Screaming to the Void

[leichtfeuer]

With PDID many people talk about the host being the main alter or a more defined alter. I kind of experience the opposite, I feel like I'm the least defined alter. I don't have any hobbies, when nobody is in co-conscious and I sometimes feel more like a nice interface for the world outside, than a fully fleshed out alter. Maybe I'm just really depressed though lmao.

[leichtfeuer]

So turns out, I'm not like the "was there most of the life" host but the "got promoted some years ago to cope with abuse but is so minimalist that they have no hobbies nor a sense of self" host fml.

[leichtfeuer]

I kind of feel like an imposter in therapy. My therapists asks me so many questions about my alters but, how would I know? They are barely more than strangers to me myself! I know what they told me, and that's honestly not that much.

[leichtfeuer]

So today my therapist told me that she talked with some DID specialist on their monthly round table about me (I'm famous 🎉) and how my symptoms don't match my diagnostic test results. And a colleague, who is a specialist in DID + autism sided her this autism test, that she now gave me as a homework 😂😭

Apparently inconclusive testings are kind of normal in people who have autism and DID?!

[leichtfeuer]

I sometimes feel like an imposter among trauma survivors and people with (P)DID. Like, on the spectrum of all the ways that people can be abused, we are on the low end.

[leichtfeuer]

I don't know why but it seems like every professional cleaner uses the same cleaning products. It's so triggering going to the yoga studio and the staircase smelling like the hospital where we were abused.

[leichtfeuer]

Today I was standing in my garden, looking around thinking "Woow! Thats so impressive! The person who did this must have a real green thumb. I wouldn't know how to do this."

Bitch, that's your garden, we did this!?

[leichtfeuer]

The last week was so stressful that a child-alter took over. So I'm standing in this beautiful rococo-church and hear myself scream:

Irrg, it stinks!

[leichtfeuer]

Anyone else who can't focus on things or lock in without feeling the brainfog and dissociation creeping in?

[leichtfeuer]

I wonder why it is so impossible for me to decide for something. Of course my likes and preferences changes depending on who is in Co, but why am I so utterly incapable of just... Trying something out? Deciding for something? Just to see if I'd like it. Instead I stand still.

[system-search]

It's so weird to be a system sometimes because I'll remember trauma and be like "...didn't I remember this before? I remember knowing this but it disappeared and I was incapable of remembering it again until now..."

And it's such a specific, odd feeling that I don't think I could actually explain to singlets

[leichtfeuer]

A weird thing with PDID is the unevenness in your skills, depending on what alters are in Co.

[office-cabinet]

is this a switch and has literally anyone else experienced this

[thestarsss]

this is what i feel like nearly every day omg

[changelingcoded]

im sure thats normal

[the-abyssal-system]

Am I perfectly capable of acknowledging that as a system we share a mind and body and are parts of one collective person? yeah

Does that make it any less annoying when someone tells us that we’re not separate people when we mention that not every alter has the same opinions/feelings and doesn’t like being treated like another alter? no absolutely not

[leichtfeuer]

With PDID many people talk about the host being the main alter or a more defined alter. I kind of experience the opposite, I feel like I'm the least defined alter. I don't have any hobbies, when nobody is in co-conscious and I sometimes feel more like a nice interface for the world outside, than a fully fleshed out alter. Maybe I'm just really depressed though lmao.

[leichtfeuer]

Like I'm not strict on the label, I don't care if I'll get diagnosed with PDID or OSDD or CDD or whatever. But getting told that I don't have a dissociative disorder is so hurtful. There are people inside of me who want to be respected, they aren't just modi of myself. I'm just the ANP, I just clean here!

[leichtfeuer]

It is so wild how long we have been in therapy and how the only red thread so far was "Well the standart procedure doesn't seem to work on you. I don't know what to do but wish you the best in life.". And still they continue to only do their standart program for depression or anxiety, and nobody cared enough to look into it deeper. Isn't it a hint in and of itself when a patient doesn't ever respond to the "standart program"? Maybe they don't have a "standart illness"? And we should take a closer look?