"Babe." With a little whine he wraps his arms around the other's neck from behind, leaning heavily against him, pressing his cheek against Otabek's. "So do you remember what day it is?"
❛ you think i’d forget what day it is ? it’s practically the most important day of the year. ❜ he’s only HALF TEASING with that one. he uncovers a tray full of breakfast foods for the other & smirks. ❛ your presents in the living room. go sit back in bed & i’ll bring it to you. ❜ he hands off the tray of food & moves to go get the box on the table. he brings it to him & watches as he unwraps it – a pair of white high heeled skates ; clad with leopard print blades. ❛ when you go back, you go back with style. ❜
write me a thing about what if yura was on the bike during beka's accident and he died. : )
the moment it happened everything went cold. there were bright lights & people yelling but he couldn’t hear them ; all he could hear was the terrible ringing in his ears. he felt lifeless -- like everything had been sucked out of him. his whole body hurt -- or maybe it was SUPPOSED to ; right now he just felt numb. was that a good sign. . . ? but the thing is -- he’s not focused on himself. his head is swiveling to try & find HIM. dazed gaze falls upon leopard print helmet -- long curls splayed out under it. then he notes the red hand reaching out towards him near the helmet. he can’t feel his arm so it’s hard to get it to cooperate with him as he reaches over too, finally touching sticky fingers. his vision won’t focus on yura -- won’t tell him how badly he’s hurt. he just stretches until he can hold his hand, crying out at the pain he DOES feel in that moment -- not for himself ; for the other. REALITY had a heavier weight than his vision.
he doesn’t let go of his hand even in the ambulance where it’s TOO CRAMPED for them to still be holding on to each other. but he was BREATHING -- & for as long as he did breathe, beka wasn’t letting go of his hand. otabek’s not in good shape -- his ankle barely scrapes by as ATTACHED ; at least three ribs are broken ; his arm is dislocated. his biking gear protected him from more critical damage it seemed. yuri has it worse. yuri -- whom wore leggings & a long shirt that day. there was so little protection outside of his helmet. his skin is torn to pieces & his legs are bent in ways they’re definitely not supposed to bend. every time they FIX something he cries out in pain at another injury. the paramedics are all hurrying -- worry on every one of their faces as they try to save him. but then he’s gasping for air & they realize one of his ribs has slipped, puncturing his lung. they’re scrambling then to try & get him air but it’s obvious to the one checking his wrist watch what’s going to happen. there’s too much blood ; it’s coming out of the other in pained coughs.
when his hand goes limp beka’s half out of his stretcher, pushing against the restraints that try & keep him in place. ❛ yura! ❜ his voice is hoarse -- coughing harshly as he tries to get to him, fingers squeezing his hand like it would give life back to him. there’s a blaring noise of the flat line that he knows he’ll never get out of his head & then they’re stabbing him with something that dulls his senses & dares to push him under. he can’t see through the deluge of tears that escape him with every jagged breath he takes -- all on the same breath as he’s whispering i’m so sorry.
he can’t attend the funeral. he’s not recovered enough to get out of his hospital bed -- foot too mangled to walk & lungs barely working. viktor comes by with a rose from the casket. it does nothing but send beka into a sobbing mess that raises his vitals enough to cause concern from the nurses.
he’s given pain medication to deal with his ankle best he can -- enough tranquilizer to make sure he can sleep. he likes sleeping ; it’s where he can see yura without thinking about his mangled body. the hospital releases him a few weeks in -- once he’s attended some rehab enough to manage to get around in a wheelchair at home alone. his sister comes to stay with him -- helps cook & clean while he sleeps. it becomes a dull routine -- wake up, shower, eat something, struggle through physical therapy with no real motivation to use the stupid leg again, & just hold on until he can sleep again. what was the point in fixing his leg ? he’d never get to skate with yuri again ; nor dance or even walk. he didn’t deserve it.
