âEverything is a struggle. Everything is a miracle.â
Iâve been woefully neglectful of my various internet endeavors recently, particularly my active practice of gratitude. My slacking off could be attributed to any number of things, from serious to silly and anywhere in between: being caught up in the whirlwind of getting a show off the ground, trying to rely on an increasingly unreliable laptop, feeling self-conscious about my online âpresence,â working to focus on embodied experiences rather than constantly taking mental notes, readjusting to an academic work week, getting distracted by Emmys dresses when I should be writing, etc etc etc.Â
But if I really stop to think about it, I know that one factor has affected my projects and productivity more than anything else--my mental health. This is unfortunate (to say the least), as the main reason I started many of these projects was to better my mental health by improving my habits of mindfulness and positivity!
Well, the best laid plans, and all that. Iâll readily admit that Iâm still learning how to most successfully manage the workings of my own brain chemistry. My current diagnosis and treatment plan havenât even been a part of my life for a full year. Itâs a process, and sometimes it feels utterly overwhelming. Sometimes it feels utterly hopeless. Sometimes it feels like stepping out into blinding sunlight after hours in the dark.
(Everything is a struggle. Everything is a miracle.)
It can be a vicious cycle. When youâre feeling wretched, itâs often difficult to dredge up the willpower to do anything, let alone things that require thoughtfulness and careâeven if those are the very things that will, ultimately, help you move through the wretchedness. The less attention you pay to beneficial habits, the lower you can dip, and so the spiral worsens.
Itâs also enormously disheartening when the wretchedness seems so all-consumingâthe workings of your own brain chemistry so unmanageable--that no matter what you do, you canât ever truly fight back. Thereâs really no adequate way to articulate the acute, intensely specific pain and frustration of being at war with your own mind.
But that doesnât mean Iâm going to stop trying to fight back. So Iâm working to refocus, reorient, resettle. Iâm thinking of Anne Lamottâs words on gratitude, and how it can open our eyes to âthe kindness that surrounds us, the love we are being shown, the hope that now makes sense.â Iâm doing my best to be gentle with myself while still pushing every day to be more engaged, more productive, more committed.
Itâs a process. Iâm in process. But Iâm still here.
