a little death

Je crois qu’il est trop tard Pour te dire que ca fait mal Mon coeur n’est plus comme avant Car il s’endort tout doucement

[lapetltemort]

flippityflofromprogressive‌:

          “That sounds shitty,” she winced, oblivious to the fact that she had witnessed the injury. Tucking a wavy strand of hair behind her ear, Eden then tapped her fingers lightly on her bent knees. This entire conversation was assisting in the blonde’s procrastination, avoiding the pregnancy tests that were nestled in her bag. Little sticks that were going to either help the blonde feel relieved enough to keep coping through the mess of her mind OR flip her life upside down again — then again, Kellen had already done that a few months ago. Perhaps her life turning upside down again would set things right in Eden’s world. It definitely worked that way. At least, that’s what she’d be telling herself.

          Eden glanced at her watch, feeling a tightening in her chest as time ticked on. She was due to see Jack soon, and she needed to get these tests done and out of the way. Another bright side of positive results: perhaps he’d be more careful with Eden. This would also probably be a valid excuse to cancel their nightly plans. At this point, Eden was starting to think a little too positively (pun intended).

          Her finger-tapping sped up a bit as she drew in a shaky breath, “so, um,” clearing her throat, Eden looked up at Sidney. “Can you keep a secret? Like, a big secret?” Of course, in addition to her obliviousness regarding Sidney’s injury, Eden was also entirely blind to the fact that she’d accidentally blown Sidney off too many times to count by that point. 

The dark blonde nodded and shrugged. “Who would I tell?” she responded dully. Of course she kept secrets. No one ever bothered asking her anyway. Even when they were secrets she probably shouldn’t have kept to herself. Maybe if she’d spoken up... but she couldn’t. It had felt like a betrayal to speak. And who? Who would she say something to? Maybe secrets were a bad idea, but Sidney wasn’t strong enough to give someone away. 

Sidney pulled herself from the door where she’d been glued for the last few minutes and approached Eden hesitantly. She lowered herself to the ground slowly, holding her healing arm across her chest. Legs tucked in, she mirrored the position Eden was in, including her posture. 

There was a moment of silence where she could tell Eden was still trying to muster the courage to speak, so she shifted her seating on the hard tiles and took a breath. “Ahem... Um, it’s almost healed, I can’t quite put weight on it yet.” Her voice came out in a whisper, almost afraid that actually speaking would scare Eden. “Um...” She reached her arm out, just as she did the last time they saw each other, gently brushing her fingertips against Eden’s forearm. “Eden... What’s wrong?

[lapetltemort]

hippityhop‌:

          Eden had been struck with tunnel vision, barely noticing anything other than what was directly in front of her. All she could think about was getting Sidney settled, then getting to Jack. She needed to find the boy urgently, to figure some sort of plan out. There was a spark of hope in the blonde’s chest that the two could work something out, even something as simple as Eden parking herself in his room and acting oblivious, like she’d not left the room hours earlier.

          Moving quickly, Eden grabbed the first thing in sight — a towel. Which, happened to be on Sidney’s roommate’s bed, but she didn’t care much. She could always come back tomorrow and help with the laundry if needed. She wrapped it around the other’s shoulders, “d’you want me to grab you some new clothes?”

Sidney sat on her bed, her head a whirlwind of alarm and confusion and concern. Eden was still flying around the room in a frenzy and it was making Sidney start to panic a bit more too. She shook her head to snap out of the daze she had started to sink into, then stood up. “N-no, that’s okay. J-jus-just, please, can you tell me what happened? Why did you run?”

She reached her uninjured arm out gently brushed her fingertips against Eden’s arm to slow her down. “S-sit down. Take... take a breath.”

[lapetltemort]

flippityflcp‌:

          Eden couldn’t help but smile at Sidney’s excitement, which did help ease her fears in the slightest bit. “Yeah,” she nodded, “yeah, it definitely would.” Time. Time would definitely help. Though, as Eden learned from the past, time also hurt. However, there was only one way to find out which would be the turn-out. It’s not just you, Eden. Her mother’s words echoed in her head in that moment, much as they had any other time Eden was about to make some Sidney-related decision. Before letting herself get overcome with the temptations of late-night texts to “check on” Sidney, phone calls to pretend things in her life weren’t so screwed up before Sam, and even the time she almost booked a flight to New York. She constantly had to remind herself that she wasn’t the only one her decisions were impacting.

