exasperated apostate

standing in solidarity with all ex-religious people 

[leavingeden-blog1]

hello new followers! i didn’t expect my latest post to blow up so much, but i am so very glad that it seems to be hitting a few chords. i’d really like to get to know some more ex-religious people, so feel free to send a message! or tell me your story! or not if that makes you uncomfortable! sending so much love to all of you💞💞💞

[leavingeden-blog1]

A Short Guide to Courtesy Towards Those with Religious Trauma

Disclaimer: I am only speaking for myself and my experiences within Christianity. Though some of these points may apply to other ex-faiths, I am not knowledgeable enough to talk about them all. It would be really helpful to see other lists like this for ex-mormons/ex-muslims/ex-cult/ex-moonies/ex-catholics and others, however that’s not my place to do so! 

First off, what is religious trauma?

Religious trauma is mainly defined as resulting from an authoritarian, dogmatic religion and the act of leaving the religion and unlearning/coping with the harmful doctrines

However, spiritual abuse will almost always result in a variety of different forms of abuse including, but not limited to: child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and neglect 

Long lasting side affects can result in: suppression of normal child development, damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities, long-term physical and mental health problems, confusion, poor critical thinking ability, negative beliefs about self-ability and self-worth, black and white thinking, perfectionism, difficulty with decision-making, depression, anxiety, anger, grief, loneliness, difficulty with pleasure, loss of meaning, loss of social network, family rupture, social awkwardness, sexual difficulty, behind schedule on developmental tasks, unfamiliarity with secular world; “fish out of water” feelings, difficulty belonging, information gaps (e.g. evolution, modern art, music)

(For a better understanding, I would advise you to read the information on this website. It is possible that not everyone who has experienced spiritual abuse will develop religious trauma syndrome and I am not a psychologist, however it is the most helpful way of detailing the detrimental affects of dealing with this specific kind of abuse. Feel free to correct me if i made any errors with this statement!)  

Which brings us to the main point. How do you have a safe dialogue with someone who has been religiously abused? 

There is a gross lack of resources out there for religious trauma, and because of this there is a large amount of ignorance. This post is mainly centered around ex-christian interaction with practicing Christians, though it can be applied to other areas. Please note that this reference list comes from several personal conversations and experiences, so it may not be relatable to everyone. 

Someone sharing their trauma with you is a serious thing. If someone chooses to confide in you, that normally means they have a great amount of trust in you and are looking for security, acceptance and love.  

‘‘You just had a bad experience with the church!’‘

Why is this harmful?: 

It’s dismissing the trauma that someone has personally experienced and witnessed. Most times this will come from someone who feels threatened by the notion that faith can be a perpetrator of abuse. Saying this gives the distinct impression that you could care less about what the person has experienced. It’s a good way to ensure that the person confiding in you never shares anything personal with you ever again. Someone who has spent the majority of their life centered around faith has probably been to more churches than you have. 

‘‘Not all Christians are like that!’‘

Why is this harmful?:

This one is the most common. Again, it dismisses the experiences of the person confiding in you. It’s similar to the phrase ‘’not all men’’ in the way that it jumps to the defense of the abusive party, assuming you are attacking the majority. The person confiding in you knows that all Christians are not the same. It’s also fair to mention that the majority of ‘’good’’ Christians are viewed by more dogmatic sects as ‘’false’’ Christians. 

‘‘______ aren’t true Christians!’‘

Why is this harmful?:

This isn’t helpful. Instead of acknowledging that people who share your faith can be toxic, it’s simply discrediting them and shoving them under a rug. Authoritative religious leaders will do the exact same thing, dismissing acts by more liberal Christians as ungodly and sinful. 

‘’God loves you and would never hurt you!’’    

Why is this harmful?:

Most people who have experienced religious trauma have been terrorized by the concept of God. Disobedience is avoided out of the fear of God bringing harm to them or their loved ones. God’s ‘’love’’ is similar to that of an abusive father or spouse. In most deconversions, even when belief is gone there is still a fundamental fear of God. The image of a kind God is a foreign concept.

‘‘You should try _____ instead!’‘

Why is this harmful?:

Spiritually abused people can either be incredibly defensive against all forms of religion or extremely susceptible to be pulled back into an abusive religion while trying to heal from their previous one. If someone is visibly alarmed by religious topics, they don’t want to talk about them. 

‘‘Why do you hate Christians???’‘

Why is this harmful?:

Traumatized people have a right to talk about their abuse just like you have the right to talk about your beliefs. If you care about improving your faith, there should be an interest in hearing the experiences of those who have been spiritually abused without acting like you are being directly attacked. Calling out an abusive system and the abusers inside the system does not include the people who are suffering inside the system or trying their best to reform it (though some ex-religious people may want nothing to do with any kind of church reform). 

