she/her, 20, mongolian and chinese, nyc girly, college sophomore. kpop and kdrama enjoyer. 70s and 90s music, 2000s pop fanatic (gorillaz, oasis and the smiths). star wars and marvel (mcu). been writing since i’m in middle school but stopped after i entered high school but never stopped reading.
carat & onedoor.
⟢ lee jun young and cha woomin girly.
some of my work may contain mature themes or 18+ topics/writing (mdni, always read under your own risk)
request are always welcome, just remember to read before requesting!
In which the government (Eva Stratt) shows up at your door and gives you no choice but to join the Petrova Taskforce. The reason? Ryland Grace recommended you, your old friend (or whatever you were) from college. And for some reason, you said yes.
or
the tether tying you to earth was always very thin, but now it seemed ready to snap.
word count: 10.7k (lol)
content warning: some (a lot of) inaccurate science (I hate to say it but I would not be on the Petrova Taskforce), some plot alterations for my convenience, cussing, slight (very slight) references to sex, mention of parental death, mention of needles and going under, miscommunication trope (yasss) and someone tell ryland grace to just say something!! ( as always, lmk if I missed anything)
a/n: wow this has been sitting with me for a while! this is like my passion project, I have been so excited to get this out and I hope you all enjoy it too! this is my first time writing for Ryland (and writing in a while so give me some grace...see what I did there?). excited to be back and hopefully writing some more!
ANYWAYS, I would happily write a part two of if the people want it! (or just rant in my inbox about headcanons)
If there was one thing you knew it was that Ryland Grace and you perfectly orbited each other, even when he was far off in San Francisco teaching the next generation of young scientists. It had been that way since you met him in college and it just never stopped. Part of you thought it was written in the stars that Ryland Grace and you were meant to do great things together.
Even after everything that happened with his research paper, even after your lab group dropped you post college from lack of funding, it was still the two of you. Science Partners, pen pals, best buds….among other ambiguous unstated things. You stayed in contact over the years, frequent calls, letters, the stupid punny e-cards he would email you on your birthday every year. There was a time, in college, when the two of you were together almost every day. And your excuse was always that we just work well together.
You knew Ryland Grace, you would say it was your next best subject. However, in this specific, very rare instance, you had no idea what the fuck Ryland Grace was even talking about.
Have you ever considered helping save the planet?
You must have reread the email a thousand times. Enough where your brain eventually shut off from confusion and your head met the keyboard in place of a pillow. Only when a loud thudding rattled through your dingy apartment did you finally realize that you had even fallen asleep. You blinked at the screen, lifting your head from your keyboard, the sun shining through the windows onto your desk. Reaching up, you peeled a small sticky note off your face, rubbing your eyes.
BANG, BANG, BANG. The sound rattled through your thin walls again and only on the second time did you realize it was coming from your front door. You paused for a second and glanced at your small digital clock, it was only six in the morning. Shooting up from your chair you made your way to the door, grabbing an umbrella on the way over, just in case.
You peered through the peep hole, only relaxing for a second when you saw a woman…then her two, what you could assume were body guards, behind her. Right about now you would have called Ryland but he had been off the grid, that email being the first sign of life you had gotten in days.
Shit. Shit. Shit. What do you even do? You glanced back out, seeing them talking amongst themselves before knocking again, the woman calling your name through the door. Quickly turning to the mirror on the wall near the door, you let out a groan at what you saw. There was mascara smeared under your eyes from sleep and your hair stuck up in fifteen directions, all completed by the oversized t-shirt you had on reading “This gal believes in aliens”.
Fuck it!
You threw the umbrella to the side, brushed some hair out of your face and opened the door, casually leaning against the frame like everything was under control.
“Hi,” you spoke up, voice rough from not sleep, quickly clearing your throat in response, arms crossed over yourself to hide the stupid shirt. “Hi…uh is there anything I can do for you?”
The women did not look amused, only offering you a nod, slightly peaking into the small studio apartment behind you.
“Yes, actually, you received an email,” she spoke, sharp, straight to the point. It wasn’t a question really, more like a confirmed fact she was repeating. Her eyebrow quirked ever so slightly at your silence. “Am I wrong?”
You shook your head quickly.
“Yes or no? It is really that simple”.
“Yes, yes, sorry…” you hesitated for a second, coming to the quick realization you had no idea who these people were. And yet, you were so scared to see what would happen if you lied. “Yeah I got an email”.
“Not my decision. Dr. Grace thought however that it would be most efficient,” she continued. “He has spoken very highly of you and from my own research, I can understand why”.
Dr. Grace? Ryland?
She gestured past you which you could only respond by moving to the side. Her presence commanded space and you respected it, or feared it, there was a lot to unpack. She stepped past you, turning to give a nod to the two men with her who remained outside.
“I am sorry,” you began, closing the door, turning to face her. “Maybe you got the wrong person-”
“That is not possible,” she replied. “He was very insistent that we must contact you in order to move forward”.
For what? Contact you for what?
You watched as the woman moved around the room like it was her space, picking up books and skimming through old pages of notes you had written. Then she turned to face a white board you had mounted messily in your kitchen, scribbled with notes and doodles that surrounded three big words: THE PETROVA LINE.
“Seems we are on the same page,” she mused, the first time you had heard any significant change in her tone.
The space and the stars and the idea of infinity above had kept you up late into the night as a child. Your parents should have expected your world was one far away from the grounds of Earth, that you would live your life with your head in the stars. Your father used to have to drag you inside from your backyard, you set up with a blanket and a small telescope that they had bought you for your birthday that year. Each night would end the same, your parents calling you to come inside and you asking for five more minutes, which turned into ten, which turned into hours. But your little sixth grade self could not fathom how school was more important than the world above, the possibilities of the stars.
And when you went to college to study that world it was the easiest decision of your life. Then the stars turned on you and you could not understand why.
The Petrova Line kept you up at night.
“You studied the Tau Ceti System, yes?”
The name of the planet system sent a shockwave through you in a way you didn’t even know was possible. Tau Ceti was your whole life, or it had been in a distant past, it was a system you believed to have more potential than people truly gave it credit for. Yes, you knew Tau Ceti, however you had let that ship sail a long time ago.
“Yeah,” you spoke up, quieter than before. “Yeah I did some work on Tau Ceti”.
And you could not help the wave of disappointment that hit you at those words. You had been recruited to a lab group after college that was specifically dedicating funding to researching the Tau Ceti System, and when it fell through, so did all your plans. You had dropped every other offer for the one that, it was everything you had wanted. It was a risk, and it fell through. No one really prepares you for post college as an Astrobiologist, no one ever tells you that you will end up working as a waitress at the Extraterrestrial Eatery near your house. At least you got to wear a cool space suit there. Tau Ceti and your other research had been benched, pushed to the side for evenings when you had nothing else to do.
“Perfect. Now that is cleared up, grab anything that might be important and we can be on our way”.
The women turned to move past you back for the door and you felt like your feet were suddenly glued to the ground. You opened your mouth to speak, before closing it, then opening it again. Yet no sound seemed to come out.
“What is this?” she asked, turning back, gesturing to your face. “I do not need the fish impression right now, this is a serious matter, we do not have the time”.
You immediately shut your mouth, then took a breath.
“Who are you?” you finally cried out. “What is this? No one is telling me anything!”
You felt insane, like you were living in some simulation where everyone knew what was going on but you. Where were the cameras? When were they gonna jump out and say it was all some weird, honestly unnerving, prank?
“I am Eva Stratt, head of the Petrova Taskforce” she began. “And you have been selected by Ryland Grace to help solve the Petrova Line”.
“I have work tomorrow,” you breathed out, a loss for words. The Petrova Taskforce, some of the world's most brilliant minds coming to you…a waitress at an alien restaurant. The email came back to you, the ominous words from Ryland, saving the world. This was news that a long time ago would have been everything you had ever wanted to hear…now you felt like some imposter, out of place.
Why you? Why now? Why after years of beating around the bush did Ryland Grace need your help to solve one of humanity's greatest emergencies. Why was Ryland Grace solving one of humanity's greatest emergencies?
“That will not be a problem,” Stratt countered. “We have already contacted your place of work and put you on an indefinite time of leave”.
“You can’t just do that!” you fought back, even if you knew that was the least of your worries. It was all so much, all at once. Ryland and Tau Ceti and the Petrova Line and saving the fucking planet.
You remained still glued to the floor, grasping at straws, scared of saying yes…maybe even more scared of saying no. You glanced around the room, the books, the hours of work, the pictures of Ryland and you scattered around the room from college. It had been years since you saw him and maybe that scared you too, seeing him again, reopening feelings you had sworn to bury too deep to ever reach again.
Your curiosity for the world remained, your love for space had never quite gone away, that would be impossible. It was just more of a hobby now, you looked less like someone with a PhD in Astrobiology and more like a crazed conspiracy theorist. You weren’t the same scientist from college, bright eyed and ready to fly into space if she had to.
Dr. Stratt spoke your name from the silence, your eyes snapping back to meet hers, “the sun is dying.”
The word settled heavy, lingering in the air between the two of you.
“Dr. Grace is my last hope,” she continued, honest, blunt. “And you are his”.
And that was all it took as you nodded, a loss for words, moving in a sort of trance to gather your things.
-----------
If there was something you would be fine never doing again it was that fuck-ass fighter jet. But now, standing in front of the door to the conference room, you think you might rather go back and ride the jet a few more times to stall. You hadn’t seen Ryland Grace in years…and now you were there, feet away from him and the idea overwhelmed you more than you thought it would.
The ride over had been a bumpy, hazy mess. Anyone you tried to ask about what was happening would ignore you as if you were a ghost…which only left you with more questions. By the time you landed on a boat your brain was too tired to even try to make sense of it all.
You had met Ryland in college. You both ended up in the same class, ‘The History of Extraterrestrial Life’...better known on campus as That One Alien Class. It filled both of your general education requirements, or at least that’s what you told him was your reasoning. It had taken him weeks to get you to admit that you believed in Aliens and even longer to admit that the class really wasn’t a joke to you.
The two of you were paired up for most of the semester, spending time whispering in class and making jokes about how deranged the content was. Even if it did open your eyes up to the whole Tau Ceti system.
You remember the last day of class so vividly. It was your final presentation and Ryland had taken it upon himself to get you these dumb matching shirts reading, “This gal believes in aliens” paired with “this guy probably is an alien”. It was stupid. And it was so perfect.
The thought made you smile, only for a second, before the nerves of it all settled back in.
There was too much there, floating, left unsaid. And it scared the shit out of you.
Before you could even fully prepare, the doors opened, your body moving in autopilot as Eva Stratt led you into the room. There you were, suddenly standing in front of what felt like a million eyes, all looking to you like you had answers. You had to remind yourself not to do the whole fish thing again as you just awkwardly gave a small wave, trying hard to keep your mouth shut. What am I doing? You were a waitress at an alien themed restaurant, not a scientist…at least not anymore.
Stratt introduced you to the room, briefly detailing your credentials to be here. You had kept your gaze straight, scared to look in either direction, straight was safe, straight was easier. You had imagined what it would be like seeing him again, more times than you would ever like to admit, and this was nowhere close to what you thought it would ever be. In a room surrounded by some of the world's most important people.
“This is Dr. (last name),” you hadn’t been referred to as that in a while…and you could not lie, it felt kinda good. “She has researched the Tau Ceti system most of her career and will help us identify why exactly the Tau Ceti star is the only one not losing energy”
Great. They really loved leaving out the important details. You knew the star, probably more than the back of your hand but there was still immense mystery to it.
“Anything you want to share, Doctor?” Stratt finished, turning the room over to you and you made the one mistake, moving your head. There, at the left end of the table was him, Dr. Grace. Not an email, not a letter or postcard, not a lingering memory…no it was really him, looking at you. Every emotion you had ever felt about him hit you at once in a way that made you want to grab on to the nearest wall so as to not crumble to the ground. Ryland, your Ryland, the same one you remember, albeit a little older, a little more tired. Your heart stuttered for a moment, actually stuttered, like it too had forgotten how to function. And all you could do was muster a small wave. Nothing could have prepared you.