          Despite Sidney’s well wishes, there was a sharp pain in Eden’s chest. Five years ago she never would’ve imagined a life with anyone other than Sidney, and now Sidney was congratulating her on a life with someone who was nearly the opposite of Sidney in every way. A small “thank you” left the blonde’s lips before she shook her head. “Oh, no, he’s fine. He’s used to unexpected turns. I’ve already broken a mirror in front of him,” she giggled, sending a wink Sidney’s way. “But, yeah, we can definitely do this again. And it’ll go a lot smoother,” Eden grinned. Hearing Sidney finally showing growth in recovery and admitting flaws, and apologizing — seeing the effort that Eden begged for a year ago — was so conflicting. There was a bit of hurt, and so many questions. But there was genuine happiness for the woman. “Do.. would it, um, be weird if I hugged you?”

Her mouth froze on its way to a smile as she stopped herself from lying-- lying to herself, mostly. Pulse elevating. Breath quickening. Sidney’s cheeks and neck began to blush and she held her breath for a few seconds to prevent herself from bolting. Eden’s touch. It used to be the only one Sidney allowed, aside from Emmy’s. The thought of it still stimulated some of the same physiological response, though now it also brought grief. It used to comfort her, and admittedly, it still would, but it was too soon-- Sidney had gotten used to the loss of that feeling, and to go through a small dose of that all over again was not something she was sure she could handle right now. She let her breath go and crossed her arms over her stomach protectively. “N-no, I-I--” she shook her head, her eyelids blinking quickly. “Sorry, I just... Maybe, ahem... maybe not yet,” she said softly. She rubbed one of her upper arms and turned her head. “Thank you, though. I... I appreciate the gesture.”

The dark blonde picked up her purse and set it in her lap. “Well, I’ll let you get back t-t-to... to him. I have a few things first, though.” She opened her bag and drew a gift-packaged bag of cookies, a coloring book, then a little, translucent pouch of tiny butterfly clips. “Um, I brought these for dessert,” she said, setting the cookies down on the balcony table. “And these for Emmy.” She placed the coloring book on the table, too, tracing the outline of the butterfly wings on the cover. “There’s... there are a lot of butterflies out in Portland right now,” she explained, her smile returning little by little. “And I found these little hair clips, too.” She poured a few of the tiny, intricately hand-decorated butterflies into her hand. “Apparently my mother used to buy similar ones from the same woman-- a shop near my house-- when I was little. I thought that was sweet. So, there’s more where that came from if she loses them.”

[lapetltemort]

flippityfloop‌:

          Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug, “nothing’s clean.” The statement left her lips in a soft tone, it was a fact that she’d accepted over the last couple of weeks. No matter how hard she tried, there was no nice and clean anymore. Everything around Eden seemed dull, lifeless, dirty — evil. Even her mind began mirroring the way she now perceived the world around her. Boarding school was a great independent learning experience.. just until you get wrapped up with the dark underbelly of it all. Many hadn’t any idea of its existence, but once Eden realized just how dark it got, she was in too deep. And now, she was suffering the consequences of her own cowardly actions.

          There was a wave of relief as Sidney seemed to make the decision to stay, though. For months all Eden wanted to do was be locked in a room, a l o n e. Even just sitting in class, surrounded by people, was enough to make the blonde want to crawl out of her skin. There was no more trust in anyone. Eden was merely surviving at that point. Which, did include attending class. Because if somehow her mother was notified of any poor behavior, Eden was just about as good as dead. Nobody was to mess with Josephine’s reputation.

          Blinking a few times, crawling out of her thoughts — which felt like a pool of quicksand lately — Eden attempted to plant herself in the present. “Your arm,” she spoke quietly, pointing the brace out much like small children pointed out the obvious. The obvious had slipped past the girl’s radar as of late. 

Sidney shrugged and nodded with only a slight movement. While Eden was right about nothing truly being clean, it seemed rather odd for her to point it out especially in the way she said it. 

She chewed her lip and looked down at her arm, now in a black brace after almost six weeks in a cast. She’d broken it that day, the last time they were at the lake and she slipped. It wasn’t just embarrassing-- she also wondered why Eden was so upset, and if she was upset with her. Afterwards, it seemed clear she had either made a bumbling fool out of herself or made Eden upset with her for making a scene within eye-shot of the other people at the lake that she seemed to know. Was Eden upset to be seen with her? Was it ruining her reputation? Sidney never actually considered that there was something deeper going on from Eden’s side of things, only coming up with reasons to blame herself. For not being good enough. 

“I... I fractured my radius and ulna,” she stated in a mumble. The bright student vaguely knew something was wrong by the time the pair had gotten back to her dorm. She waited until the next morning and self-assessed her symptoms: the pain levels, the swelling, her mobility. She’d never broken a bone before, though, for despite her relative lack of physical coordination, she was a very cautious child. She never climbed trees or participated in many sports when she was younger-- her mother put her in tennis lessons, but she gave up almost immediately. Regardless, Sidney learned a few things in her anatomy class, and she went to the school nurse the day after the incident, who sent her to the hospital with a faculty member to get x-rayed and put in a cast.

