Legends of the Sigh

It's life, or something close...

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An update on the old store building: Came home yesterday to see one wall finally gave way. Disappointed with myself for not getting a few things out of it before it collapsed. -Wildie, KY

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A little project I had an idea for and finally went with and made. A collage of old Parsons Equipment Company Massey-Ferguson related ads matted with the old Massey-Ferguson logo painted on the glass. I admit I see a few flaws in the design and layout of things, but overall I'm happy with it.

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I've lost my mind!

Ok, so I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind.  Ran my first "race" of any type in over 17 years, and clearly my body is not what it used to be.  Thinking I could lightly jog the measly 2-miles, I started jogging right out the gate, and in less than a half mile, my left calf seized up, and that was that.  I had to walk the rest of it, and even that was painful.  I feel sorry for my girlfriend, because I know she could have left me behind, and she probably should have, but she stuck with me through it.

Ended up taking us a whopping 34 minutes to complete the 2 miles, and while I'm somewhat mad at myself because, as I said during the race "the man who was smoking while having the shits in the porta potty has beat me!" I was determined to finish it, and I did.

Clearly, my body has been in worse shape than I thought, and it was a sign that I need to take it slower.  The one benefit I had though, was laughing and cutting up with my gf, and making the most out of what was honestly a miserable situation at times. 

She's got me signed up for a 4k at the end of Feb, and while that's insane to me in many ways, I'm determined to do better than what I did today.  I might have to walk the bulk if not all of it, but I'm determined to get back into shape this time.

I think I have the support system to back me up, so we'll see how it goes from here on out.  I will say though, no more getting beat by heavy smokers that have the shits.  I'll at least be beating the people with digestive issues next time!

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What am I doing wrong?

I can't help but ask myself this at times.  Wondering what I do or don't do right.  I love my kids with everything that's in me.  I would lay down my life for them, and I do everything I can to make sure I'm all I can be for them, that I always put smiles on their faces, and I'd like to think I'm at least a decent Dad.....even though there are things that make me think and feel otherwise.

Either one of the kids rarely act like they miss me all that much.  My son gets upset when its time to go back to his Mom's but that has more to do with not getting to hang out with his cousin or that he has to go to school the next day, and less about me.  My daughter?  I'm honestly not sure she misses me all that much.  It's effort to get her to talk to me on the phone and she's immediate about hanging up.  She's anxious to get to her Mom's.  At best I feel like I come across as a secondary thought, when she used to be my best friend.

I do everything I can try to do, and it doesn't seem like I matter all that much.  Then I see Dads who are missed, who hang the moon with their kids.  I see the kids tell their Dads bye 15 times, and want to talk to him on the phone.  I see kids who truly miss their Dads and I can't help but sit and wonder, why can't I get that?

I guess that's a downfall of dating women with kids, that I see the other side of the coin, only problem it, while its similar, it feels like I'm looking at the back of a different coin than the one I have.  A coin, that while it has its flaws and issues too, still seems to shine just a little brighter in spots, versus mine. 

I've seen kids adore their Dad.  A man, who to me, isn't deserving such adoration.  Who isn't or hasn't been a Dad, for one reason or another, but still gets the extra hugs, and the begging their Mom to go see him, while I'm left sitting alone, wondering what I've done wrong.

[legendsofsigh]

First time in 12 days without at least 1 of my kids....the bittersweet side of Christmas break #missmybabies #backtothemondaygrind

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With the collapse of the store building, I started looking some things up online, and came across a few newspaper ads for Parsons Equipment Company, which was owned by my Great Grandfather in Mt. Vernon, Kentucky.   All the ads were printed in the Mount Vernon Signal between 1959 and 1968

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Went venturing into the old store building hoping to find 1-2 things worth taking. Surprisingly, while it doesn't look like it from the pictures, the remaining floor was really solid. I really didn't find much but was able to grab a couple of pictures I felt were pretty good. Still I’m thankful for grabbing that one photo before the building fell.

2014 - Wildie, KY

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Pappy’s old store building met its demise today during strong winds. It’s bittersweet that I was able to grab the photo I did just a few weeks ago. It had made me want to brave the venture inside the building to see what was left. To see if there were things that reminded me of my Pappy. My original photo had sparked an interest in doing a project and now with the building’s collapse I've decided to move forward with it. I’m going to do research and try as much as I can to find old photos showing the store in finer days. My hope is I can combine these photos and use them as reference to pull together drawing/print of the store back when it was a store.

11/24/14 - Wildie, KY

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What is this? What's going on?

Felt I needed to post something upfront, to mark the beginning of all this fun and games that'll eventually go down here.

I have attempted to start and write blogs a few handful of times in the past few years.  I started with documenting my kids with tech and just being a dad.  That evolved into Geekasms, which caused me to step away from it and attempt to start up a few new blogs.  Some on free services like here, others on domains I purchased.  Those purchased domains and forgetting to renew them lead me to lose a few posts, which kinda caused me to step away from writing for a while, even when I needed it.

After much internal debate, I finally decided to just create this Tumblr page, for me, just to have an outlet.  

Some of you might read this mess, some might not, and not to be a dick, but I don't care!  I'm writing this for me.

I've managed to compile all my previous blogging attempts to here, so I no longer have tons of things floating everywhere.  When there's something I want to look back up, or something I want to show, I know where to come now, and you're more than welcome to browse and read.

