Lauren's Life

I'm Lauren and this is my blog about dealing with anxiety but also some of my photography and everyday life.

[laurenashleym10]

It’s been awhile

So, I gave my ex another chance and I guess it wasn’t completely my fault at all from the last time we dated (last post). Words didn’t match with his actions.  The whole “ I love you and we are meant to be together “ definitely didn’t add up with the disappearing act and never answering his phone and eventually I just had to end it.  If someone is doing something that they KNOW causes you to get anxiety then that’s not love.  I’m pretty sure another girl was involved and he blamed it on being stressed(not contacting me for like 3 weeks) but stuff just didn’t add up.  So when things were looking up for him and he was now “ready” we can be together again.  “NO, you didn’t treat me good towards the end so why put myself through that again”. He promised it would never happen again but it always happens.  We both have our own set of problems and we just aren't compatible. I stayed because I fell in love with the potential of what could be and I was comfortable with him and I do believe he cared (but did not fully respect me) but I think he just didn’t want to be alone by certain things that he said.  So I couldn’t hold on any longer.  We haven’t spoke in weeks and I think some anxiety has been lingering during the break up and then after another big talk and argument.  Lately it’s been getting intense and i’ve been saying “for no reason” but the more I think about it the more I think it just never left when things got bad with him. But it has just progressed into more intense feelings and then leading to thoughts that are totally not related and is taking over.  Its been over a month that I’ve left the house unless it was a doctor appointment or I went out with my dad and mom once. 

I’m scared to leave my house and i’m scared while in my house, but just gets worse if i’m not home.  I’m basically scared of everything. If i heard my phone start ringing or I get a notification for a text or message Instant nervousness kicks in so I usually keep my phone on silent.  If I see a certain post on Facebook that isn’t a pleasant post and I don’t know why people post them but that triggers anxiety then I obsess over it and it freaks me out.  I feel like sitting in the most weird places and just cry.  Like just sit/lie down in the middle of the floor or in the bathroom and just cry.  I feel like getting a big cry out can help alot but lately i’ve been trying so hard not to cry because I feel like it makes me more vulnerable to being sad and feeling weak.  Which i’ve never considered myself weak before.  I know i’ll come out of this strong, anxiety tends to knock you down but you ALWAYS COME BACK STRONGER.  It tends to be a cycle. I don’t want to say “Never ending cycle” because for some people it doesn’t last forever, I just hope i’m one of those people one day.

[laurenashleym10]

Call Me Crazy

I’ve been talking to my headache of an ex and he always says how i’m it, i’m who he wants to be with forever.  I realized when we last dated that I didn’t give him 100% of a chance.  I noticed a big change in him and then I dumped him once things got bad.  Now I can be irrational and act on impulse especially when i’m anxious.  During the time when things got bad I was going through and medicine change, I was going down off one and up on another. I was a mess and my moods were all over the place.I was snapping on him and yelling lot so he kind of started to ignore me a little so he didn’t have to get yelled at all the time.  It’s understandable but one of my pet peeves is being ignored especially by him. I wanted him there for me during that time and I felt like he just checked out but he didn’t know how to deal with it.  So I felt like I had enough and I felt like I was putting him through too much and he didn’t know how to deal with it and thought it would be easier to just end things.  In my head I was thinking he was out with females and blah blah blah, but now that I look back it was the anxiety and med change that had me paranoid and thinking the worst.  He has always tried to get me back and sometimes still acted immature but did show growth and I never gave him credit for that.  Everything seemed to be ME, ME, ME!  I’ve realized over the last couple weeks how selfish I have been and maybe always have been when it comes to relationships. I am a very caring and nice person to other people, so I’m not always selfish but everything has to be my way in a relationship or I feel uneasy and out of control. I had a therapist tell me that my anxiety is mainly just me not feeling in control of everything. I suppose it’s true.  I was told a few weeks back from another guy that I was self centered, I was hurt but took a step back and thought about it and realized it was true.  I don’t want to be that way because it’s not a good trait and it will push my ex away.  I made a decision after talking with him that maybe it’s not the most terrible thing to try again.  Because of our past I know people will look at me like i’m crazy because we were on and off for so long because he feared commitment and would be a little “player” and needed to grow up.  We were young and weren't fully matured and still aren't but I believe people can change.  If this time doesn't work then it’ll most likely be the last time trying. I realized i’m miserable without him and yes he brings out the worst and best in me which I think it’s like that in every relationship but it should be the ‘bringing out the best’ that happens more than the worst. There’s a lot of things he does that just drives me crazy, but you won’t find a PERFECT person, some people have things they just do and you either accept it or don’t.  Like when guys say “i’ll call you in a minute” their minute could in an hour and i’ll be sitting there waiting for a call because I have nothing else to do lol and then BAM and argument starts because he didn’t call when I wanted him to.  That’s my controlling selfish side kicking in.

