone you weren’t.. there are a lot of maybe’s but ITS OKAY. Dating fails are apart of the game but, be wise.

It’s has been difficult to not over analyze but I’m going to listen on God. FOR REAL. He always shows signs and gives warning- but, are you listening?

See…I don’t think dating is necessarily bad but I need to take the hints. I need to see the signs. I need to stop settling because I don’t want to be anyone’s safe bet.. I don’t want anyone to be my safe bet…

I’m going to guard my heart. These dating fails have shown me that I am a giver. I give my all because I’m a nurturer at heart. I love deeply. I have a fragile but big heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes that gives the illusion of “falling in love too fast or too hard” when I really… connect with energies… do I make the best decisions always? No… but, if we did.. would there be any growing room or lessons learned?

[lanegrablues]

Updates 3.0: “Healing through the sexual assault”

Now. This one is going to hurt.

I have my good days and my bad days.

In therapy.. I had to write a letter to him. That letter was one of the hardest things that I have EVER had to do.

Am I 100% healed? No, but I’m on my way.

I have to be honest with myself daily and reflect.

Some days- I am “better.” When I have those “better days” which is … 85-90% of the time…I understand that I did not warrant that violence. I understand that I did not deserve it. I understand that I cannot carry or be responsible for his actions. I pat myself on the back for standing up and speaking out against him. (Even if nothing was done by the city of Greensboro.)

Other days- I want to set the city on fire. I want to go on a rampage & not care about who gets hurt in my rage. (If I can be honest) On those “set the world ablaze” days… I want to post his face all over socials so people will know what he did to me. On those days… I go through the grief cycle. Hard. I feel saddened. I feel lost. I feel like my special was taken. I feel useless. I feel unworthy of marriage. I feel dumb. I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel vindictive.

All of those things that occur when you heal.. and have to take a step back to gain new revelations.

My assault happened June 3, 2022 and I learn EVERYDAY that healing is a process. Healing is not linear. Healing doesn’t always feel good. Healing is reflective and sometimes… you won’t like what you see. I am learning to accept…that I will have those up and down days.

I will say that I am proud of myself for acknowledging that my sexual assault did impact me. I used to fight that fact.. tooth and nail. I couldn’t relinquish that last bit of power. I couldn’t allow myself to breathe in… but, when I did… I allowed myself to feel without shame.

I am proud of myself for talking about it because, I was mute at one point. I didn’t feel like my voice mattered and now- I am going to speak, share and encourage when I feel led.

[lanegrablues]

Updates 2.0: “Flexxin on my ex; the boy who broke my heart”

Last time, I wrote in depth.. I spoke in reference to my ex. Probably too much. If you asked me but I loved this little cockroach. 😂 I loved him dearly but fell victim to unrequited love. I feel victim to being a lover girl. Wanting his success, healing and prosperity more than him. I gave and gave until I was left empty. I was so emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually invested in this man that couldn’t even lead me into the presence of God. I still remember… the night of my birthday… I stood in front of him with tears in my little eyes..looked this man in his eyes- and asked him… “Why am I not enough? Why can’t you just want me” yeah… that man.

So.. he recently reached out to me and apologized for everything that he has every said or done to me. He told me that it was never his intention to hurt me.. blah blah blah. He then, told me that I was a beautiful person- that I possessed a light & love & gentleness but, he couldn’t receive it due to his own 💩— none of which surprised me.

So… I do this thing where I… feel like “captain save a hoe” when I love or care about someone. It’s like..: I see this wounded, hurt person & want to save them.. when I need to heal my own wounds.

So. By knowing that about myself. I do not blame him. If he ever reads this- I have always told you. My response is not in reaction to you. You’re triggering a place within me that needs to be healed or mirrors a harsh truth about me that I have yet to acknowledge. It was never YOU. Me being hurt by you… just confirmed that I have issues with people pleasing. That I still housed that hurt little girl that was mad at daddy for leaving. That little girl that couldn’t trust a man because they always wanted to touch my 🐱 but never caress my soul. So. I often times gave you grace. I thank you. The heartbreak made me dive deeper into introspection and reflection.

Long story short: I accepted the apology and wished him roses. I don’t hate him...as much as people (my loved ones) want me to hate him… I can’t hate someone that I loved so intentionally and passionately. I don’t have that capability within me. I still can say that I love him. We weren’t meant to be. He was a very HARD but, NECESSARY lesson.