adiya WORRIES -- she calls her parents nightly to give a report while she thinks he’s sleeping. sometimes he wishes he was ; she talks about how lifeless he looks -- he doesn’t like knowing she’s there watching him suffer. she didn’t deserve it. she would only stay as long as she was needed -- he’d made her promise that at the start. she had her own life to live after all. so he puts in the effort to get to the point where he can walk on his own -- make it around the house again with minimal effort -- & minimal amounts of pain medication. with their bargain being met, she has to leave.
that’s where he gets bad. she’d been some kind of comfort to have around the empty house. but it’s NOT EMPTY ; he can feel the other in his bones -- or in the way that moo looks at him like he’s still expecting her master to come home. he can’t even bring himself to tell her. it was just a cat. the cat is some comfort in her own way ; she curls up in his lap & he’ll pet her until he can’t really feel his arm anymore. she’ll sleep by his head & keep him company in the bed that is far too big now. but she’s not yura ; no one will ever be yura. she just serves as a reminder. so he calls vitya -- asks him to come get her ; to take her away from here. viktor understands & agrees -- & beka watches as moo practically yells to not leave. she’d be better off with vitya. that’s all he can think as he shuts the door on the both of them.
no one seems to notice him tying up loose ends. then again, he won’t let anyone come over to CHECK on him -- just facetimes them & quietly nods to their questions of his wellbeing. he’s not okay & they know it. the person who truly knows how bad it is is the therapist he skypes with twice a week. she tells him she’s there for him & that things will get better & he won’t feel so guilty one day. but she also warns to keep any weapons out of the house. keep his pain med use to a minimal. he tells her he’s fine -- nothing that serious going on in his head. that he’s just TIRED. but when he hangs up he’s back to his usual self -- nearly catatonic as he wanders around the little apartment ; claustrophobia setting into his veins every day. he should move -- take all of yura’s things away & just move on. but he can’t. something won’t let him -- the aching in his bones to SLEEP.
it’s the day that he finds the engagement ring under his bed that he makes his choice. he’d been planning for WEEKS to get the ring on yuri’s finger. fingers that he’d held until they had to PRY HIM OFF. it hurts to think about -- to breathe in & out. everything hurts. he’s supposed to call his therapist today. that call never happens. his gaze falls upon the half full bottle of pain pills at his side table & an idea flutters into weary mind. sleep. it would be DONE & he’d stop wandering around a life he no longer wanted. stop blaming himself for a death he’s sure he couldn’t have prevented. he can’t see straight after five pills ; fingers numbly playing with the ring in his hand. he can’t breathe right after ten more. the rest of the bottle is emptied & he finds his bones are HEAVY ; sinking into the bed beneath him as he just WAITS. when he closes his eyes he sees him. sees every moment he ever spent with him. every smile & hand touch & kiss. his chest aches & his heart is SLOW. but he feels warm. like he made the right choice ; like yuri would be waiting wherever he went next. if nothing more, he could just dream of him forever & be satisfied with that.
he doesn’t get his wish. his doctor called the cops -- worried by their missed appointment. they pump his stomach & have him on a prevention watch for days. lack of care to his leg sets the staff infection ablaze ; unnoticed until now. they give him his choices -- they can’t FORCE care. his parents beg him to get the surgery ; take off the leg & LIVE. he says no until there’s one day that adiya is the one who comes. she sits on his bed & sobs -- desperate to not lose her brother. he wants to say he’s already gone. but he agrees -- getting the surgery to remove his foot. she didn’t deserve to suffer.
weeks of rehab pass before he can walk on his prosthetic alone ; but he’s moved from his apartment to his parents home. he feels like a CHILD ----- but then again he’d be dead were someone not looking out for him. it’s not easy ; his leg aches along with his chest. he’d damaged his body quite a bit. yuri would be furious at him he’s sure. he goes & sits by his grave once a week ; tells him about his time & just BEGS for a response. one day when he goes, he takes the little box & ring, setting it down in front of his grave. ❛ sorry it took me so long. ❜ he can’t express his regret for not having made him his husband before the accident ; not having been brave enough. now it was too late & it stung.
