Late Night Jazz

It's late. Maybe it's all just in your head, I tell myself. But what if it's real?

[inkipri]

it’s not supposed to make any sense

[latenightjazz]

a kind of love

this is a confession. a practice one. something i’ll probably never get to say. but anyway. yeah. supaya hati tenang.

so actually i like you a lot. for a while now. i would consider it a long time. idk if it actually is. but time seemed to have stretched. when i first met you, you were still with your ex. and you guys were so cute, honestly. i shipped u guys. idk, u guys just seemed super solid to me. and brave - willing to try ldr. there was a short while then when i had trouble keeping you off my mind. but we weren’t that close, and i inteded to keep it that way - i wanted to respect your relationship. so it wasn’t that hard to stop thinking about you. we didn’t meet that often either. i was also actually interested in someone else at the time. but you know how that went :)

then you broke up. and we drank that bottle of vodka. well, after you broke up, and you’re single, you became an option. a possibility. but by then we had become close friends, so there was more risk involved. and so i tried to keep it off my mind, still. but it was harder. nothing happened right. then you found that girl - her1. it made me feel suuuuper pathetic cos i was starting to think that we could happen. but there was her1. and she was nice, and pretty, and smart, and catholic. ok so basically, even i think she’s perfect for you. who am i compared to her? i understand. i would do the same if i were you. and we got closer because you would ask me all these things about what you should do with her, and her response. and it hurt. at first just a bit. then there were moments when i find myself thinking about cockblocking you. pretty sure i did it a few times, super subtly (i hope), and then retract my words because how could i do that to you? you were so happy.

but you guys weren’t a couple yet, so in my head the door wasn’t completely shut - my mistake. Being the imaginative fool that i am, i was still fantasizing miracles that you would want to be with me instead. and it was hard facing reality. so at some point, i started thinking that i should snap out of it. honestly, i thought you two would work out well. we didn’t see each other for a while during the break, so that kept you off my mind for a while. then you confessed to her (your mistake) but that didn’t work out - we all know about that. and foolish me started to think about things again.

and then her2 came. honestly, that one was just stupid on your part. really. i mean her1 was legit yo. but this one was just too random idk. you cant blame your heart for liking whoever though, i get it. but that didn’t last for long. legit, it was only like a week. HAHAH. and again - you should know by now, i fell into a spiral. ok so you should know that last semester i was a mess ok. legit i was sad, and stressed out, about things i shouldn’t even be thinking about in the first place. i know it sounds over-exaggerated, but i was actually very stressed. just thinking “why not me?” “whats wrong with me?” “am i that bad?”. and just a lot of anger for myself and everything in this world basically - it was pretty bad. i couldn’t focus, but it’s also not something i can do anything about. and hearing you talk about her every time. i mean i was glad knowing that you trusted me with these things, but at the same time it hurts. again, not your fault, i understand, but that’s just how it was for me.

and this semester, it got really bad after that day we were drinking beer at my place. ok so this is going to sound so fucking stupid.  but idk how else to say it. but i feel a spark? omagah ew. ewewew. ew. and then not long after we ate noodles and then you came over and watched on my bed. and we were at that building. idk if that’s what you would do with your other friends. and around this time i was so fucking stressed out. bcs i really think that we would be great together. but idk, nothing is happening. it’s like moving forward, but idk if it’s just in my head or if it’s for reals. or if we both want it, but the risk is just too high and we’re putting a great friendship on the line. but idk. for me, the fact that i just cant seem to end these thoughts means that i probably liked you a lot. and still do. idk about you though…

so yes - i didnt know it would be this long of a confession.

[notesoutofmymind]

[mad-dotcom]

Fuck this hits home

[latenightjazz]

Easy Love

Hey, just wanted to say that I think I’m in love with you. 

And i’m sorry i can’t say it to your face. 

It’s just that i know i’m hard to love. And so i’d like to spare you the trouble and keep my pain. But my heart beats fast when you call and my lips curl into a smile. 

Maybe someday, when i’m better - when i’m easier to love. 

[latenightjazz]

Sapling

Overthinking. 

overthinking.

overthinking - 

- you said some things. maybe it’s my fault. have i caused you pain? i’m sorry that you’re hurt. but is it my fault. isn’t everything my fault? not because everything revolves around me, but because i’m just so... shit, i guess.

This time, I know that it’s okay to want to please other people. 

But also that in doing so I should not sacrifice my own happiness so much. 

[latenightjazz]

hey whats up?

growth, i think. :) i hope so

[latenightjazz]

Still

but acknowledging that it is overthinking 

does not stop the overthinking

[latenightjazz]

Soundtrack

I imagine moments as soundtracks

If this right now was a movie, as I am typing, what would the soundtrack be?

A fun gallopy tone? A sad grazing of slender fingers on piano keys?

As I am crossing this road, if a driver rushes through the red light. If the cold metal hits my body, and it flies across and hits the black and white. 

What would the soundtrack be? Or maybe this will be just a ringing sound.

And what would the soundtrack be when I see you again. As I walk down the streets of Melbourne, and somehow you’re there - you’re here. 

When you are here, how would we feel? 

[latenightjazz]

Snow

Today, you left. 

I didn’t know it would be the last time that we’d meet. 

You were the best thing that came into my life. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t the same for you. 

Even though your legs must have hurt so much, thank you for always walking beside me. 

now without you, i dont know what to do

[latenightjazz]

Why?

Maybe it’s because I’m just so lonely. 

And that I’m not enough to make myself feel happy. 

[latenightjazz]

Lines

it calms me down. and it makes sense of the pain inside cos most of the time i dont even know why or how i got to that state of sadness and panic. when my head is clear and i can be grateful of so many things and i can enjoy myself. and about getting help - it has crossed my mind a lot, and even more lately. i just picture myself talking to a psychiatrist or a friend or anyone really, in my head because i dont think ill ever be able to get help. for one, what would my parents say to that. theyll think my im crazy and they probably wont even believe me. they wont even believe physical pain that cannot be seen. like headaces or stomachaches. what would they think about mental health. i cant even imagine it in my head. and even if for some super cool miracle they believe in my and all and takes me to a psychiatrist, im scared. like what am i supposed to say. im sad? well no shit, no one is happy all the time. im scared that they will tell me that it is not real, and im just trying to seek attention or something, or maybe im trying to make my life more interesting. and im more scared because what if it’s true.

[latenightjazz]

#1

“I am lonely.”

It took me a while to finally acknowledge that. I am lonely. And because of that, sometimes I feel sad. There are still good days, of course. Some days are so great and I feel positive and excited about everything, and some days it hurts just to breathe. And sometimes, it doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t feel nice either - just numb. 

Despite always being surrounded by people, good people too, it still feels like there is this empty whole. And it’s not like how they say - if you’re surrounded by people but still feel lonely, you’re not around the right people. Because I don’t think that the people around me are bad influence - they are all people I love and care about and respect. So something must be wrong, and it must be me.