laurie

20, she/her please dont expect me to have a consistent theme this is just for me to ramble out the inner workings of my brain xoxo

[lauriejamesgrace]

my favourite fic series by my favourite ao3 writer was just updated for the first time in six(?) months giving me the perfect amount of time to reread the first 83000 words in the next 2 days to then get to the new chapter as a 21st birthday present on thursday

timing could not be more perfect life is good

[sexchangedotcom]

being young and having grey hair is hot hello beautiful what’s got you so tortured

[lauriejamesgrace]

feeling validated as someone who found their first grey hair at 15

[fantasiees]

“You never reply to messages” I am just one person okay I am understaffed

[yourdumbdevil]

[lauriejamesgrace]

i'm currently suffering and sick in bed, so with the release of the new season i've used my time to rewatch all three seasons of heartstopper, and both tao's reaction to nick and charlie in season one, and isaac's reaction to elle and tao in season three have got me thinking about the value i place on my own (platonic) relationships;

does anyone else know what i mean when i say that you can be fully, wholly, entirely in love with someone without any desire to make the relationship sexual or even romantic?? because like

my best friend is the actual LOVE of my whole entire LIFE

(don't worry they know all this this isn't some dramatic love confession i'm keeping from them but regardless,,)

'cause like i've always been someone who greatly values platonic love, but until the past couple years i always thought that romantic love was inherently stronger than platonic?

i'm in one of those stereotypical queer friendships where literally everyone is convinced that we'll either end up together, or are already together, or are at least in an unrequited love situation (either way around lmao it varies), and when i say everyone, i mean everyone, as in like especially my dad? he's convinced we're meant for eachother and that we'll never meet anyone else that gets eachother the the way we do one another, and my mum's convinced that anyone either of us date will undoubtedly have a problem with how close we are, even though it's a well established fact that anyone that has an issue with our friendship will not be a candidate for someone i'd be with, and to top it off they were the first person i 'dated' at the fresh-out-the-womb(or closet sidfjhs) age of 12/13

and because we then broke up it was obviously awkward for a little while, and we weren't as close for two or three years after that, but shared social circles meant that we remained at least partly friends, and then come year 10 (14/15 years old for anyone not british lmao) we became decidedly best friends again, but even then it was just your average, secondary school, best-friendship. my love for them continued to grow across our gcse years and sixth form, but it was across our first year at university (seperate unis!!!!) where i truly fell in love

we'd made jokes about our 'unhealthy closeness', and 'codependence' for a while, but when i say i made a total of zero friends that first year, because i was perfectly happy spending every spare minute on the phone to them, i am being completely serious, and i'm not even mad about it

either way, i'm sick and getting bored of typing so i won't go on about just how much i love them, but i assure you that they are my best friend for life, regardless of who else i meet in my future, and i can't help but refer to it as a platonic relationship rather than 'just' a friendship, because at the end of the day we are in love! and it'll never be romantic or sexual in any way because that's not what either of us want, but that doesn't diminish the strength or importance of the relationship we're in

(also we have discussed how we probably could fall in [romantic] love without much difficulty if we only tried, but we aren't feeling that way naturally, and we have no desire to change our dynamic as it is now so why would we ?! <3)

anyways where i was meaning to go with this was that part of me has been secretly terrified that i'm just in denial of my 'true' feelings, and that how much i love them can only be justified by a secret desire for romance. i was genuinely so stressed about them (or me for similar reasons) getting into a [romantic] relationship, and me suddenly having a realisation that i'll never truly be happy without being with them like that, but they recently HAVE gotten into a new relationship, and i am pleased to say that i am genuinely nothing but happy for the both of them

sidenote going back to the intro of this post lol: i was also terrified that in the event i'm not in [romantic] love with them that i'd end up acting exactly like tao, or isaac, as in like mad, or bitter, or jealous (not that i think their feelings were invalid, but they still hurt their friends by feeling that way and that ain't what i wanted), but i'm not even feeling jealous so i think i'm acting okay lol

thanks for reading xoxo

[aletterinthenameofsanity]

Y'know, there's this gripe I've had for years that really frustrates me, and it has to do with Love, Simon and people joking about it and calling it too-pg and designed-for-straight-people and all the like. (A similar thing has happened to Heartstopper, but that's another conversation.)

I saw Love, Simon in theaters when it came out my senior year in high school. I saw it three times, once with my friends/parents on opening night, once with my brother over spring break, and once with my grandparents.

On opening night, the air in the room was electric. It was palpable. Half the heads in there were dyed various colors. Queer kids were holding hands. We were all crying and laughing and cheering as a group. My friends grabbed my hands at the part where Simon was outed and didn't let go until his parents were saying that they accepted him. My friend came out to me as non-binary. Another person in our group admitted that she had feelings for girls. It was incredible. I left shaking. This was the first mainstream queer romance movie that had ever been produced by one of the main five studios, and I know that sounds like another "first queer character from Disney" bit but you have to understand that even in 2018 this was groundbreaking. Getting to have a sweet queer rom-com where the main character was told that he got "to breathe now" after coming out meant so much to me and my friends.

But also, from a designed-for-straight-people POV (which, to be frank, it was written by a bisexual author and directed by a gay man, this was not designed for straight audiences), why is it a bad thing that it appealed to the widest possible audience? That it could make my parents and grandparents see things in a new light? My stepdad wasn't at all interested in rom-coms but he saw it with me because it was something I cared about and he hugged me when we came out of the theater. My very Catholic grandparents watched it with me and though my grandpa said he still didn't quite understand the whole 'gay thing,' all he wanted was for me to be happy and to have a happy ending like Simon did. My Nana actually cried when Simon came out and squeeze my hand when his mother told him he could breathe.

