Recuérdame

I write to myself

[lavvidoca]

What if I like you

and I was the dark sea?

Could you still the constant waves?

Could you handle the void?

Could you cast a rainbow

over the monstrous water?

What if I like you

and I cut like a freshly trimmed paper?

Would you let the blood drip?

Would you leave the scar?

Would you put on a bandage

to cover?

What if I like you

and it doesn't need to be mutual

because even my fingertips know

the unhappiness I'm about to bring

Would you still let me?

Would you still let me

liking you?

[lavvidoca]

im really really tired and exhausted, these days i become more emotionally unstable, i cried at work, i slept in weekend but i still extremely tired, i cant sleep at night eventhough im really sleepy... i just wanted to escape and erase the pain

[lavvidoca]

Good bye

"when I stop and look back, will you be looking at me?"

"can I cut away today, so tomorrow wont come..."

Im really really bad at goodbyes and if anything i dislike the most is for me to send off people I love... Thats why when Im the one who had to go, I will just went quickly without notice so the sadness wouldnt linger that long... Seriously

[lavvidoca]

"Hidup bukanlah hidup kalau tidak ada yang bisa diperjuangkan." She's currently fighting multiple sclerosis, a rare disease with less than 150,000 cases per year. I don't know how much suffering she endured these past years, with all those meds she had to consume all this time, all those routines and meet ups with doctors, therapies, and several nights on hospital bed... I really jealous on how she can stays positive and realistic, how she's not giving up, how she accepted her condition and work at her best. It's really hard to accept our weakness, but she managed to do that... I like how she listens to my stories, and how she never belittle any of my anxieties and depression with comments like "It's just you being overthinking" or "there are a lot of people whose problem bigger than you". I'm really grateful to have a friend like her to the point I really want to cry... What did I do to deserve this much blessing...

[lavvidoca]

[lavvidoca]

even if things get hard and you leave

i'll protect this spot right here

[lavvidoca]

Today I've been caught staring blankly at spaces by co-worker for several times. I was late to work. I felt incredibly tired. It was really a hard day for me and I can't function well. But I'm really grateful that instead of taking a day off, I chose to get up and went to work. I don't want to lose in this battle against myself. I did well. I did well today.

[lavvidoca]

For in death there is no remembrance of You; in Sheol (the place of the dead) who will give You thanks?

Psalm 6:5

[lavvidoca]

Unless the Lord had given me help,

I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”

your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94:17‭-‬19 NIV

[lavvidoca]

Thought text post

I've been visited some art exhibitions these past years and you know what interesting things that I found?

There were LOTS of art with messages such as contemplating/wondering about god & religion. I found several arts with the same "theme" in one exhibition (the message they tried to convey were different tho).

This make me wonder a little bit...

I know it is a long and difficult process to create an art. With seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and even years of contemplation about "god & religion"... do any of them finally found an answer? Do any of them still searching and waiting for an answer?

It's frustating to question something for years and yet to get the answer, right...

If any of you who read this have something to talk about or need friend to contemplate on this together, please feel free to drop me a message! Maybe we can have some coffee together. :)

[lavvidoca]

What must I do to taste You? What must I do to see? Hold to the cross so deeply Oh death I can feel you bleed When trembling I begin to crumble beneath the weight of love Forgive me if I stumble Forgive me if I come undone Lord, I need You now I need You here with me I need You more than ever Come Lord, come and crucify me Lord I need You now I need You here with me I need You more than ever Come Lord, come and crucify me What must I do to love You the way that You loved me? Fall on my knees at Calvary Until Your blood has washed me clean When trembling I begin to crumble beneath the weight of love Forgive me if I stumble Forgive me if I come undone Lord I need You now I need You here with me I need you more than ever Come Lord, come and crucify me Lord I need You now I need You here with me I need You more than ever Come Lord, come and crucify me I've been surprised by moments that come Like light in my eyes I've been blinded by Your love Blinded by Your love

[lavvidoca]

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart; Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art; Thou my best Thought, by day or by night, Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light. Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word; I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord; Thou my great Father, I Thy true son; Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one. Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight; Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight; Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tow’r: Raise Thou me heav’nward, O Pow’r of my pow’r. Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise, Thou mine Inheritance, now and always: Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art. High King of Heaven, my victory won, May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heav’n’s Sun! Heart of my own heart, whate’er befall, Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

[lavvidoca]

trash stack

If you do good, that's normal. That's expected. So, in what circumstance does the "under-appreciated" word can apply to?