When I over think things I always think the worst which is typical of anyone that has that.  And i’ll feel like something is off with us or something bad is going to happen.  My therapist told me if all I do is wait for something bad to happen then something bad will happen.  I need to just go with the flow and stop being in the past and future, I need to be in the present. I hold grudges and tend to never let them go, I’ll bring up in the past a lot and get mad over it when he doesn't even do whatever i’m mad at anymore.  That will ruin us before we even get started.  I need to just move on from the past an start fresh.  Easier said than done.

Sorry for the long rant. My hands are getting tired and I need to do something with my life so i’m going to get off of here now lol

*Oh and sorry for the bad punctuation that’s definitely not my strong suit.

[laurenashleym10]

whyyyy

Why do the feelings have to be so strong for one person who isn't good for you, UNLESS they truly change.  I FaceTimed with him last night and I kept wishing I could spend time with him, but it’s not that easy. We live an hour apart and i’m sick so I couldn’t.  Also he can make me super anxious in a good and bad way. It would be almost easier if he just drove to me, but he wouldn't be able to spend the night because of my parents.  My mom kind of doesn’t want him around because she knows he’s hurt me (not physically) so it’s much easier going to just stay with him.  I almost don’t care anymore if it’s a bad idea if I see him because I miss him, but I really should care more.  I find true happiness with him but also pure sadness and anger sometimes. More than you should if you’re with someone who apparently loves you.  I think he’s just scared of commitment which sucks and stuff in the past kind of is impossible to forget and hard to forgive but i’m trying.

[laurenashleym10]

[laurenashleym10]

Odd

I think it’s odd how it’s easier for me to not talk to *him* (my ex) when i’m actually able to just hit him up whenever, but when we have a huge falling out and it’s like we can’t talk anymore I struggle with not being able to contact him. lol Strange. I don’t get it.  Nothing about our relationship (not dating) is normal. It’s like a sense of security almost.  

[laurenashleym10]

I went out last night and it was towards the end of Oktoberfest that we have every year downtown, I hung out with friends and had fun.  I was nervous the majority of the time but I pushed through. I laughed, smiled,  danced, and just had fun with fun people in a fun environment.  But I noticed throughout the night and as I was heading home I felt a little bit of sadness and I don’t know why.  The only word I can think of if someone was to ask me to describe how I feel in one word would be “Empty”.  Sounds like such a depressing word and I don’t know if my depression is that deep BUT that would be the way i’m feeling.

My doctor told me that this time of year some people’s depression worsens, but I don’t remember getting like this every year.

[laurenashleym10]

If you know what my pet peeves are and you’ve known for more than 5 years wouldn’t you try to avoid doing those exact things (unless they are totally ridiculous) but mine are probably what alot of peoples are.  If you say “Yeah i’ll call you in a min” that does NOT mean hours! It makes it seem like you’re getting ready to call.  So for me who doesn’t do much and has plenty of time on my hands (sad i know) I’m just sitting there waiting.  And every 5 minutes that passes I get angrier and angrier, but I should only be mad at myself really because for 5 years you still do it and I still put up with it.  So I guess at this point you’re no longer the “bad guy” since i’ve allowed it to happen over and over again.

