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@legolasesboo522
older lotr illustrations sometimes depict éowyn wearing ridiculously small armour. apart from the problem general sexualisation of the only female character (who really does anything), there’s another hilarious thought:
éowyn pretended to be dernhelm, a man. to fit in, she must have worn men’s armor. so the armor in the illustrations is normal for rohirrim.
therefore, all the rohirrim rode to war just like that:
there’s a thundering sound in the distance as the rohirrim ride into war but rather than hoofbeats it’s the collective sound of all their cheeks clapping
the artist for this particular piece is Frank Frazetta and to be fair to him this is how he drew the orcs armor
so the rohirrim comment is probably not that far off
That’s a man who just straight up had a problem with the concept of wearing pants into battle, and I respect that
male or female
hero or villain
sea or land
even in the snow
I guarantee you Frazetta’s Rohirrim were 100% pants-free
Good Old Frank. That man loved bodies and hated clothes so much
Frank Frazetta was the reason He-Man was designed like that; the producers conduct a study to see what art appeal the most to children, and Frank’s work came out on top in popularity. So everyone in He-Man is dressed the way they are directly because of Frazetta.
That man gave us the gift of warrior thighs and tits for everyone.
Ah, it has been too long since I have seen the no pants post on my dash. And yes, this is a rare case where it wasn’t some sexist nonsense but an egalitarian No Pants Agenda.
absolutely obsessed w whoever wrote this article about lee pace
he's a bitch he's a lover he's a child he's a mother
Legolas: YOU KILLED AN ORC IN OUR LIVING ROOM?!
Gimli: I guess it’s not a living room anymore
Legolas:
Legolas: *sighs in defeat* That’s a good one
When the Company doesn’t realize you understand Khuzdul
The Company & reader, Fíli & reader if you squint
Requested: nah, I just plucked this from my “ideas for new wips” list because I got frustrated with every existing wip I had and I wanted to work on something new - something silly like this, where I didn’t have to think too much, just write and post
Warnings: Dwarves with no filter, a few saucy comments at the end
A/N: somehow these headcanon posts (that aren’t actually headcanons, just me being lazy and not wanting to write full sentences and paragraphs) are my most popular posts. And I don’t get it, but since I’m a people pleaser, have another one :)
it started from the beginning really
when Gandalf had proposed the idea of you joining the quest for several reasons, some of the Dwarves bursted out in complaints
because how DARE he suggest they needed the help of a human
they didn’t say it so politely of course
makalfûna bintarg siginkann didn’t exactly mean ‘that lovely human over there’
but Gandalf always gets his way so off on the quest you went
the first couple of days most of the Dwarves kept muttering to themselves or each other about you
not necessarily all bad things, but there was a lot of complaining involved
it wasn’t your fault you’d never ridden a horse or pony before
shocking right, living in Middle Earth?
but you were trying
it just happened to be that you and your horse didn’t really got along
which resulted in a few situations you’d rather not find yourself in
at least not in front of a dozen judgemental Dwarves and one wizard who was enjoying this far too much
like your stubborn horse suddenly taking off
cue two or three Dwarves - usually Fíli, Kíli and Bofur - trying to chase you and calm your horse while the others were laughing their arse off
or you failing to properly mount your horse, falling off countless times
that’s when the Dwarves became bolder and amused themselves with saucy comments and jokes on your behalf
all in Khuzdul of course
because some of those comments were definitely not meant for your ears
h o w e v e r
you might have failed to mention that you understood Khuzdul just fine
one of the reasons Gandalf insisted on you joining btw
you spent most of your childhood around the Dwarves of Ered Mithrin (the Grey Mountains) who traded with your village and picked up the sacred language very easily
you always had a knack for learning new languages
at first it was rather difficult to ignore the jabs and insults, pretending you didn’t have a clue what they were saying
but over time you kind of got used to it and it became easier to just ignore them
you almost gave yourself away once when Kíli asked his brother to throw his water flask and Fíli answered that his was empty as well
and you automatically reached for your own flask to give the brothers
but then you realised they had been speaking Khuzdul
you stopped yourself just in time
close call
other times you had too much fun pretending you didn’t understand them
especially when Thorin divided the tasks when setting up camp and he spoke Khuzdul out of habit
“… and the rest of you go gather wood for the fire”
everyone went to go about their tasks and you would still stand in the middle, arms crossed, a smile on your face, waiting
after a few minutes Thorin would roll his eyes and repeat the order in Westron
“Now why didn’t you say so? I would already be done with it by now.”
you loved to get a rise out of the Dwarven king
you promised yourself you would never tell them you understood every word they said
because to be honest, you were rather enjoying yourself and you could only tell them once, right?
