The Other Judas

Ex-Mormon. Male. 20s. Unapologetic Atheist Apostate. Reclaiming my name. Ex-mo and questioning-mormon answers, camaraderie, and support. Writer. Amateur historian. Skeptic. Infinitely curious. PLEASE ASK ANYTHING- I’m here to help.

[theotherjudas]

How old am I? I participated in the Hosanna Shout at the new Conference Center dedication, that’s how old. *shiver*

[theotherjudas]

ME: Who is god? 

BRIGHAM YOUNG: 

[theotherjudas]

I’ve only read some of your posts so maybe I missed it.. I’m just curious if you believe in a God? Or higher power?

Hi! Thanks for the question. And a good one too!

Short answer: I do not believe in god. I do not believe in any god, as such. No monotheistic deity of the Abrahamic traditions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam). None of the thousands (millions?) of gods from any of the ancient polytheistic traditions. 

That said, I don’t have a problem with “god.” The concept. People have reasons to believe and worship, and frankly none of them concern me. So long as you keep your beliefs out of my life and politics, I honestly don’t give a shit what you believe in, no matter how batshit or abhorrent I find it. Everyone has the right and prerogative to lead their lives as they see fit... so long as it doesn’t encroach on my or anyone else’s right to do the same. 

And there’s the true crux of the issue for me. I have massive problems with people. I take extreme umbrage to organized religions, which I cannot help but see as nothing more than machines of control, systems of mental and emotional slavery. I take issue in the utmost with these institutions pushing their weight around to spread ignorance and hate through society and politics. Cannot fucking stand it. Will not fucking abide it. 

As for a “higher power”... eh? No, not really. 

I believe that man created god. Humankind, because we can conceive of a vast, frightening, as-yet-unknowable universe around us, and glimpse but a sliver of it, wants so desperately to understand that we perceive our thirst and quest for answers as a higher calling. We’re curious creatures. And life is so supremely difficult and unsatisfying. We want there to be more. And that’s good, in my book! That desire drives us to explore, to create. We don’t need god or religion to give us meaning. We create the meaning, each of us, in our individual lives, and (can) together as a society. 

And I thinks that’s beautiful. 

Without getting into the theological weeds here, if you or anyone else thinks of “god” as that higher calling to create beauty and meaning in the world, then sure. I don’t, but sure. As for me and my house, we serve the goodness of our own lives and the lives of our fellow human beings. 

[theotherjudas]

How the fuck did he find me??

[theotherjudas]

“When did you become an atheist?” 

Me: “I was born an atheist. Mormonism was just a phase.” 

[theotherjudas]

Mormon conspiracy theory No. 961

I have no proof for this, but... here’s a random musing from my half-conscious brain last night. 

When I was in the church and someone abbreviated “Doctrine and Covenants” as “D&C,” a leader would - without fail - take at least five minutes (and often longer) to sermonize on why it’s “Doctrine and Covenants” only. Dudes would literally stop sacrament meeting to tell a speaker off for doing it. 

Seems a little overly sensitive to me...

D&C....

Dee N Cee

Almost all mormons are Republicans. In spirit, if not card-carrying registered members of the party. The church literally spends money it CANNOT LEGALLY SPEND to support Republican agenda items like stopping gay marriage and marijuana legalization. 

Wasn’t always that way. Heber J. Grant was a Democrat - back when that meant something slightly different. But once he got into a spat with FDR over the New Deal (Socialism! Oh the horror! Not like the Law of Consecration AT ALL!) I doubt many members kept voting for the left. 

All I’m saying is “D&C” sounds a whole lot like “DNC” - the Democratic National Committee. 

And god forbid members sound like they’re endorsing pervert commie filth. 

[theotherjudas]

Mainstreaming

This past General Conference, LDS President Russell M. Nelson reiterated his edict about the name of the church.

It’s The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Not Latter-Day Saints. Not LDS. Not Mormons.

Nelson claimed in his Sunday morning address that this policy of removing the term ‘Mormon’ from all official parlance (and all casual conversation) is not rebranding but “ a correction” and “the command of the Lord.”

And yes, that’s the official name of the church. But why has Nelson got such a big stick up his 94-year-old ass about it?

The answer, I feel, lies in the culture and history of the movement known as Mormonism.

Mormonism doesn’t just relate exclusively to the Salt Lake City/LDS/ Brighamite group. It also refers to ALL the other break-off sects that followed the rise of Joseph Smith’s movement in the late 19th century. It includes to this day polygamists, fundamentalists, reformers. Even ex-Mormons and anti-Mormons may arguably belong to this ecosystem.

