❨ shit i’ve heard at college, part 2: a sentence starter ❩
❨ wow my first semester of my sophomore year isn’t even over yet but i’ve heard a lot of shit, so i thought i may as well divide this up into multiple posts over time. here’s 96 sentences i’ve heard in this first half of my first semester of sophomore year. a sequel to PART ONE and PART 1.5: SHIT I HEARD THIS SUMMER ❩
“The porn industry is moving swimmingly.”
“We all need men. Go find them.”
“It’s not an opera, bitches, it’s a flight.”
“Don’t look! It makes their dick bigger!”
“I have my own place and I can light as many candles as I want.”
“I’m not a librarian, sir.”
“How’s your sack lunch, bitch?”
“Stab me in the ass and turn me into Kim Kardashian.”
“I stayed up another hour just to cry.”
“I just got a nude and I don’t know how to feel about it.”
“I’m gonna go stab my eyes out now.”
“We get it. You have a big truck and a small penis.”
“It’s an epidemic, _____!”
“There’s no cups, so I’m using a bowl. To drink apple juice.”
“Fuck y’all, I’m eating Fruit Loops.”
“I don’t know my superhero name, but here I am with my can of Lysol and my plastic fork.”
“Your list of things to do includes making the best 2000s playlist of all time and fighting me at Cheesecake Factory.”
“This is borderline human abuse.”
“How do you feel about fluorescent lighting?”
“I’m sorry, I’m on a college budget. I’ll give you two nickels and a paper clip.”
“We couldn’t say ‘Hell’ because, like, Catholic school problems.”
“I don’t want them to call me and be like ‘we’re about to drill into your face’!”
“Ugh, yes, the hot TA, what club are you in?”
“My rat bastard dad? What about him?”
“Would you like to complete this coon-ass tattoo zoo with some other animals?”
“I have an idea that I’m positive no other human has ever had: butter flavored ice cream.”
“I hate myself, but I’m funny, so...”
“This man loves puppies and he is not afraid to say it.”
“There’s just something about stale food that I really like.”
“I like how we’re watching our upcoming death on TV.”
“When I get wasted, I want to fight. It’s a problem.”
“My boyfriend got really drunk and started drinking nectar out of the hummingbird feeder.”
“He currently has a child.”
“That’s a good way of getting rid of a baby.”
“He can’t look at his dead parents or his live children.”
“I can’t focus on reading cause I just wanna watch Drake and Josh.”
“My roommate loves manifestos. Especially the Communist Manifesto.”
“Have you studied his naked body or something?”
“Okay, our Greek tragic playwrights: we got Sophocles... Euripides... uh... Isosceles...”
“We’re so stupid we click things that say ‘click here for here’.”
“So there were just ninety-five loose pigs.”
“This is called shaming.”
“I can’t be the only person who says meatballs and spaghetti.”
“We get it -- you’re in a sorority, and you wanna show him your handshake, because, like, you’re in a sorority, but he wants to be in your pants either way.”
“What could go wrong...? -- ...oh shit, I’m on fire.”
“Don’t call _____ unless you wanna suck dick tonight.”
“There’s no one around. He’s talking to his dick.”
“Just cause it’s Greek doesn’t mean it’s sophisticated.”
“I hate myself, but I hate her more.”
“I don’t know anything about it, but it has 'bread’ in the name, so I want to try it.”
“Just don’t breathe in this class.”
“_____, secret crop top wearer.”
“I’m embracing my aesthetic while you’re embracing Jon Hamm’s face.”
“What are we doing tonight besides homework -- and bread...?”
“I’m witnessing a breakup, right here in the Starbucks line.”
“I nominate Gushers as a snack suggestion, but, like, a lot of them. All of them.”
“I have a strong immune system.”
“I was so worked up about the bolo ties.”
“Also, I was wine drunk, so...”
“Does she hit him? I hope she hits him.”
“Only Matthew McConaughey drives Lincolns.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m totally a Republican... Pence is daddy...”
“After that... is the exact same thing... from a different angle.”
“All my life, I’ve been striving to be better than Kidz Bop.”
“Is ‘slaveitude’ a word?”
“Ted Bundy was attractive, people knew him.”
“I feel like whoever’s in charge of the Reeses company is really high right now. Like, putting Reeses inside of Reeses.”
“One beer bottle on campus might be a problem, but if there’s 8, they’re props.”
“With elevators, it’s not claustrophobia, it’s that I don’t trust the government.”
“Headphones: in. World: out. Notes font: ugly.”
“You know that’s a felony, right?”
“That’s a... fourth or fifth impression kind of story.”
“That means she definitely fucked a member of KISS.”
“I feel free, but also ugly.”
“This is my unassigned assigned seat and if any of you take it, I will fight you.”
“I went to the Home Depot, bought a bunch of lights, put them up in the air, and said ‘this is art’.”
“Because I was a full New Yorker, I just kept walking.”
“We almost died, but our last meal would’ve been free, so...”
“I want to be a Privacy Pop model.”
“What’s a funeral like in 2017? GIFs and memes.”
“I would like to thank not only God but also Tinder.”
“I sat through a 40 minute argument about how Justin Bieber started the Cold War.”
“I’m just walking down the hallway, thinking about ways to throw myself down the stairs and make it look like an accident.”
“Now, if it was Kidz Bop, I would go see it.”
“Don’t name your kid Ethelwold.”
“Shoulders, chest, pants, shoes: a vision for America.”
“My dad’s not getting dick from anyone.”
“I’m a shady beach, and y’all are my shady beaches.”
“Oh, no, don’t write that down...”
“At Chipotle, God himself picked those avocados and put them in the guacamole.”
“It should be a holiday: Ohio Awareness Day.”
“We should go to a nice place. A formal place. California Pizza Kitchen.”
“What do you do in geology lab? Dissect rocks?”
“What great weather for a mental breakdown.”
“He’s not computer generated; he’s actually that large.”
“I’ve done some soul searching, and I think that ranch dressing is my favorite food.”
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