[laurenashleym10]

My Ex

Well I did what my heart and mind lead me to do and it was to make things right with my ex.  For some reason I don’t want things to be bad between us and to him to hate me which he really shouldn’t but whatever.  Some people will think i’m weak and maybe I am.  I can admit he still has some kind of hold over me and makes me weak and give in sometimes and I allow it when I shouldn’t.  I was writing in my journal about this the other day how people have that one person who is like their drug and if they don’t see or talk to the person for a long period of time (or even short) they basically go through withdrawals and once they finally talk or see them it’s their TEMPORARY high.  It can make you beyond happy just for a short period of time then you feel weak for even talking to them after they’ve treated you so poorly.  My ex told me how he was still mad at me because of everything and I didn’t respond how I normally would because it would just of caused issues and i’m trying to avoid arguing, but I simply thought to myself “How selfish is it that he is MAD at me for breaking up with him and hurting him because of it when it was his actions that lead to the break up and years and years of mind games and lies and cheating. And he is worried how he was hurt? That is the most ridiculous thing ever.  He is so unaware of his actions and so concerned only on himself.”  I think all of us get caught up where it’s all about us and our pain and just stuff in general, but once we do something wrong we should own up to it not blame it on someone else. I’m at fault for taking him back and dating him over and over expecting different results and hoping that the person I am can change him for the better. But i’m not at fault for how he treated me, just that I let it continue. I’m not sure why I can’t stand having him mad at me. But instead of feeling like i’m going crazy and being depressed everyday I just wrote to him and tried to make things right.  Not to date or anything but just so things weren’t as bad and yeah it was a little bit of an excuse just to talk to him also.  I have trouble admitting that part to people but i’m sure they pick up on it.  A lot of people say they need to talk to the person they cant get over so they can get closure. I don’t think anyone ever gets closure it’s just an excuse to talk to them and if you talk or see them sometimes it just makes you want them back.  some people have better control of not getting back with them though, it took me awhile to get to that point but I still have trouble not talking to him.  He was the one I talked to about anything and everything and who I talked to going through my rough times with anxiety and he always checked in on me and stuff so maybe that’s why I have trouble letting go.  Theres a comfort with him that I don’t want to go through the whole getting to know someone again.  But i’ll just be hurting myself if I got back with him.  I was thinking last night what it would be like to hug him again.. would it feel the same? Would it be as comforting as before? Or would it be awkward and i’d want him to just not touch me? Who knows.  Maybe we could talk and everything will be fine down the line but right now I guess it’s just too soon.  But if further down the line i’m pretty much over him then there’s no point of talking to him.

[laurenashleym10]

10 years?!

So, I googled something yesterday just because I was bored and stuff was on my mind.  I googled “Why can’t I get over my ex?” and a blog type thing came up and so many people wrote their stories and questions. Quite a few people said how even 10 years later (some people 17 years) they still aren't over their ex and the pain everyday is just like the pain when they broke up or was cheated on.  I was on and off for 5 years with my ex who I cannot seem to get off my mind ever and reading that had me feel like I was a little less crazy, but then again I don’t want to feel this way for 10+ years!!  Another sad part was that a lot of them were married with kids and said how the love with their spouse is not the same as with their ex, it isn't as strong and they still think of their ex and cry about it.  I’m not sure if I could get married knowing I think of my ex daily. I hope their spouses didn’t see that they ever wrote that because then they might not be married anymore.  Some people said 10 years later they crossed paths with their ex again and ended up together, one got married to them and have kids now and are happy.  I don’t think that’ll happen with my ex and I.  I hope one day I can find a happy relationship and get treated how I want to be treated and I wish he could change to be those things but that just won’t happen. He’s pretty much set in his ways.

[laurenashleym10]

Finally!

I finally faced one of my fears and that was traveling an hour away to see some friends.  I hesitated for awhile because of anxiety and I felt like that was soooooo far from home.  Also, I was worried that I would run into my ex who has a strong impact on me and some kind of control over my emotions.  It’s easy for people to say “Don’t let him effect you and control you.”  The sad part and also somewhat of a good part (shows that I’m a decent person) is that if he was going through something I would definitely be there for him and listen if he needs to vent.  I wouldn’t make it to where we have daily convos or it starts to become more, I can’t afford that to happen.  It would be 10 steps back and the anxiety would be worse.  He’s almost like my drug, and when I need someone to talk to he’s my temporary high. It boosts my mood and i’m happy again and sometimes I just need that, even if it’s a short convo that’s pointless.  It’s hard to explain but i’m sure someone has been in the same situation.  I pray for him alot and I always pray that he is happy but i’m not going to lie it does hurt knowing he could just be happy with someone else. If he changed his ways and stopped lying and cheating and made it right with someone else I would feel a little hurt just because i’d wonder why couldn’t he do that with me? 