‘‘If you think Christianity is bad, then what about ____ ? Are you going to ignore that???’‘ 

Coming from the perspective of a Westerner, America is very centered on Christianity because we are a majority Christian nation. People who have broken away from Christianity will mainly focus on Christianity because that’s their experience and what they’re knowledgeable enough to talk about. However, it’s our job as ex-religious people to stand in solidarity with other ex-religious people and to learn about their struggles. Focusing on one abuse does not mean that you do not care about the others. 

Other Topics:

Racism, homophobia, transphobia and misogyny are incredibly prevalent in the church. Bending over backwards to prove that the Bible doesn’t approve of any of these things is most times neither helpful or wanted, though the intention can be well-meaning. 

So, what should I say?

The proper way to start a dialogue with an ex-religious person is what you should do for any abuse or trauma victim. 

Listen to them just like you would anyone else! 

You don’t have to defend what you believe, or try to convince them that there are good religions. You just have to want to listen. 

[beautiful---nightmare]

Child indoctrination

Something that really makes me feel sad and sick is how children are indoctrinated. It’s so sad to see, I see it near enough everyday and if there’s one thing I could stop religion from doing, it’s targeting children. You’re taking away a child’s innocence and forcing them into believing and practising something that they shouldn’t be doing. They don’t know any better. They don’t know what they’re doing, what any of it means, what it’s worth. I see kids reading off Quran or bible verses. Changing Allah or Jesus. It’s like if I got my kid to learn and rap Eminem songs. You’d think I was fucking insane. You’re brainwashing your kids by making them believe in what you believe. If you wanna have religious kids, wait until they’re old enough to know better. But by then it’s too late. So it all works out anyway.

Child indoctrination is child abuse. I’ve seen kids cry during religious prayers and as someone who has managed to escape the toxicity of religion it’s some of the most heart breaking shit I’ll probably ever see.

[theotherjudas]

Any “god”

that demands total, blind, and unquestioning obedience;

that condemns ANY of his children to eternal torment;

that holds salvation constantly just out of reach;

that equates peace with destruction;

that permits atrocities committed in his name;

that permits his children to be “led astray” and then damns them for it;

that demands sacrifices of time, money, and life in order to satisfy its need for adoration;

that allows his followers to hate or hurt ANY SINGLE ONE of his children, regardless of their supposed flaws or shortcomings or differences;

is a “god” worthy of no respect or worship. This is a “god” worthy only of ridicule and resistance. 

[lifeofanexmormon]

When I was eight, I got baptised. I remember my mom telling me she was so proud of the choice I made. But when I turned 13, I remember telling her I didn’t want to attend church any more. She told me I was too young to make a decision like that. I realized then that I only had the illusion of choice. If it wasn’t in the confines of my parents beliefs, then it didn’t exist.

[bookshop]

Quick tips to tell if you’re in a cult-like social group

Most people know about the obvious signs that you’re in a cult — you know the ones: 

an emphasis on complete trust in/loyalty/devotion to the group’s spiritual leader or founder, etc. 

a relentless emphasis on giving money to the group

a sense that everyone seems weirdly too happy

the practice of love bombing

being encouraged to isolate yourself from your other friends/family

being told anyone not in the group is an enemy / on the outside / not to be trusted (which also makes it impossible for critical thinking about what the group is doing to you to reach you without being automatically discounted)

being discouraged from talking about the group or its internal goings-on

the higher levels of the group’s governance being hidden except to only a few elite members

an emphasis on extreme groupthink / being discouraged to ask critical questions of the group or question its direction of the leaders directly

These are really well-known red flags, but often cults work initially on a much more insidious level to indoctrinate users. By the time the person is really being pressured to isolate themselves from their friends and family, for example, they’re often in too deep, and worn down too spiritually and mentally, to be able to rationally evaluate what’s happening to them. The phrase ‘mind control’ gets tossed around a lot, but cults really do break down your mental ability to fight back. And this happens early and often and systematically, until you’re in over your head. 

So how to twig to dangerous signs of indoctrination before it gets to that point? Here are some less well-known signs that you might be in a cult-like or otherwise seriously dysfunctional, potentially dangerous social group. I want to stress that this list is compiled entirely based on my own personal experience with cults and cult-like groups (which is probably more extensive than most people’s). And I especially want to stress that you don’t have to be in a “cult” to become the victim of these kinds of social groups — they can materialize very easily given the right ingredients, regardless of what activity the group is built around. These signs can appear in a group as small as two people. They’re still dysfunctional and dangerous and should be seen as red flags.