- if the other party thinks that you're not good enough

- if you are actually not doing your best shot

At what point is "doing my best" be recognized as "doing my best"? There is no significant parameter. The subjectiveness in that phrase is unfalliable...

That is why giving high hopes for anyone won't do justice. Stop with the unnecessary burden. Stop with those regretful comments, saying, "I thought that you are good enough!" Yeah, stop it. You can save lives by that.

[lavvidoca]

27. Tanda Apa Lagi, Gideon?

"Pergilah."

"Ah, Tuhan-!"

"Aku menyertai engkau."

"Tunjukkan padaku sebuah tanda!"

Lalu api menyambar persembahan Gideon.

"Bangunlah sebuah mezbah, Gideon!"

Karena takut, Gideon membangunnya pada malam hari.

"Tuhan, berikan aku tanda - biar bulu domba ini basah dan sekitarnya kering - jika benar aku harus memimpin!"

Maka terjadilah.

"Tuhan, beri aku tanda, sekali lagi, lakukan sebaliknya!"

Maka terjadilah.

Hingga 30.000 pasukan menjadi 300,

hingga tiup tiupan sangkakala dan teriakan "Demi Tuhan dan demi Gideon!" ,

hingga "ketakutan"nya dalam membunuh Zebah dan Salmuna dikalahkan, bahkan terlebih dahulu menyuruh anak sulungnya untuk melakukannya,

tanda apa lagi yang mau kamu minta,

hai Gideon?

Mungkin, terlalu besar semua itu bagimu,

hai Gideon yang sengaja mengirik gandum di tempat pemerasan anggur,

hai Gideon yang selalu merasa kecil dan takut.

Tapi, Tuhan pakai juga.

[insidethemarble]

To Be or Not To Be

Let’s take a look at a picture of a quarter.  

You’ve probably both seen these and spent these here and there throughout your life. On one side of this quarter we can see a face, we see writing, etc. No matter what you notice about this side of the quarter, you’ll probably agree that it’s worth 25 cents, a “quarter” of a dollar (which may be enough money to fill one of your tires with air…sometimes). Let’s look at the other side. 