[lapetltemort]

devilskissgoodnight‌:

“I keep swallowing my pride, but it makes its way to the surface, memories on repeat, songs I can’t quite remember the words of, simply the sound of your humming, your smile a blurry memory, your face a reminder of everything shoved into the box labeled “DO NOT OPEN” as if the letters written in capital will prevent the inevitable. Silent “I love you’s” spoken through eyes I no longer remember the color of when looking at the sun, simply written off as green somethings. Forevers turned into for now, and for now turned into the past, love has never felt more heartbreaking, but what hurts most is wondering if you have forgotten me, knowing you probably have, since you were the one to leave, and me grasping on to the memories was not enough to keep parts of you. Like the way your eyes went soft when I got upset, knowing it was special, but not quite remembering what soft looks like. Or the sound of your breathing or you laugh, what hurts is knowing just how much I loved you, but not being able to remember the way it felt. What hurts the most is forgetting you, forgetting me.”

— Forget me not

@flippityflcp​

[devilskissgoodnight]

“And then something that I thought had died years ago, began to blossom. As if telling me it was time to finally live again. My body felt lighter, and what once had been fragile, once again felt strong. The thoughts that once brought the darkest nights, had suddenly vanished. My mind had begun the process of healing. Along with it, my body. And suddenly there was once again hope, of a life spent on living, rather than existing. Reminded of who had once been, the memory no longer a chill down my spine. No, now it was letting out a breath, a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. Now it was not a reminder of who I once was, but also who I once again could become. As if a seed had been planted within my chest, hope grew. And then something that I thought had died years ago, began to blossom”

— It is time to live again

[devilskissgoodnight]

This heart of mine, these pieces Every edge, now cutting into flesh Bears quite the resemblance Of the shattered plate I dropped at the age of three Or the beer bottle that cut me at age fifteen  I try my best to piece it back together But no glue in the world can make it whole As it once was As was I Every piece tells its own story Sadly all pieces tell a story of you I look at the sun, reminded of summer days that once were And your smile that would melt a heart as cold as the devil’s A smile that brought warmth of what felt like a thousand burning suns But no longer, can I find beauty in the light of day Knowing it can strip one bare, leave one as broken As it has me Instead I find comfort in the company of the moon And the night’s quiet whispers of an eternity And the forever that only ever exists in dreams These days my hands are always cold The way they used to be before you A cold I never seemed to mind Till the very first time you held my hand

You taught me: As gentle as love can be, it can be just as cruel; If the one you love, stops loving you. (via devilskissgoodnight)

@flippityflcp

[flippityflcp]

          It had been maybe a two months since the night things changed for Eden. After two weeks of letting the physical wounds heal, she finally stopped isolating herself entirely. The cold weather was a kind excuse to dress a little extra covered up. Getting back into the routine of going to class was nice, seeing other humans was nice. However, Eden wasn’t the same.

          There was something about watching someone she’d grown up with become an entirely different person. A rather terrifying version of himself, at a time where she’d wished he’d done the opposite.They always spoke about breaking away from their toxic friend groups and being themselves. It was a fantasy, as actually doing so was practically asking for the most ruthless sides of their friends.

          However, as Eden sat on the floor of the bathroom, waiting for the courage to arise to take the five pregnancy tests she’d purchased, she felt that perhaps even the cruelest side of Jenna’s wrath over Eden leaving their group would be more bearable.

          Eden had parked herself in one of the bathrooms of the Honors Dorms, wanting to make sure that none of her friends had even the slightest chance of finding her. What she didn’t take into consideration was the age of the building. Had she been thinking more clearly, she would’ve pushed the lock on the door until she heard a loud click, because as it turned out: the door was not locked. But the person who opened it wasn’t exactly the worse case scenario.

          Tired eyes gazed up at the familiar girl, who was seconds from leaving the bathroom immediately upon realizing someone else was in the room. “You could stay,” Eden spoke softly, though she was more or less asking. Sidney’s brief presence almost offered a touch of comfort, bringing the blonde back to a time before everything had been ruined. “If you wanted.”

@lapetltemort​

[lapetltemort]

The sight of the girl who had flat-out ignored and actively avoided her hit Sidney with a gust of shame, and she stiffly whirled around to return from the way in which she came. Her hand without a wrist brace was on the door handle when Eden addressed her, for the first time in months. She didn’t move for a few seconds, but after a moment her hand dropped to her side. The girl turned and leaned her back against the door, her gaze cast down to the floor a few feet from where Eden sat. 