You had spent years pretending that he wasn’t the sun of your own personal solar system. It turned out that was much easier when he was not standing feet away from you, his glasses practically falling off his face.
You swallowed, mouth running dry. And funny as it was, after all the years, after all the anticipation and wondering, your body eventually went back to the familiar state it always did when it saw him. You softened. Your heart beat steadied and your breathing returned to something much more normal.
Stratt cleared her throat, your eyes snapping back to hers.
“Um…Tau Ceti is… pretty dang cool,” you finally choked out, the people around the room sharing looks between each other. “...Thank you”.
Sporadic, unsure claps filled the room as you took a step back, ready to smash your head through the nearest wall. You did not lie, Tau Ceti was pretty freaking cool. But you were sure that was not what the Patrova Taskforce really needed to hear from you at that moment.
“Thank you,” Stratt said, a slight shake of her head, before she gestured towards the empty chair in the one section of the room you had planned on avoiding for at least a little longer. You tried to ignore her before one of the men in suits began to guide you there himself.
Each step you took felt heavy, like your body was trying to stop you. But there was the other part, your heart racing in anticipation, in want. This was what you had wanted, your work hadn’t been the same without him. You two brought out a fire in each other, seeing the best in the mess of crazy ideas the two of you brought to the table. The two of you.
As you walked down the table, a few of the other scientists took turns shaking your hand, welcoming you on board. Maybe your speech was not a total mess afterall. You hadn’t even realized you had made it to the end of the table, his hand reaching yours before your brain could catch up.
“Tau Ceti is pretty dang cool,” the familiar voice spoke. Your eyes immediately met his and you felt like the world had stopped for just a second. Every version of him you remembered and every version you didn’t hit you all at once. Then you felt him squeeze your hand, his head slightly tilting. “Earth to alien girl?”
It was an odd feeling, seeing someone after so long. The memory of him was hazy until that very moment. You had tried so hard to remember the shade of his eyes and the way they kinda squinted up when he laughed. You had tried to commit those things to memory, tried to live through the pictures, but nothing compared seeing them in-person, in front of you.
You tried to form words, frozen in place, only coming back to reality as Stratt began to talk once more. You quickly sat down, pulling your hand from his and forcing your attention forward.
There were a few seconds where neither of you spoke, ignoring the weight of his eyes on you. You were supposed to be professionals…since when were you ever professionals? You were on a boat, with the world's best scientists, saving the planet…next to your best friend. And somehow, that felt like the most overwhelming part. You were sure your brain would eventually catch up one day, the shock fading with every minute that passed.
Then he slightly shifted in his chair, “Pretty dang cool?” he asked, just loud enough for you to hear, just like the two of you used to do in those alien class lectures. A smile grew on your face, one you tried to bite back.
“I panicked,” you whispered back, eyes still focused forward on Stratt, nodding along to words you weren’t even hearing. You didn’t have to look at him to know he was smiling too.
The silence again, the silence of years of pushing off visits and ignoring the hard questions. It made you twitch slightly, racking your mind for anything to ease it.
“So, are you the one responsible for the U.S. government pretty much knocking down my door this morning?” you whispered from the quiet, a slight quirk of your brow, gaze still set forward.
“Guilty,” he said, seeing him lift his hands in mock surrender in the peripheral of your vision. You could almost roll your eyes at how predictable the response was, slightly nudging his foot with yours under the table. He let out a quiet, breathy laugh, one you wanted to be the reason for forever.
“I didn’t think you would come,” he spoke again, his words softer this time, real.
Those were the words that broke your focus, your head turning to meet his gaze, really meeting his gaze, for the first time.
“Kinda didn’t have a choice,” you replied, half-joking, the other half completely honest, thinking back to the morning and the woman who was now commanding the room. Then you smiled, looking back at him, “But I would have come regardless”.
Even if you still weren’t exactly sure what all this was, what you had somehow signed up for. Even if it made you question who you were, why you were here…what you were to him.
You looked down to your lap. You were among the greats because Ryland Grace said you should be. You were not quite sure yet if that was reassuring or terrifying.
“It’s gonna be like old times, huh?” he added, as if it would make it all easier. “You know, you and me, figuring things out, putting the pieces together”.
Fuck. That did not make it any easier.
The meeting breezed by in a blur, words flying all around you as you tried to catch up to speed with what exactly was happening. You could pick out Petrova Line, Astrophage, Tau Ceti, among several other things you weren’t quite sure on.
And then it was quiet. Just you and him, alone, in a room that now felt much too big. You both started talking at the same time-
“So-”
“Hey-”
You stopped, laughed, apolgized…tried again.
Then you did the exact same thing once more.
“Out of sync,” you joked, a quiet laugh, as the adrenaline wore off and gave way to a feeling you could not describe. You knew him but then again, it had been years. It was finding the balance between an old friend and a stranger.
“It’s been a little bit, huh?” he added, hands digging into the pocket of his jeans. You finally got a glimpse of his shirt, a science pun you were sure he was so excited to show his class of middle schoolers.
“Yeah, just a little bit,” you added, feeling exposed now without the other people in the room, the slightest bit bitter that it had taken all this to see him again. But then again, who really was to blame for that? You looked down at the ground for a second, shuffling your feet against the floor, racking your brain for anything.
“So…saving the sun?”
You barely got the words out before he stepped forward, closing the space between the two of you, pulling you into a hug. So tight, like you might disappear. You stood there for a second, air caught in your throat before you caved into the feeling. Your arms looped around him, head rested against his chest, as if this was something the two of you just did.
“I missed you,” he said, honest, real.
You stayed there, just together, quiet in the chaos of the day.
“I missed you too,” you finally let yourself say, quiet as if the whole world was listening and you wanted it to be just for him. “Why me?”
He quickly pulled away, as if he was shocked into motion, a wild look on his face, you almost started laughing.
“What?” he gasped out, dramatic as ever.
‘What do you mean ‘what’?” you countered, slightly shoving him in the chest. “Why am I here, dumbass?”
“Hey, so first, we are not cursing anymore,” he scolded, his voice morphing into something you only imagine came from years of teaching. “Second, you are the only person I know who would be crazy enough to show up here”.
He shrugged as if it all was nothing, that dumb smile on his face, as he began to move towards the door. “And you would kill me if I got to research Tau Ceti and you didn’t get the invite”.
You wanted to interject, fight it, but you knew, deep down somewhere, that Ryland never stopped knowing you and you never quite stopped loving him.
“You just gonna stand there?” he asked, already at the door, holding it open. “Or are we gonna do some science?”
It really was like no time had passed between college and now…well if you ignored the millions of dollars worth of equipment now at your complete disposal. It’s funny, the way the body reverts back to old habits. The way Ryland and you moved in the lab was your own sort of rhythm, brains connected in a way that seemed almost superhuman. You needed to grab a tool, he dropped it on your desk before you could even move. He had a question, you were answering it as the question left his mouth…then he would smile at you and roll his eyes and go back to his work. It should have felt different after all this time…and it just didn’t. It was dangerous. And it was so wonderful.
The Vat, or Stratts Vat as everyone began to call it, was a hodgepodge of every science you had ever dreamed of. You could talk to a biologist from across the world and then suddenly meet an engineer who happened to be from your hometown. For a while you pretended that this wasn’t what you wanted, you ached to go back to what was safe and comfortable. But as you stood there, another day on the boat, you realized that maybe this is what you had been waiting for. You were researching again, being curious, all the things your younger self could have only dreamed of.
Your days were mostly spent with Ryland, the two of you poking at astrophage while you dug through old research papers you had on Tau Ceti. Your presentation was coming up, only revealed to you a few mornings ago by Dr. Stratt. She had come into the lab early, you had just woken up, believing it to be a perfect time to tell you that you would be addressing the taskforce with any details you had on the planet system. You sat there, swiveling back and forth in your chair, your sidekick on the other side of the room jumping up and down about a new development in Astrophage breeding.
“I wish I had your energy right now,” you groaned out, shuffling through your notes.
“Tau Ceti not treating you well?” he asked, peaking his head around a shelving unit that slightly blocked your view. “Did you try taking it out to dinner first?”
All you could do was flip him the finger, scribbling notes at the same time. “You think I haven’t tried that yet?”
He let out a laugh, coming around to stand behind where you were sat working. You had been really trying, but there were some things that just needed to be seen to be understood…and one of those was Tau Ceti. You had theories, tons of them, hopefully enough to be of help.
“She is still my greatest mystery,” you admitted, turning your chair to face him.
“Well Rome was not built in one day,” he looked at you, a serious look on his face regardless of the word choice. “And Tau Ceti is not gonna be understood that quick either".
You let your head dramatically fall to rest on the desk, quietly groaning into the sleeves of your jacket. Then you felt Rylands hands on your head gently shaking it.
“Hey,” he began, a laugh already escaping him, you mentally preparing yourself for whatever he would be saying next. “Remember they used to call you the brain!”
“Uh, you used to call me the brain,” you retorted, lifting your head up and shoving his hands away. “and it was and still is stupid”.
He grabbed your head once more, shaking it around, “C’mon use the brain, I know it is in there somewhere”.
You turned to glare at him, his lopsided smile making it hard for you to be upset at anything. The energy settled down, the man leaning back against the desk across from you.
“Do you think this is all gonna work out?” you spoke up, looking back to your notes. “Tau Ceti and the Astrophage and all of it?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted, blunt and honest. “But beats sitting around and waiting for it to solve itself…ar at least that it what I choose to tell myself”.
You just nodded, letting him fade back into his work as you faded back into yours. If Tau Ceti wasn’t enough, the constant push and pull between Ryland and you was. You told yourself to keep it easy, to ignore it, all those dumb feelings squashed down from college that threatened to bubble over any second. You buried yourself in your work, that was easiest. But there would be nights where you would fall asleep at your desk and wake up to a blanket thrown over you. Or mornings when the mess you left in the lab were cleaned up…and there would be Ryland, a small wave and a smile, doing a ‘cheers’ with his coffee mug. You could not let yourself read into it, because then it would be all the much harder to eventually pull away.
The presentation day had come in a blur, you now standing once again in the front of that room, papers gripped so tightly in your hands. You were never good at the presenting part of it all. In the bustle of the room you were able to find him, him waving his hands above his head to get your attention. You smile, he shot over two giant thumbs up, and all you could muster was one half as enthusiastic one back. You turned to look through your notes when he caught your eye again, pointing at his head and mouthing “the brain”, which you could only roll your eyes in response, a quiet laugh fighting its way out of you.
“Alright everyone,” the powerful voice of Eva Stratt entered the room, coming to stand beside you in front of the projector screen. “As you know, Dr. (LAST NAME), has been working hard gathering information on Tau Ceti, which will be our final destination for this trip”.
Everyone around the room turned their full attention to you as the women gestured to you and took a seat. Deep breath.
Your heart was jumping in all sorts of directions, as you fidgeted with the clicker, trying to get the presentation to flip to the next slide.
“Hi,” you began.
“Tau Ceti, it is pretty dang cool!” Ryland called out from the back, heads turning to him, him once again shooting the thumbs up.
“Uh, yes…as Dr. Grace put it, "Tau Ceti is really ‘dang cool’,” some of the scientists laughed at that, the stress easing the littlest bit off your shoulder. You began clicking through slides, diagrams of the systems and the potential planets in its orbit. “Thank you for your enthusiasm”.
You took one last deep breath before diving right in, trusting yourself and the years of work you had put into this already.
“What makes Tau Ceti so interesting, while not an exact match, is that it has the potential to be the closest relative to our own solar system,” you began. “Which means, there is a great likelihood of it supporting life or even already having life within it.”
“Now we know that the Tau Ceti sun is the only star to have not been impacted by the Astrophage, however what is harder to understand is exactly why,” you continued, switching to the next slide, getting into a rhythm. It was easy when it was your whole life's passion. “Which is why our mission is going there, to better understand it…however I have some theories that could be useful to prepare our travelers for what exactly might be going on”.
There was first, the idea that the spectral output on Tau Ceti did not match that of what Astrophage was looking to feed on. However the spectral output is very similar to the Sun so it would have to be significantly off to be a problem, which was unlikely. Along with this, there could be some sort of natural defense, like dust specific to that atmosphere. However, the most exciting idea was that of evolutionary pressure…another lifeform that could be eating away at the Astrophage to keep it in balance. While so extremely far fetched, it was the one that made you the most excited to get the data back from the scientists on the Hail Mary. It could change everything that scientists know about that system.