BUT back to my accomplishment lol I went off track a little.  But yeah I took my as needed medication before driving there and before going out and I did pretty well.  So hopefully I can keep doing this with no big problems.

[laurenashleym10]

Hello

I haven’t been on here in awhile... I was having really bad anxiety and I guess some depression, but I was anxious about a procedure I had to get done and surprisingly I did wayyyyy better than I thought I would.  So some of the anxiety subsided. Another reason was because of an ex boyfriend... he just was being disrespectful and he has this hold over my emotions that I have yet to learn to let go. It’s a work in progress.  Hard losing who you loved and who was your bestfriend and not understand why they treat you a certain way. But I need to just move on. Easier said than done of course lol.  He lives an hour away and I used to go there all the time, I know other people there as well and they ask me “when are you coming to visit?!” and I can’t give them an answer because I associate that place with him and i’m scared  I might run into him or something.  But I need to just go and if I see him then I’ll go somewhere else down there.  I’m not prepared for that moment lol i’m not sure how I would handle it. Everytime I leave my house i’m facing my fears so I just need to go there and have fun.  

[laurenashleym10]

blah

The last two weekends in a row i’ve been going out and staying out late and it has messed up my sleeping pattern so I feel like crap :/ Anxiety comes and goes still but i’ve been able to get out more so that’s the only plus in the scenario lol 

[laurenashleym10]

Too emotional

Man, i’m too emotional lately.. i’m guessing it could be from holding things in and also the medicine change i always get emotional and angry during those times.  But dang this depressed state i’m in needs to go. I just sit and stare and i’m so mentally and physically drained.  Only reason i’m not asleep right now is because I want to be able to go to sleep at bedtime.  I’m want to laugh but I feel like it would be awkward when I do laugh like I’m just not feeling it. It’s like i’m not allowed to laugh and enjoy myself.  I have one question for the person that is the main source of my depression right now and that would be... “Why did you choose me... why’d you choose to destroy me over and over again until there was nothing left”. Sounds kind of cliche (the ending part) but it’s true. I’m lost and hurt and don’t know what to do except maybe sleep. I keep crying on and off especially when I see something that reminds me of *him*. Ughh.. just go away and let me be happy.  Tomorrow I could be total opposite of this mood then it could creep up in a split second.  Whenever I feel calmer and a little happier i’m going to have to savor it and soak it up.

[laurenashleym10]

Why

Why do people have to re enter your life? The people who you loved so much it was probably unhealthy, the ones who treated you bad yet you still loved them and tried to see the good.... 

It’s almost like people know when to contact you they sense that you are moving on or something lol.  I had a call from an ex who I loved dearly and still have love for but unfortunately the trust and respect isn’t there.  It was almost a random phone call and he either was tired or drunk but it was 6 something in the morning so maybe just tired... but he apologized for a recent convo we had recently that made it seem like he hated me which i knew he didnt really hate me but he was letting me know he could never hate me and that he’s sorry for everything and he still thinks about me and stuff. He wasn’t trying to get back together but he just seemed down and like he needed someone to talk to and we’ve always had that kind of relationship where we can talk about whatever and I was more than willing to listen BUT don’t continue to disrespect me.  I have barely heard from him since and I know he is busy but I had to ask him a question and he eventually called me annoyed and kind of had a certain tone to his voice asking what my problem was and that he can’t respond right away and how some people work and have things to do. Okay so I know I have the problem where if a guy doesn’t respond within like 5 minutes I get irritated and thats due to past relationships with the lying, cheating, and being ignored. AND i’m not sure if I took this the wrong way but he made he seem like “you know some people have to work...” when he knows I can’t it’s almost like putting me down or something but i’m not sure if he actually meant it that way. I was pretty calm during the convo actually but I didn’t expect the phone call to be instant rudeness so I didn’t know how to respond at that time, but ever since then we haven’t talked. He’s supposed to be bringing me my old phone that he borrowed back, I actually wanted him to mail it but after the talk of him seeming like he was sorry and stuff he hasn’t been talking to me so I STRONGLY feel like he is just going to blow me off.  I’m going to be honest with you, I will most likely cry from yet another moment of being stood up, feeling dumb, and disrespected.   I don’t want to necessarily act out of character but honestly who wouldn’t get mad about that? I don’t know it’s a whole situation that I don’t know how to really deal with it’s like I want nothing to do with him but yet I can’t seem to get over him... I ask myself daily (because I think of him daily) how can you still love/care for someone who has made you look dumb numerous times, disrespected you, lied, cheated, and hurt your feelings?!?!?!!??! It makes no sense and i’ve come to the conclusion it will never make sense. I can examine the situation and look so deep into it and still I will never know.  I don’t really like the phrase “you put up with what you think you deserve” which i’ve been told multiple times but I don’t think I deserve that unless deep deep in the back of my brain I really do but i’m pretty sure I don’t think I should be treated that way. This is one of the things that brings me anxiety- just his name alone gets me anxious, if I come across a picture I get anxious, if I see it’s his number that is calling or has texted I get anxious. It’s pretty ridiculous lol hopefully over time i’ll move on.  Believe it or not i’ve actually gotten better with not necessarily feeling like i NEED him. I was real bad before but this whole thing still has me thinking everyday about him. The struggle of true love OR what you THOUGHT was true love, which is probably what it is in my case.

