Layla in Her Head

Sharing the thoughts I am weaving from within the walls of my mind.

[laylainherhead]

Hello how are you ?

I'm good

[laylainherhead]

It's like I opened my own little Pandora's box It was never not there, it was hiding Getting stronger And I, like the fool I am, fell right into it's trap It burned my edges golden, let the rain feel like emeralds It made a whirlpool of my memories that I thought I had forgotten But it collected it and now it's drowning me I am five, I am twelve, seventeen, twenty three all at the same time Now I'm spiraling in my head and unraveling the wild horses in real life Do they see me as clowns? Does he think I'm failing myself Do I think I'm failing myself? Yes I do. But on the other hand, my nemesis is failing with me too. Because if I cease to exist, so will it.

[laylainherhead]

So I literally got inspired by the bridge of The Life of a Showgirl and the words kept flowing to me. @taylorswift you keep inspiring me so much. Here's the poem if anybody wants to read it, lemme know if you liked it or not. Also it's also 2 am, the time when she is awake most of the time 😭😭

[laylainherhead]

Was rewatching Moonlovers Scarlet Heart Ryeo and the death of Lady Hae always breaks me. Not only she kept wanting him to look at her, embrace her but by the time she was getting close to her death, she found her husband falling in love with her own cousin. But even then, she wanted them to end up together so the duties that were expected from her could still be done by someone from her family and the ultimate goal is for the prince to be happy. Lol. I loved Wang Wook in the first few episodes but he was always just somewhat shady, spineless would be more accurate. Anyway. There's a draft of what I wrote after he cries holding Hae Soo (his dead wife's cousin and the lead of the show, I love IU). He kept saying that he didn't realised but he loved her. So I tried to write along the lines of that.

The flower that grew out of snow just took her last breath I kept admiring her beauty, her comfort and her strength She kept asking me to look at her and smile Of course I looked at her but never saw her, until she died She was silent, even in the crispness of snow, she survived I only realized it later—all she wanted was me in her life I was a second late to realize It wasn't just comfort I felt, it wasn't just pride It was love all along and I never said it ’cause I thought it was a lie It was never right She kept fighting for my chances, took the burden of my stolen glances Even the crimson of her petals has turned gray in stance I kept taking her light but she was the sun in the stand Always cheering my hands Now that she's gone, the darkness is once again fair upon us She shined for me, I'll pine for her, in life and in rest

[laylainherhead]

Someday I'll say good bye to anxiety

The sun's out and it's a warm day A glass house by the lake I'm terrible at making accents but I still try Open my arms just to hug the sky I'm laughing with the butterflies and trees The rocks are finally witnessing a dream I'm dancing in a yellow dress, sunshine's dripping down my chest I'm reckless but I'm standing and smiling, I passed the test (praying for a day this miracle comes to exist)

[laylainherhead]

Woke up today and my brain only kept replaying 'I've been having a hard time adjusting'. So here is another folklore inspired sort of poem because I just wrote it when it was replaying in my head (I also have a 2020 version lol) but this one is how I'm actually feeling rn.

I am dancing in the rain, I'm soaking myself in sunlight The picture we painted was green, but all I see is black and white I turn off the key right by the cliff side Maybe I'd jump back in, if you'd take my side No one can help I know I understand No one can understand I know, don't repeat it again and again I've lost my patience, lost my soul to indifference All I feel is red, the fire burning my incense, I'm incessant I'm running to the high side of the moon To the dark edge of your rule The promise that I'd made to you But would you still have me if I lost my soul? I'm terrified of my own heart beat Jump scare when it gets louder in the heat I'm panicking, would you let me feel the breeze? I'm tired, I'm lost, but I know, I'm still standing And I keep on trying with my highest heels, broken feet I might look sick, but I'm still trying, do you trust me? Do you think I would choose happiness if I had way to find it? Would you take me back if I turned back around and showed up at your doorsteps? Would you consider my bruises as scars of the battles that never led me anywhere? I'm cataclysmic like the storm after the hurricane But I can also be the first afterthought of drought,  the first drop of rain.

After getting diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bpd, all I can say is, my head is just a battlefield, I'm bruised everyday, somedays I survive, somedays I don't but I always come back.

[laylainherhead]

afraid to love/favorite toy

Why can't we be together in this world? Even on Monday mornings I'd give my love Make you coffee, serve you in your favorite mug Do manifestations really not work? Why do I find myself believing in some stranger's words? Maybe it'll work out if it tries enough Dreaming about things, why didn't you learn that if you think you're worthy you can always earn anything in this world, even me if you weren't so tough Why are you so afraid to fall in love? Or maybe I was never good enough I worship you, you leave me to burn. In a garden with the rose and its thorns I'm stuck in a loop of an off tune song What happened? You were so gentle and calm Now I'm losing my shit and you're gone Frankly speaking babe, I think we got it all wrong You were supposed to be in love with me and sleep in my arms Or maybe I lost it all after all So you keep pushing me, pulling me in, like I'm your favorite toy

[laylainherhead]

Falling in love on a Sunday morning while he's fast asleep right next to you

If I fall in love with you, you’re gonna be etched on my heart forever. My ink drops would dry, framing your name on paper. The air — intoxicated by the sound of your voice, and the magnetic pull you have over me. If I fall in love with you, you might be the last to know. The first will be the letters I write to my diary.