The history of Mormonism is a tale of crime, treason against the government, murder, war, sexual aggression, rape, genocide, colonialism, racism, sexism, homophobia- basically every bad thing you can imagine. Right down to the fugitive from the Law that was Joe Smith. That’s why the church is so insistent on teaching their own version of history. Fake history. Lies. Propaganda. Engineered to keep the sheep simple.

Don’t be fooled. This IS rebranding, pure and simple.

Nelson is merely following the cue of leaders before him along the arc of mainstreaming the religion. His most stringent contention is that all nicknames remove the words “Jesus Christ” from the name, thus giving the impression that Mormons are 1) not really Christians (which, arguably, when deeper doctrine is examined, they are not), and 2) letting Satan score a major victory against the saints. He actually said that. Satan is winning because the members of the church are calling themselves Mormons.

This is such a slippery, cynical move. You know what tells the world that you follow the teachings of Jesus to care for the poor and defenseless and downtrodden? Dealing with predatory bishops’ interviews. Reporting sexual offenders to the proper authorities. Protecting the children. I could go on and on... You know what doesn’t matter a flipping fuck to tell people you care about a Christian message? A goddamn name.

This is all about appearances. Style not substance. Call it Christ’s church all you like- if you’re not DOING what you claim to believe, you’re a fucking hypocrite.

I, for one, will never stop calling them Mormons. That’s what they are. They MUST bear the weight of the legacy they celebrate- they must wear the history of evil on their sleeves. And we must hold them to it. Don’t let them get away with mainstreaming.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a violent, brainwashing, manipulating, anti-intellectual cult.

If Mormons are too pussy to call themselves Mormons, I for one, will do it for them.

[theotherjudas]

Chile

I was just informed that my brother got his mission call. Fuck. 

“Little Guy” (we used to call him that because when he was a toddler he called me “Big Guy” and he looks just like me) is now eighteen and 6′ 4″ and preparing to take engineering in college. But just this week he got his mission call from Dirty Rusty and the boys (First Presidency). 

He’s going to Chile. 

My family is fucking thrilled. 

Despite being the fifth boy in our family, he’s only the third to go on a mission. I didn’t go. Then Aaron didn’t go. We moved out, moved away, moved on. But then DC got his call - Madagascar. Then Monty - France. Now Little Guy. 

Chile. Spanish-speaking.

The light and warmth in his face as he read the letter aloud... could not have made a harsher contrast to the cold and sinking feeling in my gut. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what I really felt, would have said, had the situation been different. 

I would have said, so much for four years of French, huh? 

I would have said, are you sure?

I would have said, you’ve got so much more potential that this. 

I would have said, you have no idea what a colossal mistake you’re making. 

I would have said...

But I didn’t. 

My aunt, my mom’s sister went to Chile. My grandparents are beaming. Little Guy’s scrolling through Google Maps to find the mission area. I couldn’t say... so 

I said, I love you. If you’re happy, I’m happy. 

I said that. But it was a lie. 

I’m not happy. I’m fucking devastated. 

Each new brother who goes, I feel massive amounts of guilt. I can’t replicate the conditions that got me out for someone else. Nor should I try. It would be disrespectful to my experiences and theirs. 

Buddy’s only sixteen. Will he go too? Is there anything I can do to help him before then? 

I should have done more. Could have done more, to show them a better way. 

But I’m afraid of coming off as evangelizing, a missionary for apostasy and atheism. I’m afraid of making things awkward. Worst of all, I’m afraid of crossing a line, being so honest that my brothers want nothing to do with me. 

Someday I might have to. But I retreated for now. Into guilt. Into wondering, what can I DO?? 

I wish I had something profound to say. I wish I had some bright insight that could lead me out of these twisted woods. 

I’m going to miss Little Guy when he leaves in two months. But I can see I’m already grieving him, like I’ve lost him. 

Maybe... maybe someday there’ll be something I can say, some action to take, some wise word, some flash of inspiration... Maybe. But for now, I’m tired. I’m exhausted. The hits keep on coming. 

This is a fucking war the mormon church is leading against our young people, our people, ALL PEOPLE. This is a war against families, my family. 

Gotta rest up. There’ll be more battles in the morning. 

[theotherjudas]

If you can’t handle Joseph Smith at his No Man Knows My History then you don’t deserve him at his Saints: The Standard of Truth.

[theotherjudas]

Happiness!

“...men are, that they might have joy” - 2 Nephi 2:25

Mormon culture puts perhaps its highest premium on the happiness of the members of the church. For those of us who have survived the TMB life and lived to tell the tale, we know just how very loaded a term “happiness” can be in a mormon mouth. 

