Napoleonic War Survival Tips for the French Army
1. Don’t refer to Marshal Murat’s uniform as “peacock wear” within earshot of him.
2. When Napoleon pulls out a map, don’t ask, “Are we lost?”
3. If your cannonball doesn’t quite reach the enemy lines, just blame the wind. Or Berthier.
4. Don’t accidentally toast “To King Louis” at an officers’ dinner. Ever.
5. Avoid playing cards with Marshal Lannes – unless you enjoy losing your entire month’s pay.
6. Foraging in enemy territory: Always ask what’s in the stew before you eat it.
7. If you’re sent to negotiate peace, don’t open with, “Our emperor said this would be easy.”
8. During winter campaigns, remember: snowballs do not replace musket balls.
9. Don’t try to outdo Napoleon in recalling historical battles. You’ll lose.
10. If Napoleon is inspecting the troops, resist the urge to ask, “Is it true you’re shorter than Murat?”
11. Never, under any circumstances, suggest that Wellington’s redcoats “don’t look so tough.”
12. If Marshal Ney orders a charge, just assume it’s going to last until nightfall.
13. Do not ask Marshal Davout if his nickname Iron Marshal comes from his cooking.
14. If your bayonet charge fails, remember: retreat is just “advancing in the opposite direction.”
15. If someone says “This mission is simple,” expect nothing but complications.
16. In case of defeat, remember: it’s always the Austrians’ fault. Even if they aren’t there.
17. During peace negotiations, “bombing their latrines” is not considered a formal strategy.
18. If you happen to capture a British officer, refrain from gloating by saying, “See you in Paris!”
19. When bivouacked near rivers, don’t bet on crossing without some form of disaster.
20. Finally, do not point the cannons at the Emperor’s tent, even as a joke. Especially not as a joke.
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