“I don’t think the floor is very clean,” she remarked blandly. Sidney was wary to engage, in complete ambivalence as to whether or not she was going to stay. The embarrassment of being completely ghosted left her feeling exceedingly worse about herself. As if anyone would want her to stick around. Why did Eden want her to stay now? She was the one that abandoned her in the first place. She’d gotten over it maybe a month ago, after many unreturned waves and snubbed hellos, as if they’d ever had so much as a conversation, as if she didn’t even exist. At a point she’d stomached the realization that she truly was terrible to hang out with-- boring, aloof, irrelevant, burdensome. What could she possibly have to offer in a friendship? She’d worried from the beginning that Eden was faking being nice to her, but the feeling had begun to fade the more time they spent together. Still, she couldn’t help but notice how dodgy Eden was about certain things, how she avoided being seen with Sidney by other people.

The blonde on the floor looked like she’d had the life sucked out of her. What was she doing on the floor? In the honors’ dorm bathroom, no less. Even underneath her drained, colorless face, Sidney could sense the same kind fear Eden had had that last night when they got back to her dorm after abruptly fleeing from the lake. Sidney let her shoulders loosen and sighed softly through her nose, finally lifting her gaze slightly.

[lapetltemort]

flippitycripp‌:

          “That’s awesome,” she grinned. It was nice that Sidney was really seeming to have gotten herself together, even if only just a bit so far. Progress was progress. The months and months of therapy had been somehow insanely beneficial for Eden. Who would’ve thought that the therapist would enjoy therapy? Not Eden. However, it seemed like Sidney wasn’t having the same though process as Eden ⁠— Sidney didn’t pack her rose-colored glasses. “I’m not perfect either, Sidney,” she shrugged. Surely, Eden hadn’t done the things that Sidney had, but the woman was the first to admit her own flaws. “I’ve been naive, selfish, impulsive, self-righteous… I mean, I couldn’t even commit to a grocery shopping schedule before the last five years. I could’ve definitely worked a hell of a lot harder to make you feel more secure and more supported through the hard stuff. And I’m sorry, for all of that. There’s plenty of things we could sit here and dwell on and pick apart. That doesn’t mean we should. Picking at old wounds’ll only cause a mess.”

             Hearing Sidney’s admission caused a tinge of sadness burn in her chest, something that she wasn’t sure had happened in too long. Despite everything that had been said and done, Eden still cared deeply for Sidney. More than she’d admit to anyone. And even the mere idea of the other feeling undeserving of something so simple could’ve brought the blonde to tears if she let it. “I’m pretty sure… that this is where I’d tell someone that this is where they could start working on their flaws,” she started softly, “and because I think you deserve to be back after how hard you’ve worked to get here, I could definitely start working on that security thing.” Eden offered a small, dimpled smile, “because regardless of what’s going on here in my life, you can still be here. For what it’s worth, this whole dinner thing was entirely his idea. He and his son come from a pretty broken home, one that’s past its fixing, so he’s… he’s definitely scared some sense into me there. But, nonetheless, I’d love nothing more than to see you keep making progress and growing and doing so well in life. And, it’ll definitely take some time, but I do want you in Emmy’s life… if that’s something you want. Because that does come with a lot of attitude and tantrums,” she laughed. Eden could feel a weight lifting from her shoulders as the words left her lips, though there was still one more weight holding her back. It was the weight of her fear, which whisper malicious thoughts into her ear about letting the woman too close again, despite what had been said.

“Yes!” An enormous sigh took all the oxygen out of Sidney’s lungs as her whole body seemed to calm. “Yes. I... I was going to ask that as well. I-I-I-I mean maybe... taking it slow w-w-would be a good idea? For her, for me... for all of us.” Her eyes flicked up to Eden’s face now, trying to sense the feeling behind Eden’s words-- definitely some gladness, but still perhaps a bit of worry. For good reason, Sidney knew, and it didn’t mean Eden didn’t want that. It just meant what Sidney already knew she needed to do: work towards trust, though it would be harder than before when Eden usually ended up granting her the benefit of the doubt. But like she said, it was work that was to be done on both ends. It was a lot of pressure to feel like this was it, this was the last chance. This was the most work Sidney had ever put in before, but there was still so much of it left. After coming so far, she couldn’t afford to fuck it all up. Of course, she needed to remind herself to show self-compassion, and that there was a difference between self-compassion and self-pity. 