We ex-mos know that in the church “happiness” is a behavior, not an emotional state. We know that the church teaches that happiness comes by being near to god, which means obedience to “his” will... which ACTUALLY means obedience to “his” earthly leaders, the prophets, apostles, bishops, etc. And the more total and blind your faith obedience is, the “happier” you will be (should be... MUST BE!). A lack of happiness, in fact (or depression, or questioning) means you are weak and straying from the Straight and Narrow Path, wandering toward damnation. We know that “happiness” is momo-speak for a whole constellation of concepts in the complicated and internally contradictory Mormon eschatology called the “Plan of Salvation” or the “Plan of Happiness.” So dense and inscrutable is this deep doctrine, in fact, that its singular point appears to be total incomprehensibility. If you can’t read the map, you can’t find the treasure. For all the church’s claims to eternal answers, no one really understands how Joe’s polygamous Russian nesting doll extra-terrestrial fuck-fest actually works. And so, to mormons “happiness” means TRYING to be happy. It means STRIVING. 

Striving to be worthy. Striving to be obedient. Striving to be kind and caring. Striving to be good. 

But also, striving to BE SEEN AS GOOD.

One of the things that “broke my shelf” and lead me out of Mormonism at an early age, was seeing just how fake “happiness” among members of the church is. Mormons are fucking OBSESSED with image. They must be seen to be observing all the laws at all times. (Otherwise, what’s the point of doing the right thing, right? if you don’t get any credit for doing it???)

Mormons must have perfect homes. Perfect marriages. Perfect children. Perfect smiles. 

The oft-repeated Gentile refrain regarding mormons is that they are so cheerful all the time. Always upbeat. Always smiling. Always singing. Always happy. 

Sure. Maybe in public. Maybe. 

But behind closed doors... we ex-mos know that truth. We know that happiness in Mormonism is a patina at best. It rarely reaches further than skin-deep. We know that no home is perfect. No marriage is. No child is. Perfection is an impossible standard. But striving to reach that impossible standard is what drives most TBMs every day to try harder. The church membership are Tantalus reaching for the untouchable fruit, unaware that they are about to drown (and worse! thinking that if they drown, it’s their own goddamn fault!). 

I’m cynical. I’m a depressed asshole with an axe to grind. My definition of happiness is best summed up by Don Draper in MadMen: “But what is happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness.” (”Commissions and Fees”, episode 512). I’m sure fighting my way out of the LDS church and seeing its definition of happiness for the sham and trick it is fucked me more than a little on that front. Even so. 

The other weekend I had the privilege, the honor!, of attending an event in which happiness - true, sincere, full-hearted happiness - was front and center. An event that melted my cynical heart and filled me with genuine joy. 

My cousin got married!! My cousin who until a few short months ago I still assumed to be TBM. She survived her own fraught journey out of the church and came out the other side stronger than ever. My beautiful genius cousin married a handsome, charming, intelligent man in a gorgeous Jewish ceremony. (I’m really not hyperbolizing - these guys are next-level awesome people). The wedding and the rehearsal dinner before were a blast! So much delicious food! So much laugher! So many cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and friends and good people everywhere! 

I hope they will forgive the moody opening of this post, but I think it’s necessary in order to highlight my point. Amid the nuptial festivities, I couldn’t help but notice the extreme contrast between the family sides. His - east-coast, Jewish, professional class (from what I could tell...) . Hers - mountain-west, Anglo-Scandinavian mormons, mostly blue-collar and middle class. Now, to be 100% clear, I sensed not a drop of tension between the families. Everyone got along swimmingly. But I did notice something odd in how my side - the mormon side -reacted to the ceremony and the reception. 

Sure, there was a bit of unsteadiness in the ceremony - few of the bride’s side had ever been to a Jewish wedding before, or even had that much experience with Jewish people (except for my brother Aaron, who lives in an Orthodox neighborhood in Manhattan, and myself, who plays in a local Jewish community symphony). But the thing that really through my family for a loop was just how ecstatically and demonstrably HAPPY the groom’s side was. 

They sang! They danced! They clapped and laughed during the ceremony!! (Oh my god - to see my parents’ faces when that happened! I nearly died!). I honestly felt right at home. These are people who know what happiness is. And they were there to party! They know that family is a true joy whoever that family may be, even if they now include a bunch of cowboy mormons from Wyoming. My family had a wonderful time too, to be sure. There were smiles and tears. But they did not EXPRESS nearly as much. “Everything in moderation.” Even happiness, I guess... 

Aaron and I danced right along. How could we not? Joy is infectious.  We even got to participate in the hora (that’s the “chair dance,” for all you Gentiles out there), holding my cousin’s chair. That was so much fun!!  It was a highlight among many highlights, getting to share that moment. 

This is what happiness is. 