If your group is like this, you might be in a cult (or headed there):

Pressure to Level Up: You have a default leader or set of leaders who serve as mentors for the others in the group, and there’s a persistence emphasis on ‘leveling up’ to become group leaders also. 

Bombardment: Your leaders frequently bombard you with questions, and often repeat the same questions to you over and over again even after you’ve given them answers, insisting that you keep answering until you give them the ‘correct’ answer. This tactic creates mental fatigue and dependence in the subject and keeps the subject too exhausted and worn down to resist or think too critically about what the leaders are trying to teach you.

Negging: The group leaders use lots and lots of negging — that is, they consistently negatively challenge your assumptions about yourself or your level of knowledge about a given topic —in order to get you to constantly admit that you’re wrong and that they have more to teach you.

Urgency: The group seems to be constantly operating under a sense of urgency — either the urgency of your own personal development, the urgency of meeting a shared group goal, the urgency of an upcoming event or project, or some other urgent issue. 

Crisis: Adjacent to the idea of urgency is the idea of crisis — you as an individual are constantly pushed to recognize that you are in crisis and need the group to help you, and you are constantly being urged to help others in the group who are in crisis. This can also lead to a subsequent fake “high” when you’ve addressed and conquered (momentarily) whatever this immediate crisis is — but there’s always a new crisis moment around the corner.

Competition: In addition to leveling up, there’s also a side-emphasis on competition between the lower level group members — the leaders will play favorites, manipulate you and pit you against one another, then abruptly you may find yourself out of favor without any explanation, scrambling to get back into the leader’s good graces. Again, all of this is about keeping you on edge and emotionally dependent.

No sleep: A common pattern of behavioral dependency is that, in the middle of all the bombardment, urgency, crises, intense mandatory group bonding, and pressure to compete for affection, group members are encouraged to get little sleep. If your group meetings regularly start super-early in the morning and/or last until extreme hours in the evening, it’s a red flag. It seems especially common for the bombardment sessions — where you’re bombarded with exhausting hours of questions — to last into the late hours, until you’re exhausted.

Exhaustion/stress: you constantly feel mentally/emotionally exhausted and drained after spending time with the group, even if you’ve had incredible highs while you’re with them. (This is your body’s way of ringing all the alarms at once, telling you to get the fuck out.)

Here’s another more granular list of red flags to watch for.

If you think you might be in a cult or want to talk to someone about another potentially harmful group you’re in, your best bet is to 1) talk to an old friend or family member not affiliated with the group and work out an exit plan; 2) find and talk to a cult recovery therapist near you. (Many cult recovery groups are also run by churches, which I would recommend you avoid, at least while you’re breaking away from the group.) And you can IM me at any time.

If anyone else out there has experience with cults or knows other resources for anyone trying to leave them please feel free to reblog and pass on your own tips!

(This post brought to you by a discussion about scientology, of course)

[lizardywizard]

This is actually really important. I’ve seen small groups that weren’t organised, complex or powerful enough to have many of the first set of traits, but they had a lot of the second set.

[ida-backwards-intherain]

Some other things to look out for:

Invasions of privacy, or measures taken to prevent you from having privacy in the first place

Teaching that privacy is bad for your well-being

Treating close friendships between individuals as a threat to the group

Encouraging you to share private information about other people

Group leaders/higher members routinely breaching confidentiality

Not permitting you to point out anything negative about higher members, even when they are very blatantly doing something wrong

Even if you are permitted to have a life outside of the group (relationships, interests, activities, etc.), it is not recognised as a “personal life”; you are expected to disclose it to higher members.

[speakingwhentheworldsleeps]

It’s such a strange view to me now as an ex-Christian, but one that I think needs to be pointed out, because I think it reveals a lot about American Evangelical culture. Might makes right. You worship God because he’s the big bad power who could torture you if you didn’t. You worship God because he’s the big bad power who’s choosing not to torture you, and how incredible is that? Don’t you feel forever indebted to him because he could kill you and isn’t? You worship God because he’s the big bad power who is now the big, bad power on your side and he’ll destroy your enemies because the Bible promised it.

“The ‘Might Makes Right’ God” via somaticstrength (via speakingwhentheworldsleeps)

[ptsdandflowers]

It’s ok to hate who traumatized you. Hate them. Hate them again and again. You owe them nothing. Just don’t let it consume you. You deserve happiness and peace. You can hate them and still have that.

[queerlilith]

[beautiful---nightmare]

So Ramadan is coming up

With Ramadan approaching, I thought to make a little post about tips and tricks for getting through Ramadan for the ex Muslim. I should say that these tips and tricks don’t work for everyone. You’ve gotta look at your own family and decide what’s best for yourself.