And when Martin blackmailed Simon, my mom, badass ally that she is, literally hissed "Dropkick him. Dropkick him in the balls" leading to multiple queer kids in the audience to laugh or smile. Having my parents there- the only parents, by the way, out of my group of queer and questioning friends- made multiple people realize that supportive adults were out there. That parents like those in Love, Simon do exist in real life.

When people complain about Heartstopper not being realistic or Love, Simon being too cutesy, I remember seeing Love, Simon on opening night. I remember my friend coming out and my stepdad hugging me and my mom defending us through this character. I remember the cheers that went through the audience when Bram and Simon kissed and the chatter in the foyer after the movie was over and the way that this movie made me understand that happy endings do exist.

Queer kids need happy endings. Straight people need entry points to becoming allies. Both of these things can come together in beautiful ways. They can find out about more queer culture later, but for now, let them have this. Let them all have a glimpse at a better, happier world. Let them have queer joy.

[lauriejamesgrace]

this is so real and so important to me

I saw love Simon in cinemas with my very queer friend group when we we were like 13, and it was so so so so important to me at the time

(partially because I’d just had my first queer breakup and was convinced I’d never find love again so I liked seeing a queer relationship between teenagers that were older than myself, idk it just gave me hope I guess),

but mostly because my [christian] parents had just found out about me being bi and were only at the start of their journey to becoming genuine allies, just having reluctant acceptance to start with

however, no matter how much I was feeling my pride and really loving the feeling of community with other queer people at the time, 13 year old me couldn’t help but SERIOUSLy judge one of my friends

she had her rainbow makeup on, and her pride flag around her shoulders and I was just there thinking like yeah I’m gay too but chill out we’re just seeing a movie it doesn’t need to be plastered over you for everyone to see!

but yeah looking back on that I am THRILLED that she was doing that, and expressing herself fully (especially because she had SEVERELY homophobic parents and I don’t know if she has or ever will come out to them) because that meant she was allowing herself to experience that joy and acceptance, surrounded by the people that shouldn’t have been judging her!!! and I just thank myself desperately that I was too embarrassed to say how ‘cringe’ i thought she was being or whatever, because yeah

I’m now just thrilled for anyone that is able to find the same level of love and acceptance and ability to be loud and proud about who they are, especially if they can’t in their home environment

and yeah I guess I’m just saying that I completely agree, and the accessibility of that movie to all people and the safety it created for young queer people means the absolute world to me

[lauriejamesgrace]

okay so watching season three of heartstopper and seeing peoples reactions to it on like tiktok and shit have really got me thinking about my own experiences and habits of invalidating my own experiences

like the general responses ive been seeing are focussing on either 1. the emphasis of the importance of platonic relationships (which i really appreciate and value but thats not what im on about here), 2. charlies struggles with his mental health, and 3. nicks struggles with charlies mental health and all that jazz

and my first instinct when i see people talking about nicks struggles with it all is like?? shut the fuck up?????? its not about him??????? but the more i think about it the more im like wait no he is in a shit position!? it is hard as FUCK when someone you love is going through stuff like that and you just don't know what you can do to help?! and obviously this is all fictional lmao like the support of the viewers makes no difference to the actual characters but im still like he does deserve the recognition and support for what hes going through, because all he wants to do is try his best and help however he can, but theres not always anything you CAN do and that feeling of helplessness is almost unmatched

and then me having that whole thought process and realisation has made me reevaluate my attitude toward the whole 'dating someone struggling with mental illness' thing and THEn i was like well its not fair that i was diminishing those struggles to begin with!1!! and thEN i was like why did i have that mindset at all??? because im someone who has always made an active effort to have empathy and understanding for every viewpoint of anything i can possibly do so

but yeah then i just had to accept that it was because ive always been too hard on myself, because it definitely started with my first girlfriend who i wont go into detail but she was,, not well and i was dealing with things and putting the responsibility on myself, as her girlfriend, to keep her okay and alive even, at FAr too young an age to have any kind of responsibility for that. and i guess i just wish that id had been exposed to this attitude earlier? because seeing the amount of understanding from strangers on the internet for someone going through similar things to myself would have been endlessly helpful for my own mental health

i dont really know where i was going with this and thank you if youve bothered to read all my mindless rambling that would usually be in one of my many journals i just cba to write when typing is so much quicker and easier when my mind is moving this quickly, but yeah i guess my point with all this is just like

take care of yourself <3 like i know its an overused sentiment but like, being there for others that 'have it worse than you' doesnt mean that you dont also deserve a support system

i definitely have more to say on this but need to get my head straight before i can word anything more lmao but yeah be kind spread love employ empathy love u lots xoxoxo

[lauriejamesgrace]

disclaimer im allowed to post what i want

so im aware ive never posted anything before and ive used this account exclusively for lurking and liking and replying and asking and have never even so much as reblogged and im aware that realistically no one will see this disclaimer of a post but im just rambling for my own peace of mind before i start rambling about other shit lmao

and if anyone that for some reason follows me sees this and doesn't want to be subjected to my mindless rambling then feel free to unfollow i genuinely couldnt care less but yeah anyways much love xoxox