Happiness is a family celebrating love as loudly and as largely as they can. Happiness is two people committing to one another one their own terms. Happiness is love. 

Happiness is living your own life. For you. For the ones you love. My cousin and her husband reminded me of that. I can’t thank them enough for having me at their wedding. I’ll remember it always. 

I wish them and their families all the happiness this world has to offer. 

[theotherjudas]

Porter Rockwell - Mormon Hero

Orrin Porter Rockwell. The “Destroying Angel of Mormondom.”

One of the great figures of Mormonism’s early days. A folk hero forever exalted to the pantheon of Mormon mythology.

The man was an honest-to-god psychopath. (Jesus, just look at the maniac’s peepers!)

When I was a kid, Ol’ Port was touted to the young men of the church as a kind of aspirational figure. A man so incredibly strong in his faith in the prophet Joseph that he put himself on the line, body and soul, to defend him from his enemies. A defender of the faith. A latter-day Ammon. A loose cannon who’s heart was in the right place. A pistol-wielding madman who killed for he Lord. The kind of fellow the Elders spoke of with raised eyebrows- “Brother Porter was... a character.” You can see why he might appeal to a certain adolescent masculine imagination. I even had some Porter Rockwell trading cards from an Priesthood Encampment.

But there was one bit of the Porter mythos that I never heard breached in priesthood.

In May 1842, Porter Rockwell crept up to the private residence of one Lilburn Boggs and shot the man through the window with a pistol filled with buckshot. Ex-mos will recognize the name of Rockwell ‘s would-be victim. Boggs served as governor of Missouri from 1836 to 1840. Notorious for signing the “Mormon extermination order” (Missouri Executive Order 44 - October 27, 1838), Boggs both bowed to and exacerbated widespread and violent anti-LDS sentiment in the state. Spurred on to retribution by this, as well as attendant tragedies such as the Haun’s Mill Massacre (the bloodiest event of the Missouri-Mormon War, in which nearly forty saints were killed or injured by a mob), Rockwell- perhaps on the orders of Joe Smith himself- took revenge on the former governor. Boggs’ children were in the room with him at the time of the attack. Despite taking buckshot to the head and throat, Boggs managed to survive the attempt and went on to serve in both the Missouri and California state legislatures.

Let me underline this: Porter Rockwell attempted to assassinate a US politician.

The modern LDS spends a great deal of time and money propping up an image of its members as a wholesome, friendly, and deeply patriotic people. Traditional family and American values. Red, white, and blue (but mostly red). And maybe that’s true to a degree.

But just remember this: today’s Mormons still revere and celebrate a man most famous for trying to KILL A POLTICAL OPPONENT. They love this assassin.

Mormons may smile and speak cheerfully. But make no mistake. Just because it’s not the Wild West anymore doesn’t mean that the culture of the church is any less zealous. This is the LDS mindset: a mindless devotion to priesthood leadership to the point of the violence, treachery, and murder. One word from their leaders and even the friendliest would kill. Anyone might be the next Porter Rockwell. And why not? He’s a hero, right?

[theotherjudas]

Lying for the Lord

I’ve been thinking about deceit lately. 

Been spending some time in ex-mo forums online. One common theme that I see over and over and over again in the accounts of former LDS folks is the pain of confessing sins or transgressions to bishops. 

The story usually goes something like this: I gave in to temptation and did something wrong. I felt so much guilt that I couldn’t function - I felt like god hated me and that everyone around me knew I was sinning. So I went to my bishop and confessed. And instead of accepting me and counseling me, he punished me! He took my temple recommend! He said I couldn’t take the sacrament! I got sent home from my mission! Etc. Etc. Etc. 

In no way do I intend to demean or mock these people. Their experiences are rough and troubling proof of spiritually abuse in action. 

But I must confess that I read the endings - the I was punished! part - and think to myself: WHY THE HELL DID YOU TELL ANYONE?? How did you not know what was going to happen? 

But then I calm down and realize that my anger isn’t at the people who made these confessions. Not at all! They were doing it for their faith, thinking it was the right - and only - thing to do. My anger is squarely at the church. Because life under Mormonism is to balance on the knife’s edge of constant fear - public disgrace or the destruction of your eternal soul. Choose. You’ve got god’s wrath on one hand and the judgements and hatred of their fellow members on the other. It’s a real “devil and the deep blue sea” scenario. 

In the 1850s - the early Utah years when Brigham Young attempted to rule his own little theocratic Zion, so-called “Kingdom of God on earth” - the mormons practiced a very particular type of deceit called “Lying for the Lord.” As federal officials attempted to wrangle the unruly pioneers into lawfulness, Young led them in closing ranks to protect the church (and most importantly, its leaders) at all costs. They took this cue from ol’ Joe Smith himself: “That which is wrong under one circumstance may be and often is right under another. Whatever god requires is right - no matter what it is.” 