but then one night when you were all sitting around the campfire after dinner, you finally broke your promise
it started rather innocent with the usual comments about your terrible riding skills
in Khuzdul of course
cowards
Dwarves usually have not much of a filter to begin with
add some ale they picked up en route and there’s no stopping them
you tried to ignore it and kept your eyes on the campfire
counting to ten, then a hundred, two hundred, …
biting your tongue to keep yourself quiet
but then Fíli - who had actually been rather nice to you - had to join in on the fun
“I bet I can teach her how to ride well”
wiggling eyebrows
cue boisterous laughter from most of the Dwarves
Thorin shaking his head in vicarious embarrassment
some of the others agreeing with Fíli
“I bet you could!”
that was the last drop for you
you could’ve accepted it from anyone but him
not Fíli
you looked him straight in the eye
and answered in fluent Khuzdul with a deadpan face
“I don’t know if you’re strong enough to handle me, son of Durin.”
deafening silence
Gandalf snickering in his beard and then choking on his pipe smoke because he tried to keep his laughter in and horribly failing
all the Dwarves looking at you with wide eyes
“You… You can understand what we’re saying? You speak Khuzdul?”
you made a face that basically said ‘what do you think?’
smiling to yourself when you saw the realisation on Thorin’s face that you had heard and understood everything they said about you
you bid them all a good night after that
the sound of Thorin smacking them on their head lulling you to sleep
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WHEEEEZE IM D E A D GNJDNVKD this is hilarious oh my god it’s amazing
I absolutely adore how you wrote Reader to like. Use it to her advantage to annoy Thorin
Hehehe of course reader would do that, who wouldn’t when given the perfect opportunity 😏
Thank you for reading and reblogging 💚
Lotr Pegging Scenarios: Race of Men
@melhekhelmurkun This is for you babe 😎
Aragorn
It was a rare sight, but if anything that just made it sweeter. Aragorn was the practical embodiment of positive masculinity - fair, brave, strong and loyal. But even warriors need to be cared for sometimes, and you were more than happy to provide for him.
There he was, this 6’ giant of a man, lying on his side taking your cock. Each rock of the thick strap-on gave him more pleasure than before, rubbing against his prostate in the most delicious way. You weren’t sure how you managed to hold his long leg in the air, given the sheer weight of it but one does what they can I guess. His moans were quiet, husky, but still too little for your liking. You wanted to hear his pleasure.
Letting go of his leg and leaving it to fall to rest on the bed, you grabbed the ranger roughly by his hips and slammed into him hard. He yelped in surprise and pleasure, the new angle and force feeling too delicious to be true. His moans were like honey, sweet and sultry as you ripped them from his throat.
“Ah! Hit that spot again!” He begged.
Raising an eyebrow, you slowed your pace somewhat, making him whine.
“This is so unlike you, Aragorn. Do you really deserve it?”
“(Y/N).. do not tease me, my love.” He gasped, scooting his hips back to push you deeper inside of him.
You stopped moving, your orders clear.
“Argh, fuck me, Meleth Nîn! I need it, please, I need it so bad- AAAH!!”
Grabbing his hand roughly and wrapping it around his cock, and then taking the other behind his back as your own to hold, the Ranger was left face-down in the bedsheets moaning for his life. He started mercilessly playing with himself as you picked up the pace, his moans muffled but loud enough for you to hear as he begged for it. Finally, the ranger came with a great shout, his body shivering and shaking like a leaf in the wind. Running your hands over his back muscles soothingly, you giggled.
“We should definitely do this again sometime, melleth~”
Boromir
“Hah.. ah!! Hnn, darling, please..”
“Tell me what you want, baby.”
You’d never expected Boromir of all people to be so whiny in bed, but with your cock rocking into him it must’ve been hard not to. You thought back to all the times you were in his position, the moans and gasps he pulled from you. But now it’s payback time, though one which seemed much more pleasurable for you both.
His thick and heavy legs propped up on each of your shoulders, hands fisting the sheets so tight that they may rip at any moment. His ass moved slightly with every thrust, and a dopey pleased smile was etched on his face as he pumped his cock in-hand.
“I want to cum, darling! Please love, give it to me, I need to- OH!!”
Cupping his balls and massaging them with one hand, the other hooking around his leg to aid in slamming against him, Boromir was a writhing mess. Moans poured out so loud that he felt dizzy, and you were sure all of Gondor would be speaking of this in the morning. But oh heavens was it worth it.
"Fuck, fuck, ahhhhh Y/N!! I *pant* I can't hold it anymore, I'm sorry!!"
With that, he came suddenly, white ribbons shooting out all over his stomach and chest. He whined so loud it made you giggle.
"This is so unlike you, Boromir." You smiled.
"Anything for you darling." He chuckled between pants.
Eomer
'Oh lord all mighty' he thought, trying desperately to shut in his moans.