“But the honest answer is, we don’t know until we get up there and bring back some samples,” you closed out. “Now we do have to be aware that this planet is around twelve lightyears away from us”.
You were in a rhythm now, comfortable enough to really look up and around at the people in the room, several of them taking notes and nodding along. “Which means we are kinda looking at it in the past. The light we are seeing right now left Tau Ceti twelve years ago. Which is incredible, but there is the risk that this system is already gone or changed and we wouldn’t know until we get there”.
“However,” you flipped to your final slide. “The data we are able to gather from here points to strong evidence that this system is very alive and this trip will not only open doors for Astrophage but open up a world to an entirely new solar system that could be inhabited by human life”.
You clicked again, the slideshow coming to a close, “And, uh, yeah that is it from me…thanks guys”.
The sound of applause filled the room and you finally felt like you could actually breathe again rather than having to remind yourself to. Your face hurt from smiling, looking around the room, taking it in. You imagined your younger self, sat with her big telescope and book of constellations in a chair in the back. She is smiling, the biggest smile you have ever seen. She knew all those late nights would eventually pay off. Even after your original Tau Ceti lab fell through, even when you couldn’t find a job and ended up at an alien restaurant, even when your door got busted down by Eva Stratt…all those days led to this moment, right now. You wished you could go back and tell the girl in college that it would be okay, that she was enough, that one day she would do big things. But eventually she would learn and that made it all the more worth it.
And there was him too. You found his eyes in an instant, it seemed to be the first thing your body did. It was an old habit, one you could not break, nor really wanted to. He was beaming, an ear to ear smile, waving at you like you had just accomplished something so incredible and not just given a presentation. You made your way towards him, your bodies drawn together like magnets. However with each step you took, you felt like you were being pushed further and further away as people began to come up and shake your hand or ask you questions. Further and further until he faded away in the back of the crowd, now a lone hand stuck up above the crowd trying to get your attention. A thumbs up and you knew everything was gonna be okay.
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You were sitting at the bar, hot off the mic with Ilyukhina, who had forced you up against your will. The slight buzz in your head was enough to make you cave, you were sure that was the whole reason Ilyukhnia had insisted on getting you a few drinks at the start of the night. All of it leading to a horrific and yet kinda beautiful version of “Space Oddity” by David Bowie …it felt fitting.
She had bought you a final drink as a thank you, one you were nursing now, looking around the room. Grace had stayed late in the lab, normally you were there too, but the others in the lab had started to joke that you hated fun and you were determined to prove them wrong. You were fun! Very Fun.
You hadn’t been down to the bar before, didn’t quite understand how people could celebrate knowing what was approaching. You weren’t even on the ship and you could barely get your brain to settle at night enough to fall asleep. The room was full of people, singing, laughing, leaning into each other and finding comfort. It made you smile, maybe made this whole thing feel more real. It made the pit in your stomach worse.
Your eyes caught on DuBois, a drunk Shapiro leaning against his arm, the two of them laughing together, in their own world. Your gaze lingered, unable to pull away. The way they could laugh togethering knowing that DuBois would be gone, not set to return. They had people here, people they were leaving and for the first time that really hit you. You tugged your gaze away, looking back down to the bottle of beer in your hands, half empty…it would stay that way. You couldn’t help it though, like it was a piece of art, you found yourself looking back at the two of them. She looked at him with a quiet kind of intimacy, like the two of them could know what the other was thinking without speaking a single word. They moved in a perfect rhythm, a messy, beautiful rhythm. They weren’t just leaving behind Earth, they were leaving behind their people…a chance at a normal life.
You were gonna be sick. Quickly you set your beer on the table and left the bar pushing through the groups of people singing until you were finally out onto the deck of the ship, cold wind smacking you in the face. You gasped for air, but no matter how much you took in, it still didn’t feel like enough.
The ocean was dark ahead, it was like an abyss and as you looked up, you were met with the bright stars, their shine almost too bright with no other lights around to dim them. You felt so small, and in the grand scheme of things you were, and it both terrified you and brought you some peace.
Your grip was tight on the railing, it almost hurt. You needed to be stable, grounded, anything-
“Hey,” a familiar voice approached from behind, your body tensing before slowly relaxing. You didn’t have to turn back, just slightly nodded your head, an invitation.
“Hey,” he repeated himself, this time softer, as he came around to your side, gripping onto the railing next to yours. “Earth to alien girl?”
“I thought you were working late?” you spoke up, anything to take your mind off earlier, get rid of the image of people who would never see each other again.
“The lab gets kinda lame without a certain scientist analyzing everything I do,” he joked, but you could not get yourself to laugh. “I love your analyzing…that’s uh, that’s what I meant”.
It was almost a compliment, a small smile crept on your face that quickly faded out as another gust of wind hit you, the waves crashing below you. The two of you sat there in silence for longer than you ever had before.
“You okay?” he broke from the silence, turning his head to look at you.
You nodded, “Just cold”.
He nodded back, unconvinced you could tell, as he began to reach for his jacket regardless. You did not fight him on it, you were cold, maybe it would help. The chunky fox cardigan draped over your shoulders as he absentmindedly buttoned the top to keep it from falling off of you. You mumbled a quiet ‘thank you’, bundling into the thick yarn.
“So are you gonna tell me what is really wrong?” he spoke again, him still standing in front of you, adjusting the sweater so it covered you. You met his eyes, his head slightly tilting.
“Have you seen Dubois and Shapiro?” you finally allowed yourself to speak your thoughts into the air.
He nodded, returning to stand next to you, leaning once again against the metal rails, "Yeah, they are definitely hooking up”.
“No,” You shook your head, “There’s something more, you can see it in the way they look at each other”.
The silence met the two of you again, the waves below you getting louder and louder, them in their own conversation. You wondered if the waves too had problems like this, if they thought about the world and what they were meant to be. You felt nauseous, you chose to blame sea sickness. It hurt even more because maybe you wished he would look at you like that. You supposed that was your last tether to Earth, last tether from making you lose your mind…it seemed to be him.
“I just cannot imagine knowing the person that you loved was gonna be gone in a few days, just out in space, floating…and you just never see them again. And you can’t even do anything about it” your voice slightly quivered, it was all too much. The several drinks in your system did little to ease your worry, you actually think it made it worse. “After I lost…after my parents, I mean, it took so long to be okay with not getting a goodbye. But they, I mean Shapiro gets to say goodbye. How do you even say that kind of goodbye knowing they are out there and will die, alone?”
You hadn’t realized how blurred your vision had gotten until you looked up, finding Ryland’s gaze, his eyes scanning your face. He had been there, in college, when your parents had passed, had sat up with you for weeks on end keeping you distracted, helping you stay on top of work when your world felt like it was ending.
He carefully reached to wrap his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to his side, a silent kind of comfort, the kind you liked. You rested your head against his chest, melting into his touch, allowing him to be strong for you for a little. It made your head hurt, all of this and him…there was always him.
You weren’t sure how long it was before he spoke up again, you had counted at least twenty crashes of the waves against the boat. It seemed to be the only thing you could think about without falling apart.
“Where do you see yourself after all this?” he asked, pulling you the little bit tighter against him. You were not in the headspace to dig into that, nor the question he was asking. Because where did you go? You were doing the thing you had worked your whole life for and then what? Back to the restaurant? Back to serving punny dishes named after planets and pretending you were fulfilled?
“Probably go home,” you began, your voice thin, a little shaky. “Can’t keep the Extraterrestrial Eatery without their best server for too long”.
It was supposed to be funny but it came out dejected. A quiet laugh escaped him at your words.
“That’s not-”
“That’s exactly what it is,” you cut him off, sharper than you meant it to be, gaze set down at your shoes, at the hem of his sweater, at anything that wouldn’t make you think so much. “That’s my life, Ryland”.
Before this your life had been small, so miniscule…your dreams seemed so far away. Now you were here, it was all right in front of you. You didn’t even think you would ever get this close to studying Tau Ceti, all the resources right there for you to use.
“This…all of this is everything I ever worked for,” you continued. “Being here, doing things that actually matter, and then it’s just gonna be over”.
The lab, Tau Ceti…him. You had grown so used to it, too comfortable and the feeling of it being torn away felt weird. But that was life, you would adjust, or you would try.
“It doesn’t have to be over,” he offered, trying to comfort the ache in your words. And it hit you, with a force that could have sent you overboard. Your head snapped up, looking at him, you opened your mouth to say something but stopped yourself.
“I gotta go,” you spoke, in a daze of sorts, his words replaying over and over in your head.
“Hey, no. Come on” he too stood up, no longer leaning against the railing. “Talk to me, I am here! We could go sing karaoke or something, be stupid, forget about it”.
“You hate karaoke,” you countered, already edging towards the stairs back down into the boat.
“Maybe I could like it?”
“I am gonna go to bed,” you turned back to him, lying through your teeth. You searched his face once more, took a mental picture of him standing right there, breeze blowing through his hair, glasses slightly tilted. He looked perfect.
“It does not have to be over,” you repeated, more to yourself than to him, before ducking down into the stairs and back down the hall. You were sure he called your name but your body could not turn around. It could have been the alcohol in your system. Maybe you were losing your mind. Maybe it was a little bit of both, but your feet carried you right to Dr. Stratt’s office.
You didn’t even knock, pushing open the door, her head snapping up from the silence. Her eyes slightly narrowed, you standing there in the doorway, trying to catch your brain up to your movements.
“Take me instead,” you blurted out, desperate.
The woman did not react right away, just studied you, like she was weighing something you couldn’t see.
“I have nothing keeping me here”.
At least, almost nothing.
“I have worked my whole life for this,” you continued, words spilling out of you before you could even really think them through. “Tau Ceti is my everything and now I am here. And I can do it, I want to do it”.
You swallowed, a shaky breath, so loud in such a quiet room.
“I need to”.
You stood there, feeling so small in the doorway, waiting for something, anything that would confirm that you weren’t making a mistake. Doctor Stratt just nodded her head, short and direct, like she always was.
“Go get some sleep Doctor,” and you just nodded back, your brain going completely silent for the first time that night.
--------
When the explosion happened a few days later, it was all the justification Eva Stratt needed. The day had been a mess, the loss of those doctors devastating, the power of Astrophage even more extraordinary . There was no time to even process though, as just as quickly as it had happened, Dr. Stratt had pulled you into a conference room. The plans moved fast, there was no time to delay with launch day approaching. You agreed as quickly as it was proposed, Ilyukhnia sending you small thumbs up from across the table.
The explanation was a blur. The coma, the four year trip, the three hours until you would have to be ready. Three hours before your life changed forever. That was all it took for everything to become real. But you nodded along. You had a duty now, not only to yourself but to Dubois and Shapiro and all of humanity. For Ryland Grace and his students, for the young girls out there dreaming of studying the stars. It would all be worth it, for them. It had to be.
You made your way back towards the lab, moving in a sort of hazy trance. You were allowed a few personal items to bring with you on the ship, most of the ones you wanted to bring were stored on the shelves of your desk. A picture of you and Ryland at a weird alien museum your class had gone to. A photo of you with your parents on move-in day at college. Your favorite book. A journal of your personal notes. And that stupid alien shirt.
You smiled, piling the items into a box you kept in the lab, when the door came rattling open.
Ryland Grace came stumbling into the lab practically lit on fire, out of breath, a million emotions on his face. You knew it before he even spoke the words.
“What are you doing?” he asked in a panic, searching your face, his eyes shooting in every direction, him taking steps closer to you.
“I don’t-”
“No, you aren’t doing this,” his stopped you. “What are you doing? They can’t just take you?”
“I volunteered,” you countered back, simple, straight to the point…it would make it easier. You turned back to the box, finishing placing the items, scared what looking back at him would do. He was quiet behind you and that hurt the most. Maybe it hurt because of the quiet, maybe it hurt because he didn't have more to say.
“This is it for me,” you said, still facing the box, busying yourself with organizing and reorganizing the objects, anything to keep from facing the truth. “I have studied Tau Ceti my whole life and now I am going to see it, I am going to help save this planet”.