1. Stockpiling. Basically just storing food in your room or your bag or whatever. Chocolate, biscuits, cake. Whatever you fancy and just hiding it away. Avoid things that make a lot of noise. Things that crackle or have loud packaging. So don’t eat a big packet of crisps while your entire family is home. Store water too. You can buy a ton of water fairly cheaply. Here in the U.K. in Tescos or something you can get a 2 litre bottle of water for like 50p.

2. Saving up money. This is another great way to get through Ramadan. If you’re at school or university or at work. Put some money aside so you can buy food. Grab yourself a sandwich or a drink. If you have maybe classmates or colleagues that are Muslim and can’t know you’re not one it’s worth going out somewhere more secluded to eat. For me personally, there’s a nice little park around the corner from my house. No one I know really goes down there so it’s a nice place for me to eat if i need to.

3. Be a woman. I’m not one myself but apparently, if you’re on your period you don’t have to fast. So that can be a good way to get out of it. If your house is mostly men, we tend not to track your monthly cycles so you can extend it to a two week period but don’t go overboard with it. Chances are your period will land during Ramadan anyway, if its at the start of the month try to avoid letting people its that time of the month. By that I mean be more discreet when throwing tampons or pads away

4. Fake an illness. We’ve all done this to get out of school. Everyone has. I’ve done it myself. It’s not difficult to do and they might expect it too. You go from eating several meals a day to having just one big one. Your body is gonna take a bit of a hit. Especially with how dehydrated you can get. Plant the seed the day before and then the next day just stay in bed and groan to make out you’re sick.

5. Drink tap water. Hydration is probably the biggest reason fasting during Ramadan is so difficult. You’ve gotta stay hydrated. If you can’t stockpile water or buy it then drink tap water. It’s clean and cold. It doesn’t smell and there’s no evidence if you drink it. Unlike juice or biscuits for example, you can smell it on your breath. You might have crumbs on your shirt, you might’ve had to throw the bottle away. So tap water is a great alternative.

6. Getting out of taraweh prayers. This is another area I guess being a woman can help. You’re not obligated to pray taraweh at night. If you can get away with it, tell your parents that you’ll read at home. And then sit in your room and go on tumblr. Like we all do when we pray anyway. If you are made to go to mosque, alone that is. Just don’t go to mosque. Go for walks. Maybe see if a friend can come out to hang around with. Pretty much every year there will always be a group teenagers who go to mosque but don’t pray. They just stand outside the mosque and smoke. I used to do that all the time. Even when I was Muslim. If your family go with you, it’s a little difficult. It’s worth using the size of your mosque to your advantage. If it’s a big mosque with lots of people, you’ll have a better chance of sneaking off, especially if you sit on the opposite end from your family. My dad usually goes with me to taraweh. The mosque we go to is big but there aren’t many people there. Most leave after 8 rakats anyway. So what I do is, I make sure he sees me on the opposite end so he knows my whereabouts, and then leave after 2 or 6 rakats, since they read a dua after 4 it’s not the best time to leave. Then you can sneak back in when they pray witr and bobs your uncle. Well not bob. Maybe Muhammad is your uncle.

7. Dealing with increased religiosity. This is another difficult thing about Ramadan in general. It turns the wannabe thug Muslims who smoke and drink and sleep around to become scholars. Everyone becomes more religious. It’s the holiest month in Islam and honestly, the only way I can see avoiding that, is to either be at home for as little time as possible, and that’s about it really. There’s no other way to deal with it. You’re just gonna have to grow thick skin and deal with it. Now the pressure might get to you and Ramadan is probably gonna be the month where you’re most likely to tell people you’re no longer Muslim, but don’t take that risk. Just deal with it as best as you can.

I should mention with some of these tips it all depends on your family. Not all of these work for me myself but they’re just little things you can do. Also, try to do these things later on in the month rather than at the start. During the middle and end, people get more tired, they become a little less alert to certain things. Your parents might not care if you spend all day in your room.

[pencileater]

protect ex-religious lgbt kids who’ve been hurt by the religion they left

protect ex-religious lgbt kids who struggle with losing their faith as they learn to love and accept themselves

protect ex-religous lgbt kids who can’t or don’t want to reconcile themselves with their religious background

protect ex-religious lgbt kids from people who would tell them “not all religious people are like this so the hurt you’ve endured and reasons for losing your faith aren’t good enough”

protect ex-religious lgbt kids from people who would tell them their recovery from religious abuse isn’t “a real, full recovery” or is tragic instead of inspiring because they aren’t able or don’t want to keep or return to their old faith