Literally Just My Emo And Sometimes Happy Thoughts

Because too many people I know followed my other blog

[leerecovering]

Does it mean something that I never stopped looking forward to you being there? Does it mean something that I never let you go? Does it mean something that I am so ungodly comfortable in your presence? Does it mean something that I have had to exercise an insane amount of self control?

I don’t want to string you along. I could so easily just let you wisk me away, let your attention and desire for me fill the cracks in my chest. Settle back into comfortability. But what happens when better comes along, or not wanting to make you change catches up to me and I want to move on. I could be inconsiderate and selfish and let my boundaries sink to the floor. I can’t let that happen. You are too good… but somehow not good enough

[leerecovering]

“Sex is never special” was said in passing conversation and so nonchalantly. But it struck me hard. All I’ve ever wanted was for it to be special and no one has ever made me feel that way. I let myself be a vessel of pleasure to these boys- and for what? The only satisfaction I got out of it was knowing they wanted something I could give them. How embarrassing.

I don’t think anyone will ever get it. Sex feels so pressured... like such a performance and all of the attention is on you. All I can think the whole time is that I’m doing something wrong or not good enough or how I wish it could be over. Even when it was my idea.

I feel so overwhelmed. This first time with this new guy was anything but special. I ask and I listen and I try to improve bc I want the same. But I told and I asked and I mentioned what I wanted and it was ignored. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that. I finally had the courage to say what I wanted and it was shrugged off. All I want in “return” (I hate thinking of sex as an exchange) is for you to lay with me... trace my back... or just sit in the dark listening to the music and taking it all in. But you turned on Adult swim (one of the most annoying fucking shows) and turned over and started scrolling through your phone. You had gotten what you wanted and that’s all you cared about.

It was triggering, I had been so communicative to you about my past and why I was taking it slow sexually and you did the same thing the rest did. And you told me I smelled like ducking pepperoni... WHAT. God fuck I should just end it now. I think I’ll let this one fade and maybe you’ll end it before I have to. I’m so embarrassed and overwhelmed and somehow more self conscious than when I started.

[leerecovering]

Everytime I’ve ever said no. Everytime I said not tonight. It’s always ended in me silently crying in the shower or under the covers as they sleep peacefully. Becuase instead of hearing no, they just heard that they needed to be more pushy.

I used to think it was my fault... that I couldn’t be upset because I’m the one that gave in. I’m the one that wasn’t strong enough to say no, I gave in to get it over with. So they would stop pushing me and touching me.

No doesn’t mean keep asking. No doesn’t mean you need to try and get me in the mood. No doesn’t mean to push me until I finally say yes. No means fucking no. Not tonight means no. Maybe later means fucking no.

I didn’t owe you shit. Yet you manipulated me into feeling bad, into giving in, into giving up just to make you fucking stop. You fucking bastards.

It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault.

[trying-to-turn-around]

It’s you. It’s always been you. No matter how hard she tried to push the feelings away when you broke her heart or how much it hurts to see the two of you holding hands and saying I love you the feelings wouldn’t stop. They drive her insane because she knows you’ll never leave them for you. It’s always been the other way around so she’ll just sit and cry a little now and then and try and move on and distract herself. And when she gets that wedding invitation years down the line she’ll cry a lot more but still only show you smiles and happiness because that’s all you deserve.

[leerecovering]

I had a dream last night and realized this had become so much more real then I ever wanted it to

[leerecovering]

Fuck you. Fuck you and your bullshit. Fuck you and your “I love yous”. Fuck you and your hahas fuck you fuck you fuck you. You never fucking listened and you still don’t. You never had to fucking try and you still don’t. So fuck You. FUCK YOU.

K

I’m done.

[leerecovering]

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

[leerecovering]

I wish you would ask how I’m doing... I wish you would ask how my anxiety is. I wish you would take the time to think of me and call. I wish I didn’t want you to change. I wish you were better.