Fucked up, right? 

But the concept of Lying for the Lord is deeply baked into mormon culture - so profoundly engrained - that TBMS do it without even knowing it. 

Case in point: my own youth in the church. Maybe I’m fucked up. Maybe I’m a sociopath. Or maybe I’m just a coward, afraid of punishment. But for my entire childhood and young adulthood in the church, I LIED ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Did I feel guilty about lying? You bet I did. Constantly. I was so anxious I’m frankly surprised I never developed an ulcer. Did I pray every night that I would be able to stop? Of course. Did I take the sacrament every sabbath with the honest, sincere intent to tell the truth? Decidedly yes. And did I fail? Without a doubt. Every day. Until next week...

Now, fellow queer kids everywhere growing up in toxic, conservative homes/ cultures like mormonism will understand that lying is a tactic. A survival strategy. I am inordinately lucky I could pass (as totally straight) - to the point where I didn’t “know KNOW” I was not straight until I was about eighteen. But I do believe that my subconscious helped me perform straightness to protect myself from the undoubtably violent backlash of being different. 

But most of my lies went beyond that.  To be clear, I was DOING all the right things a good, squeaky-clean Joe-Mormon teen is supposed to be doing - seminary, scripture study, mutual, scouts, home teaching, stake speaking assignments, callings. But my heart wasn’t in it. I was doubting for years before I left the church. Nothing felt right, but I acted right. 

And acting “right” did the trick. People - my bishop and my own stake president father - bought the act, hook, line and sinker. I had an image to uphold - as my father’s eldest son, as a priesthood holder, as future missionary. I’m not saying I was a good liar. But I am saying they wanted - nay, needed - to believe me... just as much as I needed them to believe me.  All parties involved were highly incentivized to play along. Anything less than apparent perfection was unacceptable to them and to me. So we mutually agreed on the lie. They saw what they wanted to see. 

I went through those worthiness interviews. Dozens of them. From baptism on up through First Assistant in the Priests’ Quorum. And I lied through my goddamn teeth. And the fucked up part is: we all knew it. Everyone does. 

Mormons already believe that lying is a tool, a method to protect their image. I was merely - unwittingly - participating in the long and grand tradition of lying for the lord. 

And so is just about every mormon I’ve ever met! Smile, even when you’re sad - because sad people are sad because they’re sinning. Bear your testimony of the “truth” of the gospel, even though you don’t KNOW anything. 

Mormonism can make a fellow crazy. It breaks down your perception of right and wrong, of truth and falsehood. 

My heart truly goes out to all those who were more morally upright than I and confessed and dealt with the consequences. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel guilt (still!) that I didn’t make a stand for what I felt was right - I just played their game. 

They damn us for lying. But when the world they build makes no sense, what else can we do? 

Guilt and fear, folks.  At the end of the day, that’s all the church has to offer. 

[theotherjudas]

A few words on Believer

Like many of you, I’ve just watched the HBO’s documentary Believer (2018). For those not in the know yet, this film follows Imagine Dragons frontman Dan Reynolds as he organizes the (first) Loveloud music festival in Utah. Reynolds, a “born-in-the-covenant” Utah-native mormon, served a mission for the LDS church before beginning his music career. A massive blow to his faith came when he became aware of the suicide epidemic in Utah among mormon kids, and most especially among LGBTQ youth. 

Now. I will state first and foremost that the documentary moved me. Reynolds is an extremely talented, loving, earnest guy. He is clearly trying to do what is right. And at the end of the day, isn’t that most we can hope and expect of anyone in life? The experiences shared by members of the mormon LGBTQ community, their families, and friends/ allies touched me profoundly. Accounts of mental illness, societal pressure, struggles with perfection, depression, and suicide, while carrying a significant portion of the film’s heft, by no means overwhelm the viewer. So, I am imploring you: watch it (if you feel healthy and stable enough to do so) and think about it. And yet, I feel strongly that the message conveyed by the documentary overall is dangerously - fatally -  flawed. 

I will cop (briefly) to my own biases before explaining why. I am a gay ex-mormon man. I left the church when I was eighteen, after coming to the realization some 2-3 years previously that the church’s doctrines and history didn’t stand up to scrutiny. I don’t like being lied to. I didn’t even know I was gay until I left. That is to say, I always knew, but I stamped those feelings and thoughts so far down inside (turn it off!) that I had plausible deniability. I have struggled with anxiety and depression (including suicidal ideation) for over a decade and while I can’t lay all the blame for this at the church’s feet (genetics, home life, messed up brain chemistry, societal conditioning, etc.) I KNOW that had I stayed in the church, there’s a good goddamn chance I wouldn’t be alive today. 