it’s two years before he’s able to get a skating prosthetic. he uses up all of his savings on it. it’s another year before he can skate ; jumps & all. he throws himself into it -- every inch of a program designed for yuri. the song is sad & slow & about missed chances. it’s beautiful & the whole arena is crying by the time he’s done ; chest heaving as he falls to his knees & digs nails into the ice. yuri should have been the one on the ice. he always deserved it more. had more potential in his pinkie than beka had in his whole body. a body he’s abused so badly now that he can barely breathe on the ice. his doctor says he shouldn’t keep trying - that he could stress his heart. he doesn’t listen -- never listens.
it’s not until paramedics are called onto the ice due to him falling during a jump & not getting up. a heart attack at twenty five. his whole body aches when he wakes up & god does he SCREAM because he’s tired of waking up. no one will let him sleep. how far into the ground must he run himself before someone takes him out of his misery ?
he hears from vitya that moo is gone ; old age. another year & yura’s grandfather has passed as well. every trace of yuri was vanishing. he attends the funeral with no expression -- no feeling evident on his face. people call him callous for not crying. it’s simply that there are no tears left. he goes to yuri’s grave & tells him he’s glad he can be with his family again. he doesn’t really believe his words but it’s the only comfort he has. vitya finds him there & sits with him until beka finally breaks down crying, to which viktor holds him close.
viktor helps him afford a new apartment -- somewhere nearby to himself in hasetsu to make sure he knows he has support. it’s when he’s cleaning the old apartment that his phone BEEPS at him. he’d recently had to get a new one -- seems phones didn’t last when you threw them against walls. there’s a popup on the screen that tells him files have been transferred from his old phone. he doesn’t know what to expect until he sees the hundreds of pictures of yura & himself. every picture they’d ever taken together floods his phone & his chest feels like it’s on fire. he can’t breathe as he calls vitya to come help. he has a key just in case. he hates feeling so useless -- having to be held by someone else to hold himself together.
when he’s quiet vitya quietly murmurs that there’s a voicemail on his phone. it transferred from his old phone. he never checked them -- bad habit. yuri always went through them for him. he sees who its from & god does his throat sting. he always asked yuri to call or text him whenever his plane landed so he knew he was safe. he knew what it meant so he’d never bothered to check it. vitya advises that he probably shouldn’t listen -- but beka shrugs & hits play. his voice is clear & grumpy -- he’d just woken up. ❛ someones gonna have to move closer because these plane rides are a pain in the ass. . . but at least i get to see you. ❜ there’s a smile in his voice & beka whimpers. ❛ the plane landed & fine. a little sore from the kid who keeps kicking my chair. remind me to do that to jj next time we fly with him... anyway -- come get me. i’ll be waiting out front. i love you. ❜
it’s another year & he’s back on the ice -- & he’s done a quin jump. the doctor screams at him but he doesn’t care. he’s back to where he once was. everyone congratulates him -- even jj. for once he’s not hung up on the fact that he wishes yura were the one there to greet him. of course it still rattles there in the back of his mind. but he’s okay for now. & okay is all he can ask for.
it’s his thirtieth birthday when vitya announces he’s found someone for beka to go on a date with. he’s resistant -- too broken to be loved as he liked to put it. viktor doesn’t let up until he agrees. it’s a girl -- short & black haired. she dances ; it makes his chest ache. but she’s missing her leg too -- a more considerable chunk than him. doesn’t stop her from dancing. he admires her -- finds inspiration in her tireless work ethic. in three years they’re engaged. nine months later a little boy is born.
Write me a thing about what would have happened if Beka died in the motorcycle accident. B)
@ledmedved is actually satan.
It’s two am when the phone rings. His heart skips a beat when he finally gets himself awake enough to see that he has three missed calls from Adiya. He doesn’t have to listen to the voicemails to know that something is wrong. Shaky fingers scroll through his contacts and he calls her back. She picks up on the first ring.
Even the mere mention of one of those tests makes him queasy. “Yeah… maybe. But I don’t think we’ll need it. There’s no… there’s no way.” He’s not puking his guts up, so he’s fairly confident.