I learned in that conversation… that closure comes from YOU. Nothing he said. Hearing his voice. Getting answers. NONE OF THAT provided closure. I had to do the shadow work- I had to close the door to get that closure.

[lanegrablues]

Updates 1.0: “Wasss good?!”

It’s been awhile since I have posted on my blog. Since my last post… I have experienced some amazing growth and some painful regression.

The “good”:

I am still alive. 🎉 That’s always a positive, ay? I still have breath, so I’m thankful about that.

My child is healthy and thriving. School is a challenge but, she is resilient and determined. (Like her mama)

Work has changed DRASTICALLY. I am still an independent contractor which I love. People can’t understand why I love working for myself and have for almost 2 years— here’s why… I love “branding” myself, creating my own hours, demanding the pay that I deserve, and going to help in different sectors. I have learned SO much. My dream is to own my own dental practice, so I am learning about… what type of provider I want to be, the staff dynamic, hours, target client group, if I’ll be in network or out of network, what area I’ll serve, how I want to treat my employees, etc. I would have not gotten that opportunity, if I would have stayed at the office that I was at.

Updates- I am now phasing out of dentistry in office and will be working from home… which will be new. I am a social butterfly, so I am anxious to see what life will be like… without being around people. I am going to be learning more about insurance & the behind the scenes. (Very intimidating. I’m sure I’ll have some stress but, I want to be the best provider ever for my patients.

[lanegrablues]

This Can't Be Love

I have been asking myself - why do I allow myself to be broken by a man? Why do I subconsciously feel like my love will "heal them"? Why do I fail to implement these boundaries that I have created? Why do I allow my space, time, purity, heart, kindness... to be disrespected? Why do you allow these men to take you out of your light? What do I feel like I am missing?

Am I a product of daddy issues? Fear of abandonment? Constantly needing reassurance? Feeling like I am not enough?

I am not desperate to be loved. I do not fear "never finding the one" or "never being loved." I do not feel like it behooves or benefits me to settle nor do I consciously do it. I think it just happens. Which may sound like a cop out. Which may sound like I am naive and blind to the "red flags" or realities... but, I have always been a "lover of love." I have always loved hard and recklessly (causing harm to myself). It saddens me to see broken people. It saddens me to see people not loving themselves. HOW IRONIC.. because, the same worth I see in people or potential that I am able to see.. I sometimes fail to see it in myself. (Is that insanity?)

....... I am realizing that I do not know what love is. I do not know what it means to love or be loved. Although, I love without judgment - although, I love with so much dedication and loyalty -- if the love I am giving .. causes pain to myself.. is it love? I don't think so.

...... I am realizing that trauma bonds are one hell of a connection or tie. It is so hard to break a trauma bond. The cycle - the manipulation - the honeymoon moments - the abuse - just everything that is tied into the bond... makes it hard to break.

[lanegrablues]

Updates

Hey guys... just writing to update you about what is going on in my life.

I've found a therapist! I am one session in - first session recap. Nothing too deep was discussed. But, the session allowed me to speak out about my life. I know that does not make sense, but it made me actually think. Like - one question was, who raised you? I lived with my mother and father but, was raised by my great grandmother. She was my mother. She was my confidant. She was the person that pointed me in the direction of God and womanhood. She taught me valuable lessons about confidence and inner beauty. I have always felt misunderstood, but she always "got it: and "got me." That was a reality that existed but, I never spoke about it.

I was also asked was I ever in an abusive relationship or sexually assaulted. As you know from previous posts.. I have been.

Again, not to give too much away... but, I am excited for this journey towards healing.

School updates: I bombed this semester. I went into a depression and my grades suffered. I didn't attend classes for like 3 weeks and my grades dropped drastically. I almost quit. I was going to give up but, how I bounce back is most important to me. Mastering the ability to stay focused when I feel like my world is set to flames is important to me. So .. I am looking forward to Spring 2023 --

Motherhood updates: I am constantly learning how to be patient. I am learning how to be present but not overbearing. I am learning how to be a disciplinary but also giving my child grace and the freedom to express herself. Motherhood is not easy. Parenthood is not for the faint at heart --- sooo.. everyday I am learning how to be the best mother that I can be.