Obviously, the topic of how the church relates to the LGBTQ community is dense and thorny, with a history fraught with so much pain and bad intentions. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. But this is something I feel with all my being: 

THE CHURCH IS THE PROBLEM. 

In Believer, Reynolds receives a formal statement from the church during the lead-up to the Loveloud festival. In it, the church claims that they “applaud” the concert for being uplifting and bringing people together with a positive message of love. This comes, by the way, after months of struggling to get sponsors or traction or attention for the festival in LDS-controlled Utah. Reynolds, reading the church’s statement live on camera, is overwhelmed with joy. It’s a step, he says. But the second he read it, a little flag went up in my head- wait for the other shoe to drop. 

And drop it did indeed. A few months later, at General Conference (2017), Dallin H. Oaks (those familiar know where this is going...) stood before the assembled world of mormonism and in no uncertain terms re-upped the LDS’s church stance against homosexuality. Specifically, he invoked the two-decades old Proclamation to the Family (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995). Oaks is notorious even among TBMs for being far right-wing in his social and political stances. Selecting him to voice this message to the membership is all you need to know. Reynolds recounts what a devastating sight this conference address was for him - I’m sure it felt like a slap in the face, a rejection of all he’d worked so hard for. 

With all camaraderie and respect for Mr. Reynolds, I say: how the FUCK did you not see that coming??? 

THE CHURCH LIES. 

If there’s one thing the church does, it’s survive. The LDS church has a Public Relations machine the likes of which are employed only in the highest echelons of politics and corporate business. Over the past century it has rehabilitated the church’s public image from that of a dangerous outlaw anti-American cult to that of a loving, wholesome if quirky, good-traditional-christian-values group. The church makes NO change unless public sentiment and pressure mount so high they risk losing members. One need only study the most superficial accounts of the elimination of polygamy (19th century) and the priesthood ban (20th) for this to become evident. 

Of course, Mr. Reynolds, the church wasn’t going to challenge you publicly! That’d be bad press. They couldn’t control the narrative. You had the first word, the upper hand... and you let it slip away. They’ll say whatever they need to say to avoid the issue, and then turn around and make life a fucking hell for their LGBTQ members. And anyone else they find distasteful. 

Ultimately, I think it’s better to have this documentary than not. Despite its highly conciliatory tone toward the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints throughout, it offers an insight into some real issues. And YES! Famous mormons like Reynolds and Tyler Glenn (of the Neon Trees, who also played Loveloud) ought to use their voices to stem the tide of young blood spilling from the bodies of Utah’s children. WE HAVE TO STOP THE SUICIDE EPIDEMIC. THAT IS PRIORITY ONE. 

That said, I wish wish WISH someone would have acknowledged the real problem: the church is a lie. It is a fraudulent organization built on a fiction and a conman’s charisma. Change it all you like, reform it, reshape it. It doesn’t matter. You can shine a turd all you like, as they say... The church is rotten to the core. The church is killing children. And they refuse to stop it. Websites, a few kind words, and some half-hearted concessions to basic human rights are a but pathetic band-aid: flimsy and liable to be swept away in the rancid pool water of old doctrine.  WE HAVE TO STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE CHURCH. WE MUST DESTROY IT. 

My LGBTQ brothers and sisters aren’t killing themselves because the church tells them they’re evil for loving people they’re “not supposed to.” They’re doing it because the church is an organization of control and they happen to BE something the church can’t control... and thus feels it must crush out of existence. 

I respect the approach Reynolds and his ilk are taking in dealing with the single issue of suicide. Please please please keep up the good work! But while we all rally to that cause, let’s burn this motherfucking cult to the goddamned ground. 

[theotherjudas]

Apostate Pride!

Just a happy reminder than the word “apostate” comes from the Greek term apostatēs which means a “runaway slave.”

Where once you were a slave to the church, now you are free.

Where once you had cold, cruel, and out-of-touch old men as your masters, now you bow to no man.

Where once your time and money were held in ransom in exchange for eternal salvation, now you hold your destiny in your own hands.

Where once your mind was chained by doctrine and dogma, now you question and learn and grow beyond their bounds.

Where once your every doubt and wrong action meant the threat of damnation and shame, now you are free to make mistakes and become the person you want to be.

Where once they convinced you that you needed them, now you know the truth- that they need you but you don’t need any part of them.

You are free.

Free.

Celebrate yourself. Be proud. Own your freedom. You’ve earned it.

[theotherjudas]

Goddamned Hypocrites

If you are unaware of the humanitarian CRISIS being perpetuated right this very second in the United States, you must have your head buried so deep in the sand you’re beyond help.