Y'all he got me so swooned I can't stop day dreaming but also like I don't wanna be clingy smh 😭😭

[laylainherhead]

Run

I was a sailor, and I was sailing a ship. The pirate had just robbed me. All I could do was hear my own heartbeat yelling at me to kill him again and again and again. And my body was physically in a state of stillness.

Time was still too. Fiery flames came out of my nostrils, the fire that was burning me from the inside but also keeping me warm. How can a clown be touching what I want? And my deep disliking turned into a whole lot of nothingness— a void, an amalgamation of distrust, hate, and wonder— when she willingly walked into his arms and breathed out the words, “run.” To be continued...

[laylainherhead]

Favorite Cardigan (Inspired by Taylor Swift)

July, one of my favorite months. It's raining outside, the trees seem like they are dancing, coffee feels different and the sky, the sky is painted in a million different colors everyday. So back in 2020, when taylor released folklore, I was really transported in a different land. I wanted to make something as pretty as the album is lyrically and musically and of course the best story telling. So here today, for my folklore series, is a poem inspired by 'cardigan'. 21 year old me was onto something, so I decided not to change or edit anything.

We were young, no bars, no tattoos I knew you back then, I did, right? You gave me your sweatshirt Right before the moon got hurt The ocean was soaking the blood We were drunk, and you got stained with lust I knew you, we were Jesse and Celine Met on a train, but then you left me For the weekend, and the next one, and the next one Once I was your home, now you find peace in hotel rooms You were haunting my imagination What ifs and realizations When we were young, you chased my kisses I knew you'd come back to my doorstep Wishing I would take you back I knew you'd miss my lips and my fingertips tracing your skin Cause I was young, but I knew everything I knew you'd come back, and just like you threw me and made me feel like I'm someone else's You'd put me on again And say I'm your favourite cardigan

folklore album has become one of my top three Taylor Swift albums which always keep changing because girlie can't decide ahaha. Just a little secret between us, I can never get over the Red era. I became a swiftie around then so it has a very special place for me. Maybe someday I'll do something similar like that but for now, I hoped you enjoyed this poem.

[laylainherhead]

If you were the one (inspired by taylor swift)

it's folklore month, and I’m starting a little folklore series — poems inspired by the haunting lyricism of Taylor Swift’s folklore album. I wrote these back in 2020 when it came out so it's like little me (who was 21 at the time), so hope you enjoy while I recall how I used to write.

this one echoes the soft ache of the 1 — that lingering thought: what if you were the one?

I had a dream you were with me Woke up with the nostalgia of how I used to sleep next to you Been doing some shit, yeah I'm happy But sometimes I think we were something, do you? If you were the one, We would be riding horses Above the clouds, making love, We would be fighting foxes, It would have been adventure But you are with some different girl now You take her to places, you plan shit with her We used to laugh at these people Who would think and do the work. You shaped who I am In my twenties I was left with a broken smile I laugh at how we promised our love Well I know well enough It would have been fun If you were the one. But it's true, The magic has been lost, I'm in love with my new dreams, Some of them include you, None of them wish you back to me. But still if I wonder and wish to ask you, If that one thing didn't happen, That one fight wasn't fought, If that one word wasn't said, Would we'd still be here now? Would it all have been different? Sorry to salt your wounds, I hope they're not fresh anymore, But answer to me once, Do you sometimes find me when you look into her soul?

poem title: If You Were the One

inspired by the 1 — Taylor Swift

part of my folklore series — poems for each track

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[laylainherhead]

You jump I jump, Jack

for the tides that shook my shore,

the times you colored my room in your cologne

I fought it for so long, but you're so much more than just a lore—

A song with a perfect melody, the sound of your poem.

I fell in love, it wasn't complicated for the first time. It was magical, it was mature, it was deeper than the oceans and the brighter than the sun. Never felt like this before. I didn't feel anxious, I felt calm. I didn't feel reckless, I felt peace. I didn't feel desperate, I felt loved.

[laylainherhead]

Someday I'll build my own home, live my own way, cry when I need to, scream when I want to, laugh in the middle of the nights, dance in the fairy lights, miss the people who were once my everything, host the people who will become my everything, write, sing, and maybe, just maybe I'll finally understand what peace feels like.

[laylainherhead]

I picked up the pieces of your dreams

Scattered like stars in a galaxy

Blooming and moving at a high speed

You touched me and I was heavenly

I looked in your eyes, I felt so seventeen

Always stuck in that age, but this time I guarantee

Like a flowing river stirring up my medicine

Now I'm colored in your voice and melody

This love is wild and necessary

Magnificently, you make me feel so seen

Wrapped around your arms and suddenly

The world is ours, nobody knows, it's just you and me