[laurenashleym10]

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaNuV3qIYJm-q8Ft0UbvhHA

^^^

that is the link (hopefully it works)

(also if you have any advice on how to make videos clearer let me know)

[laurenashleym10]

100 MPH

    My thoughts have been going like 100 mph lately since the time I open my eyes to when they close at night.  I’ve been second guessing decisions I have made or yet to make and then I get knots in my stomach instantly when all the thoughts hit me.  Each new thought is a new knot in my stomach.  My appetite kind of has been effected which can happen with anxiety and stress.  It’s amazing how much stress I have considering I don’t work or anything. My mind is acting like its’ job is to make me worry and stress and that I need to be on guard at all times.  Lately I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen, like i’m going to lose a loved one or someone is going to get hurt, or i’m going to get hurt. It’s just irrational thoughts that I don’t need to think and some people don’t ever think about this kind of stuff. Whenever I start a positive thinking process halfway through me saying a positive affirmation a negative thought creeps in. I feel like i’m losing myself and control over my life :( Summer is almost over and I didn’t really do too much (well I did more than I did last year) but I could have done way more, but facing your fears is easier said than done.  I’m losing motivation to do just about anything at all, just seems like everything is crumbling.  I know I get all emotional with med changes so that could be it or i’m just having a down feeling because all of this is too much right now. This upcoming week I have an appointment with my doctor to set up a procedure that involves having to get an IV (I may have mentioned this in past posts) but It’s the Endoscopy and I have to do it yearly and I’ve been dreading this. I will of course need my safety person; my mom. Well I feel I need her, I read that if you’re trying to get better and over come anxiety you need to face fears and not have your “safety items or people”.  Praying for some sanity and a  clearer mind.

[laurenashleym10]

My Problem

So.. I have a problem where I get really upset and annoyed if a guy I like doesn't respond within like 5 minutes or less because i’ve been cheated on, lied to, and ignored and that’s my first thought when someone doesn't reply.  My ex who mainly did the ignoring has made me question any guy i’ve come across since we’ve broken up and still him. I was trying to get a hold of him and I know he works 2 jobs now, but I don’t know his schedule and I honestly think it’s impossible to have NO TIME to respond to someone. But he contacted me the other day and then like just stopped talking but I had a question and he wouldn’t respond then calls me the next day after I send “hello...” and says “What’s your problem what’s going on?  I work 2 jobs I can’t answer you right away, some people are out doing stuff and are busy. You always expect and answer right away.” It was something similar to that and when people say things like that I feel like it’s taking a jab at the fact I can’t work right now and stuff.  I am aware If I was working or was occupied I possibly wouldn’t be like as bad about it, but guess what... unfortunately I am unable to work right now and keep myself occupied by going out because i’m going through stuff. People that aren’t going through this will never understand.  I know I have that problem and I actually have been a little better about it, but I just dislike how the phone call went.  The tone in his voice and some of the phrasing he was using just didn’t sit well with me.  There was no need to act like that but maybe he had a bad day who knows.  I just know (which he didn’t know) I was having an off day and I have been for longer than a month and have been more emotional, I guess due to the medicine change and my thinking is all out of whack. I know I need to try and be understanding of what other people might be going through, but why can’t other people do that as well?  Not everyone thinks that way though, unfortunately.