Dating updates.... well... that needs a post on its own. (Coming soon)

Spiritual updates: God has been speaking to me. For those that know me, I was heavy into ministry for 4-5 years and "strayed" away October 2021. I have been trying to find my way back to Christ/my identity. It is a process. I have experienced some ups and downs, but I am trying to get back to the core of who I am ... which I believe is Christ.

[lanegrablues]

Find a space that allows you to tap in.

During this fast- I’m trying to get back into the habit of writing in my prayer journal. Writing down my dreams, the visions given, my prayers, - everything.

[lanegrablues]

Day Two

I felt like I was drowning but, didn’t. (By His grace)

Already. Only 2 days in.

I desperately want to check my ig. Today without thinking, I opened the app then closed it back quickly. I see the notifications of messages and requests but I am determined to go cold turkey for 30 days. 😬

Today’s Revelations:

1. I procrastinate like heck and that’s a problem.

2. I don’t have everything together and that bothers me because I like to be in control. I “need” to be in control over everything because growing up… I felt like people always told me what to do. I felt like I was never seen and that my voice didn’t matter. My feelings were always overlooked or minimized… so I always feel the need to control the narrative or the outcome.

3. I am tired as all get out. I nap a lot when I have “free time.” (Well… what is free time because I am always supposed to be doing something — smh.. an error in thinking but I feel like I always have something to do..) but, I wake up drained.

4. I am not lost because I know which way to go. I feel like it’s a paradox to know the way and still be lost. So if you know the way, are you truly lost?

5. I am an overthinker! My brain is always going. I am always thinking of something. Sometimes I just want peace and let me state— I am thankful for the ability to think because someone out there can’t grasp reality or form a thought… but, it’s never ending at times.

6. I need to be better with time management. I need to stop spending so much time with “him” and spend more time with Him. Are you catching it? I spend a lot of time with bootleg bae and need to be spending more time with the Father. A harsh but necessary reality. Because, bootleg bae probably won’t be here in about 5 months but God will ALWAYS be here. So … priorities priorities.

This morning when I prayed- I asked for peace and strength.

Tonight, I am praying that I rest in Him and wake up prepared to seize the day. I am asking for peace in the mind, body, and spirit. Any weariness or tiredness must go. I will have energy. I will be motivated. I will not allow my feelings make me feel like I am being overtaken. If that makes sense?

I hope you had a better day today than yesterday.

Rest in His love. Know that today may not have gone as planned but, did His plan go forth?

[lanegrablues]

Day One

(PROMPT 1) How am I feeling?

I am feeling tired in my body. Tired in my mind and spirit. Already. But, I felt this way before ... hence, why I decided to do a fast.

I am missing "him." (I was going to say his name, but opted out)

I feel like... I "need" to feel something. That temporary comfort that he brings. That temporary feeling of "care." That temporary feeling of "safety." It is all fleeting, I know... but, damn it.. I really need to feel chosen. If I can be real? And when I say that out loud... (it does sound insane) BECAUSE, why do you need to be chosen by MAN when you are already CHOSEN BY GOD. (That is it.. that is the post) lol

{I am going to be self-reflecting through bible verses/bible study, writing prompts and prayer. I may also write random posts about my thoughts/revelations.} (Just a heads up)

Today's writing prompts:

(PROMPT 2) How have I lied to myself? This month? This week? Today?

I have lied to myself by saying that "I am okay." I am not okay. I am tired. I am drained. I am unmotivated. I want to run away from my problems. I feel lonely. I feel unwanted. I feel like I may be experiencing the beginning stages of depression. I have lied to myself saying that I can fix this. I have lied to myself by thinking that "he" could fix it. I have lied to myself by thinking that I could fill this void with sex or by entertaining people that I do not see being around long term. I have lied to myself by saying "oh.. I will do it tomorrow or address it tomorrow." All lies that people can relate to/with.

I always say it: Introspection is not always pretty. Sometimes, it hurts. Sometimes, it is very triggering. Sometimes, you want to give up because what you see in the mirror --- can be very painful.

BUT, we have to. So, I am determined to face those things. I am determined to have those hard conversations with self. I am determined to acknowledge my flaws.

