Hearing the apology spill from Sidneyâs lips almost made Eden grin, merely because it was so painfully similar to the words her therapist had read to her during one of their exercises weeks prior to the dinner. But she refrained, knowing full well that Sidney read pretty far into body language, and she needed to not make things any harder for her.
     Instead, the blonde wore a kind smile, shaking her head. âFirst of all, you donât need to miss me. Iâm right here. Iâve always been here. I havenât gone anywhere, and donât plan to.â In the midst of Sidneyâs downward spirals, Eden often felt like she was caught in the eye of a hurricane. Everything around her was being torn apart, flung around. And there she sat. In the house sheâd lived in for years, doing the same things she always did. Sheâd said it before and it hadnât lost its meaning: Eden couldnât afford to fall apart. There was no time for her to pick up any new vices. She had Emmy to protect and take care of. Emmy grounded her, and kept her in the present. âAnd, for the record, you didnât always waste it,â she rationalized. âThere were so, so many times when youâve made me feel all of the love in the world.â Were there times where Eden felt the exact opposite? Of course. But she was a present-focused lady now.
      âI do appreciate that you said all of that,â she smiled, knowing how difficult it was for Sidney to speak her feelings at times. âAnd, honestly, I do miss you too. I miss how things used to be. But.. I think, even if it was possible to go back to how things used to be, I donât know if I would want them too. Weâve both been able to grow and learn so much on our own. I mean, I really did need all of the reality checks Iâve gotten through all of this. It was fucking awful in the moment, going through it all, but we both came out of it⊠literally capable of even having this conversation. We wouldâve never been able to have a conversation like this before. I wouldâve either gotten too pissed and big-headed and screamed and cried.. you wouldnât have known what to say..â Eden trailed off, sending a wink in Sidneyâs direction as she grinned. âAnd now weâre literally sitting and talking. This is probably the healthiest our relationshipâs been.â
       God, Sam and their therapist would be eating this up. âCan I also say.. that I really am sorry that I didnât paint the clearest picture in the world of Sam,â she giggled softly.
âI... I know. I know,â Sidney said with a melancholy nod. âAnd I donât plan on leaving again, I... Iâm renting a place right at the border of Ammon. Iâm looking at some houses near there, though.â She chewed the inside of her cheek. She knew it wasnât Edenâs decision where she lived but she torn between staying nearby or somewhere further. Not all the way across the country, though; just somewhere... drive-able, but not so close that it seemed intrusive. Sidney hadnât sent in her resumes yet, but she had contacted and connected to some people at the local hospitals and the university. She was waiting to see Eden before she made any permanent decisions, she didnât actually know what kind of answers she expected.Â
It was actually a little crushing to hear Eden mention highs of their relationship. Obviously she was trying to be nice about it, but didnât actually make Sidney feel better. The unpredictability, swinging back and forth between loving well and tearing it all down was one of the things that made Sidney feel the most guilty. Bringing their hopes up, trying to pretend that she was going to be okay and trying to rebuild trust only to demolish it over and over again. âI mean... I know there were good parts and Iâm so, so grateful you gave that to me. Iâd never known that feeling before. I-I-I guess what I meant to say was that I was callous for asking you to trust me after betraying it so many times.â She shook her head and looked down. âI can understand why itâs so exasperating to hear me say âIâm sorryâ.â
It did feel nice to hear Eden say that she missed her too, though. It scared her that Eden was secretly glad sheâd moved to New York, glad she was far away where she couldnât hurt her again. And maybe it was true to some extent, but she didnât know if that was real or not. She wasnât in Edenâs head and that was okay-- either way it was Edenâs decision to voice it and not Sidneyâs place to make paranoid assumptions. But she was right about never being able, wanting, even, to go back to the way things used to be. She was allowed to miss it, but she knew what they used to be wasnât healthy. âA-and thanks. I... I agree that coming out of everything w-was for the best; I mean, like you said, we would never have been able to... truly talk about things. I-I learned a lot,â she paused to nod and take a deep breath. âSince then. Bad things, good things... And I needed that. I never would have gotten that if things were the way they used to be.â
The doctor cleared her throat, glancing up at the darkening sky. The stars were growing clearer as the horizon consumed the sun. She sighed and bit her lip, her shoulders hunching as she crossed her arms. She waited a few moments before glancing back at Eden, though she merely turned toward her and looked at Edenâs hands in her lap rather than up at her face. âI just wanted to say-- and you donât need to say anything about it, Iâm not asking for reassurance-- but I still have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be back here. Y-you have Sam and Emmy-- even though the circumstances came as rather shocking to me-- so I-I-I... I donât want to bring back old memories, o-o-or cause issues with either of them because thatâs not fair to any of you. And again, you donât have to say itâs fine, or that itâs good that Iâm back-- unless you want to tell me that itâs not, of course-- but... I just wanted to... I donât know, I... I just wanted to say how I feel. Without expecting anything from it, just... being open,â she finished softly.