Emma

hopeless romantic | innocent and getting older

[lcsagony]

Ever since my inner child learned to trust me, she stopped trusting everyone else. They could all leave. They could all abandon her, or never care for her as deeply as she cared for them. How can a girl trust someone while she is having difficulty trusting her environment and her mother? May all of them leave her ?

Yes they may.

So she had herself. She finally became her own safe land.

[lcsagony]

I suffered beyond measure.

[lcsagony]

Was a love possible where being loved for my soul would bring more joy than physical desire?

Was it only a prayer… only a passing hope that belonged to me?

[lcsagony]

I always dreamt of a man who could soothe me during my darkest moments, someone who would gently hold me and gazing into his eyes as tears fall down my face. I longed for him to tenderly say: “Calm down, my darling. I'm here, and I will always be here for you. I see you; your pain, your fatigue, your wounds. You've fought so hard, but just let me carry some of that burden for you — if only for a moment.”

Is such a man just a fantasy? Am I deluding myself? Could there really be someone in this world who truly sees the depths of my soul?

[lcsagony]

Maybe having nothing at all is better than ending up with less than we expected. That's why we can avoid risks to achieve our dreams because it may not meet our expectations in a truly way. So, our senses are protecting us from getting hurt by forming a shield of defensive thoughts. Actually, we try to protect our dreams and hopes; then we run away. Because the thing that never happened cannot leave you in a lurch.

[lcsagony]

I can’t understand why everything became a mess.

The thought of never seeing you again is a scary maelstrom. You are gone; and so am I.

I long to reach out to you and bundle you up with all my heart. And you... You felt my purest love, which arises from my deepest self. Yet, I know you may never come, even though you felt the warmth within my feelings.

If only everything were not difficult for us to become ‘we’.

[lcsagony]

Sometimes I am full of joy to live this miserable life; but sometimes something is stuck in my heart that I can't care about any hopes and dreams that I wish to come true.

[lcsagony]

I have come to realize that even in friendship, there are many people who will never truly understand the depth of your heart or the loyalty you carry within you. In reality, the one who is wrong is not you. More often, it is that the other person is too shallow to hold your depth and views life through only a single window of understanding and emotion.

Life, however, is remarkably fair in its own way. It rarely allows such people to remain in the lives of those who are truly deep-hearted. Somehow, without you having to do anything at all, they drift away. And before you even understand how it happened, they are gone—just as water flows effortlessly around a stone standing in the middle of a river.

There is no need to grieve over this, because it is, in fact, a great mercy.

[lcsagony]

Just as I learned to soothe my own wounds, I wanted to soothe yours as well.

Perhaps it was not you I was in love with, but an idealized version of you.

It was not you who embodied the grace that filled my dreams. In the end, I came to understand that the ember burning within me was not my love for you after all. I was, in truth, in love with my own nobility.

[lcsagony]

Feeling nothing is much harder than feeling like a shit. When your favorite sad song is played, you may not feel anything to express your miserable situation. That’s why , being melancholic is a blessing in a some way.

[lcsagony]

I would have made more memories with you if I had known I was going to lose you. Without you, some parts of me are hurting, and I couldn't do anything about it. Missing you is like a labyrinth I can't find my way out of. I keep wandering again and again, but there is no escape from your absence.

Rest in peace my desert rose.

Today marks your second anniversary since I lost you🥀

17.06.2024♾️

[lcsagony]

Even exchanging a single word with the people around you gives me the feeling that I have somehow seen you. As though a trace of your spirit, your grace, and your nobility has remained within them.

For a moment, their words become yours, their presence becomes an echo of yours.

As if, for a fleeting moment, I become one with you.

[lcsagony]

Why am I trapped in such profound sorrow at a time when I should be at my happiest, in the very spring of my youth when my peach trees should be blossoming? Why do I have to hold onto myself closer than anyone else ever held me? Why is it so difficult to search for myself anywhere other than within? Why is the terrifying chill of being the sole bearer of my own wounds and pain so utterly agonizing? Why does weeping feel so arduous and leave me utterly helpless?

[lcsagony]

Who else could care for a girl abandoned even by her own family, but herself? Becoming the mother, the father, and the elder sister to one's own inner child is a noble quest that not everyone can achieve. Once these individuals learn to be self-sufficient, they certainly have no branch they wish to cling to. For that very tree has become their own essence and their unique fortress.

[lcsagony]

How can a girl learn to trust someone while feeling afraid of her mother?

[lcsagony]

Fear was the only emotion that never suited you. You were the greatest loser of all — a man who shone among that rotten mindset, yet was ultimately defeated by it. That day, all I could see was the deep fear hidden behind the poise and dignity for which you were so admired..

A fear of coming to me.

Even when our eyes spoke the words our lips never could, you were too afraid to understand them. And so you ran from it. I was not the one who lost that day.

The truly unfortunate one was you.

One word would have been enough.

If you had come, I would have come.

[lcsagony]

Truth may appear in many forms, yet ultimate reality is one. And to discover it, one must look not merely with the eyes, but with the heart.