lei!! 19, she/her

criminal minds, top gun, stranger things, marvel, and sam and colby enthusiast! feel free to request 🤍

[leilersworld]

I’m still mad at you.

No really, I’m still mad at you.

I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could think about your name and not get that feeling in my gut. That feeling of fire burning so close to my heart I feel like I’m going to turn to ash. Because I have always been a person who forgives. I have always been the girl that gives a little bit too much grace for her own good. And for the longest time, I was okay with that.

And then, you were the one that I gave too much grace too. Now, I am left with no grace to give.

You took it all. You took the love and the hate and all of the pain. You made me less than a being. You made me a numb vessel who had to walk the earth figuring out what to do next.

So yeah, I’m still fucking mad at you. And I will continue to direct all of this anger towards you until it is gone.

I hope you get everything you have ever wanted, and never, EVER, do this to another soul on earth again.

[leilersworld]

I went through a breakup recently.

Ouch. It kinda hurts to just write out. Breakups are weird aren’t they?

It’s like, he’s not dead, but if I didn’t know any better I would assume he was? I don’t see him anymore. His name doesn’t pop up on my phone anymore. I don’t see any pictures of him.

It was like I snapped my fingers and boom, gone.

I can’t pretend I wanted it. I didn’t. But I think I needed it?

I think I was so deep in my own pain that I didn’t even realize there was a way out of it. It was like one day I woke up and remembered that without him, I was still my own person.

I still had my own purpose. My own name. My own family. My own job. My own friends. My own school.

That was a weird conclusion to come too. Because for the longest time that life I lived, was also his. I always wanted him around. It’s almost like he fell out of the sky.

He might have. I met him at a party, at my house. I had never heard of him before, and he was in my house, and I was blushing. It felt perfect. Everyone thought it was perfect. And like I said, I was so swallowed up in my own pain, that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish I could thank him for leaving me. I didn’t realize it at the time, and I had to go through a lot of pain and tears to get to this point, but I have finally begun to understand that my life is better off without him in it.

I guess that’s harsh, but no words I could say would ever be as harsh as what happened to me in the months I was with you.

I guess I’m just rambling now. I have alot to say, and I’m happy that I am finally able to say those things correctly.

[leilersworld]

in another universe I see you across the bar and you walk up to me and you’re nice to me. you’ve healed from what happened and you’re finally the person you are when I first met you again, and you’re nice to me. and we talk, we talk the night away. we talk about the little and the big things that have happened since you weren’t nice to me all those years ago, and suddenly everything is okay. and it’s nice to see you again. and it’s peaceful to know that you are finally at peace again.

[leilersworld]

I was never wrong for being a fifteen year old girl. I was never wrong for being born your daughter. I have the heart of my grandmother and the eyes of my mother. I was never wrong for any of that. And looking back on it, how dare you ever blame me for any of those things.

Maybe I wasn’t born to be a daughter, or born to be your daughter to be specific, but nonetheless I was. And none of that is my fault.

[leilersworld]

and sometimes I tell people that you’re gone on a trip. I don’t mean to lie. it’s just easier to say you’re away then really gone. then they ask all the questions, and they ask if I’m doing okay. of course I’m not doing okay. you’re train left years ago and no one has heard from you since and I don’t know what happens in the afterlife but I know that you didn’t deserve for it to happen to you. so i tell them you’re in London or some far off country that many people don’t even know how to pronounce. that way the answers come easier, that way i actually know what to say. because I don’t believe I’ve ever or will ever experience something as vulnerable as looking a stranger in the eyes and telling them that my big brother who was supposed to be around forever died years ago. I don’t have the courage to tell them how or why it happened, hell I don’t even have the courage to think about it myself. and I hope you’re not angry with me for lying, I hope you would understand it. because saying that you’re abroad sounds so much better than saying you’re six feet under. ya know?

[leilersworld]

stop thinking about that slightly embarrassing you did hours ago. go outside and start a garden or read a new book or open the cookbook that’s collecting dust. try new things. go visit the new coffee shop down the street or buy the product you’ve been wanting to try for months. stop sitting in your bed and expecting good things to come to you if you don’t at least try to find them. you’ll never get anywhere with expecting anything.

