Humble and strong people don’t have the same trouble with these troubles that egotists do. There’re fewer complaints and far less self-immolation. Instead there’s stoic—even cheerful— resilience. Pity isn’t necessary. Their identity isn’t threatened. They can get by without constant validation.
This is what we’re aspiring to— much more than mere success. What matters is hat we can respond to what life throws at us.
And how we make it through.”
—Ego is the Enemy (Ryan Holiday)
Okay, so i just this paragraph in the book I’m reading and i think it kind of explains my paralysed state that has lasted for more than 3 years now, it’s because my sense that of self is so completely and utterly dependent on either validation and success/accomplishments and as a former-gifted-now-burnt-out-kid, (which is the entire foundation of why and what’s wrong with me).
We see that normally students don’t get the extra amount of praise and adult-validation that is received by the children that do well in school so, naturally they develop:
skills (other than school).
An identity or sense of self that isn’t dependent on constant extra validation so they can function well without it.
Social intelligence and relations that are a skill important enough to be mentioned (deemed as too insignificant by these students which mostly a lifelong incapability to form healthy relationships and/or respond to them).
With me however since the whole identity is/was ‘does well at school’ the moment i got into higher grades that actually required serious hard-work, practice and concentration none of which I possessed, and my grades dropped so did my self-esteem and confidence resulting in insecurities and shock lasting till date, and so i have been, emotionally, unable to move forward, and it is finally catching up to me, insufficient work and last-minute efforts aren’t working anymore.
I don’t/can’t do my best because then i will have tried my best and the results will be my actual true grades which will, subconsciously, determine my worth in my eyes and everyone else’s (as it has), and since i have skipped learning any other skill it wouldn’t be very wrong, (and another reason why I can’t progress is because I’m a lazy bum).
Khair this explains the insecurities, self-pity, apathy, lack of empathy, and general uselessness that sadly, i possess, and like we say about Snape, his crush on lily ‘explains’ but doesn’t ‘excuse’ his behaviour.
Therefore, i will have to fix myself and acquire three things I’ve lost in this process:
Basic skills
An identity and sense of self that isn’t completely linked to accomplishments
SYMPATHY AND HUMAN EMOTION
And of-course work, work and work because the only way out is through and i can, hopefully, handle whatever opportunity I’m given by Allah to higher my ranks aka adversities.
And that is all for today folks, now I’ll just go back to staring at screen for 6 hours.
Sisters, as you know, also have a unique relationship. This is the person who has known you your entire life, who should love you and stand by you no matter what, and yet it's your sister who knows exactly where to drive the knife to hurt you the most.
(fleabag (2016) // they'll never catch us, jessica goodman // grey's anatomy (2005) // house of hollow, krystal sutherland // little women (2019) // to all the boys i've loved before, jenny han // sisters, holly warburton // lisa see)
cw: nada. this is all feels. good, bad, great—we got it all.
summary: kaz and inej have it out and, finally, roll the dice.
part one / part two / part three
~
kaz
kaz can feel his pulse, a low thrum beneath his skin, and the pain of his injuries flavours every breath he takes but inej is standing before him, waiting.
he barely notices wylan pull jesper and the dog away, his entire focus squared on inej. it looks like she didn’t sleep, like she was reliving the things he said to her over and over and over again. scanning her face, he snatches at the details of her. inej has always been an open book, not a liar like him or an actress like nina. the fear and exhaustion and disappointment she feels are etched in the lines around her eyes, the tilt of her lips.
hers is the face of his dreams, his deep most desires. that’s what he came to tell her but the words sit at the back of his throat, choking him.
what is he afraid of, really?
“what’re you afraid of?” as if they’re plain to her, inej speaks his thoughts.
at some point he moved closer to her and now, he finds himself looking down at her, speechless and afraid.
a slender hand reaches for him, stopping short of resting over his heart. taking a deep breath he takes one more step, one more step and that hand finds him. kaz watches her eyes widen and flutter as he covers her hand with his own—gloveless. her hand is small under his.
holding inej like this, he feels her fingers bunch in the fabric of his coat.
not taking his eyes off her, he says, “i’m afraid of hurting you. i’m afraid of loving you and losing you, of needing you. i’m afraid of you getting hurt. i’m afraid of changing, becoming new, different… weak, again. i’m afraid of losing what i built, the version of myself i built after—” the words catch and stall but she’s so close and she’s watching him like he’s something precious, like she knew all this before, like she’ll stay and listen forever. “the version of myself i became after jordie. i don’t know how else to be. kaz brekker, dirtyhands i mean, has kept me safe since i was a boy—he’s all i know. but he doesn’t know how to do this, how to be what you need, what you deserve—not really. i can pretend, inej. i’m a good enough liar but you deserve the real thing, not some trick, some con.”