But no amount of panting and writhing could stop his whines and whimpers from escaping as you rocked the thick strap-on in and out. Using one hand to restraint his arms and the other leaving bruises on his bum, Eomer was dizzy with pleasure - absolutely ravished by his love. His hair was tousled and very much in his face, blushing with his whole body and complete with pretty little smack marks on his ass. It was so arousing just to look at. Eomer, Lord of the Mark, King of Rohan, a six foot angel of a man, whimpering and groaning beneath you.
"Y/N.." He whined, sounding very unlike himself, "Please move faster!"
"Hmm… alright." You smirked, drawing a yelp from him with another firm smack on the ass.
Dropping his arm, you sunk your fingertips into his hips as you pounded away with bruising force. Now using his freed hands to steady himself against the bed, ass in the air, Eomer no longer tried to restrain himself, moaning and letting all of Rohan who the queen really was.
With a low groan and a long whine, Eomer came all over the bed. Panting heavily, he whimpered loudly as you pulled out, flipping the man over to look at your work. The smile he cracked was as golden as his hair
Faramir
Faramir was a very dignified man, noble in every regard. And it was clear he was trying to hold onto that, but with a thick strap in his ass and his mind dizzy and swimming with pleasure, it was becoming exceedingly difficult.
Whining and moaning with every thrust, while occasionally looking over his shoulder to see your cock rocking in and out, Faramir was at his end. He sounded almost pitiful, eyes shut tightly as you restrained his hands. Though of course you would never tell him such things, for you knew Faramir loved nothing more than to be praised.
"You're doing so well baby, taking me so well~"
"Hah, really?" He whined.
"Yes baby, so damn well. Do you want to come now?"
"Ahhh fuck yes, please make me come, please-"
He gave a great yelp and whine as you picked up the pace, all while reaching around to pump his cock in time with your thrusts. He barely had time to warn you before he came.
And as you were pulling out and cleaning him up, all the poor man could do was apologize profusely for coming so soon.
"You're fine love" you said, rubbing soothing hands all over him, "I like seeing you come early."
He blushed with his whole body.
"Really?" You whimpered.
"Yes, it means I did a good job!"
"Oh," he kept panting, "You most certainly did."
@bubbelpop2 You might enjoy these as well 😎
it’s not fili friday anymore but here you go. take good care of him.
TOLKIEN WEEK | Free Choice ➼ LOTR + types of love (insp.)
Thank you.
Tolkien very deliberately wanted to showcase the bonds that formed between people during war - a love equal to but different from eros or romantic love. The bond of brothers forged in horror.
Yes, philia and agape can exist within romantic love; healthy romantic love really should have some combination of philia, pragma, eros, ludus and agape.
But the modern world has flattened love, reduced it down to just eros, eroded away the recognition of the many strong bonds that bind individuals together.
We need to recognize all these bonds, all these loves, and not just fixate on “they want sex.”
Please.
the lord of the rings is so much funnier when you realize that the rings are like a membership to a group chat run by an evil eldritch horror drama queen and the elves basically pulled the old "hey can you make me mod for a second" "sure" *kicks you out of your own server and sets all channels to private* on sauron
me when the time comes to eat the rich and i gotta kill thorin oakenshield for hoarding the equivalent of 54 billion dollars in gold
Yeah so hear me out: trans Faramir.
No but…Boromir loves him. Accepts him. That’s his brother, his little brother, who is talented and brave and skilled in his own ways.
Denethor accepts him in name, ‘indulges’ him with livery of the Tower Guard (the livery passed to Pippin later). He prefers sons, after all. But Faramir will never be the same as Boromir. Denethor constantly tests him, pushes him, because Faramir will never be a true son to him—not in the same way. Because he holds him to impossible standards.
Faramir literally rides out to try and recapture Osgiliath, to prove that he is the perfect definition of a man who has never existed and will never exist, strong and infallible. He rides toward what he is sure will be his death, to show that he is a man, the man his father has tried to force him to be.
And when he survives, he finds love and healing in the arms and eyes of Éowyn, a woman who has chafed against her own constraints and the constraints of femininity and who has come back to that identity on her own terms, who sees him as an equal and holds him to no ideas or symbols or impossible standards beyond himself.
Fili’s kinda like a porcupine ♪(´▽`)
Click for better quality because tumblr threw it away in the garbage
i know i always talk about this but. “don’t go where i can’t follow” is such a wild line. it’s literally 6 words and yet
i will always love this meme no matter what
nobody:
absolutely no one:
me, loudly: I just think it would be interesting if kissing wasn’t really a thing in dwarf culture in Middle Earth, I think it would be cool if the forehead-touching were much more important and codified as an affectionate action, that’s all.
Thorin and his harp
First upload weee 8) Hello! I’m Mr.Kida, some of you might recognize me from twitter. I’m an artist who likes making dwarven related art. Decided to start up a tumblr as well so here is one of my fav pieces!
Welcome to the circus! This is beautiful 😍😍