“You don’t know that,” he bit back. “I mean we can hope but you have no idea if this is even gonna work-”
“Beats the alternative,” you countered.
“And what's the alternative?”
That made you turn, you finally facing him. He looked so tired, a mix of confusion, anger, sadness… somehow all at once.
“This,” you admitted. “Going home to that apartment, living through pictures of a better time while I work that shitty job. That’s not living, that is not how I am going to live!”
“So what, now you are just going off to die?” he was upset, you hadn’t seen him like this in a while, not since his theory about water had not been received well in college.
“I am saving humanity”.
“Oh wow, yes, real courageous of you,” he retorted, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Fuck you Ryland,” you said, quiet, cold. “You’re the one who brought me here”.
His eyes snapped to yours, the two of you just looking at each other, breathing.
“And it was supposed to be a temporary thing,” he bit back. “Empahsis on the whole temporary part of this all. I mean, just a couple of days ago you were saying how you couldn’t imagine people having to say goodbye like this.”
You didn't have the heart to tell him that you hadn't planned on saying goodbye to him at all. It was wrong, you knew that, selfish, but you couldn’t get yourself to do it. He was your last tether to Earth and it was growing thinner and thinner.
“I have nothing here for me,” you spoke from the silence.
“You have-” and then he stopped himself and your head once again snapped up to meet his eyes.
“Say it,” you spoke, quietly, pleading for him to say the one thing that could make you stay. “Please Ry, just say it”.
Everything hung there, floating in the air and he couldn’t, his head just slightly shaking in disappointment. The tether snapped right there.
“Okay,” it was so breathy, barely even a word. You had no more fight left in you, no words left to say, nothing he could do that would change your mind. He was too stuck in his ways, too stubborn. You grabbed the box, looking at him once more, before you shoved your way past him and out the door of the office. It was quiet, too quiet down that hallway and when you looked back he was looking at you and you just gave him a smile, a small one…I will learn to forgive you.
You felt no regret.
Not when Eva Stratt thanked you for your sacrifice. Not when the doctors came in and prepared the injection that would put you under. Not even when the needle pierced your skin. You only did, just for a second, when you heard your name. When his voice called through the room, faint but desperate. It was muffled, your vision growing thinner and thinner, fading at the edges. The voice just grew quieter and quieter. A hand gripped tightly onto yours, shaking you more and more until you felt nothing at all.
----------
The first thing you realize is that you cannot open your eyes, like they are glued shut. You squeeze them a couple times, blinking over and over until they finally force themselves open.
So bright!
You should have just kept them close. You blink a few more times.
Then you realize that you can’t move, and not because your arms are stiff…no, there is a giant, what you could best describe as, plastic bag wrapped around you.
“Eye movement detected,” you practically jump out of your skin at the sound disrupting the silence. The voice is clean, almost inhuman, as it once again repeats its previous statement.
You try to move your arms, nothing. Your legs, nothing. Your fingers…just a little bit. The feeling of helplessness crashes all over you at once as you come to the slow realization that this was not just a bad case of sleep paralysis.
Before you could even begin to make sense of it, a giant robotic hand swept across your vision, reaching down to unzip the human sandwich bag you were being trapped in. Now was your change, you shifted your weight as much as you could side to side until you rolled and made contact with the hard floor. A groan escaped you, the only sound you could really get out.
What the actual fuck?
There are tubes, connected in places you didn’t even know were possible. But nothing was as alarming as the realization that you had no idea where you were…no idea who you were. You looked around in a panic, trying to worm around off the ground, the robot hand stopping you in your place, lifting you off the ground and placing you back onto the table. You left out a mix of muffled objections, the most you could muster…your vocal chords were somehow still waking up. The computer acted before you could even protest, removing all the tubes, sensations you had never felt before and hoped to never feel again. At least, you assumed you had never felt them before.
You saw it as your chance, the robot hand busy putting the tubing away, you jumping off the table and immediately crumbling to the ground.
“Fuck!” the sound surprised you…you were making progress. Using the little strength and feeling in your limbs that you had, you scooted and crawled across the floor. Where was the door? Your head snapped back and forth, up and- There it was, on the ceiling, of course it was. The ladder connected to it seemed daunting but what choice did you have.
The robot spoke again, speaking a name, or you assumed it was, “detected, alive”.
It must have been your name, huh, you didn’t completely hate it. You continued to move across the floor, slow, scared that the robot arm might just yank you right back into the air.
“Movement detected in the dormitory," the robotic voice spoke once again, causing you to speed up. It was trying to blow your cover, ruin your plan. Who knew, there might be a whole army of robots up there ready to get you. With each scoot across the floor, the feeling in your limbs began to find itself again. By the time you reached the ladder you were able to somewhat pull yourself up, each step getting harder and harder. You were tired, even if it seemed you had just woken up from some coma-like situation. You reached the top, banging the door over and over until it eventually popped up.
Reaching the top, standing on solid ground again was a feeling you had a new respect for. Then you turned your head…and you came to the jarring realization that you weren’t on solid ground at all. A giant window looking out into the great plane of stars…you were in space. You took slow, cautious steps towards the window, scared that you might somehow get sucked out.
It was beautiful, you were at a loss of words for a reason other than your inability to talk.
“Holy shoot,” a voice spoke from behind you, you stumbled slightly turning around, throwing your hand up in defense. “You are awake”.
“Am I?” you asked, genuinely…you wouldn’t have been shocked if you had died and were now in some weird waiting room.
The look on the man's face was one of relief and that was enough to slowly allow your hands to fall back to your side. He seemed slightly more put together than you were, except for the glasses titled slightly on his face…though he made no move to readjust them. Maybe he was an alien and that was how they wore their glasses? Were you an alien too?
“Where am I? What is this? What…” you trailed off, once again catching a glimpse of the stars. The feeling was hard to explain, like you were floating in your own head, nothing there but faint blurry glimpses of something that you knew came before this. But no matter how hard you fought, you could not get yourself to decipher the memories. “I can’t remember what…”
He nodded as you spoke, and you knew he understood. You couldn’t understand, but your body softened slightly, your heart beat became steady and your breathing returned to something much more normal.
“I, uh, I woke up a couple days ago…in that room,” he tried to explain, looking as if he too was piecing it together in real time. “Where do I even start…”
You stood there, helpless, waiting for something.
“We are in space,” you rolled your eyes at his words, pointing out at the window next to the two of you. “Oh right, well, just clarifying”.
“Anything else genius?” you didn’t mean to come across as on edge but you were confused and hungry and annoyed that your brain could not do what it was meant to do.
“We aren’t in our own solar system,” he spoke again, finally with some seriousness to his tone, you perking up and meeting his gaze. “We are, according to the map in the control room, in the Tau Ceti system about twelve lightyears away from Earth”.
He trailed off on the last word, giving you a second to absorb…but you were not a sponge and your brain was rejecting all of it. It made no sense, it was insane…but so was the giant robotic arm that picked you up earlier.
“We were sent here for a reason,” he finished. “I just am not sure what exactly that is yet”.
He then paused, a long pause, like he was choosing his next words carefully, “we were sent in a group of four”.
“Oh,” you looked up at him, a feeling of relief washing over you, maybe they knew more, maybe they had been awake for longer. “Well, let’s just go pick their brains?”
“They didn’t make it,” he added, the words sitting heavy in the air.
You just nodded, unsure of what to say, scared of how it would all feel once your memories began to trickle back like his were.
Would they have been your friends? Would the grief hit you later? The words sat weird in your stomach, even weirder knowing that there was a time where you knew everyone on this ship, there was a time where you knew why you were there. People who were your friends and now it was just you and strangers, chosen by some sort of fate to survive.
“What happened to them?”
“What am I? Your magic eight ball,” he joked, a weak attempt at trying to lighten the mood…you hated that it made you smile the way it did. “Don’t fight it, I know it was funny.”
“Oh wait, the memories are coming back…” you pretended to think, before letting a blank look spread on your face. “You’re an asshole”.
He threw his arms in mock defense and you weren’t sure why but it all felt so natural.
“I found some vodka earlier,” he offered up, a shitty solution, a temporary one for sure, but a solution nonetheless.
“We brought vodka?” you paused. “At least we know we had fun”.
He laughed and you laughed too, anything to keep you from thinking about what this all was, what this meant and how exactly you get back to Earth from twelve light years away.
The man, who you learned was named Ryland Grace, took you around the rooms he had already spent time exploring. The labs…so you were scientists? Then the controls, and the space suits and the shelves of equipment that you could not even begin to understand. He eventually showed you a small closet, one containing boxes labeled with four names, pulling the one with yours on it down.
In yours were some pictures…one of the two of you, so you were friends? Maybe? You should go with friends for now. Then a picture of two older individuals stood next to you, in front of the sign of a college…they must have been your parents. Did they know you were up in space? Did they send you up here? The thought made your head hurt so you stopped, tucking it away, it was for another day. There were too many questions floating as is. Then the shirt, a giant shirt that confused that shit out of you even more. You took it out of the box, holding it up to show him and the two of you just burst out laughing.
“So I have bad taste in clothing?” you asked, trying to regain your breathing, him wiping away the tears from his eyes.
“You should see some of the other clothes people brought,” and those words were just the start. Too much vodka flowing through your system, the two of you found comfort in trying on stupid hats and shirts packed throughout the ship. At some point you found yourself collapsed on the floor with him, laying there, the bag of alcohol laying between the two of you.
You talked for hours that night…well you assumed it was night, trying to hypothesize about who the two of you might have been. Were you smart? Where had the two of you met? Were you friends? Somewhere in your mind you felt like there was something else there. But you did not want to dig there, when you tried your head would just pound right back. So you laid there, accepting the silence of space, accepting that none of it made sense.
“I am glad I am not alone,” he spoke up from the silence, so quiet you might have missed it.
“I am not sure why, but I feel like we were meant to do this together,” you replied, turning your head to the side to look at him.
He was already looking at you with a soft smile on his face. Tomorrow you would wake up and it would be overwhelming all over again. But for now, you were wearing an alien shirt and laying beside a man with a beautiful smile and titled glasses. Floating absently among the stars and you felt like you have never felt so at home.
Synopsys: Four days without his wife, and Prince Valarr Targaryen is certain he is dying.
The court calls it excess. His brother calls it pathetic. Valarr calls it devotion.
And he intends to survive it. Probably.
Word count: 2.6k words
The sun had no right to be shining.
Valarr Targaryen knew this with every fiber of his being, the certainty of it settled deep in his bones as he lay sprawled across the vast, empty expanse of his marriage bed. Outside the windows of Maegor's Holdfast, the morning light spilled across Blackwater Bay in a display of golden indifference, painting the room in cheerful hues that made him want to scream.
It had been four days.
Four days since his wife—his sun, his moon, his very reason for drawing breath—had climbed into a wheelhouse and rolled away from him, bound for whatever minor keep happened to be housing her brother and his excessively fertile wife. A daughter. They had produced a daughter, and apparently this was cause for such celebration that Y/N simply had to attend.
He understood this, theoretically. In the same way one understood that the sun would eventually set or that winter would someday come. He understood that sisters loved brothers and that new nieces were supposedly wonderful creatures worth traveling for. He understood all of this with his mind, which was a traitorous organ that had clearly never been in love.
His heart, however—his poor, neglected, Y/N-less heart—understood nothing except that she was gone.
Valarr rolled onto his stomach and pressed his face into her pillow.
It still smelled like her.
He had forbidden the servants from changing the linens. They had looked at him strangely, which was absurd. Who wouldn't want to preserve the last traces of their wife's scent? The faint floral notes of whatever oil she used in her hair, the warm sweetness that was simply her, the way the fabric seemed to hold the memory of her cheek against it—
A knock at the door.
"Go away," he said into the pillow.
"Your Grace, the King requests your presence at the small council meeting." It was his squire, a boy of twelve who sounded far too cheerful for someone whose master was clearly in mourning.
"I'm ill."
"You said that yesterday, Your Grace. And the day before."
"And I remain ill. It's a persistent illness. Very serious. Possibly fatal."
A pause. "Should I fetch a maester, Your Grace?"