afterwards, its almost as if he hadn’t said the words at all. the sounds of west stave swallow them whole. but there are tears in her eyes and kaz isn’t sure when that happened, when she started looking at him like that. when she blinks, one spills over her dark lashes and leaves a silvered trail down her cheek.
under his hand, her grip on him tightens and she moves closer still. he feels his breath catch. this is easier now than it once was. despite his bare hand over hers he no longer feels the waters lapping; he can stand her proximity without feeling sick. in fact, he can do much more than that, something he had meant to show her, had meant to impress upon her. the work he’d been doing while she was away, spending time with jesper and wylan and nina to fix this part of him.
dwarfing her hand in his, he lets his thumb trace the fine bones of her wrist, resting over the flicker of her pulse.
kaz thinks only briefly of the crowds around them, how public this all is.
“i only ever wanted you,” inej whispers. “no armour.”
“well,” he pauses, sucking in a breath. “what if some of the armour is grafted onto me? what if it’s welded into my joints and sewn into my skin?”
“what do you mean?”
“i mean there are some things i may never be able to change, some parts of me i won’t change. i mean… kaz rietveld is dead.” inej’s eyes widen as they both remember the night he’d told her about the boy who came to ketterdam and the pox that killed him. “much of his optimism died with him, and almost all of his kindness. the boy that walked away from that is angry and defensive. he’s—well, he’s a bastard.”
it’s only when her free hand rises, tracing feather-light over the corner of his mouth, that kaz realises he smiled as he said that.
then, it’s inej’s turn to take a deep breath. he can feel it in the way her cloak moves against the fabric of his coat. “i guess i didn’t really think about what it would mean for you to remove your armour, what i was asking of you.”
“inej, you had every right to ask it of me,” kaz insists, hand trembling. “it’s only that… i was—i am sure that if you knew that, truly understood that you deserve all the saints forsaken stars, you’d leave. and somehow i thought it better if you left because i told you to and not because you realised how broken and weak and pathetic i am, how much better you are than me.”
that was harder to say than he thought it would be. confessing this sad, twisted little excuse for the pain he’s put her through feels like a steel trap around his throat, a lead weight in his stomach.
“kaz, can i tell you something?” there’s a smile around her eyes now and kaz thinks he might die from the way his heart hammers at the sight. what kind of a question is that, anyway?
“anything.”
“you were right earlier, when you said, you’re a good liar. you are. one of the best, probably. that means, you’re also very good at lying to yourself.” kaz is briefly mesmerised by the way she chews on her lip in her pause. “it took me a while—years, to be honest—to recognise those nasty little thoughts that whisper in my ear about all my worst insecurities. do you know how those voices know so much about you? they are you. they’re you at your lowest, your most frightened. but you are stronger than that, you are better and kinder and more loved than they would have you believe. i know because… because i love you, kaz. and it’s kaz brekker i love. i don’t know any kaz rietveld. the man i love tore a man’s eye out for hurting me, he sent me crawling up an incinerator shaft to save a boy from those who would do him harm—and thirty million kruge, i know.”
the protest had been on his lips.
“don’t get me wrong, for the longest time i didn’t understand it. you are nothing like the person i imagined myself loving, the person i thought i’d need or want. that just shows you what i knew.”
“but—”
“no but, kaz. you don’t get to decide who i love or why. you don’t get to decide what i want. the only thing you get to decide is what to do about it. so, what are you going to do about it?”
the question leaves him stranded in a sea of indecision. it’s not that he doesn’t know what he wants to do. kaz wants to hold her, to tell her about his plans for the menagerie, for the slat and the crow club, for them. it’s that now that there’s nothing really standing in the way, he’s suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of her, of them, of all they can be.
in the end, the decision is simple. for months he’s been preparing to make his feelings clear, to roll the dice one last time, and now she’s backed him into a corner. a gamble has never been so clear, the odds stacked in his favour.
one hand on his cane, he moves the other from where it’s still holding her wrist to wrap around her lithe frame. when he pulls her against him, inej lets out a little breath and settles into his arms.
“do you want to know why i demolished the menagerie?”
“yes.”
“and why i’ve been training anika in keeping the books at the crow club?”
“yes,” she breathes.
“why i made rotty my lieutenant in the dregs?”
“kaz, just tell me.”
holding his girl, smiling is easy.