She kept her gaze on Eden as she nodded, a grateful smile trembling across her lips. She took a shaky breath, her eyes tearing up. She didn’t need to cry, though, she just needed to feel that swell of emotion. “I... I’m happy for you,” she whispered softly. “You deserve... someone who sticks around. Who invited me to dinner.” She closed her eyes, finally breaking her gaze. She shrugged and tilted her head, a sleuth flicker of shame forcing her to purse her lips. “I... I don’t know if I can--” she shook her head and coughed into her fist. “Ahem. I... I’m not sure that I can say I’m... I’m happy for Sam, yet. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not jealous, and that I know he deserves you, but... That’s mostly because I don’t know him yet. And I hope... I hope it’s less...” She ran her tongue over her teeth. “Less uncomfortable, to start. I hope you’ll let him know that I didn’t intend for everything to go... the way it did.” A smile crept its way back onto her face, a wry one this time. “I’d like to maybe have a do-over if he’s open to it.” The tired woman stifled a yawn and looked up at the stars that were starting to grow brighter. “Uhm,” she wiped underneath her eyes, starting from the the inner corners. “And... I just wanted to acknowledge, um, concur with the... the flaws bit.” A soft laugh fell between her words. “There’s a lot left for me to work on, but a lot of it isn’t something I can do alone, it has to do with, well, people. Specific people, obviously, but also just.. people in general.” She smiled sweetly, her eyes soft as they returned to the sky.

[lapetltemort]

fcukingbitch‌:

          Panic rushed through her veins, the blonde was trembling violently from fear as she glanced back at the duo out on the dock. Now out of sight, the uncertainty of the situation now settled in. “I-I, um.. they’re…” she stammered, more tears pouring down her cheeks. She knew the things that Kellen had done. The boy had no limits, and none of their friends were courageous enough to even try stopping him in any way. “He’s going to t-tell him, and then he’s —” Eden’s stammering was cut off by a cough and a fit of sobs. After a few moments of sobs and gasps for air, Eden cupped her face in her hands. A few deep breaths later, she had managed to shove the panic aside for a moment — just like she would do at home. Shove her own emotions and feelings aside to care for her siblings. She could feel later.

          “We need to get you to your room,” she spoke somewhat clearly. “And changed. But, um, I’m on a little bit of a time crunch now, so let’s go.”

Sidney nodded with wide eyes, her dilated pupils black holes in the center of hazel irises. “U-um, y-y-yeah, okay,” she responded in a breathy voice as she caught up to Eden’s rapid pace. Her feet were leaded down with water and her footprints were puddles when they finally reached the pavement of the lamp-lit campus. Her fingers were starting to lose their feeling.

They finally approached the entrance to Sidney’s dormitory and she stopped. Tiny splats pinged softly in the empty grounds, her coat dripping as she searched for her key card in her pocket. She passed it along into Eden’s hands, avoiding looking at her because of how disconcerting it was to see Eden’s usually cool, playful face instead overcome with muted panic and seriousness. She wriggled out of her sodden jacket, a cascade of tingling shooting down her left arm down to her fingertips. Her forearm twinged as she tried to wring out as much water out of her jacket as she could, and she clenched her jaw to keep letting a sharp gasp escape her lips.

[lapetltemort]

flipflop‌:

          Hearing the apology spill from Sidney’s lips almost made Eden grin, merely because it was so painfully similar to the words her therapist had read to her during one of their exercises weeks prior to the dinner. But she refrained, knowing full well that Sidney read pretty far into body language, and she needed to not make things any harder for her.

          Instead, the blonde wore a kind smile, shaking her head. “First of all, you don’t need to miss me. I’m right here. I’ve always been here. I haven’t gone anywhere, and don’t plan to.” In the midst of Sidney’s downward spirals, Eden often felt like she was caught in the eye of a hurricane. Everything around her was being torn apart, flung around. And there she sat. In the house she’d lived in for years, doing the same things she always did. She’d said it before and it hadn’t lost its meaning: Eden couldn’t afford to fall apart. There was no time for her to pick up any new vices. She had Emmy to protect and take care of. Emmy grounded her, and kept her in the present. “And, for the record, you didn’t always waste it,” she rationalized. “There were so, so many times when you’ve made me feel all of the love in the world.” Were there times where Eden felt the exact opposite? Of course. But she was a present-focused lady now.

          “I do appreciate that you said all of that,” she smiled, knowing how difficult it was for Sidney to speak her feelings at times. “And, honestly, I do miss you too. I miss how things used to be. But.. I think, even if it was possible to go back to how things used to be, I don’t know if I would want them too. We’ve both been able to grow and learn so much on our own. I mean, I really did need all of the reality checks I’ve gotten through all of this. It was fucking awful in the moment, going through it all, but we both came out of it… literally capable of even having this conversation. We would’ve never been able to have a conversation like this before. I would’ve either gotten too pissed and big-headed and screamed and cried.. you wouldn’t have known what to say..” Eden trailed off, sending a wink in Sidney’s direction as she grinned. “And now we’re literally sitting and talking. This is probably the healthiest our relationship’s been.”

