Oh I've been WAITING for a post like this
First and foremost American culture is dead set on the idea that Black people, no matter how we've been wronged, MUST be the bigger person and forgive. Whether it be street level racism or extrajudicial murder at the hands of law enforcement, Black people are expected to show grace, mercy, and forgiveness. The only approved avenue for navigating being wronged for racially motivated pain is taking the high road. This is of course done while minimizing the pain caused to the victim(s), which is a form of racism.
There are a myriad of ways to analyze where it comes from, but it always boils down to the idea that Black people are expected to be bottomless wells of emotional labor for White people. Black people are not allowed to be angry or filled with righteous anger seeking justice. Otherwise the narrative shifts to the Angry Black Person trope which has been used to dehumanize us for decades.
Case in point: lynchings in the Southern United States. Black people had next to no legal standing even with no evidence. Even if the victim would be proven innocent posthumously, the family often had no recourse. The only thing they could say publicly is they forgive the accuser; thus setting the precedent without any repercussions.
We're expected to educate, show mercy, and offer forgiveness time and time again with nothing but hollow performative support in return.
Black people are expected to forgive the ones who dehumanize them in public or murder their loved ones. But the ones dehumanizing and murdering are simply expected to "learn and do better". But holding them morally and legally accountable is considered too much.
What would a good apology look like?
Not doing it in the first place. In the modern era, there is no excuse for being ignorant to racism. There is no reason why anyone, especially white people, wouldn't be able to take the burden of racial education upon themselves to learn proactively instead of retroactively. Otherwise, it shows at least on some level, they are fine with the status quo of hoping they dont
The key issue is that buy and large, white people fear being labeled as racist rather than actually perpetuating racism. It stems from the fact that social labels in the US were created by White people as a way to create in and out groups. Getting a "bad" label put on them is jarring. They're no longer just a person, they're a Racist person. Then making racially charged remarks or acting in ways consistent with racism are fine; until theyre called out for it and subsequently labeled. Only at that point do the bells and whistles go off. That's when they try defending themselves against a "bad" label.
When they make public apologies, it's not for the Black victim. It's seeking exoneration from the white community so the label gets invalidated. It's always
"I didn't know that was racist"
"That's not who I really am"
"I have a lot of learning to do"
"I just hope you all can forgive me"
But never acknowledging the actual harm done. Never acknowledging the humiliation. Never acknowledging the dehumanization. Never acknowledging the pain. Never acknowledging the loss of life.
A proper apology for racism can never be done with a focus on the White perpetrator.