“i know you hate this city. no—don’t deny it. you may love some of the people in it but you hate ketterdam. i understand why. you were always strong, always beautiful and kind and remarkable. all ketterdam tried to do was take that from you. it did not make you, as it made me.” he loses his train of thought for a moment when she smooths a hand up his chest, tugging on the lapel of his coat. “the wraith was… the ship was my way of letting you go, of giving you a way to leave and come back. but your coming back took longer and longer each time and you stayed for less and less time. i thought that was because of me, because i couldn’t give you—”
“it was never you,” inej says in a rush of breath, fingers sliding under his collar and pressing into the skin of his neck. “never.”
swallowing, kaz nods. “i’ve achieved everything i ever wanted here. there’s not a man in the barrel who doesn’t fear even just the thought of me. kings and queens, i said. well, i am king of the barrel. there is no corner left for me to conquer, no hustle i haven’t run. i thought about burning it all down and starting again. and then i thought about you, about the places you see when you’re away from me, the people you meet and things you do. i thought…”
mid-sentence, his courage leaves him, going as quickly as it came.
inej is still watching him, smiling fully now. the expression narrows her eyes and draws fine lines around her mouth. kaz can’t help but think, she’s so beautiful.
“say it, kaz.”
“you expect too much, wraith,” he quips, giving her a squeeze to let her know he’s not angry. “i thought i might come with you, next time. hunt slavers or scrub the deck or keep your books—whatever you need. i’m yours to command, captain ghafa. if you’ll have me.”
“you would hate the ship.”
“i could learn to love it.”
inej gifts him the most delicious, crooked smile. “no, you couldn’t.”
though it sounds like a rejection, she doesn’t leave and doesn’t pull away, so he holds her tighter. “what, then, do you propose?”
she cocks her head and hums, “i’ve got some ideas.”
inej
the map that’s seen inej across the true sea several dozen times is spread beneath her palms, softened by a hundred creases.
covering the flat of kaz’s desk it seems smaller than it does on the ship. she supposes it’s a relative measure and perhaps she could do with a bigger desk. weighing the parchment down, are seven coins marking seven cities: four in novyi zem, two in ravka, and one in the wandering isles. one final coin, at the bottom edge of the map, half in the sea and half on the island of kerch, marks the town of lij—their final destination.
beside the map, their route is a list of dates and ports. a year marked in places to see, things to do, people to visit. with kaz.
sitting by his bedside, counting his wheezing breaths seems a lifetime ago. his anger and fear when he awoke, longer still. a month is, it turns out, an elastic thing.
after they left west stave, inej took kaz right back to the hospital. to no ones surprise, he’d discharged himself against the advice of his doctors. although she couldn’t convince him to stay there a little longer, she did gather the necessary supplies to patch up his wounds herself.
the first night back at the slat was rough. turns out over-exerting himself and marching half way around ketterdam with several inches of stitches coming loose in his abdomen was not a recipe for perfect health. with the help of jesper and his cane, inej got him back up to his room without too many people getting an eyeful of kaz brekker injured.
in his bathroom, vision doubling, inej cleaned and dressed his wound in silence. only their quiet breaths and the incessant drip of his faucet passing for conversation.
she did her best to keep her touches light, to avoid skin-on-skin contact. when quite out of nowhere, him perched on the edge of his bathtub and her between his knees, kaz ran a thumb over the skin of her forearm.
gently, he traced what remained of her old tattoo while she watched, breath caught in her lungs.
“what?” she asked, after what felt like a small eternity.
kaz blinked up at her, dark eyes wide, and said, “i’m sorry i didn’t get you out of there sooner.”
the need to touch him, to smooth a hand through his hair or hold onto his shoulder, was overwhelming. with him still touching her like that, almost unbearably so.
after a beat, “you didn’t have to get me out of there at all,” she pointed out.
“yes, i did.”
tentatively, she raised her hand to his cheek. it was rough against her palm, a few days stubble growing in, and inej savoured the feeling. when he leaned into her, exhaling softly against her wrist, she let her fingers dig into the skin of his neck a little, holding him tighter.
his eyes fluttered shut and inej took the moment to scan his features, taking in the details of him: jet-black lashes skimming high cheekbones, narrow nose and dark brows, faint scar cutting down the right side of his top lip.
without thinking, inej traced his bottom lip with her thumb. his eyes flew open, pupils impossibly wide.