[lanegrablues]

A love letter to self

Tori- Strong. Resilient. Intellectual. Stubborn. Loving. Selfless. Beautiful (Inside & Out) ... the list goes on.

You are loved. Even when you do not feel like it. Even when it does not seem like it. Even when you feel alone. Even when you feel like people do not love you, the way that you love.

You are loved. You were created in love.

Yes. You have been hurt. Yes. You can be very cold when you feel hurt or betrayed. Yes. You can be very stubborn and unmoved, as an attempt to protect your heart.

None of that takes away from who you are - at the core of your being. Everyone has character flaws. Everyone has ugly traits. (Not to say that you should not work towards changing them.) But, do not allow anyone to make you feel like the bad or ugliness outweighs the love and light within you.

You know who God has created you to be. You know the heart that you possess and those that truly know you - are aware.

You carry so much, because you feel the need to be strong. You carry so much, because you feel like you have to. I am here to tell you ... that you don't. You do not have to carry the weight of your past. Shame can't live here. Depression can't live here. Bitterness can't live here. Fear can't live here.

You have to continue to move forward. (I know you will because, you are resilient and you never let ANYTHING hold you back) But, allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to get lost in God, because in Him.. .you will find clarity, peace, joy, happiness, purpose, love, beauty, forgiveness.. etc.

Stay strong but remember where your strength comes from. ♥

[lanegrablues]

Thinking Out Loud

Did my sexual assault impact me in a negative way? Have I truly healed? How can I heal from that? Will I ever be the same? Who am I now after that situation? How am I coping? How can I manage these emotions? How do I feel on the "bad days"? What does a bad day look like? SO MANY QUESTIONS...

At times, I feel so depressed. At times, I feel so unfilled. At times, I feel like I am unworthy of a soft/gentle/real love. At times, I want to drive to CLT and seek revenge on my attacker. At times, I find myself sleeping the weekends away. At times, I entertain men that mean me no good.. just to feel desired. At times, I feel powerless. (Even when I am intimate) At times, I feel voiceless which is why I do not speak as much.

I vowed to be COMPLETELY transparent with this blog.

They say that assault victims either cope or respond to the assault by: a) being overly promiscuous in an attempt to regain power or b) shy away from sex out of fear

I was going down path A. I desperately needed to feel in control...so I did some things that I would not normally do. I entertained people that I knew were no good for me... and at times, I feel myself desiring... or seeking sexual connections just to feel empowered. (which is WRONG and unproductive... and does more harm than good) I did not realize how impacted I was until yesterday. I was told by close friends that know that I am not a woman that sleeps around that I began to spiral out after being assaulted.

Idk guys. I am just angry. I am avoidant. I find myself desperately searching to feel whole again. I want revenge on my attacker. I am upset that he got away because, he said it was consensual. I am just "uhhhhhh." If you know me, you know that I like to be in control and it is killing me... to not be able to grasp peace or feel whole again.

Someone that is close to me ... said that I began to treat guys like "hoes" in an attempt to make them feel like I did. Unseen. Unimportant. Like trash. I would disagree but I will say that I was not very considerate. I had a very self-serving attitude. I will say that came from my assault. Again, I wanted to feel in control of my body and my choices. If I wanted to sleep with someone- I did it because I wanted to. If I wanted to date (non-sexual) 5 men at the same time, I did because I wanted to. After the assault, my body did not feel like my own. My voice felt small. I grew mute. I felt like no one would want someone as weak as me. . . to not fight with all that I had during my assault.... idk... but,

I declare healing. I declare peace. I declare purity. I declare wholeness. I declare strength.

If you have ever been assaulted - it is not your fault. You are not to blame for their actions. No means no. No can be recanted at any moment. You still possess power. Your voice matters. Your no mattered. If the justice system failed you... like it failed me... like it fails many other men and women, you deserve to be heard. Karma is real. Do not allow your attacker to have power over you. Lets move forward towards healing.

[lanegrablues]

Self reflection

I sit here. Typing this post with slight bitterness. I type this post with sadness. I type this post with hope.

Without being long-winded. I had to cut off someone that made me feel good today. See. The trick with feelings is that they are temporary. In 2019, the Lord spoke to me clearly and informed me that I cannot have permanence in temporary things. Feelings change. Feelings often lie to us. Feelings often leave us feeling uncertain or feeling "some type of way." Feelings have a way of breezing over or hiding the truth.