Same quarter, totally different picture, different writing, etc. But it has the same functional value as it did when we were looking at the first side. It’s still 25 cents, and I can still use it to buy things (like air). At the end of the day, both pictures represent one and the same thing, not two separate contradictory things.  I believe the Church has unnecessarily created false theological paradoxes which lead to confusion, division, and even great fear within the body of Christ. It should not be so!! For example, some have envisioned a contradiction between God’s justice and his mercy, saying “a merciful God would never allow sinners to be punished for their sins”. Even though that’s not true [our example of the synonymity of justice and mercy is in the Cross: He justly applied punishment to sin while mercifully bearing it on our behalf so that sinners don’t have to], the intellectual distinction between justice and mercy makes an error which skews the truth. The truth isn’t the problem. There’s no paradox in God because He’s not two separate things at odds with himself. There is no “balance” in God because He’s not made up of multiple things that need balancing. God is one; He’s wholly united in himself, with himself, and there’s no contradiction in Him [James 1:17]. We don’t have to find some mysterious “balance” when it comes to the truth, we just have to see and believe what’s true. If I perceive a contradiction, the problem is on my end. It happens when we look at spiritual things through unspiritual lenses. [John 3:3-12, 6:63 and Romans 8:5-8]. Both sides of the coin represent the same thing, even though it looks different from different angles. That would be enough for its own blog post, but I’m going to continue. (Two-in-One post! Woah!)  I want to apply this concept to the discussion of salvation. The classic Predestination dichotomy (A can of worms!! Oh boy…here we go). Does God choose us, or do we choose him? Which side of the coin do we spend? This discussion has literally divided church bodies (including that of my teenage years) and set denominational boundaries that don’t need to exist because we’ve made an intellectual distinction between free will and God’s sovereignty. How silly (and wrong).  Here’s why this is important. I’ve had too many discussions with wonderful people who struggle with legitimate fears about their personal salvation: “What if God didn’t choose me?”, they ask. “What if He saved me, but I mess up and get unsaved? What if I thought I was saved but really I’m not? How do I know either way?” Yikes! Where do these fears come from? Jesus made it pretty clear how this works. I think these fears stem from useless and confusing teachings about one or the other “side” of the salvation coin.  So for the sake of length, I’ll just outline the bare-boned simplicity of how Jesus preached the sureness of salvation: If you follow Him, He will feed you. [John 6:35] If you confess Him, He will embrace you. [Matthew 10:32] If you draw near to Him, He will draw near to you. [James 4:8] If you reject Him, He will reject you. [Matthew 10:33] If you seek Him, you will find Him. [Matthew 7:7-11] If you repent, He will honor you. [Luke 15:11-24] If you obey Him, He will answer your prayers. [John 9:31 & 14:21]  If you love Him, He will make his home in you. [John 14:23] And if you believe in Him, you will be saved. [John 3:16-21] If you do your part, He’ll do his part. He offers you a gift that only He can give, then it’s up to you to receive it and live it out.  And if you make a mistake, fear not! Sin doesn’t keep us from God, stubbornness does. Jesus already paid the penalty for your sins. If they couldn’t stop Jesus 2000 years ago then they certainly can’t stop Him now. He knew what he was getting into. Just repent, nail that sin to the cross, (or “flush it” as I like to say”) and keep pressing on towards Jesus who has already forgiven you  for it [Philippians 8:13-16]. Boom! Easy. You’re still saved! Yay!  So have no fear! It really is that simple. If you believe what Jesus said, your salvation is secure in Him.  [See 1 John 3:19-24, 1 Corinthians 1:1-9, Jude 15, Philippians 1:6, 2 Corinthians 1:21-22, and John 14 and 15 for even more biblical context and support]. 

Don’t create a paradox where there is none. There may be two sides to this coin, but it’s not one or the other. At the end of the day it spends the same way anyway: If you follow Jesus, He’ll take care of the rest, both now and forever. (And he’ll even put air in your tires when you need it.) 

[lavvidoca]

Dalam rangka menghabiskan isi kulkas. Karna gak bisa makan sembarangan, dengan sangat terpaksa harus belajar masak sendiri. Walau sederhana senang karena nggak fail2 amat. wkwk. (Anaknya mudah disenangkan) Karna masih bodoh jadi nyoba2 yg gampang: 1st try nyoba bikin oyakodon. Mau nyaingin tempat makan baru buka di depan tapi fail. Telurnya kematengan. Dan ga ada kecap asin. (Still edible tho) 2nd try ayam kecap. Enak. (Senang) Foto terakhir by Michelin 5 star Chef Haneke. Berusaha menyuruh saya makan sayur dengan memasak seluruh sayuran dalam kulkas. Wortelnya bener2 segunung... 😭 Because it's good, we managed to finish the dish together!

[lavvidoca]

Even when I finally get the opportunity, I don't feel happy at all. Shouldn't I be grateful? Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be proud it? Shouldn't I tell my parents so they will know that I actually doing well? What should I do in situation like this? Why can't I post something on instagram without feeling depressed? How to detect your own feeling? Why the darkness won't lift? Am I deserve to be happy? I lost my desire to do things I love.. Can I really do things I love? Things I love, eh... I already forget them all.. Did I ever do something passionately? My brain hurts if I try to remember Even if I tell you a sad story, I can only laugh... Because in 1, 2, 3 months, it doesn't even matter anymore. Everyone will forget. Why can't I just cry if it's sad? I don't know... I forget the reason of my cry... "Isn't it too shallow?? crying on that?" But tears are falling, I don't know what to do. I am not trying to be a strong guy... I just really don't know what to do...