about misgendering and deadnaming -
i’ve seen posts about this before, but never knew how to answer to them until very recently.
on various blogs around tumblr, asks are sent from baby trans people (aka people who just realized they’re trans, not actual babies), upset that they keep misgendering or deadnaming themselves – in thoughts, in reality, when writing about themselves, or in any other way. when i was a baby trans person, i had the same discomfort most trans people feel when that happened.
was i lying about being trans (even to myself)? was i faking it? was this just a confused phase of mine? when i used she/her to refer to myself, but wanted others to use he/him, was i in the wrong?
it’s been a worry of mine for years. then, i changed what masculine name i go by. i used to go by V (a whole name, of course, not just V). my deadname is not even close to V. for the first couple of months, maybe even a year, i kept thinking of myself as deadname, until it went away. i referred myself to V. i was V.
then, i decided to change the name i go by to N (the reason was that my parents and i decided to choose a name together, a name closer to my ethnic heritage than V had been), and instead of going through a phase of deadnaming myself… i went through a phase where i called myself V in my head, and i accidentally used V to introduce myself to people. i’m still in that phase.
these two names are both masculine. and yet, i keep calling myself the wrong name. this really helped me come to peace with the worries from my past. when i was deadnaming myself, i wasn’t doing it because i was faking being a trans guy; i deadnamed myself because that name was what i was conditioned to associate with myself. it was a habit to be my deadname. it had nothing to do with me being trans, and cis people who change their names go through the same process us trans people go through, yet i don’t think baby trans people are told this enough.
this isn’t trans man specific, or binary trans specific, or just name specific (everything about your deadname being your default applies to the pronouns you change away from as well, no matter if your new pronouns are). bur for trans and nb people, this confusion can also cause worry.
and i’m just here to tell you that you don’t need to worry. you’ll find one day that you react to your chosen name, but not your deadname. you’ll find that your thoughts address yourself with the correct pronouns. your confusion about your misgendering and deadnaming yourself isn’t a “sign” that you’re “not really trans” – it just means that you’re going through a change, and it’ll take a while to settle into your new “normal”.
you’re okay the way you are, even if you misgender or deadname yourself, and remember that most trans people has gone through the same thing you’re going through now.
(this, of course, does not mean that other people can use the excuse of “i’m just getting used to your transition!” to continue to misgender and deadname you without a continuous effort to correct themselves.)