             God, Sam and their therapist would be eating this up. “Can I also say.. that I really am sorry that I didn’t paint the clearest picture in the world of Sam,” she giggled softly.

“I... I know. I know,” Sidney said with a melancholy nod. “And I don’t plan on leaving again, I... I’m renting a place right at the border of Ammon. I’m looking at some houses near there, though.” She chewed the inside of her cheek. She knew it wasn’t Eden’s decision where she lived but she torn between staying nearby or somewhere further. Not all the way across the country, though; just somewhere... drive-able, but not so close that it seemed intrusive. Sidney hadn’t sent in her resumes yet, but she had contacted and connected to some people at the local hospitals and the university. She was waiting to see Eden before she made any permanent decisions, she didn’t actually know what kind of answers she expected. 

It was actually a little crushing to hear Eden mention highs of their relationship. Obviously she was trying to be nice about it, but didn’t actually make Sidney feel better. The unpredictability, swinging back and forth between loving well and tearing it all down was one of the things that made Sidney feel the most guilty. Bringing their hopes up, trying to pretend that she was going to be okay and trying to rebuild trust only to demolish it over and over again. “I mean... I know there were good parts and I’m so, so grateful you gave that to me. I’d never known that feeling before. I-I-I guess what I meant to say was that I was callous for asking you to trust me after betraying it so many times.” She shook her head and looked down. “I can understand why it’s so exasperating to hear me say ‘I’m sorry’.”

It did feel nice to hear Eden say that she missed her too, though. It scared her that Eden was secretly glad she’d moved to New York, glad she was far away where she couldn’t hurt her again. And maybe it was true to some extent, but she didn’t know if that was real or not. She wasn’t in Eden’s head and that was okay-- either way it was Eden’s decision to voice it and not Sidney’s place to make paranoid assumptions. But she was right about never being able, wanting, even, to go back to the way things used to be. She was allowed to miss it, but she knew what they used to be wasn’t healthy. “A-and thanks. I... I agree that coming out of everything w-was for the best; I mean, like you said, we would never have been able to... truly talk about things. I-I learned a lot,” she paused to nod and take a deep breath. “Since then. Bad things, good things... And I needed that. I never would have gotten that if things were the way they used to be.”

The doctor cleared her throat, glancing up at the darkening sky. The stars were growing clearer as the horizon consumed the sun. She sighed and bit her lip, her shoulders hunching as she crossed her arms. She waited a few moments before glancing back at Eden, though she merely turned toward her and looked at Eden’s hands in her lap rather than up at her face. “I just wanted to say-- and you don’t need to say anything about it, I’m not asking for reassurance-- but I still have a hard time feeling like I deserve to be back here. Y-you have Sam and Emmy-- even though the circumstances came as rather shocking to me-- so I-I-I... I don’t want to bring back old memories, o-o-or cause issues with either of them because that’s not fair to any of you. And again, you don’t have to say it’s fine, or that it’s good that I’m back-- unless you want to tell me that it’s not, of course-- but... I just wanted to... I don’t know, I... I just wanted to say how I feel. Without expecting anything from it, just... being open,” she finished softly.

[lapetltemort]

flippy-ki-yay-ki-yo‌:

          The splash felt like a kick in her shins. Eden stopped, painfully torn between not going against all of her recent actions, but also not getting caught. There were consequences to both. One had significantly more terrifying consequences, but the other would hurt her heart a little more.

          “Fuck me,” she huffed under her breath, already feeling hot tears rolling down her cheeks as the distance laughter stopped. Eden turned, quickly pulling Sidney away from the water and helping her onto her feet, further away from the mud. “I’m right behind you. I’ve got you. Please, just hurry.”

The frigid, almost icy mix of mud and lake water soaked her pants, shoes, and parts of her jacket as she fell on her knees. Sidney breathed a soft “ah” before looking up at Eden. With wide eyes, she let Eden yank her off of the ground and scampered after the other girl back in the direction they had come. She looked behind her shoulder a few times, realizing the people some meters away from them were probably the reason Eden freaked out.

“Sorry, s-s-sorry, I’m so, so sorry!” Sidney exclaimed in a hush tone. She hunched her shoulders over, her body beginning to tremble more violently as her freezing clothes soaked her deeper to the bone. “Wh-what happened?”

[lapetltemort]

floozy(yaisaidit)‌:

          Sidney’s question was something Eden somehow expected, yet still caught her the teeniest bit off guard. Initially she responded with a small shrug of her shoulders, but before any words left her mouth, Eden heard something that stopped her dead in her tracks. 