But there does need to come some warning, to strangers, friends, family, and anyone else that might come across this blog: I'm not holding back.  I'm going to be blunt.  I'm going to be honest.  About myself, about my feelings, about whatever it is I'm writing about.  Some things will be happy, some sad, some emotional.  I'm human, I have ups and downs, and my posts will be the same.

If you do read this, or anything on the blog, I thank you.  Feel free to comment or share, and please, visit again sometime!

[robertareed31-blog]

Cruising on Reddit, I found a picture set of what performers want backstage that is in their writer. I found some sane and some…not so much.

For instance, Axl Rose wants a loaf of WonderBread and a bottle of Dom Perignon. Nine Inch Nails want two bags of corn starch. My favorite of the list is...

[legendsofsigh]

My Pappy's old store building, what was once the W. H. Jones Store in Wildie, KY. I remember playing here when I was a kid....or at least trying to.  Going on the porch, trying to go through the side door, was guaranteed to get you in trouble. The fun and innocence of childhood, still trying to hold on, just like a leaning, falling-apart store building. 2014 - Wildie, KY

Update:  A windy day finally caused the building to collapse on itself.

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I hate not getting to coach him, but I love watching -Taken with the Instagram beta with a Lumia 928

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No Tears...

How are you supposed to keep from tearing up when a four-year-old, with one hand on your cheek and the other wiping your eye, tells you “no tears” as you’re strapping her into her car-seat? I don’t know where my daughter gets it from, this almost sixth sense or awareness of my emotions and my moods, but damnit she does, and really always has. The older she gets it seems she’s getting better at being in tune with what’s going on with me. When she was little (comparatively speaking) she was always able to tell when I was down or had a bad day and needed a little extra attention and love to cheer me up, and now at four she’s consoling me, because she knows how hard it is for me to let her go for a week. When I sit and think about it, I’m at a loss of how I should feel, that my four-year-old is trying to console her thirty-two-year old father, and honestly at the end, I feel guilty for it.  Guilty that I’m not being stronger for her.  That I’ve let me emotions, and being upset show through during all this, and that she sees it all.  That instead of me holding her, petting her hair, and wiping away her tears, its her wiping my cheeks, looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and with a tone to her voice way older than her little four-year-old self, saying “Daddy, no tears”.

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Words out of anger

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Today would have been....

I thought I had been doing better, and in a lot of ways I have, but today proved to me that I’m not doing nearly as well as I’d like to have myself think.  Today would have been Bug’s first day of preschool.  It’s one of those things that I knew in the back of my head, but did my best to ignore, until I saw other parents posting pics of their kids getting on the bus or sitting in their room, and it just struck me.  It hit me like a brick wall, and I’ve been pretty much worthless since.  

It’s hard, because I had planned to take the day off work so I could pick her up on her first day and see how she did.  So today pretty much sucked and struck home that not only did I not get to do that, but rather than it be me that will get those experiences, it’ll be her grandmother in January.  I keep telling myself this is my new existence and I need to get used to it, but so far, that level of acceptance isn’t happening.  I beat myself up because on a day like today, I feel like I take a step back, like by this point, nearly two months have passed and I should be getting accustomed to this.  I realize that’s bullshit though.  It’s bullshit I feed myself, and most day that works to a certain extent, but not today.  Today the bullshit fell silent and the roar of reality took center stage….

[legendsofsigh]

Another Weekend....

Outside of that worry, its not been bad, a weekend of “moving forward” as it were.  Cleaning out closets and sorting things out to eventually take to Goodwill, it was productive and emotionally healing.  I did have one foul-up Saturday night though.  Bug and I were outside looking at the stars and playing on the iPad with the app SkyView.  She was getting a kick out of moving it around the sky and seeing the constellations pop up on the screen.  Like any 4 year old though, her attention was diverted when the cat came to see what we were doing.  She was loving on the cat (named Tyler) and was saying that we needed to get Tyler a friend, so he wouldn’t be lonely when she wasn’t at the house.  Well leave it to Dad to stick his foot in his mouth.  I told her we would wait until I saw where I was moving to, and then we’d decide on a pet, but that we would most definitely get something.  That’s all it took for a breakdown about her not wanting me to move, she loved her house and didn’t want to leave it.  She calmed down a little when I told her we’d take all our stuff with us, but she was still upset about the thought of not having the current house as her home anymore.  It killed me, like I knew it would.  Leave it to me. Fortunately that was the low point while I had the girls with me, besides having to drop them off.  I delay and stick around so bad when I’m dropping the girls off, it probably boarders on sad.  I’ll go from the front window to the back window talking to both, getting as many kisses from Bug as I can.  It’s hard letting go, saying goodbye knowing I won’t get to see her for at least another 5 plus days.  I’m sure that doesn’t sound like a lot, but after seeing her every day of her life, not leaving her forever more than one night, its difficult, very difficult.  She was my light, what would brighten up my day.  She still is, but the excitement and light is tempered down, because she’s not here when I get home. I’m already going to break one of the rules I set for myself when I decided to start writing this blog.  I’ll eventually have a post explaining it all, but to keep things private, I decided I’d never use actual names, I don’t even use my own, the name I have on this site is made up.  I also told myself I’d never degrade or bad-mouth my childrens’ mothers, and I won’t.  The third thing I’m about to break.  I told myself no face pics, for partially the same reason as the names, privacy.  However, during the drop-off, my Bug was willing to take a pic with me, and take a good one.  A picture I’m going to cherish, that just makes me smile, and captures my baby girl perfectly.  So, I close this post with a photo of my Bug and I.  Daddy loves you baby.