Valarr considered this. A maester would poke at him and ask questions and inevitably conclude that he was suffering from nothing more than a severe case of missing his wife. Which was true, but also humiliating to have spoken aloud by a man in grey robes.
"No. Tell my grandfather I am... indisposed. With grief."
"Grief, Your Grace?"
"My wife is gone." He said this with such profound tragedy that the boy actually went silent for a moment.
"Ah. Yes. For... four days now, isn't it, Your Grace?"
"Four days, seventeen hours, and—" He squinted at the window, trying to gauge the sun's position. "Approximately six and a half hours. Not that I'm counting."
"Of course not, Your Grace."
"The counting would imply that I have nothing better to do than track her absence, which I don't—because she took my purpose in life with her when she left."
Another pause. Valarr imagined the boy standing in the corridor, shifting from foot to foot, wondering if the prince had finally lost his mind. He probably had. It didn't matter.
"Shall I bring you breakfast, Your Grace?"
"No."
"Lunch?"
"I said no."
"Dinner? Perhaps some wine? Bread? A boar? Anything at all?"
Valarr lifted his head just enough to glare at the door. "Do I sound hungry to you? Does a man whose heart has been ripped from his chest and carried away to some distant keep where he cannot reach it sound like he wants bread?"
The boy wisely retreated.
Alone again, Valarr flopped back onto the pillow and resumed his vigil of misery.
---
An hour later—or perhaps three; time had lost all meaning—he found himself in his chambers, seated at the desk where he had once, in a former life, attended to correspondence and other tedious duties. Now it served a far more important purpose.
He opened the locket.
It was a beautiful thing, commissioned three days ago from a goldsmith who had clearly thought him mad but was wise enough not to say so. The outside was simple enough, a smooth disc of gold that fit perfectly in his palm. But inside, nestled against the fine enamel work that had cost him a small fortune and the goldsmith's entire week, was her face.
Her face.
The painter had captured her perfectly—the curve of her smile, the warmth in her eyes, the way one eyebrow always lifted slightly when she was about to tease him. Valarr had described every detail with the precision of a maester cataloging a rare specimen, and the man had somehow managed to translate those fevered descriptions into art.
He kissed it.
Then he kissed it again.
Then he held it against his chest and stared at the wall, imagining that she was here, that she was laughing at him for being so dramatic, that she would wrap her arms around his neck and press her forehead to his and tell him that four days apart was nothing, that he was being ridiculous, that she loved him anyway.
He would take that. He would take her calling him ridiculous a thousand times over if it meant having her here.
The door opened.
"I told you I don't want—"
"Brother." It was Matarys, his younger brother, standing in the doorway with an expression of unholy amusement. "Still alive, I see. The servants were placing bets."
"Get out."
"I've come to save you from yourself." Matarys strode in as if he owned the place, flinging himself onto a chair with the careless grace of someone who had never known true suffering. "Four days, Valarr. Four. She'll be back in another fortnight, at most."
"A fortnight?" Valarr sat up so fast the locket swung wildly on its chain. "You said a sennight yesterday."
"I was being optimistic. Babies are unpredictable. Births take time. Celebrations take longer. You're looking at ten more days, minimum."
Ten more days.
Ten more days without her laugh, without her hand in his, without the way she hummed while she brushed her hair at night, without—
"I'm going to die," he said flatly. "I'm going to expire from lack of her, and they'll find my body here, clutching this locket, and the maesters will write treatises about it. 'The First Recorded Case of Death by Wife-Absence.' They'll name it after me. Valarr's Malady."
Matarys snorted. "You're pathetic."
"I'm devoted. There's a difference."
"There really isn't." His brother leaned forward, expression shifting to something almost like concern. "Valarr, listen to me. You need to do something. Anything. You haven't left these chambers in days—"
"I left yesterday."
"To stand on the battlements and stare at the road south for three hours. That doesn't count."
"It counted to me."
Matarys pinched the bridge of his nose. "Father is worried. Grandfather is worried. Even Aerion looked mildly concerned, and he's usually too busy practicing his cruel smile to care about anyone's wellbeing. You're making a spectacle of yourself."
"Let them watch." Valarr touched the locket again, tracing the outline of her painted smile. "She is my wife. I love her. I am not ashamed to miss her."
"No one expects you not to miss her. We expect you to miss her like a normal person. Go to council meetings. Eat food. Bathe, for the love of all the gods, you're starting to smell like a stabled horse."
Valarr sniffed his own armpit. It was... not pleasant. But that was beside the point.
"The small council can function without me. Food is unnecessary without her to share it. And bathing—" He paused, considering. "Would it be strange if I used her soaps?"
"Yes."
"They smell like her."
"I know. That's why it would be strange."
Valarr disagreed fundamentally with this assessment, but he was too tired to argue. He slumped back against the pillows, pulling the locket out to gaze at it once more. Her eyes. Her smile. The little mole near her left eyebrow that he kissed every morning without fail.
"She's so beautiful," he murmured.
"We know. You tell us constantly."
"Do you think she's thinking of me? Right now, at this moment? Do you think she misses me too?"
Matarys stood abruptly. "I'm leaving. I came to help, but I find I have no stomach for watching my brother dissolve into a puddle of sentiment. If you need me, don't find me."
The door closed behind him.
Valarr hardly noticed. He was too busy imagining her in some distant keep, holding her new niece, perhaps glancing toward the window and thinking of him. Perhaps touching her chest where a matching locket—because of course he'd had two made, one for each of them, so she could look at his face too—rested against her heart.
He hoped she was looking at it.
He hoped she missed him even half as much as he missed her.
Another knock.
"What?"
A servant entered, this one older and wiser to his moods. She carried a tray with bread and cheese and a cup of wine, which she set on the table without comment.
"Your Grace," she said, her tone carefully neutral. "The Princess Y/N's wheelhouse was spotted on the Rosby road an hour ago. Moving south. Away from the city."
Valarr's heart plummeted through the floor.
"Away?" He sat up, clutching the locket like a talisman. "Why would she be moving away? She's supposed to be moving toward me. The world is meant to bring her closer, not farther. That's the natural order of things."
"The messenger said the princess decided to accompany her brother's family part of the way to their next destination. She'll be delayed by another few days."
Another few days.
He was going to perish. Truly and completely. They would find him dead of yearning, his cold fingers still wrapped around her painted smile, and on his lips would be her name, and the singers would compose ballads about his devotion, and—
The servant was still there, watching him with an expression that might have been pity.
"Leave the bread," he said weakly.
She left.
Valarr stared at the tray. The bread looked dry. The cheese looked plain. The wine looked like the kind that would make him maudlin rather than numb, and he was already so deep in maudlin that any further descent would require ropes and a guide.
He reached for the locket again.
Four more days. Possibly five. Possibly a whole sennight of additional Y/N-less existence stretching before him like an endless grey sea.
He could do this.
He could survive.
He had her locket. He had her pillow. He had the memory of her voice, which he replayed in his mind constantly, and the way she laughed, which he conjured up whenever the silence grew too loud.
He would be fine.
He would be fine.
---
He was not fine.
Three hours later, he had migrated to her solar, where he sat surrounded by her things—her books, her embroidery, her little pots of color for painting, her shawl still draped over the back of her chair. He held the shawl in his lap, stroking the soft wool, breathing in the fading scent of her.
"Y/N," he whispered to the empty room. "Y/N, Y/N, Y/N."
It helped, somehow. Saying her name. Keeping her present through sheer force of vocalization.
"You have to come back soon," he continued, addressing the shawl. "I'm running out of things to do. I've stared at the locket so much I might have worn a hole through the enamel. I've read every letter you ever wrote me—twice. I've counted the floorboards in our bedchamber. There are forty-seven. Did you know that? I didn't know that. I know it now."
The shawl offered no response.
"I talked to your pillow this morning. Told it about my day. Which was nothing, because you weren't here, but I described the nothing in detail. The pillow was a good listener. Better than Matarys, certainly."
He sighed, slumping lower in the chair.
"Do you remember our wedding? Of course you do. But do you remember how I couldn't stop staring at you? How they had to nudge me to say my vows because I was too busy looking at your face? The septon thought I was nervous. I wasn't nervous. I was just—you were so beautiful. You're always so beautiful. I'm not sure you understand how beautiful you are. I should tell you more often. I'll tell you every day when you come back. Every single day. Multiple times a day. You'll get tired of hearing it."
He paused, considering.
"No, you won't. You love me. You think I'm wonderful. You tell me that all the time, and I never get tired of it, so why would you get tired of—"
A knock. He was going to have words with whoever kept interrupting his mourning.
"Your Grace?" A different servant, this one young and nervous. "There's a raven. From the princess."
Valarr was on his feet before the sentence finished, crossing the room in three strides and snatching the tiny scroll from the servant's hand. He unrolled it with shaking fingers, devouring the words:
My love,
My good sister is recovered and the babe is healthy and beautiful. They have named her Valerya, after you. (I may have suggested it.) We will be delayed another few days as we travel with them to—
He stopped reading.
They had named the baby after him.
A tiny girl, carrying a piece of his name. Because his wife had suggested it. Because his wife thought of him even while holding a newborn, even while surrounded by her own kin, even while separated by miles and miles of road.
He read the sentence again.
They have named her Valerya, after you.
"Your Grace?" The servant was still there, hovering uncertainly. "Is all well?"
Valarr looked up, and for the first time in four days, he smiled.
"All is well," he said. "All is very well. Tell the kitchens to prepare a feast. Tell my brother I'll be at council tomorrow. Tell my grandfather I've recovered from my illness."
The servant blinked. "You have, Your Grace?"
"I have." He pressed the letter to his chest, right over his heart, where the locket rested against his skin. "My wife has sent word. I am cured."
---
That night, he wrote her a letter.
It was very long. It contained approximately seventeen declarations of love, twelve descriptions of how much he missed her, three jokes that she probably wouldn't find funny but he hoped she would anyway, and a detailed account of his conversation with her pillow.
He did not mention the forty-seven floorboards. That seemed excessive even for him.
At the end, just before sealing it with wax, he added a postscript:
I have commissioned a third locket. This one will have two paintings—one of you, one of me—side by side. So that when I look at you, I can also imagine you looking at me, and we can be looking at each other even when we're apart. I know it's not the same as having you here. But it's something.
Come home soon.
Your devoted husband,
Valarr
P.S. If you see this baby Valerya, tell her her uncle loves her already. Not as much as I love you. Nothing could be that much. But a respectable amount for a niece.
He sent it with the fastest raven in the rookery, then climbed into bed—her side, always her side now—and fell asleep with the locket pressed to his lips and her name on his tongue.
Five more days.
He could survive five more days.
Probably.
---
Author's Note:
Normalize men being this pathetic about their wives. The dragons may be gone, but dramatic devotion should not be.
i can write for the next fandoms: weak hero, squid game, study group, aouad, tlou, yellowjackets (possibly), star wars (shows only: mandalorian, andor and the acolyte), marvel (mcu and comic based), any lee jun young and cha woo min character, stranger things, any other kdrama character i will write if i’m familiar with it or know about the character.
also xidol x x!reader or xactor!
yes, i can consider writing character x oc! stories sometimes!
i am very comfortable with writing any type of mature content like smut, but i would not write for any kinks such as: extreme/harcore bdsm, foot fetish, piss kink, rape or noncon dynamics, age gaps need to be appropriate, incest (not even if we are talking about hotd/got request!).
make sure to always let me know exactly what you wish me to write about in your request so i don’t mess up any details or information. (especially if you wish me to write in any case for your oc!)
i will always try to keep the reader! as neutral as i can (other than fem!reader, male!reader or gender neutral) there will not be any mentions of nationality, skin color, height, weight, body type, name, or any personal characteristics. is all you babes.
star wars or marvel request can be an exception to the previous rule, since if it’s star wars it could be a non human reader or something that implies characteristics.
remember that i’m not tied to writing something i don’t know about or i’m not comfortable with, after all is my decision. also, it might sometimes take me a while to post something but i’ll eventually post it (i will try my best to post it soon since is a request and they might be my priority)
make sure to read so we can make this a comfortable space for you, me and the rest of the community!
leebertsky small guidelines:
i write as a fun little way to past time (i’m not really tied to this so don’t expect me being so constant also because i’m also a college student!).
i am very open to request but i need to feel totally comfortable and okay with whatever that request may include.
i’m dyslexic, so yes, my writing sometimes will have grammar mistakes even after i revise it, i sadly read too fast and miss important mistakes, so feel free to correct me.