Currently, racist, right-wing politicians, led by the President himself, are enacting unforgivable attrocities against immigrants. They are doing this because these people have brown skin. Because these people speak Spainish instead of English. They are doing this for naked, unabashed politcal gain- inventing an issue that doesn’t exist to rile up the least educated and most hateful sectors of their base. This is an act as sick and as cynical as they come.

They are tearing families apart. They are improsoning children in cages. They are holding human beings hostage. Illegal and immoral don’t even BEGIN to describe what’s occurring.

Many of us have spoken out against these horrific policies. Many have protested and petitioned and plead. But to no avail.

And it occurs to me like there is one group whose collective and powerful voice is thunderously silent: Christians.

While pundits and even our Attorney General spout cherry-picked bible vereses to support their evil, another verse comes to my mind. A major tenet of their own holy book:

“Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” - Matthew 25:40 (King James version)

These immigrants are the VERY DEFINITION of ‘the least of these.’

Your faith means NOTHING if you don’t live it. You are hypocrites of the highest order by your own standards. Spitting upon the plight of these men, women, and children- by your own standard- is to spit upon the God you claim to love and worship.

THERE ARE NO CHRISTIANS IN AMERICA.

If there were, they would be the loudest voice against this treatment of their fellow brothers and sisters. They would be leading the charge. Not supporting the despicable men who are causing these acts of pain with their dollars, their votes, and their prayers.

Shame. Shame. May the god you believe in damn you for this.

[theotherjudas]

Eagles

My family has a long tradition of involvement with the BSA (formerly the Boy Scouts of America). Being good True Believing Mormons, all the men on my mom’s side and my dad’s side have been Eagle scouts - grandpas, uncles, cousins. In fact, my dad is the only member of the entire family who didn’t make the rank of Eagle Scout (he ended at Life). Even my mom ran Cub Scouts on various ward and stake levels for over a decade. 

If you’re not super familiar with the BSA you may not know that while Boy Scouts was founded in the UK, its main proponent in the United States is was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Mormons have been pushing scouting for the entire history of the organization. Young men in the church are expected to be scouts - in fact, many of us were never given a choice. Participation with Young Mens program meant being a scout. 

Until now. But I’ll get to that... 

So naturally myself and all five of my brothers went through Cubs then (what was called during my day) Blazers - now “11-year-old Scouts” - and then Boy Scouts. One by one, we made it to Eagle. 

Except the youngest. Buddy is sixteen. He’s a good kid, bright, quiet. He’s currently a Life Scout, the rank just below Eagle. He’s completed all his merit badges and other requirements. Just trying to get his project done. 

BUT. The LDS church just released a statement in May of 2018 declaring its intention to not only leave the BSA but to start its own faith-based scouting program for worthy male members. The Salt Lake Tribune has this story: https://www.sltrib.com/news/2018/05/09/mormon-church-to-cut-ties-with-boy-scouts-and-start-its-own-gospel-driven-youth-program/

There’s not a lot of clarity from the church itself about WHY it’s made this move but it’s so clear that both proponents and opponents of the change know what’s up. The church hates the shifting stance the BSA has taken regarding openly gay leaders, gay/ genderqueer/ trans scouts, and allowing girls to participate in troops.  The BSA - historically not the most progressive of organizations - is waking up to the realities of modern life and wants everyone to play. But the church, unsurprisingly, is all pissy and is taking its ball and sulking home. (”Oh you want to let girls and icky people in? We’ll take our millions of members and millions of DOLLARS and do our own thing!” Fucking babies). 

Now, on one hand I don’t give a shit. I haven’t been involved with scouts for over a decade. I don’t really care that I’m an Eagle Scout. It has literally no impact on my daily life. As far as the BSA losing the church to make a more progressive social stance, I say good for them. You’re better off without the regressive assholes. 

On other hand, this is a horrifying move for the church to make. Do you remember being in YMs or YWs? Do you remember being a teenager in the church - or maybe you still are - and how much TIME it takes from you? Three hour church plus meetings plus seminary every school day plus youth activities plus scouts plus service projects plus home/ visiting teaching plus personal and family scripture study/ journaling/ prayer... where the hell does it end???

That’s no mistake on the church’s part. It’s a common tactic of all cults, by the way: to make members so busy that they literally don’t have time to think or question or even consider straying from the path. It’s the most subliminal form of mind control there is. 

And now the church wants to add yet another thing. When I was in the BSA, scouts was a welcome relief. It was a time to go camping and fishing and do other fun stuff without having church shit shoved down my throat every second. Even though we were all mormon, we didn’t talk about the church directly. And for someone as involved in the LDS faith as my family was, a little break like that was huge. And now there are million of momo kids who are are going to lose even that small window of respite. 

