harpocrates' roses

'We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.'

[late-night-ruminations]

to the boy who owned my heart

remember that night, when you were sitting on my chair grey eyes hooded in the desk lamp light and i was pacing circles into the dirty carpeted floor with fear-choked words humming in my throat

and you got me to tell you i loved you god, i'll never forget the way you kissed me that night

the problem of us are these Icarian tendencies within our Solarian lives a reeling kind of love that leaves you too afraid of hurting yourself  and me too tired of losing myself, yet another time

so here's to a summer of growing up and untangling hearts forgone lovers shouldn't keep us forever trapped within our own minds because how will we ever live if we're too afraid to love ourselves when Love keeps slipping through our grips

[late-night-ruminations]

the night i tried to kill myself

can you look, look into my eyes past these smiling walls of tedious expectation i just need someone to see the frustration, suffocation, the utter desperation because i’m sitting on 3 a.m. bathroom floors with vodka on my left and this sweet, sweet demise to the right and i can feel that maybe tonight's the night

femme fatale, she's crawling down my throat 1...2...3...4...5...

i woke up this morning with an empty bottle and a half-dissolved temptress stuck to my palm i couldn't figure out what had made me stop

[late-night-ruminations]

the strings of ‘no-strings attached’

i can’t even remember when this whole fiasco started

was it October? when you reached out to me in the middle of a churning night

since then, we’ve been stumbling through these dim-lit halls of Uncertainty

you keep claiming you know the way, but these turns you’ve been taking

keep me second guessing, i’m sure i’ve seen those issues a few months before

because we’re just friends, and we’re just fucking

but you know the line between lovin’ and fuckin’ is real damn thin

and we’re wild horses, just wild horses marking paths in Sahara nights

you’ve got quite a prance going on

say one thing, act one way, then claim another

do i need to remind you that i can’t dance? so tell me

why do you miss me like i’m a fixture in your head

why do you hold my hand when you’re figuring out all I’ve left unsaid

why do you tell me you love me when you’re lying in my bed

so i guess this is me telling you that the L-word is off-limits when it comes to us

because you keep driving it into the deepest crevices of me

imprinting whispers within oxytocin-filled dreams 

and then laughing it off when the lights turn on

see i keep fallin’, i’m a mess when it comes to you, and i’d be lyin’

if i said i never needed you, cuz i'm barely breathing

through all these strings of ‘no-strings attached’

and see, you’re not my ‘stand-in man’

i just think you don’t appreciate the neatly wrapped me in your hands

but this is me saying you can’t have the L-word package

without carrying my R-word baggage

so don’t bother with plastic affections, i’m trynna keep my heart out of this

don’t bother, it seems the L-word doesn’t mean what it used to be

don’t bother, it seems the L-word isn’t worth what it used to be

[late-night-ruminations]

test driving hearts

i’ve got this disease in my brain

at least that’s what i’ve been hearing people say

my mind’s been churning, my stomach’s been whirling

and my heart’s been twirling, brazenly

i’ve been staring into space, with the smallest grin on my face

my mother asked me if i was high (yeah, i feel like i’m high)

my friends, they don’t like you much

telling me i’m making a mistake, that you’re gonna walk away

but i’m happy, it’s been a while since i’ve felt this happy

and baby, i’d hate to see you leave

but — it’s got me blushin’ but — i gotta say

i love it when you walk away (damn, that view’s got me

wolf-whistling from a part two hands down from under my heart)

you see

you’ve always said i love you

and i’m always thinking i’m in love with you 

(there’s a difference, if you didn’t know)

then you got me into this daze, went drag racing through my veins

hey, i’m only asking for a friend, but you wanna test drive? maybe give this a try?

[late-night-ruminations]

the dirty aftermath of waking up

regret. she’s a crazy, twisted little thing isn’t she, Regret

because you knew me well enough to know

the kenopsia of morning would hurt me, break me, once again

and you were right, it seems like you always are

i don’t even know myself as well as you do

regret, i don’t regret you and i don’t regret last night

i came into Turmoil knowing what i wanted, i wanted you

and now i’ve gotten everything i asked for, gluttony overwhelms me

i just didn’t realise that i wanted so much more

regret, i don’t regret giving you last night, a part of me

the opia of a first that i can never take back

my mother would be so disappointed if she knew, my Future will he

but i’d be lying to myself if i say that i don’t want this again

regret, i do regret that i can’t control this heart, it’s just a muscle after all

because my mind’s screaming at me to let go before i cry

but it seems a little late for that

i’m paralyzed gripping live wires, writhing in pain

i think i’m in love.