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I need you to write a fanfiction about Seo Go Myung (Hong Kyung) please :D
★ MIRACLE WORKER
SEO GO - MYUNG X FEM!READER
🕊 go - myung finally comes home after his latest job went... not as expected. 4.8k words
cws guys i just took creative liberty with his work hours and literally everything regarding his job LMAOOO | if anything seems to be missing or was added twice, then that's because my tumblr kept crashing when I tried to post this.
꩜ nsfw— face sitting, unprotected piv
notes thank you guys for 300 followers! I do think I actually only post smut when i reach a follower goal... idk it all happened so quickly, i feel like i only started posting yesterday.... i dont know if I'll write anything else for go-myung after this so please no one request it for now.
I think I'm the first person to write for him on tumblr (+ there's nothing on wattpad and ao3 that i found) so I'm proud to say i might be the og go myung writer
seo go-myung had always hoped to be destined for more than just the average life.
he had always dreamed of more— of being recognised not only amongst his peers but also by the world. by the people he would one day save, just to afterwards be bathed in glory and acknowledgement for what he had done.
well, that dream was no longer achievable now.
it was a disappointing reality to face— that everything he had ever longed and worked for in life had been taken away from him that easily. that what he had desired so much had been given to someone else without as much as a glance towards him.
he should have expected it the moment he had stepped into the room, should have seen it coming when he stupidly found himself suggesting that "hey, why don't we all just pretend that this is pyongyang? what could possibly go wrong!"
that at least was his own fault, really.
he shook his head as he made his way up the stairs, lips pressed into a thin line as the events of the airport replayed inside of his head for probably the millionth time now.
his mood had been rather sour (an understatement) lately, to no one's surprise, but he could feel his shoulders relaxing the closer he got to his destination.
the one thing in his life that wasn't going wrong at the moment.
go-myung didn't know why you stayed with him, really. why you stuck to his side even during the worst times of his life, even when he was barely present sometimes due to his occupation.
there was no doubt to him that someone as beautiful— both from the inside and outside— as you could have anyone if you just let go of him, yet you had been with him for longer than he could even remember.
it was almost embarrassing to think of how you had known him even back in school, when he had been scrawny and not even half the person he was today.
go-myung had always been eager and determined to reach for the stars, but at that time it had seemed like nothing more than an illusion, at least for everyone around him.
seo go-myung. beloved and known by everyone— a hero of the south korean people.
but you had supported him regardless of how unlikely it seemed. had been there to remind him that he could do it, that anything was possible if he just kept trying. and even if it didn't work out the way he wanted, you would still always be there for him at the end of the day.
he had tried. really had. everything had worked out, too, up until the very end. he knew it wasn't his fault— what the government had done to him, how they had thrown him away like he was just some worthless piece of trash— but he couldn't help himself but feel like he had let you down.
finally reaching your apartment, he hesitantly knocked on the door, a sigh leaving his lips as he waited for you to open it.
it had been a while since you two had last seen each other— there had been no time for meeting up recently— so it was a relief when you slightly opened the door and peeked through the gap, eyes widening as you pulled him into the apartment and wrapped your arms around him in a tight hug.
the surprising part wasn't that you were shocked at seeing him— you knew when he would come back— but rather how tired your boyfriend looked.
"I missed you", you whispered, one hand now on the back of his head to gently scratching over his scalp as go-myung let out a sigh, his own arms wrapped around your body.
the two of you stood like that for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence now that he was finally home.
it was difficult for him to let go of you, despite knowing that he would have more than enough time to stay for a while now. he was not going back after everything for as long as he could— he didn't care what anyone needed him for. he wouldn't be able to stand working right now.
you helped him slip out of his jacket and put it away, noting the way his shirt clinged to his toned arms and watching as go-myung took off his shoes.
he stretched as he looked at you again with a fond smile on his face, his shirt rising up and exposing the tiniest bit of his skin.
it wasn't much and it surely was no reason for your body to feel the way it did right now, but you hadn't seen him for a while now, so seeing even just the slightest bit of his tanned skin was enough for your mind to wander to places it shouldn't be at when you hadn't even had dinner yet.
go-myung took a step towards you before pulling you close again, one hand cupping your cheek as he looked at you, biting his lip as his finger gently rubbed over your skin.
you leaned into the touch, eyes closing as you let out a satisfied hum.
"I'm off work for a while now. personal decision", go-myung explained with a sigh, not clarifying any further.
you knew that he couldn't tell you about it, suppressing your curiosity for details in favour of pulling him into a gentle kiss, pushing him so he would walk back and towards the sofa.
"did it not go well?", you asked, peppering small kisses all over his face and neck as you pushed him down, deciding that you at least wanted to get an understanding of how he was feeling right now.
go-myung closed his eyes and just let you do what you wanted. his eyebrows furrowed not in annoyance at you, but at the thought of how, no, the issue actually wasn't that things hadn't gone well, but rather the fact that he had gotten no credit for everything he had done for that dispute shitshow of a mission to not be a compete failure.
"hmm, no... that's not the issue", he moved his head so you could kiss his neck better, smiling at the feeling of your lips on his skin, "just no credit for my work, that's all"
you knew that it wasn't as simple as that, and that he was more upset than he wanted you to see, but just hummed in understanding. you knew that if you pushed and genuinely wanted go-myung to tell you, he would. he wasn't allowed to, but he had always been unable to resist you.
"are you hungry? I cooked", you asked, watching as he opened an eye to glance at you, before slowly nodding.
"food would be good", go-myung smiled weakly, letting himself be pulled off the sofa by you and led into the kitchen next to the living room.
you ate mainly in silence at first, aside from some compliments on your cooking from go-myung's side. it was comfortable, though. nice to have him this close again.
after a few minutes, he started asking about what you had been up to while he had been gone, eager to catch up on everything he had missed in your life. he knew that it might feel one sided, since he wasn't allowed to share with you what had happened and always had to let you do all the talking, but you had no issue with it.
go-myung watched and watched as you talked, entranced by your voice and the look on your face as you went on about your week, smiling brightly at him.
he was glad to be home, glad to be in a place that wasn't falling apart around him.
after both of you had finished eating, he helped you wash the dishes and put everything away, occasionally pinching your side in an attempt to tickle you, enjoying the sound of your laughter whenever he did so.
it didn't take long for the two of you to make your way towards the bedroom once you were done, your arms wrapped around his neck as you walked backwards and through the door.
go-myung pulled you into a kiss before you could even reach the bed, not able to spend any more time not kissing you.
he gently nibbled on your lips, making you gasp as he sank his teeth into them, using the opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth and deepen the kiss
hands roaming over your body as he licked into your mouth, go-myung carefully pushed you backwards and onto the bed, climbing on top of you. he attached his lips to your neck and sucked on it, tongue swirling over the red mark it left on your skin.
you gasped as he messily licked and bit all over your neck, one of his legs sliding in between your legs, making you groan as he rubbed against you.
"go-myung...", you whimpered as his hand traveled down to your pants, a questioning look on his face as he waited for your approval to continue.
you nodded, a grin on his face as he unbuttoned your pants before sliding his hand inside of them. you were already wetter than you should be from just kissing and some light touching, and he raised his eyebrows at the feeling of your damp panties, making you look away in shame.
go-myung rubbed over the soaked fabric, watching as your hips bucked up into his hand. a low moan was drawn from your lips as he pushed the fabric covering your pussy aside, inserting two fingers at once between your folds.
you hummed in pleasure at the feeling, walls clenching around him as he pumped his fingers in and out of you. he was scissoring you open as you arched your back, all pretty for him to watch.
"did you miss that?", he asked teasingly, pulling down your pants as much as he could without removing his hands, watching as you struggled to kick them off.
"I bet you missed me", he laughed as he curled his fingers inside of you, your body squirming underneath him.
it was true. you had missed him a lot, and it became even more apparent now. not only you had missed him, but also your body. his touch was something you had craved more and more recently, especially while knowing that nothing could ever replace the feeling of him.
no matter how deep you pushed your own fingers inside of you, no matter how long you fingered yourself and sobbed his name into your pillow as you tried to get yourself to come, it was never as good as go-myung could make you feel. your nights had been filled by memories of him, the way his cock filled you up as he thrust inside of you, or the look on his face whenever he leaned back and watched you ride him and fuck yourself stupid on his cock. the thought of it always managed to make you wet, but actually having him on top of you made your body react even stronger.
you couldn't even reply to his words, too focused on what his fingers felt like as he added in another, making you squirm before abruptly pulling out.
an embarrassing whine left your lips at the lack of fingers inside of you, making you look at him in confusion.
go-myung just grinned as he pulled down your panties too, throwing them somewhere off the bed.
he gently spread your legs apart, rubbing over the soft skin of your calves as he admired the sight in front of him.
you were so wet for him, his fingers covered in your juices that he slowly licked off from them, making sure that you watched his every move.
he couldn't deny how good it made him feel to see you like this— face flushed and lips slightly parted, all needy and desperate for him to keep going.
go-myung absentmindedly licked his lips, his eyes roaming your body as he remembered an idea that had popped into his head a while ago.
"hmm... why don't you sit on my face?", he asked, leaning forward to trail a few kisses up your neck, eventually reaching your mouth and pressing another one against it.
you whined at the question, his body stopping you from closing your legs again and rubbing your thighs together for more friction, your lower body entirely exposed underneath him.
it wasn't like you had never thought about this before, but you had always worried too much for your lust and desperation to get the better of you. it had simply never overshadow the logical part of your brain, but you felt like tonight might be different.
"are you sure about it?", you asked, head leaned to the side as go-myung started nibbling on your neck, teeth dragging over your skin before they sank into the flesh, a gasp escaping your swollen lips.
"I don't want you to get hurt—", you added, embarrassed at the thought of it.
"I'm sure, baby... please", he begged. his words were dripping with a mix of lust and need, a sound you had gotten glimpses of throughout your relationship, but not something he had ever shown as much as right now.
go-myung, while not always being as composed as he would like to be, was a man who knew how to restrain himself when he felt like it was needed. whether it regarded his job or wanting to try out something new didn't matter. he didn't want to be too overwhelming— didn't want to scare you away by just how often he truly needed you, by all the thoughts and ideas of how he wanted to take you and make you feel good.
it was especially difficult to not let his mind wander when he was away from you, leaving him all alone at night with nothing but his own hands and his imagination. it led to a lot of ideas and things he wanted to try, but sometimes it simply felt like too much.
it always made him feel guilty when he had to get off to the picture of you that he had taken with him— the one he had in his wallet where you smiled so brightly, so innocently compared to the way he felt whenever he looked at it late at night.
but that look on your face just made it worse. the thought of ruining you, watching you fall apart as he was on top of you, no longer looking as innocent as you did on that picture.
there were so many scenarios he had shamelessly made up in his head that he couldn't even keep track of them anymore.
"I need you, please... on my face— I can take it", he tried again after seeing the skeptical look on your face, slowly unbuttoning your shirt and sucking on your collarbone. he needed you close, he needed something to distract him from all the thoughts about his work, all the disappointment he felt consuming his brain, his body and everything in his life.
he pushed your bra off your tits, groaning at the sight of your bare chest in front of him. go-myung didn't even bother fully taking it off yet, diving straight in as he put one of your hardened nipples between his lips, eagerly sucking on them as the other was being taken care of by his fingers, twisting and pinching the flesh as you moaned in pleasure.
you arched into him, legs wrapping around his lower body in an attempt to get closer, gasping as you felt his erection pressed against you between your legs.
you tried grinding up against it, a wet spot now visible on go-myung's pants from how much you were dripping for him. he pressed further into you, giving you an idea of what you would be getting later.
with a pop, his lips drew away from your chest, looking up at you through his half lidded eyes, head already hazy at the feeling of you so close against him.
it was so stupidly hot, knowing that you made him look that way by doing nothing other than letting him touch and kiss you, getting him all desperate with nothing other than simply complying with what he wanted to take from you right now.