So. Today, I had to cut off someone that made me feel good 60% of the time. (I will get to the other 40%) But, as I sat and reflected before responding to him. . . because, I was just going to ghost him. I feel like ... it is not always necessary to tell someone that you are leaving or cutting them off BUT, I wanted to have that conversation & the person was very persistent. But, I made it very clear of my boundaries. Often times, we accept people's claims of "this is just me" or "this is the way that I talk" --AND that is NOT acceptable to me. I require respect and honor and care. That is a boundary of mine.

This particular person was an intimate partner. We tried to be friends because, early on -- we realized that we were not a good fit for a long term relationship. We wanted two different things, but wanted to maintain intimacy (read in between the lines) We would often lie to one another and say that we were just friends... but, friends did not do the things that we did. Hanging out for hours. Cuddling. Calling each other babe. Kissing. Getting semi-jealous when other people were mentioned in a relationship context. It was VERY confusing and at times, draining.

But, I kept trying to .. we kept trying to fool ourselves. So -the situation that put me over the edge. . . instead of him admitting how he felt -- he was being passive aggressive, which is a PET PEEVE of mine. I rather you be a straight shooter, even if it results in my feelings getting hurt.

(Side note) Women ... I have the ability of knowing what will be said before it is said. I can read a person's energy and body language well.. so.. to lie to me is foolish, because I can tell.

So ... instead of admitting that he was jealous, he began to say things that were hurtful. That I was just a girl that hangs out with him (childish, I know.. but hurtful.. nonetheless) It started over something so small about what we were watching on the tv but, I believe that small things spark the bomb but there is always a bigger issue... So I opted to leave instead of stay. Instead of being an adult and saying that he wanted me to stay, he said that he did not care... to later text me and tell me that he did not want me to leave.

(I KNOW THAT THIS IS TMI)

That pissed me off because, I asked him -- he thought that I wanted him to beg me but I wanted him to tell me that he wanted me there/around because, I FELT like he did not want me there. Again, a situation blown out of proportion .. but, I say all of this to say... That I am hurt because, this is a person that has become a big part of my life. But, was he a space filler? Was I wasting my time because, he made me feel good? Was the "feel good" part only sexual?

--and the other 40%? 40% of the time... I felt under-valued, unseen, unheard... I felt like the "fun girl" that was not taken serious. I felt like I was not respected until I had a foot out the door...

REFLECTION: I deserve more. YOU deserve the best. If a situation does not serve you, leave. If a person does not value you, leave. I had to realize that I give myself value - not the person that I am with. I had to realize that I was hurting myself by continually allowing my boundaries to be overstepped. I guess... subconsciously, I thought that I could fix him or make him love me. (WOW) I thought that by showing up as me (intellectual, beautiful, silly, supportive, understanding... all of these great things) would make him see my worth ... and when it didn't.. I felt so sad and so low. I refuse to allow anyone to make me feel that way because, I deserve to be admired. So do you. That is not to say that I was perfect or that I am blameless (because, there is always two sides to a story... he has feelings to) but, I can only share from my point of view.

[lanegrablues]

[lanegrablues]

Today's... revelation

Gm, all.

It's 10:32 in the morning, where I am - still early, but ... I wanted to share something that came to mind today.

People always wonder why good things happen to bad people and why God wasn't there. I too felt this way at one point in my life. Like, "how could you let this happen to me?" .."how could you let them lie on me or say this about me?" "where were you?"

-- I was reminded by a dream last night that God was always there. He never left me. I did not allow myself to see him (spiritually, not with the natural eye) because, I allowed myself to become so consumed with my own problems. He never let me go. He never let me stray too far away. He was always by my side.

Yes, what I have gone through/had to go through - hurt like hell at times. . . sometimes I did not think that I was going to make it, but I did. Why? Because, He was there.

You ever feel like you're going to drown? But, your head stays above water and you don't know how? THAT'S God. Upholding you with His hand. Not ... never allowing you to be overtaken.

-Random post that I just wanted to share. I needed that reminder. That I have to stand on what I know. . who I know my creator to be. Present. Faithful. Loving. Caring.

Even when I feel like I cannot make it or won't make it. . He is still there and there is a purpose for everything that I have gone through and will go through. It's important to shift and ground your mindset.