❛ there IS a way. if you’d told me you were in between switching birth controls i wouldn’t have----- ❜ he sighs & looks over at the other. he knew yuri would panic if he didn’t remain calm. ❛ we’ll deal with it. i’m sure it’s fine. we’ll get the test & prove you’re just getting a stomach bug or something. ❜
“We’ve got too much shit to do in the morning, Beka.” He wrinkles his nose at the mere thought of a doctor.
❛ then we should go get one of those tests. just to be sure in case we need to. . . deal with anything. ❜ he doesn’t like that idea -- brows knot together as he purses his lips. but he wouldn’t make yura go through anything he didn’t want to.
“Don’t even think it. There’s no fucking way.” He looks almost horrified by the thought. He can’t be. He’s a boy. There’s no way. “You’re right. I’m probably just fucking tired. That’s all.” He hopes.
he hums, looking down to the food. ❛ . . . maybe we SHOULD go to the doctor. ❜
“What? I thought I told you about it. Anyway, they started doing it a few weeks ago. It’s not really a big deal.” Or at least, he didn’t think it was.
he glances over at the other, gaze leveling him for a moment. ❛ a few weeks ? you mean all that time we were having sex without--------- ❜ he purses his lips, looking back to his food. ❛ nevermind. you’re probably just tired. ❜
“I don’t…. think so. It could be, though. They’re trying to ween me off one birthcontrol so they can put me on another. No one wants to fucking just… take it all out because ‘You’re young and married and you’ll want kids.’ Fucking annoying.”
he pauses then ; brows furrowing. ❛ you didn’t tell me they were doing that ---------------- when did they start doing that ? ❜
“You know I don’t have time to go to the doctor.” Or that he would even want to go to the doctor. A huff sounds and his stomach turns, catching another whiff of the food. He nearly dry heaves at it. “Yeah, here. Take it. I can’t deal.” He trades the spoon for Bear and takes a step back. “I think I’ll see if we have any salad left.”
he eyes him for a moment before moving to work ; it was ODD for yuri to be sick. tired yes but sick ? ❛ is anything else wrong ? is it just your period or something ? ❜ he questions, stirring the food.
“Yeah? I’ll make you a list after dinner.” A pause, and then, “You’ll have to do it after you meet with Larionov and his sister. That’s at 9:30, I think. I’ll be at Lilia’s from 8 to 10, so you’re on your own with them until then.” He glances over at the two of them. “I think it smells kind’ve gross. Everything’s smelled gross all day. I hope I’m not getting some shitty cold.”
❛ do you have a fever ? ❜ he questions, reaching over & feeling his forehead. ❛ you don’t feel warm. do you want to go see a dcotor tomorrow ? want me to help cook ? i can take over so you don’t have to smell it. ❜
“Figured you would. Now you’re both actually dumb bears.” He watches the other in slight amusement, shrugging his shoulders. “Stroganoff. It’s all we have. We need to go by groceries.”
❛ i’ll go tomorrow, ❜ he leans over & picks up the dog scratching at his leg, keenly aware that his leg was hurting but not willing to bring it up right now. at least he knew the pup was good at his job. ❛ smells good at least. ❜
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Otabek seems to have good instincts, and he trusts the other. “Just name him Bear. I mean, why the fuck not? If he looks like a bear and acts like a bear, it’s the perfect name.”
❛ cute. i like it. ❜ he moves away from the other & moves to sit up onto the counter, bear coming to sit at his feet happily. ❛ what’cha cooking ? ❜
“Yeah, but for how long?” He knows how much the other wants kids. No times seems like the right time, and maybe that’s the problem they’ve been having all along. It took Otabek getting his foot chopped off for them to get truly serious and think about a future together instead of an abstract idea of one. “Let’s just… get more settled. Get you to really coaching. We’ll have more money then.” He’s willing to compromise.
❛ it’ll. . . all come together. i can feel it. ❜ he presses a kiss to the side of his head before humming. ❛ help me name him. he looks like a bear -- the nurse said he suited me. ❜