"will you do it?", he asked again, a hopeful look on his face before he quickly added, "you don't have to, it's okay"
well, it would be disappointing, but as much as he wanted it, it had to be enjoyable for both of you.
"yeah", you nodded breathlessly, a small smile on his face at how his eyes lit up at the words, before go-myung carefully rolled you on top of him, stripping you from the last bit of your clothes.
you suddenly became painfully aware of how you were entirely naked, sitting on top of your boyfriend who was still fully dressed.
go-myung seemed to notice this as he scrambled to take off his shirt, unbuttoning his pants as he motioned for you to help him take them off.
you kept his boxers on, noting just how big he already was underneath them. it was something you were fully aware of by now, but it was still always a pleasant surprise whenever he buried himself inside of you.
your hand was on his chest as you leaned in for a gentle kiss, his hands instantly on your hips as you braced yourself for what was soon to come. you just needed a few more seconds to get rid of the thought of potentially suffocating the love of your life.
pulling away from him, go-myung looked up at you in a way that was so fond, you were sure to burst into tears if he did it any longer.
it was a look he usually reserved for when you weren't looking at him— something he felt strongly but was too embarrassed to openly share. right now just felt... right.
"I love you", he said with a grin, "you know that, right?"
"I love you too", you nodded and gave him another kiss, although go-myung seemed to be eager to end the moment right there.
"I'd even forgive you if I died from this", he laughed, and you knew he was joking, but it did not put you at ease right now.
you swatted at his chest, mumbling a small 'idiot', before taking a deep breath, still looking at him. you pulled him into one last kiss, just in case he really planned on wanting to die between your thighs.
you moved your body until you were above his face, kneeling at the sides of his head, hands on the headboard of your shared bed.
closing your eyes, you lowered yourself on top of him, not low enough to actually sit, but enough for him to get at least some of what he wanted.
go-myung put his hands on your hips in order to steady you, humming in satisfaction at the sight right above his head.
you bit your lips as you waited for him to do something, a few seconds passing before you finally felt it.
go-myung licked a slow stripe right over your pussy, making you gasp as he tried to collect some of the slick that had already dripped down your legs earlier, careful to not do more yet than just teasing.
"hmm... you taste so good", he hummed, the grip on your body tightening, fingers digging into your skin as he seemed to think carefully of what to do next.
he licked again, this time firmer than before, drawing a moan from your lips that seemed to immensely satisfy him, judging from the hum it got you in return.
he kept going that way, doing nothing more than licking, slow and teasing, sometimes so lightly you did want to just fully sit on his face and scold him to finally take what he wanted instead of playing with you.
it was exactly what he wanted you to do and you knew that. you knew, and you also knew how easy it was to just give in.
your legs were shaking at this point, struggling to hold you for much longer.
another lick over your dripping cunt made you lose your balance, and go-myung was quick to use the opportunity to pinch your side, snorting as your legs finally gave in, making you fully sit on his face now.
you groaned as his mouth was pressed against you, the protest not even leaving your lips as he was already sucking and licking into you, not wasting any time as he used his hands to keep you down on his face.
there was no way you could get away now, and he made sure of that.
his eyes were closed as he plunged his tongue deep into of you, eyebrows furrowed in concentration and the lower half of his face already covered by your juices.
you couldn't help yourself from how your hips rocked back and forth on top of him, whining and moaning every time he went particularly deep, licking as if his life depended on whether he could make you come or not.
and he felt like it did depend on that. there was no thought inside of his head other than how he wanted you to come on his face, to give him everything you had to offer right on top of him where he could swallow all of it, could taste you as much as he wanted.
he had already been hard earlier from the slightest bit of grinding— the consequences of not getting to see you every day and turning into a needy mess every time he was with you— and he swore he could come untouched if you kept making those sounds.
your eyes rolled back as you kept grinding, your prior worry having been replaced by nothing but pure bliss and lust, thighs pressing against his head as you rolled your hips in an unsteady rhythm, too dizzy to keep up a constant pace.
go-myung was enjoying this just as much as you were, removing one of his hands from your thighs as he moved it to rub against your clit, thriving in the whine you responded with.
he kept rubbing and simultaneously eating you out, groaning into your pussy as he licked and sucked, bathing in the sound of your moans.
if he could and if you two wouldn't get tired at some point, he'd do this all night. he'd fuck you into next week if he could— there was so much he wanted to do.
he'd never get enough of touching you, of watching you bounce on his cock as you swallowed him whole, or the way your body moved underneath his as he fucked into you. it was addictive. you were addictive.
he could almost forget about the mess that was his life right now when you were on top of him. could almost forget that he had risked his everything for nothing just two weeks ago.
go-myung was so grateful to have you close to him again, to finally be distracted by you and the love you had for him and the way he felt when he saw you, when he touched you.
you kept grinding, legs shaking as go-myung groaned into you, trying to pull you even closer as your thighs squeezed around his head, letting him relentlessly lick and suck your throbbing heat.
the more he kept going, the closer you could feel yourself get to your orgasm, both of you aware that it wouldn't take much longer.
you didn't know how your boyfriend managed to do this without taking a break, feeling your own body grow more tired, but too eager for your release to stop.
you whimpered at go-myung's nails digging into your thighs, biting your lip even if it was already way too late for you to make an attempt at keeping quiet.
your neighbours were probably already aware that you were currently having the time off your life as your boyfriend's tongue was inside of you, but you couldn't bring yourself to feel sorry when go-myung ate you out like this.
"hmm... so close", you whined, using your remaining strength to fasten your pace one last time, dragging your cunt across go-myung's mouth as your orgasm hit you, cum spreading all over his face as he used his tongue to fuck you through your high.
your head was thrown back as you lazily rocked a few more times, panting as you slowed your movements.
go-myung helped you off him as you both took the time to catch your breath, but he was already on top of you a second later, licking his lips and wiping his face as he sucked on his fingers to make sure he swallowed all of your cum.
"do you think you can keep going?", he asked, feeling his cock strain around his boxers at the sight of your body sprawled out underneath him.
you nodded with a smile, pulling him into a kiss.
"yes, please", you said between a few tired kisses, tugging on his boxers as he quickly pulled them off, his hand already on your thigh again as he pushed one of your legs up to get better access at your now swollen pussy.
you were exhausted, but not enough to pass this offer.
a groan left your lips as the tip of his cock brushed against your folds, eyes closing as go-myung pushed inside of you, walls clenching around him as you swallowed him whole.
he watched the way your pussy took all of him with almost no restraint, his cock already slick from how much you were dripping onto him.
you took him so well every time he pushed inside of you, pussy spread wide open just for him and no one else. it was so, so addictive, knowing that no other got to see you like this, that no one else knew how beautiful you looked when you were all fucked out and messy, all desperate for him.
go-myung didn't move yet, just enjoying the feeling of being inside of you, head nuzzled against your neck.
you moaned once he started to move his hips, slowly at first so you could get used to the feeling, before he fastened his pace.
there was a wet sound every time he pulled out, just to slam into you again, your back arching and eyes rolling back at how relentless he was being. his cock was hitting the deepest parts of you as you clinged onto the bedsheets, crying out in pleasure at a particularly delicious thrust.
you moved your hands to his back as your nails digged into his flesh, drawing long stretch marks all over his skin.
go-myung groaned at the feeling, his cock twitching inside of you as you moaned out his name.
"you're doing so well...", he whispered between moans, sweat running down his face, "god, you feel so good"
he tried spreading your legs even further, hands eventually traveling down to the flesh of your ass, lightly slapping before he began massaging your skin.
you melted into the touch, the air around you heavy with desire as you felt yourself getting close again.
"go-myung..", you groaned, trembling as he kept pounding into you, "want you to come inside.. please"
go-myung groaned at the words and pulled you into one last messy kiss, whispering against your lips as he finally came inside of you with deep thrusts, filling you up as he fucked you through your second orgasm of the night once you also came. he grinned into the kiss as you cried out his name, back arching into him.
he came to a halt after a few more lazy thrusts, not bothering to pull out yet as he kissed your cheek, his body collapsing on top of yours. he didn't want to waste a single drop, wanted you to take all of it the way he had taken everything you had given him.
you two stayed still for a few minutes, your hand stroking through strands of his hair as go-myung wrapped his arms around you, your still naked bodies pressed against each other, legs entangled as you simply enjoyed each other's presence.
go-myung helped you once the two of you got up, getting some of your clothes and leading you to the bathroom, where the two of you got into the bathtub once enough water was in it.
he held you as the two of you relaxed, eyes closed as he simply enjoyed the feeling of your weight against him and the sound of your breathing.
maybe his life wouldn't be so bad even without all the glory, if it meant getting to spend it with you.
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I need this man so badly it's not even funny anymore like fuuuuck hong kyung is like the first person in my almost 18 year of living that I genuinely find attractive like damn. I #needthat SO badly.
pairing: han su-gang x fem!reader x lee moon-gi. synopsis: after a crazy night out end up realizing who the two guys you spend the night with actually were, leading to a way with no escaping.
contents: language, sexual tension, small degradation, cheating implied (from moon-gi’s side), slight aggression, threesome implied. all characters in this story are 18+
writer’s note: this my first time writing something like this so it might be a bit bad and corny lol, also i’m soon starting to write squid game character fics so if you have any requests please send them!
it was complicated to say the least, you didn’t know how or when you ended up stuck in the middle of a horrific situation between the two most feared boys at your school.
han su-gang and lee moon-gi, two of the names that when you hear, you better expect the worse associated with them.
and now, you had slept with the two of them without even knowing if they remembered you.
but the realization hit you hard during class, after that crazy night you had in hongdae, with two unknown faces that came clear once they entered the classroom.
“no, no, no..” you said under your breath, trying to sink down on your seat as they both walk to the back of the classroom, what was worse?, moon-gi’s ‘girlfriend’ following behind him as he gave you a playfully smirk, or seeing a tall figure walk next to you from the corner of your eye as you tried to write down notes that made no sense.
what the actual fuck?.
you only took a deep breath, allowing yourself to try and get some air into your lungs that was cut off once again when you felt somebody sitting right behind you.
“so it was really you hm?,” said a low and gruff voice in a whisper close to your ear, his hand going up between your hair pulling your head back with slight force, “i knew i had seen that pretty face before”
you swallowed, damn, your throat felt as dry as a desert. you tried to move your head away from his grip. “i—su-gang i didn’t—i was drunk and so were you and moon-gi—” you replied between stutters and shaky hands around the fidgeting pencil playing in your fingers.
“oh?, now you’re giving excuses for your whory behavior? hm?,” his hand pulled back from your hair, making you whine as the stinging sensation that it caused to your scalp, “but i can’t lie and say i didn’t quite find it enjoyable, i might be liar but never when it come to my pleasure, so why don’t you just face it?.”
his words made your body go numb, no, his psychotic low laugh made you feel that way when he pushed your head forward, slipping his fingers off your hair, leaning back on the seat staring at your back with smirk.
he had you perfectly wrapped around his finger.
after class, you were getting your usual lunch. trying to act normal around your friends even if your head was hurting from overthinking of all the possibilities of one of them having something that can prove you spend the night with them and ruin your perfect student image.
you were the class president, your parents big donators to the school and of course, you were a role model, or just called one by the teachers and principal.
everyone knew you weren’t no role model in a school that was basically under the influence of han su-gang and his gang.
your leg bounced nervously, mouth slightly filled with un-chewed food that accumulated in your current round cheeks. you couldn’t take your eyes away from the table far from you where su-gang an moon-gi were, acting so casual and being their usual jerks, one poor guy forcefully sitting next to them. he had to option, he was their monthly toy.
and that’s when moon-gi turned his head in your direction, making straight eye contact with you while his arm was lazing around his girlfriend’s shoulders, yet the way he stared at you was incredibly shameless.
you blinked away, swallowing your food.