          Laughter. Laughter that came from somewhere across the lake. It wouldn’t have been a big deal at all, had Eden not recognized the laugh. It was the laugh that belonged to one of her other best friends, and one quick glance at the source of the sound showed that Natalie wasn’t alone. Her boyfriend was with her, or more specifically, Jack’s best friend. Either of them seeing Eden with anyone other than Jack in that moment would cause the pot to stir in a way that neither the blonde nor Jack were anywhere near capable of handling.

          “We have to go,” she spoke quickly, spinning around on her heels and heading back toward the dorms. She almost grabbed Sidney’s hand, but the burning of the pure fear inside of her chest had blinded Eden from any sort of kindness. Her mind couldn’t fathom anything at that moment other than the consequences of her carelessness. She and Jack had a system worked out. This late night escapade went against every single one of the rules they made up, so to not get caught. 

Sidney slowed to a stop at the abrupt shift in Eden’s entire being-- her posture, her eyes, everything about the way she had carried herself the entire evening. She had the look of a startled deer, and she took off just as quickly, too. Sidney hesitated before starting after the other girl, then hurried after her. “Where are we going?” she inquired with a hint of disappointment.

 The icy mud beneath Sidney’s boot slid, and she was propelled sideways toward the edge of the lake. A few stumbling steps intended to restore her balance sent her toppling into the dark water instead, and she gasped before a squeak escaped her vocal chords. Her fall didn’t make too significant of a splash, but it wasn’t all too quiet either.

[lapetltemort]

blippityblop‌:

          “Outside’s fine,” Eden nodded, though she knew well enough that there was likely no other option. With the ball of emotions that she was, there wasn’t a single doubt in her mind that the conversation would eventually lead to WATERFALLS coming from her eyes, and she didn’t want Sam or Emmy to walk downstairs to witness something of that sort. The evening was already strange enough, they didn’t need anything more.

          Eden headed toward the door to the back patio, sliding it open for Sidney to walk out first. Before she followed the other woman out, there were two faint laughs echoing down the steps —   giggles of Sam and Emmy, who were no doubt having much more fun than she as in that very moment. Giggles, that were enough to remind her that she was happy. The blonde had quite the habit of regressing when times got tough, which was why she tended to forgive and forget any issues between herself and Sidney. She was always crawling back, no matter whose fault it was. It was something her new couples’ therapist had brought to her attention, something that she and Sam had talked about plenty. It was part of the reason that having Sidney over was almost entirely Sam’s idea. Eden needed to be reminded that she was strong enough to not immediately crawl to whatever brought her comfort at one point in time, despite the uncertainty and blatant lack of comfort in the current situation.

             The sun was just starting to set, causing the sky to glow a pretty orange, pink, and purple mess. She set down, letting out a slightly shaky breath. “So, um,” Eden cleared her throat, shoulders lifting in a small shrug, “where do.. where does this even start?”

Too anxious to sit down, Sidney paced a few steps and turned away from her ex-wife. She wrung her hands, looking directly at the setting sun as if the shock of intentionally blinding herself might momentarily numb the thoughts stampeding through her brain. It kind of worked, actually, and she took that moment to slow her breathing before finally turning around. 

“Um... I-I don’t know. I-I suppose I’ll just... As they come...” she trailed off in a tight voice. She blinked hard, her vision finally returning to normal and she looked Eden in the eyes, knowing that everything would hit her and she might be able to speak. In all the work she’d done at rehab, it was always the vision of Eden’s inviting, vibrant, blue eyes that let the emotions spill out. Their relationship brought out something in Sidney that she didn’t know where to find anywhere else, and the loss of it left her feeling emptier than she’d felt before they’d met. 

“I missed you,” she said. “I... miss you.” Sidney covered her mouth with her hand. “And I’m not saying that t-to make you ups-set. I’m just saying it because that’s... that’s how I feel.” She sat down finally, facing forward instead of looking at Eden when she continued speaking. “I miss what we used to be and--” she shook her head. “--it’s not something that I can ever get back, I know that. The way I acted before I left, it was disrespectful a-and mean and unfair to you. I was selfish, and I had no reason to be. You gave and you gave and I... I didn’t truly take it in. I... I wasted it-- y-your love.” She wasn’t crying, not yet, but at the word “love”, her nostrils flared as she clenched her jaw tightly to hold in the sob that would undoubtedly hinder her ability to continue.

[lapetltemort]

flappybirdlookinass‌:

          “I’m a camp counselor, so if you slip and do fall in, I’m inclined to save your ass,” she teased, laughing softly as she spoke. “However, I’m sure the water’s cold enough to make you leap out of there faster than you fell in, so let’s maybe just take every precaution so you don’t freeze to death.”

          The silence of the night mixed with the soft chirping of crickets, and cars zooming down the nearby highway, filled the air as the two neared the lake. Once they were roughly twenty feet away, Eden instantly slowed until she was behind Sidney. She placed her hands on the other’s shoulders and moved her onto the side of herself that was further from the water. “Already forgot, huh?” 