“inej.” kaz’s rasp skated over her skin, a warm wash raising goosebumps in its wake.
they watched each other. breathing, waiting.
there was so much, so little to say.
when they began falling into each other she couldn’t say. all of a sudden, after an inconceivable eternity, inej realised he was tipping his head up to her and she was leaning down.
their lips met like the tide lapping at the shore, like a star falling to earth, like the payoff of a heist—a minor miracle. beneath her hand, inej felt kaz shudder but he did not pull away.
his mouth was soft, hesitant; the novelty of this, she knew, was almost paralysing but he did not pull away.
from her forearm, his hand moved to cup her elbow, drawing her closer and instead of pulling away, he kissed her again and again and again.
the sound of their mouths, of shaky breathes pulled in between kisses drowned out the sound of the faucet. she slid her hand from his cheek to his neck and tugged on the short hairs at the nape of his neck, pulling a low sound from the back of his throat.
seconds passed, unmarked.
when, finally, they did pull apart, inej caught her breath staring at the sight of him fresh-kissed, lips wet and parted, cheeks flushed and hair disarranged. a feeling, like some small bird, took flight in her stomach—wings beating a desperate rhythm. she was falling, careening, spiralling into him. she had been for saints-know how long. it did not frighten her.
now, weeks later, kaz is back in fighting form and they’re planning a years worth of travel. the ship’s hold is full to the brim with kvas and fresh water, salted fish, hard bread and butter, fruit and salt and sugar. many of her crew have taken other assignments, some with the dregs, others jumping on another ship, headed out of kerch. a handful, specht included, are staying. they’ll travel with them and jump off and jump on when it suits them. inej is giddy at the prospect of it.
the biggest hold up, in the end, is the dregs. making sure the gang kaz gave his childhood to is in safe hands, is a delicate business. inej does not begrudge him this time.
rather, watching their lives unspool and disentangle, inej finds herself overly emotional. this city (and the people in it) have been all things to her, at one time or another. not any more, not for much longer.
this is not a final farewell, of course. her and kaz leave too much behind but it makes her feel raw and a little hollow regardless. through all the goodbyes and well wishes, kaz is her rock, her anchor. with his scheming bent to them, their plans take shape rapidly and are set in motion not long after.
somewhere in the room behind her, inej hears the clasp on her case snap shut. not turning to look, she rolls up the map and fastens it with a dark green ribbon. the knot is tight, sure to keep the scroll from unfurling but inej would rather double check that than look up, look around to see kaz in his coat, standing in the middle of his empty rooms.
tears have been threatening all day but now they’re a blink away, gathering behind her lashes. heat pricks her eyes and her throat aches, a pain she can’t dislodge. with a huff she presses her thumb and forefinger into the corners of her eyes, sure that if she can just laugh about this it’ll stop aching.
inej hears his uneven gait first, then kaz’s arm circles her from behind. when he props his cane against the desk, his other arm joins the first to hold her. in his arms, she is helpless to stop the shuddering breath pushing its way up her throat. it comes out half a sob.
“i don’t know why i’m crying,” she says, angrily wiping away a stray tear. without answering, kaz presses what must be a kiss to the back of her head and inej grasps his forearm. “i’m okay.”
“i know.”
they stay like that for a few minutes: inej’s breathing slowing and kaz’s thumb smoothing over her ribs.
“you ready?” he asks, eventually.
inej nods and turns in his arms, trying not to think about her puffy eyes and snotty nose. “we’re really doing this?”
kaz smooths his hands across her back, settling them into the narrow of her waist, and watches her. there’s a smile in his eyes, like he’s laughing at her.
“don’t look at me like that!” inej swats at his chest and ducks her head, laughing.
“like what?” kaz asks, eyebrow arched.
shaking her head, inej pulls away from him and tucks the map under one arm.
“you’re insufferable. completely intolerable. a bastard.”
“so i’ve heard,” kaz quips
his eyes are so bright, his attention fixed on her so perfectly, inej isn’t sure she can ever look away. wrapping a hand in the collar of his coat, she kisses him—once, lightly. he comes easily, moves with the way she tugs on him and opens his mouth at her bidding, tasting the roof of her mouth, licking her bottom lip, kissing his way over her cheek and to her temple.
then, quite suddenly, he’s moving away from her. he wraps her hand in his and pulls her toward the door, smiling still.
“come, inej. show me the world.”
FIN.
~
A/N: we made it!!! thank you to everyone who's joined me on this journey. it's been quite the ride. i hope this met your expectations and the ending was at least semi-satisfying. reblogs and likes and comments are always appreciated <3
I know for a fact that Matthias is one of those people who wakes up at 5am to go run or something, and he catches Kaz in the kitchen every single time, about to go to sleep.
I feel like the "Kaz pushes Inej away bc he thinks he's not enough for her" trope that I see a lot in fics is kind of a big misread of Kaz's character and leans too far into the standard "sad bad boy" character type. Kaz calls Inej "lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved" but a lot of people seem to forget the very next line where he says he's "not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her."