[leilersworld]

maybe it wasn’t the biggest mistake of your life. maybe you were just a 15 year old girl who was surviving the best way she knew how, and maybe that’s okay

[leilersworld]

I always hated those authors.

The ones that glorify trauma that many have experienced, dot the i’s, and cross their T’s. They sign their name on the corner of every page and are proud of the overlooked pain. They publish their books into the world, for everyone too see, highlighting the pain that many share.

I wish instead they would go about it truthfully. I wish they would write the actual damn consequences of those things, instead of the stupid bullshit they come up with instead. I wish they would write about the suffocating feeling I have in my throat, rather than the “blooming love”.

I know it’s fiction, I know it may make some happy. However, I’ve always had a passionate distain for those books.

They make the covers pretty, and sell millions of dollars worth of books that highlight pain in the completely wrong way. What if i didn’t get that happy ending? What if i didn’t get a blooming love? What if I’m still sitting here in my room expecting a fake reality to come true based off of words on a paper?

[leilersworld]

“One of the most difficult things I’ve learned

is that not everything you love is meant for you.

being in love with someone

and being right for someone

aren’t the same thing.

the same applies to everything in life

you will fall in and out of love with a million different places, sunsets, colors, laughs, voices, books, movies, music.

and you will realize

that some loves stay for a lifetime

and some stay for a little while.

some places are your forever home

and some are temporary.

some voices are constant

and some will echo in your heart forever.

both of these are real

both of these are love

and all of it is life.”

-Whitney Hanson

[leilersworld]

YALL NEED TO ABSOLUTELY LISTEN CLEARLY TO ME RIGHT NOW.

HES A SICKO, HES GROSS, BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH MATTY HEALY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HO MY GODJWBKWODBEOQOWKD!!!!!!!!

HE IS SUCH A SICKO, I HATE HOM SO MUCHBDJAOWNDNAO!!!!!

[leilersworld]

it is so insanely strange to make smut abt a REAL LIFE PERSON. like fluff & blurbs are fine. but smut??? 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[leilersworld]

i love how the dystopian society (aka the worst place to be) in the divergent trilogy is literally named CHICAGO😭😭😭😭 when they made this movie they really said “what is the biggest shithole you guys can think of?” and someone said “chicagos pretty bad” and they just ran with it😭😭😭 what a fucking roast dude😭

[leilersworld]

hair holds memory. which is why everytime i cut a few inches off, i feel my past shedding down my back and staying behind on the salon floor. it’s almost freeing in a sense- but also very terrifying- because i do want to leave you in my past, but i also know i’ll find myself missing you at some point. when that time comes though, i find myself back at the salon, to cut and reshape new memories. it’s a process, and it can be painful, but it works. it always works.

[leilersworld]

putting “not sexualizing” in a caption of an edit with a predominantly sexual audio is equivalent to saying “but no offense” after saying something that was very clearly meant to be offensive lol

[leilersworld]

the absolute perfect, in my opinion, lineup for a battle (all stranger things characters duh🤗🤗)

first, very obviously, eleven. that girl literally never stops fighting even if she’s on her deathbed.

second, STEVE!!! he always has the best plans and he can FIGHT dude, like if it comes down to it he’s using his teeth, he does not care.

third, dustin. dustin is very obviously one of the smartest people on the show. not only does he have connections (susie) but he comes up with so many solutions.

fourth, NANCYYYYY. that girl has a glock in her back pocket! (at all times)

fifth, argyle. y’all are underestimating this man, he’s got brains, he could be so useful at so many times.

sixth, JOYCE!!! joyce should just be nancy’s mom, they are literally the same person. joyce never stops fighting, ever, if you put her up to a challenge she WILL win.

and lastly, lucas!!! another total underestimated character. lucas can fight, and he is so so brave. he’d do A LOT for the team.

[leilersworld]

if you need to queerbait to get views, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to gain traction…

[leilersworld]

“it’s unlikely for that many of them to be queer”

shut up literally everyone is a little gay if they actually think about it. what.. you’re telling me you haven’t seen someone of the same gender and immediately wanna jump their bones???? if you haven’t you’re just weird and need a reality check🙎‍♀️🙎‍♀️