and i regret that i’ll never be to you who i want to be

and that you’ll mean too much to me than you ever wanted to mean

so yeah, i didn’t lie when i said i wouldn’t regret last night

but i do regret loving you 

[late-night-ruminations]

tsunami

2004: one wave

my god it disgusts me, the narcissism of comparing hearts to lives

i hope you’ll excuse me, i just don’t know how else to show you the feeling

of losing everything, rebuilding, prayin’ it’s the last time while knowing 

over, and over, and overandoverandoveragain

so here i am, birthing brick walls in carnage, i wonder if you’re doing so too

or if you even had destruction wrecked upon you

these days i can listen to your music and hardly think of you

until i find myself listening too deep, wondering, overandoverandoveragain

                                                                                     i can’t help thinking of you.

these days i can give you shoulders to cry on and ears to listen

until your stories send shivers of sadness shooting overandoverandoveragain

                                                                                     i can’t help thinking of you.

these days i can see you as only a friend, like you wanted me to

until a touch sends me spiraling into possibilities overandoverandoveragain

                                                                                     i can’t help thinking of you.

so here i am, rebuilding, but i can’t shake the feeling 

— the ocean’s receding                 

                                              in anticipation,

                                                                             for the wave that’s yet to come.

[late-night-ruminations]

homewrecker pt.II

hey homewrecker with the bleeding heart

heard your glass armour shattering

in the midst of freezing white nights

and here you are now, dulled, teary-eyed

stuck with only a beautiful theory of what if

door-breaking thoughts and dead possibilities

fool,

did you really think that this

could end in any other way?

[late-night-ruminations]

turmoil

heart aching, head churning, body pleading

sweetheart, i don’t know what to do

in this disaster of you and i

everything’s wrong, i can glimpse it 

from the reflection of my tears in your storm cloud eyes

and i, i have never been so compromised

2 a.m. tangles stumbling across broken boundaries

now here we are, can you tell me where the hell

we’re gonna go? because i’m running scared

afraid to look back and see these truths 

written through your face — will it be regret

or a flash of the same desperation that commands me? 

[late-night-ruminations]

homewrecker pt.I

hey homewrecker

with the repentant heart

do you feel the turmoil building

with every lingering touch

and do you feel the heartbreak pending

with every stolen breath

tell me

how strong is that armour

against the hurricanes of time and truth

[late-night-ruminations]

again

we go stumbling past forgotten gravestones

bathed bloody under late night streetlights

your jacket around my shoulders

smells like the mystery of you

and i can only stare into Love’s cruel gaze

glimmering in mirth amongst

the ghosts of lengthening shadows

thinking

dear god, here we go again

[late-night-ruminations]

cigarettes & sweet tea

he smelled of Marlboro Lights

with a side of sweet tea

as i leaned closer to glimpse

how dirty parking lot lights lit

the hint of trouble

in his dark roast eyes

i don’t think i knew ‘til then

the utter devastation of falling

for a man so ready to die

[late-night-ruminations]

scarlet angels

scarlet angels of the evening

smiling from cigarette smoke heavens

of filthy backstreet corners

i am enamored

by the resilience in your eyes

[late-night-ruminations]

los angeles

los angeles, the city of dreams

i wonder just how many hearts 

you have yet to break

[late-night-ruminations]

rebels

rebels haunting old train tracks

well past midnight

who steal drunken kisses

between rusting railcars

and pay homage to their youths

with spray paint prayers

in grimy alleyway kingdoms

under dying street lights

make way, make way

for the gods of the night.

[late-night-ruminations]

growing up

it is the terrifying beauty 

of growing up

when you remake yourself

over and over again

until you don’t know 

who you were

who you are

or who you’re meant to be

[late-night-ruminations]

stars

raise your glass

to the stars

that listen

to hopes, dreams

and promises

of eternity

without losing

their will

to shine

[late-night-ruminations]

cassiopeia

i found a girl

who dances

in earl grey puddles

under mulberry skies

with placid raindrops 

upon her skin

reflecting

the gleam of laughter

in her soulful eyes

my dear Cassiopeia

i have finally found a woman

more beautiful than thee