[gloowworm]

Pillow thoughts.. haha

Being told or reminded that you’re TOO sensitive kinda sucks. Because A) you know you’re sensitive and that statement makes you sad which then inevitably proves to yourself that you’re too sensitive. No one likes to hear that they’re “too” much of anything because it just reminds them or adds to the list of things they shouldn’t/don’t like about themselves… but B) when you’re told you’re too sensitive or feel as though you’re being too sensitive or KNOW you’re too sensitive it completely invalidates your feelings, present and past. Being a logical person (most of the time) I understand my reactions or my feelings to events, words, or things seem extreme to others- what’s no big deal to one is a big deal to me. But they’re my feelings they’re my emotions and I’m sick of apologizing for being too sensitive which leads me to C) because I’ve been labeled by myself and others as TOO sensitive I end up invalidating my own feelings and when someone has hurt me, screwed me over, walked over ME, I am the one who apologizes to them. I apologize to them that they hurt my feelings. I apolgize to them for yelling at me when I did nothing wrong, I APOLOGIZE TO THEM FOR INVALIDATING ME. And you know what D) FUCK THAT

I refuse to apologize for having high standards. I refuse to apologize for my high expectations. I refuse to apologize for VALIDLY “miss reading” body language. I refuse to apologize for caring. I refuse to apologize for wanting more. I refuse to apologize for being drained. I refuse to apologize.

Jk i’ll probably apologize to somebody tomorrow for something I didn’t do who knows.

[leerecovering]

Today I felt the overwhelming need for a hug from my ex. The fact that i definitely won’t be getting one or seeking one and even more so the guilt from even feeing the need made me bawl.

Recently I’ve felt so in the way, a burden, too much and not enough. I’ve felt undervalued, overwhelmed, anxious, sad, confused... needy.

Not that he asked but I told him my anxiety was getting bad but he never followed up he never asked how I was feeling if he could help... if I was okay.

[vomitingwords]

But I felt

my heart

falling piece

by piece,

and I stared

at you

as I struggled

to put it back

to where

it should

have been.

No, I never lost it. //ma.c.a

[leerecovering]

I don’t know how I ever starved myself... I can’t even go two hours without eating now

[leerecovering]

I’m unhappy- static- stuck in familiarity

[leerecovering]

HA

You couldn’t pay me an amount of money that would ever make me get back with you. I will never read a post that says “I still love you” or something to the likes of that and think of you. I love myself more and it took a long time to realize that but I will never crawl back to you, I will never give in if you were to beg for me back. You lost everything you could have had because you treated me like shit. I am no puppy dog, my love runs out.. it runs thin when neglected and though it took me too long I finally realized when it was time to leave and I left. You don’t deserve me, and you will never get me back. I hope that haunts you.

[leerecovering]

It seems like everyone is having such an easy time losing weight. Why is it so fucking hard for me. I was doing so good, I go to the gym every day practically I was eating okay and then I just started eating a bunch of shit for like a weekend and I gained so much.... not so much really but when you take into account how little I had lost and how much I gained so easily it was a lot. It’s so frustrating— my self control is so little. I frustrate myself. I need to remind myself this is a process that takes TIME and involves set backs, it’s just so discouraging.

[leerecovering]

I wish more than anything I could go see me as a preteen/middle schooler and hug her and tell her she’s perfect, to listen to her mom and eat her veggies, to keep riding, to let her hair down and hold her head up. I wish more than anything I could tell her to stop obsessively looking up and making diet and excercise plans at 13 years old... plans I would tell her she won’t follow anyways. I wish more than anything I could tell her to block out the comments, try and remind her that not everything is as personal as it seems and that everyone has acne and she didn’t even have it bad. I wish more than anything I could tell her I’m so proud of her... and maybe to let the side bangs grow out- it wasn’t a good look. I wish more than anything I could make her love herself because she was amazing, kind, passionate, empathetic, beyond smart, driven, responsible, strong, beautiful, and compassionate. She still is the above.

When you are mean to yourself, when you degrade your self and put yourself down- when you look in the mirror and knit pick at all the little things you can’t stand but aren’t even that big of a deal- imagine saying all of those things to your younger self. You would never. Think of the things you wish you could tell her and tell them to yourself in the present. Don’t be so hard to yourself, don’t be mean to yourself.

[leerecovering]

I struggled for along time with my body and food- around 5 years and it started at a young age. Once I finally told someone who then forced me to tell my mom... probably the best thing that could have happened to me... I went to therapy. I worked through my shit, probably cut my sessions too short but never the less I am forever grateful for therapy. This being said after I become comfortable with the fact that I had a modpodge of eating disorders if you will and why not throw in body dismorpha and a tinge of OCD, I didn’t want to shut up about it. I mean I didn’t tell everyone but when I got the chance to speak up about it I found myself craving to just tell someone- everyone what I went through because I struggled for so long in silence and I was proud of where I came from and I was sick of shutting up about it. Idk it always strikes me how much I seem to want to share and how much I hold back so I’m not “that girl” you know?