Not that I was a big account before lol but I went inactive and just kinda kept this space for if I ever wanted to look at the info I’ve gathered here again. To get myself back out there, I’m gonna try to talk about what happened last time, what little happened while I was gone, and how I’m feeling today.
So when I started this account, at 27, the time I was here I started out researching and reaching out to Loki. I had a bit of a convoluted reason for being here, having started out my research as an atheist, but found myself much closer to believing than I ever thought I would be. So I researched Heathenry, Norse myths, and started looking into other people’s experiences.
Then I had a dream about Hela. It was only one, but it stuck out to me, and so my focus turned to Her. I still reached out to Loki and experimented with others, not wanting to jump to conclusions or think myself so special I was just being Called or something. I was getting excited about Hel, but I didn’t want to make big commitments I wasn’t ready for, and (as far as I could discern at the time) She wasn’t actually looking for any. I was just overexcited. Wanting to offer myself up. So I kinda tempered my focus on Her with efforts to learn about and research others, from in and without Norse myths. I never identified as a Heathen. Though I looked into it, it didn’t feel quite right.
I often, to different degrees, thought I felt Hel’s and Loki’s presence, though I wasn’t exactly ‘working’ with either of them yet, just reaching out, trying to connect. I didn’t want to ask Them for things, cause even though I didn’t exactly know what I wanted from all this, I was mostly drawn to the fact and feel of Their existences. The growing belief, in varying steps of “oh shit this might be real” was addicting.i saw the relationships others had to their Deities and to reality through their practices, and felt connected to the world in ways I hadn’t- so initially, i only really asked for things when my anxious ass got so scared I really wanted to believe one of Them might help me (ie, my general car anxiety getting worked up during my commutes, and times that bad storms/tornadoes would come through).
I started to believe I was seeing synchronicities, and when I’d invite Hel or Loki into my space, I tried to be honest/discerning about what I felt, and tried to gather divination tools and learn to use them. It was honestly less hard to gain messages as it was to feel confident in them.
Feeling Their presences was a range of strength as I got more regular about my practice, wearing away at my skepticism. How did I remain in-between confident enough about it to engage so wholeheartedly? I honestly don’t know. Maybe hope? Maybe loneliness? Maybe just general pull to the experience?
At any rate, I made a small altar at my desk, and tried to sit at it in the morning and at night. At night I came up with kind of a little ritual, meditating, playing animal crossing (was trying to build a little town in dedication).
Throughout the day, I’d try to make little offerings whenever I’d eat something, and try to feel for Their presences. I tried to get offerings I thought They’d each like, but I also just offered some of whatever I was having.
Sometimes, obviously, I’d feel nothing. Sometimes, I felt Them, with few distinct words- like an emotional presence, almost. Sometimes it was stronger and the words were so clear I’d feel afraid to believe it or talk about it. “Surely I’m just making this up” I’d think.
A couple of times, I would feel Hel’s presence seemingly out of nowhere- the sensation was so intense. It was so exciting.
Then finally one day, doing my little nightly ritual, I tried a bit of automatic writing, reaching out to Hel. It wasn’t my first time trying it, but it didn’t really even work as automatic writings then. It felt, for the first time, like I truly wasn’t in control of where my fingers moved.
I was so happy I was overwhelmed. I spent the next day extremely pleased and excited. My doubts were pretty much extinguished. Hel was responding to me. She wanted to work on something with me.
Then… I stopped. Occasionally I dragged myself into something, but more and more I just found excuses not to keep up this practice. When I did try, I couldn’t get there, likely because my consistency was falling apart.
What happened, I believe, is I hit my threshold between hoping and believing. Once I finally believed I was speaking with a real, true Being suddenly I was just in fight or flight. The happiness and excitement had been real, but so was the terror. It ranged from terror at the unknown extent of what all She might want from me, to simple lack of social spoons to interaction with anybody real, much less Someone I wanted to impress so badly.
So after a few weeks, I drifted so far away from actually doing anything I just decided that I was going to stop. Maybe I had created something like a tulpa by accident, I told myself. And regardless, it was unrealistic for me to think I could adopt a whole spiritual practice in secret in my current situation. There was a fantasy of what I wanted, but I was afraid to get it because it could easily be too much, and I wasn’t afraid to get it, if getting it meant I’d gone off the deep end, or something, as opposed to actually getting it. I was also afraid, embarrassingly afraid, of simple rejection. Both total and partial. What if She wanted nothing to do with me? What if She was cool to work with me but there was nothing special about our relationship? I mean, I didn’t have to be fated or claimed by Her or something, but whether by fate or by simple relationship building, I was somewhat afraid She’d want me, just at arms length, if that makes sense? I don’t know. I was afraid of filling in the blanks with wish fulfillment and then being crushed later as I improved at discernment. Not that our communication had been on big topics at all so far. I was just a mess. What if my thoughts went embarrassing places when I was trying to speak to Her mentally? What if, what if…
So I stopped. But for the last few months, and then more frequently the last few days a few things made me think of Hel, and then all of a sudden I was hit with this “I need to reach out to Her again.” Within a few days, I’ve gotten the stuff for Her altar back in place, Ive got Her anchors placed there, and I’ve started giving Her some offerings. I’ve even felt Her presence, though of course nothing has been as clear as before yet.
I feel much more All-in, and very not concerned with much any other Deity right now, though I still gave my Loki items their place back as well.
I probably won’t be sharing much about my interactions with Her, should She choose to respond to my calls. At least not for a while. Mainly because the way I’m feeling, the only one I want to tell me I’m wrong about much anything I do is Hel, right now. But I still want to meet and get to know people and interact! So I’ll try to have an in between as far as what I share haha.
I kinda want to change my url to something Hel-centric, but I want to wait a little since I just came back. If I’m struck with inspiration, I’ll change it in a week or so
origamiaround
germansingergirl
janainaart
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
