Contentmentality

I have a deep dislike of birthdays and cantaloupes.

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

Dealing with the abstract problem of people saying they are Christians and then living the personification of republican hatred in the name of ‘religion’ is an annoying and inconvenient issue that I can’t, as one person, fight or grapple, and dealing with an actual fucking person who actually fucking does this is both a personal affront to my beliefs and so heart breaking because I can’t legally punch them in the face.

[how-to-kill-a-fandom-nerd]

In an effort to not hate things because they are popular, I am listening to Lover by Taylor Swift. So here goes...

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

4 songs in, it’s like, audible Soft Aesthetic™️

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

(Possibly weird) things I do when I am bored, a list

• listen to reggae (it always makes me happy)

•look up inpatient mental health hospitals

•yell random words, usually in a weird voice

• graze, but like, with drinks not food (one sip of OJ, then some water, now a gulp of iced coffee, back to the OJ, now a shot of Mountain Dew)

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

Things I don’t understand

Like literally don’t comprehend the meaning of so I don’t feel I can accurately answer questions from my therapist about them. An incomplete list, I’m sure.

-emotional eating

——like are we talking I am sitting on my kitchen floor crying while eating a taco? Are we talking “wow I’ve had a bad day I want a snickers to make me feel better”? Are we talking, Wow I’m Such a Failure I Shall Now Gorge Myself So I Feel As Bad Physically As I Do Mentally! A novel...??

-purging

—— when I have anxiety I have extreme stomach pains, and usually I get ‘nauseous’ when I get an anxiety/panic attack. I say nauseous like that because it’s not like, “take some tums; you’ll be better” but like my anxiety voice says, “you feel like crap right now cause of Reasons but you’ll feel better if you threw up” (esp. common when noticeably full) BUT I’m CONFUSED cause I don’t think to myself, “oh you feel anxious BECAUSE you ate, undo the do and you’ll be better” nor do I feel I’m abnormally fixated on my weight/body? So I usually say I don’t purge, but.... honestly idk what they are asking.

-insomnia

—— does one only have insomnia if they don’t sleep at ALL all night long? Do they have insomnia if they layed down to sleep 2 hours before they managed to fall asleep? What constitutes insomnia, does reading/being on your phone automatically negate those hours where you “couldn’t sleep” ????

-compulsions/compulsive thoughts

—— I am, for the most part, a Stubborn Person. Taurus through and through, SO even though my anxiety be like (for a simple example) “check the stove” on repeat for an hour, if I’ve checked it once (well and good, stood there and stared down each nob to make sure they were all Off) I REFUSE to be bamboozled into checking again. So does the ability to not give in to the compulsion (is it even called that at this point?) mean that I don’t have compulsive thoughts? Or...????

Again, not trying to be rude, just want to ask to make sure I am Well Informed.

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

It’s crazy to think about, three years ago at my graduation, I was under no illusion that I would be around this long. I signed that 6 year contract assuming I would be dead before it ended. And look where I am now, here, alive.

Me to my therapist, and to myself, cause I’m allowed to celebrate a milestone.

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

I decided about 3 months ago that I was tired of spending every day analyzing my thoughts and my feelings. Because even if I saw the anxiety or depression coming I couldn’t really do anything to stop it.

But now I find myself in my therapist’s office and for the first time in my LIFE she is telling me things about myself I didn’t recognize.

Like the fact I haven’t eaten in three days isn’t Good.

Like the fact that I haven’t been able to concentrate on my favorite things for 4 weeks isn’t Good.

Like the fact I’ve been sleeping to much

Or whatever it is

Normally I would’ve noticed all this and come to the conclusion of the beginning of a downward spiral much sooner, but I sat there in the office uncomfortable and raw.

I’ve got nowhere to go with this I just didn’t know who to express myself to.

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

Alright so apparently I’m late to the party - Ansel Elgort makes music? I’ve yet to form an opinion so check back soon...

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

My life. My rules.

•stuffed animals for all occasions

•my unicorn onsie is errand worthy attire

• you are allowed to dress to impress, it doesn’t make you immature

•literally text who you want when you want. It don’t matter.

• buy two jugs of orange juice at one time if that’s gonna make you happy boo.

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

sometimes you lie to your parents

its not a good thing that you are proud of 

but a normal thing you accept

sometimes you lie to your friends

because they are friendly to the sides they have accepted

but the edges to your shape are not all there 

sometimes you lie to yourself

fora minute and you realize you are hungry

or a day and realize you do like him 

or for years

for years you lie to yourself 

life is a game and you are the character nobody wants

you are a joke that people pretend to laugh at

you are the charity the people donate to when its trendy

sometimes you lie to yourself 

its 3 am and you are the only one awake

nobody wants to listen

your problems are all in your head 

and they don't want the burden of your thoughts

sometimes that lie cracks

and the truth falls through

somebody hears the screams you've told yourself were fake for all those years

somebody believes you when you say you have invisible scars 

sometimes that lie crumbles 

but that lie was the foundation of your life

your thoughts were pillars built on that lie

your self image was painted with the lie 

your hands held you covered in the lie that you were alone

so when your foundation crumbles

you feel okay for a moment

the sun shines through and your hands are no longer hurtful and your mind is no longer dark 

but the problem is that your foundation is now gone and you thought that another would replace it

but you don't realize that the same hours and days and years you spent building the lie you have to respend building the truth 

and thats the hardest part, because the lie’s rubble is still there waiting to be put back together 

and reassembling is so much easier than building

[thedapperproject]

I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.

J.D. Salinger

I repost this every time it comes up on my dash. Because I need this reminder several times a day.

(via septemberly)

[all-things-marvel]

[readingdidyoumeanbreathing]

Realistically there is no chance I will have time to read, Imma still bring a book though

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

me: yes i speak that language

me: no not that part

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

life choices i dont remember making

sometimes I think about what life could have been like. If I hadn’t joined the navy- would I have a boyfriend right now? Would I be broke? Would I be still be working as a waitress and feel like the coolest stereotypical college kid ever? 

Because that’s what I always thought my 19 yr old self would be. I thought she’d have long hair, and clean car, a fun job waitressing and be a bomb ass college student smoking her professors with wit and charm. 

The funny thing is- I had all that. 

every. single. one. of those things. 

So how did I end up here? how did up ina tiny ass barraks room with two other girls struggling through my days trying to shove an old and complicated language down my own throat in an unforgiving unsupportive environment, with no licence and the shortest hair I’ve never wanted to have? I went to a school where I was average intelligence and any amount of charm isn’t going to get me anywhere. 

I am exactly opposite what I thought I would be. 

so how did I get here? and how am I supposed to feel about this? 

[layinginthemiddleofthestreet]

Life is not a pit of despair But a shimmering pool More clever than you may think

  and quite funny too

The trick is right now   you are not looking under rocks and feet But the rainbows only you can see

   weird don't you think?

You may think yourself clever But the universe sees a fool Searching in myths not muddy pools

  a usual mistake for those like you

While backwards to the inexperienced Your master is loved in pieces Gifts of grandeur are rarely received

  and  after many years of blind belief

Rocks and feet are dirty and common But stories and diamonds are always coming And while rainbows are fleeting disillusions

  Life is long and convoluted

~Rain Tyndale

[belgiumbabe]

Thé mots feutrât inf thing for à bilibgual is forger tong to pût your Keyboard on thé rugby longue

[belgiumbabe]

The most frustrating thing as a bilingual is forgetting to put your keyboard on the right language

[belgiumbabe]

If I take one thing away from this to apply in my life. It’s to never doubt someone’s intelligence based on how much of your language they know.