I asked Buddy recently what he thought of the church’s announcement. I asked him if he was going to be involved in the new program once it starts in 2019. He said no. He was going to finish his Eagle and stop. I asked him how he felt about the reasons the church made this decision. He fed my the company line for a while (”we have to follow the prophet,” “girls already have their own thing,” “you can still be a scout if you want, it’s just not ward-sponsored anymore”). I asked if he would mind if he was in a troop with a gay kid or a girl. After a few minutes he finally shrugged and said it’s not that big of a deal. While that might seem insignificant of Buddy to say, here’s what it means:

LDS kids - boys - DO NOT FUCKING CARE whether their scout leaders are gay or if there are girls in the troop. They just want to be scouts! 

These kids are being used as pawns in a POLITICAL GAME that the LDS church is playing. Don’t for one fucking second think it’s about faith - this is political through and through. The church is holding its reactionary hard right-wing stance against a tiny positive change happening in the world. And when it looses, oh boy, is the church a sore loser. So while it only tightens its grip on the poor boys who might have been exposed to some good and progressive ways of thinking within the new BSA, I say this: 

Fuck you, LDS church. Take your goddamn ball and go the fuck home then. No one will miss you. 

[theotherjudas]

Don’t Put Your Questions “Off” For Later

I have very distinct memories of sitting in Primary as a seven-year-old trying to puzzle out Mormon doctrine for myself. Naturally anxious from an early age, I felt this all-consuming need to make sure I was doing the right thing in preparing for my impending baptism. I asked, I searched, I pondered, I prayed. But the answers I received from my parents and teachers didn’t satisfy. More, they were over-simplified and condescending. 

Nearly ten years later, in early-morning seminary, I found myself overwhelmed by questions once again. It was Doctrine & Covenants/ Church History year, and I started noticing that we were skipping whole sections in our reading. We’d talk about the doctrine but rarely paused to consider the events that called each revelation forth. I started reading the other sections in my own time. They were dense and rambling and... weird. A creeping suspicion dawned in me: that our teachers were skipping these sections on purpose because they were difficult to explain. Or even impossible. I recall having the very clear thought: I don’t think this history is accurate. At the very least, it’s biased. I need to find some objective, some secular, history to compare the church’s story to... but I don’t have time right now. 

In retrospect I cut myself a little slack. I was typical straight “A”, A-personality type student and between classes and homework and violin practice and play rehearsals I didn’t have much time to do research on mormon history. BUT I REALLY WISH I HAD.

I left the church mentally/emotionally at sixteen. When I couldn’t stand not getting answers. When I couldn’t stand being censored and put down for how I wanted to live. When I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and the back-biting and the pretension and pride of the mormon people. When I was eighteen I left home. But it wasn’t until I was in my early twenties, going through college, that I felt this need to figure some shit out. I started reading all kinds of history. American history. LDS-sanctioned history. Books by apostates and secular historians of the church. I started to piece together the bizarre and troubling origins of the faith in which I was raised. 

I regret not doing it sooner. I could have found the answers I sought as a middle teenager. I could have had the words, the arguments to back up my doubts, instead of casting around in the dark when challenged. 

DON’T WAIT. Make the time. If you have doubts about the church or its history or its doctrine, start doing some reading. With the internet, there’s no excuse not to. 

DO NOT BE AFRAID. LDS leaders try to scare young people by telling them that reading so-called “anti-mormon” literature (anything that challenges the proscribed narrative) will tempt one into apostasy and sin. THIS IS A CONTROL MECHANISM. You are smart enough to discern for yourself what is true and what is bullshit. IT IS NOT A SIN TO LEARN. 

DON’T BE DISCOURAGED. Learning is not easy task. It takes time and patience and persistence. It may also hurt. We are hard-wired to reject ideas that do not mesh with our own assumptions. Mormonism filled your head with its ideas, moulded your world view. Accept that that view may be flawed or is worthy of examination. 

YOU WON’T FIND ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING. It’s natural to hope that every doubt you have will be accounted for. That, sadly, is never so. You have to be brave enough to search anyway, strong enough to contend with the gray areas. 

TRUST YOURSELF. If you have doubts, search for answers. Anyone who tells you to just sit back accept the church’s version is NOT looking out for your best interest - they are looking out for theirs. Your doubts challenge other people’s assumptions. Do not let let them dissuade you from your journey. 

YOU’RE NOT ALONE. There’s many of us who are more than happy to help and support you on your questioning journey. All you have to do is ask. 

Be strong, friends. Ask your questions now. Go out and find some answers.