Sidney’s breath quickened as she resisted the urge to freeze under Eden’s hands, her feet shuffling clumsily as she followed the other girl’s guidance. A shudder ran down her body anyway, shaking off the uneasy feeling that followed unexpected physical contact. She laughed nervously and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Y-yeah, um, thanks... You might’ve saved me from a trip to the nurse, huh?” A real smile formed on her face as she might actually be making her first friend at school, despite being many months in. She wondered why Eden cared. She admired her. She might be friends with a bully, but at least she had the self-awareness to not behave the same way. 

It was uncharacteristically bold of her to ask something so direct, but Sidney’s curiosity outpaced her reticence and she blurted, “Why would you want to... hang out with me?” She slowed her pace, taken aback by her own exclamation. “I just... I’m not, um... I’m not very friendly.” 

[lapetltemort]

bellagothisawhore:

          “Oh, thanks,” Eden spoke, genuine shock in her voice. “I like to think that I’m already pretty adult-y, or at least as much as I can be, but it’s tough getting thrown back and forth between being the mom sister and then being mom-ed by my mother.” And boy, did Josephine Mayer MOM. “Yes, the song,” she laughed, “just your cousin? Not you? ABBA has plenty of jams for any life situation. Take my word for it.”

             There was one head nod, “yes, the lake. I hope you’re not too jumpy, the frogs do their spastic ‘oh shit a predator’ thing and jump into the water right next to you thing a lot, so please don’t fall in. That sounds like a mess and a half.” 

“Adult-y...” Sidney echoed under her breath, her nose wrinkling a little bit. Emily certainly tried to “mother”, Sidney supposed. Sidney knew the biological, evolutionary role that mothers were supposed to fill-- nurturing and holding their child, modeling behavior, providing emotional support, to name a few things. But Sidney didn’t like to be held, in most cases. Sidney didn’t often share her emotions with Emily, as it was difficult for even herself to sort out. She was getting better, though. It took practice, misunderstandings, tantrums, even. Sidney often felt as though she had let her mother down as a child, but she tried her best to make up for it by being a perfectionist at everything else she did. 

She missed most of what Eden had said while she’d been caught up in her head about family matters, but she flinched and flipped her attention back to the other girl when she said “jumpy” and “frogs”. “O-oh dear... I, um, I am a bit clumsy,” she bumbled, her face flushing. “I’ll do my best, though. M-Maybe you should hold onto me.” She paused and laughed awkwardly. “Or I sh-should just walk on the other s-s-side of you.”

[lapetltemort]

drippitydrop:

               The word ‘sorry’ was one that had left Sidney’s lips while speaking to Eden way too many times, and the meaning truly did fade. However, Eden wasn’t sure if Sidney knew when exactly it faded. Which happened to be the second time that Sidney had shown up drunk at her door. None of that mattered now though, because this wasn’t a time where an apology was warranted.

            “Sam?” The man’s name fell from Eden’s lips just after Sidney spoke, almost without any thought as Eden was pulled from the sea of thoughts that she was practically drowning in. “Sam, right. He’s… yeah, he’s not an idiot. Um, bath time’s gonna take probably half an hour, then her other bedtime stuff will take another half an hour. He took her on purpose,” Eden shook her head, an undeniable smile on her lips as she was remembering a few of the reasons to why she liked Sam. Her mind had been to scattered and blurry that evening, too much so to even think about anything other than the storm brewing. Blinking quickly and putting a kind smile on her lips to try to show that Eden wasn’t getting lost in her own thoughts again, “so we’ve got… more than enough time.”

Even if the look had passed in only a matter of seconds, Sidney could see the reaction on Eden’s face when she mentioned Sam. The knife that had stabbed her chest the second Eden had opened the door the first time twisted just a little bit, and she drew in a sharp breath. Still, Eden asked her to stay. Stay. That was another word that held so much weight. Eden had every reason to say what she did, to say that that if Sidney didn’t stay, she worried about how long it would be until they saw each other again. Sidney had always run away. From her parents, from Eden and Emmy, from her problems... These were the things she was trying to change, though. Running away wasn’t going to be her go-to anymore. Drinking wasn’t her go-to anymore.

She was going to stay. She’d dreaded this conversation for so long, even though she wanted it more than anything. The dread wasn’t as bad suddenly, though. Now that she was here, it didn’t seem as impossible as it had for the last year. Sidney cleared her throat, squaring her shoulders. “That’s... That’s very considerate of him,” she said, mustering up a smile, though it was rather melancholy. “Um... Do you want to go sit outside, or something?”