“sorry, i have to use the restroom” you said standing up, pulling your chair back and quickly making your way towards the bathrooms.
moon-gi followed your quick strides as you rushed towards the hallway, his head turning to su-gang who just had also been observing you, but not just you, moon-gi too.
they gave each other a brief look, su-gang nodding his head to him once, saying everything he needed to know to stand up and follow you right away, no explanations were spoken on his departure from the table.
you entered the girls restrooms, quickly pulling your sleeves up and opening the faucet handle, cupping your hands together and letting the water fill them before you slightly bend down over the sink, letting the cold water wash over your face.
you heard the door open, but you thought it was just another girl. you were completely wrong.
“running away from a staring contest?, so lame,” he chuckled, closing the handle as he stood behind you.
you froze in place, slowly coming up straight and opening your eyes, meeting his face through the reflection of the mirror.
it felt like in those horror movies in which the protagonist is being chased by the killer and is about to get her throat sliced up in an empty bathroom, just that in this own scenario, you only felt pure adrenaline.
“come on, you look at me like i’m about to drown you or slam your head against the sink” he puffed, getting closer to you until his own chest is fully pressed against your back, and his hand is resting at the edge of the counter, almost touching yours.
you breathe in hard, maintaining the air trapped in your lungs and your hands moving away from his own. “coming from you, i wouldn’t remove it away from my options” you said quietly, narrowing your eyes at him through the reflection.
one of his hands went up, his fingers held a vape in between them, taking a drag and blowing the flavored smoke blow in your hair and face, eyes filled with no good intentions, and what was worse he was teasing you by staying quiet.
“tch, tch, already having fun without me?,” said a second male voice entering the place, a click behind him when his fingers twisted the lock of the door.
moon-gi turned his head from su-gang to you, adoring your now paranoid face, he definitely could hear your heavy heartbeat, and the way your breath came out ragged.
“what is it that you two want from me now?, if we act like it didn’t happen—” your voice cut off with a heavy sigh when you felt moon-gi’s hand go up to you waist, his grip mercilessly gripping through the layers of your uniform.
one thing was for sure though, you didn’t feel the need to pull away, maybe that was the main reason you ended up stuck in between the two of them.
“like it didn’t happen?, baby, you got mine and his marks all over that hot body of yours,” said su-gang cockily, like it was the most precious compliment he could tell a woman. “and i definitely cannot act like these are not here either”
your eyes widen at the sight of the purple and red marks all over his lower neck and close to his collarbones when he pulled down from the collar of his shirt.
“a naughty girl trying to act like a good girl?,” moon-gi added with with mischief filling his words, letting go of you allowing you to breathe in peace for a second.
your eyes still were on su-gang’s neck even if he had fixed his collar already, you just couldn’t shake away the new memory from the previous night.
“i still can’t believe you want to act so innocent even after last night, like you can just have sex with me and then expect nothing the next day,” su-gang started to approach you, carefully taking in your now more relaxed expression.
“it was a mistake, i was drunk and i wasn’t thinking about what i was doing, and either way, it was a random party, how was i supposed to know tha—”
“blah, blah, blah, just shut up, it’s useless, your words are useless, and you sound so irritating, just accept it.” said moon-gi behind you, once again pulling you back towards him.
you couldn’t lie, it was useless, they weren’t going to listen to your now excuses.
it was also useless when all you can remember combined equaled to the best sexual experience you probably had. and it’s not like you had many, but out of all of them, this one was definitely the best.
in no time you just could only accept your own downfall, your pride crumbling at your feet when you turned around and kissed moon-gi, no second thoughts.
maybe it was a risky move, adding more fuel to the fire when it was already burning hot.
su-gang just stood behind the two, tongue running over the inside of his lower lip. his eyes darkening at the sight, “was that so hard?”
you only broke the kiss and tuned back to him, staring at him deeply, quietly, only allowing your breath to be heard.
without wasting a second, his lips were deliciously devouring yours without hesitation. moon-gi behind you wasn’t going to be left out either, he was the one nibbling at your neck while running his hands up your hips.
it was like some sort of twisted wet dream, one you didn’t wish for initially but now couldn’t deny.
you came back to the table with your friends, hair slightly messy even if you tried to fix it before getting out; but how could it look decent when the curls you had in the morning were suddenly gone magically.
the two boys also looked slightly out of place, moon-gi’s tie completely loose and su-gang?, he was the most suspicious looking one.
“damn, did you two make out in the bathroom of something?” said one of the guys in the group, who instantly received a smack at the back of his neck from su-gang and a glare from moon-gi.
head empty, no thoughts. only cha woomin. cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin cha woomin
pairing: han su-gang x fem!reader synopsis: realization hits him hard when the person he least expect to be insane turned out to be crazier than him.
contents: language, smoking, mentions of murder, twisted dynamics (from both sides), su-gang canon aggression. rushed writing and spelling mistakes probably! let me know if i missed anything. writer’s note: i had this idea for a while for seong-je, but he’s not as unhinged as su-gang to have a love quinn type of “girlfriend” who can out do him in crazy.
the rumors about a classmate being killed were spreading across the hallways and classrooms of moo-young high like hot lava.
some believed the girl had caused her own death, others said she was violently murder as a way to asure her silence,
either way, all of the rumors and versions of it had one name in common; han su-gang.
the devil’s son reincarnated in a hot senior student, the one who ruled the entire school including the faculty like puppets. pulling everyone’s strings and making them do whatever he wanted.
he enjoyed the fear everyone felt when he entered any room, walked by or simply looked at someone for more than five seconds.
“well, it’s no secret she used to have something with him—i bet she knew a little too much and probably killed her to silence her” said one of the girls in-front of you, fixing her hair with her compact mirror lifted to her face.
“you think he would ever cross that line?, i mean we all know he’s tremendously evil but…killing somebody?” her friend responded, her words coming out with a soft voice checking her surroundings every time she spoke.
“it’s han su-gang, we don’t know what his max points are”
your eyes lifted from your book, not that it was that interesting but a grade mattered to you.
when you stood up, the girls quickly gasped, forgetting completely that you were there behind them listening to their conversation.
“shit” said the girl lowering her mirror to her lap and with mouth slightly open looked at her friends whose faces were now covered with fear. “do you think she heard us?”
you most definitely did.
su-gang and you were something as well, no one knew what exactly, they only knew there was that little quiet shadow next to him.
“where the fuck where you?, i waited for you outside your house this morning” he said with a frustrated low tone as he walked next to you in the hallway.
you didn’t answer. no right away at least.
his fingers forcefully wrapped around your upper arm, stinging your skin in an instant making you stop your way as he pulled you to the side, letting others pass. “i asked you something” his tone was filled with danger at this point.
“because i asked to be dropped off earlier today, i have club meetings early in the mornings every tuesday” your response was delivered with such calmness, as if his grip wasn’t tightening every word you spoke.
“and i don’t give a fuck, you’re supposed to tell me—not make me waste my precious time with you” his grip loosed, pushing you away with force.
you stumbled back a bit but not a single sound came out of you. no whine or sound of pain. just silence.
that’s when he turned completely to face you, taking to steps forward, head cocking to the side, danger simmering in that quiet tilt. meant to intimidate you, rattle you like his own little prey.
yet from your side there was not a single sign of fear or intimidation. as if you weren’t faced by his menace coiling when he approached you in that slow manner.
both his hands rose up to cup your cheeks, almost in a tender manner, almost making such a cute act dirty by the way his eyes devoured yours with that nasty look and laugh.
“you shouldn’t act so smart with me, i can destroy you at any second” he whisper, his minty breath ghosting against your skin. “we don’t want anything to mark this pretty face, that would be a shame” a smirk forming across his face when he finished that sentence.
it always amazed you how the most cruel and disgusting threat was mixed with such a tender tone when he spoke to you. he believed he had you eating from his hand in fear by the way you never fought or argued back to him. your silence for him was like a trophy.
“i’ll wait for you after school, don’t ditch me, i won’t be happy pretty girl..” he said, words coated with a layer of intimacy, watching you nod your head. that’s when he leaned to kiss your lips not even expecting you to return it. his lips warm against yours before he bit your lower lip, pulling away and letting go.
before his hands dropped, one lingering while he looked at you dead in the eyes, while his left hand just tapped your cheek twice, close enough to be a gentle act, sharp enough to be a warning.
“people believe i killed that bitch from last week” he said, taking a drag from his vape, blowing out the air seconds later.
he spoke as if it wasn’t talking about a life, about a girl he probably made her last few hours miserable.
“truth is—i didn’t even see her the night she was murder” he continued, scoffing.
you lifted your head a bit, looking around his place, the one he liked to hang out with the rest of his gang, where the poor kids he tortured almost every other day would only have a memory of the cold concrete under them.
“no?” you said softly, sipping from your can of soda quietly, watching him pace around. something clearly jumping up and down his mind.
“no. last time i saw her was..” that’s when he stopped, his finger covering the end of the vape, lifting his head and then nodding his head quietly when he turned to face you.
his jaw instantly clenched, features tightening and his hand dropping inside his jacket’s pocket.
you cocked your head to the side, innocent eyes that made him almost completely unsure of what was going on.
“weren’t you the last one who saw her?” his steps now moving towards you, one foot in-front of the other, studying you as his strides grew more defined.
you only lifted your head bit, hands cold from the metal you were holding.
he had his suspicions that someone was blaming him for the murder of that girl, but he hadn’t thought about it with precision.
who could possibly want to see her dead?, why?
he had a little fling with her while also having one with you, but eventually like always, he got bored if he didn’t get what he wanted all the time.
on top of that, after he dumped her, he decided to humiliate her for the mare fun of it. she had her reasons to try and gaslight him by exposing evidence that incriminated him for other bullying cases around the school.
in between those evidences there was a specific video, you clearly being part of it.
“are you assuming something?” you said in a straight sentence, tone coming out cold, just like your hands.
“i’m just putting two and two together” he stopped centimeters away from you, his own face scanning yours for any signs that gave away what he applied. “but, if i’m right…what reasons do you have to blame it on me?, hm?, are you trying to finally blow my cover?, you want to be a little smarty girl and be on top of me?” he questioned, multiple times, his dark eyes staring down at you.
you only stared back at him with a neutral expression before looking to your side and shrugging, a little silent smirk creeping up the corners of your mouth.
he then just chuckled, cracking up in the end at your face and then turning around shaking his head. “i’m just playing you” he shook his head not even two steps away, he stopped.
“and what if i actually did?” there was no playfulness coming out your mouth.
he swallowed at that, why did he felt a sudden wave of chills running down his spine at your creepy tome behind him?.
where you for real?, he was only playing.
“maybe i did kill her like you say. after all i was the last one who saw her” you pouted, shrugging the same way he did, living the can to the side and then taking steps forwards wanting to face him.
there was no kidding behind your words and he felt it, he’s the same way when reveling what he’s guilty for, and the fact the he felt the clear lack of remorse. a nature he himself was the mastermind of.
“she knew too much about you,” you paused, a quiet breathy scoff escaping your throat. “about us and also if i didn’t get her away, you would’ve probably continued to give your attention to her, taking you away from us”.
your expression quickly dropping to almost something sorrowful, like you genuinely believed what you were saying.
“i needed to also free her from what was coming for her either way, or else she would’ve gone mad and insane.” you said with almost a little soft and sweet voice that made su-gang, scoff.
“you killed somebody, just because either way she was going to do it?” he said almost immediately showing a frown.
it was crazy how the recognition of your crazy and sick mentality hit him like a jolt of cold freezing water.
“you’re fucking insane”
what an irony.
“am i?, or are we just meant to be?” you took another step closer, this time your hands being the one to cup his face, your eyes filled with plead, like wanting him to reward you. “i made you a favor, and this could be like this all the time” you said with excitement.
for a moment the only thing he could do was stare at your face, not knowing if he should be scared or put you in your place.
a man like him thinking you were unhinged? he almost laughed.
but the difference was clear; he would do crazy things to other, pushing their limits until they decided to either disappear or decide their fate for themselves. when you on the other hand, were not afraid to go beyond that.
“we are soulmates, su-gang..” you said with full teary eyes, bringing his face close to yours, eyes sharpening and a slow creeping smirk stretched across your face.
he wasn’t sure what to feel, if to take you as a crazy bitch or to realize, you two might probably be meant to be.
but this time, he had to recognize, he probably had to hold your leash tighter, or else…who knows what could happen.
thank you for reading! feedback is appreciated. xoxo