Like, Kaz sees that Inej is better than he deserves, and his response to that isn't "I should treat her like shit so she'll give up on me", it's "challenge fucking accepted." If you tell him a safe is uncrackable, he won't stop until he's cracked it, and if you tell him he's not good enough for the girl he loves, he'll spend the rest of his life trying to be.
Inej and Kaz helping each other get dressed in the morning…… Inej doing up Kaz’s buttons on his shirt and waistcoat and tightening his tie…… Kaz cleaning Inej’s knives and sheathing them and buttoning her vest… oh hold on a second
So fun fact you should definitely know about me: i absolutely love romance as a genre, be it movies, literature or series (it's taken me awhile to accept that but that's a whole other post), and i absolutely love every single trope because at the end of the day they are very useful devices that serve the development of the plot, each one highlighting different aspects of the story/characters, and fake dating is no exception. I make this post as a fan first and foremost and im definitely no authority on the subject.
In my mind, this trope is often used to sort of liberate the characters, to allow them to behave how they actually want to and to express their feelings in a way that feels "safe". Being able to attribute their behaviour to acting allows them to express mutual admiration, interest and attraction a lot more freely until they're ready to admit that all that was 100% real and i feel like Vincenzo leaned into that really well. So here's some of the fake dating motifs i absolutely adore and were used in episode 14 to showcase their true feelings:
physical contact: no. 1 rule of pretending to be a couple is an excess of physical contact and they certainly delivered. In the gallery scenes chayoung is leaning on his shoulder when they're standing around and vincenzo constantly has his hand on her back while they're walking. I absolutely love the way this motif was executed because he does it almost absentmindedly the director is not even looking at them they have no reason to pretend but he doesn't take his hand off and that is usually used to highlight the familiarity and intimacy between the couple.
gifts: so this is a fairly common motif in fake dating when one half of the couple has a certain amount of money and can easily be mishandled. It's easy to end up in a "makeover scene" where it feels a lot like one of them is trying to change the other and make them "fit in". I honestly wasn't so sure about it when vincenzo said that line about his partners but once again they did not disappoint. The clothes and jewellery that they bought together felt completely chayoung and were chosen by her and so that line felt more like an excuse vincenzo used to buy her something without having to say he wanted to offer her a gift than anything else.
pet names: usually it starts as a "strategy" to convince whomever that they're a couple but the best part about it is when they forget themselves and use them when they're not pretending, which vincenzo absolutely did. Another motif that adds to the sense of familiarity between the couple. I don't have a "valid" reason to love this as much as i do i just think it's extremely fucking cute.
compromising positions: purely a plot device to get things moving usually consisting of people asking the couple to kiss or asking questions about their "love story". As always Vincenzo raised it up a notch and the poor man ended up having to propose as well as having to kiss her (not that he's complaining). I feel like it's obvious why i love this it makes things happen and it's usually the catalyst for a lot of Realizations™
Lines: this motif brings me back to the safety of the "pretense" where basically the couple allow themselves to be verbally expressive in a way they never would otherwise bc that's what a boyfriend/girlfriend is supposed to say, right?!. Clear examples of this are when they both say that was a magical unforgettable night or when vincenzo throws that line at the jewellery store and then can barely look at her. Look i just really enjoy subtext alright??
first kiss: first kisses in fake dating are extra special in my opinion bc they're always supposed to start unsure and by the end the couple have forgotten the world around them. The uncertainty of whether their partner actually meant that or are they just that good of an actor adds extra spice. Vincenzo once again passed the bar bc, and i've said this before, that was a long ass kiss for a kdrama holy shit the slow burn is superb. The hug test might have failed but after that i dont think anyone doubts his feelings right?
All in all, i fucking loved this episode it took all my favourite things about fake dating and elevated them further. The whole thing felt an awful lot like foreshadowing of chayenzo as a couple which makes me positively giddy.
Wanted to point out that the first time Vincenzo used informal language with Chayoung was in this scene:
Vincenzo got jealous and bombarded her with all sorts of questions about Chayoung’s get-together, first in their normal formal language:
Then eventually for the last two questions, in informal language, in full boyfriend mode:
Vincenzo has always used formal language with Chayoung till now (albeit the lowest level of formal language), but now after the airport scene, he’s so whipped he doesn’t even bother to hide it. It also goes to show Chayoung is really the closest person to him now and he’s fully admitted to himself that this woman has broken down all his defenses.
Kinda poetic too how these were the last words he said to her before she got shot, being his shield and wall.
