Will You love me, even with my dark side..

Me, Myself & I. Various other thoughts go through my head, things I have in my heart currently. These are the ones that bug me most I suppose. This is a sideblog

[wintersoldiers]

[ohgorman-archive]

#in which you could hear every heart in the theater break

[bbcireneadler-deactivated201503]

#steve’s expression is one of someone who’s lost a friend before #tony’s is one of someone who’s tried before

[sadccharine-deactivated20260226]

#tony’s expression is the reason why i cry at night

[lemonadeandrants]

its not fair that i should be jealous of other people who are chronically ill but with diseases that are treatable or manageable because im sat here exhausted and in so much pain but my treatment options are: ..... cbt and get both of which make me worse

and then i get a trifecta of illnesses when two are helped by exercise but the third makes it impossible for me to do? 

im just. i want to be able to go in to hospital and have some help and treatment that makes me feel better?? even if it’s just temporarily. i just need some respite and relief. 

[lemonadeandrants]

im just. gonna rant. can i do read more on phone?? dont think so

im so fed up. i was way too optimistic coming on this holiday. im just completely exhausted and im gonna crash so hard when i get home (if not before) and honestly im not having a great time. there are good moments, don’t get me wrong. being back in la crosse was a balm for my soul, as was getting to see friends again. but now i’m really struggling.

i can’t do a lot of walking, and i had kinda figured my daily step goal should be about 4000 and im regularly doing 6000 and thats just not feasible

BUT I WANT TO. i want to be able to go and walk 2k without even thinking about it, i dont want to have to do everything one handed because im carrying a cane (i also dont want to be 25 and having to use a cane but thats a different kettle of fish)

i want to do so many things and see so many things but even being in the car is exhausting and i just need a break. i think after here & the next place it’s much more chill but im just. exhausted. i want to see the hoover dam!! i want to see the grand canyon!!! i want to walk the strip!! i want to go in all the casinos!!! but. i also feel like. whats the point. the grand canyons just a big hole. the hoover dam is gonna have stairs. theres gonna be a fair car trip & then lots of walking. i just need that to not happen. theres so much walking in the casinos. im just so melancholy about this. i would give anything to have two GREAT health days where i can do all i want to do and see everything i want to here, and then i would be okay with it.

anyway. that helped a bit. i am going to stop now. thanks if you read this. it helps to scream into the void.

[lemonadeandrants]

do you ever just want to.. stab yourself in the stomach so things stop just for a bit? i want my pain to be visible rn

[lemonadeandrants]

been doing a list of things that i’m grateful for on my twitter. wanted to add them here too.

•new friends. like. this is the first year at uni i haven't felt totally isolated and i loved it. with V , and our late night walks & Z with just hanging out without needing to talk to each other, just co-exist in the same space. 

• getting to go to UW-La Crosse. it hasnt been as i hoped (worst flare up in years) but it's been a good experience. here's hoping 2018 is better in that aspect.

• discovering (and rediscovering) youtubers who are able to cheer me up, have helped me refind my faith in the midst of chronic illness & have shown me how to find joy even when it seems difficult

• Harry Styles & his overwhelming message of 'be kind' & how i've adopted that as my new mantra.  "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

• the aforementioned Z who has helped me accept my sexuality, and helped me discover/learn more about my rom-id & gender

• reconnecting to a friend who i classed as a best friend throughout my later teenage years.

• taking steps to medically address my health issues

• (re)discovering the ability to like things unashamedly - both in terms of music & movies/tv shows.

[lemonadeandrants]

if you get suicidal again. consider the drug. it can cause you to get suicidal thoughts and ideation and it’s not your brain.

even when you’ve been at your worst. there has never been suicidal ideation. you’ve wanted to not be alive, but you havent wanted to kill yourself.

look after yourself. it may seem hard but there are people to help and things you can do. you’ll get through another day.

[lemonadeandrants]

feelings/thoughts upon waking up (without an alarm) during a flare-up

[the last time i set an alarm i woke up, turned the alarm off and physically could not stay awake so went back to sleep]

there’s an initial thought of ok i feel terrible can i sleep anymore? often i can, and so i do. if not

check the time. see the time & realise i have slept for an alarming amount of time (while my meds have a sedative effect, when i’m feeling ok they make me sleep for 9h. at the moment i’m sleeping for 11h+)

as i slowly wake up the wave of pain flows over me & i realise how heavy my legs feel and realise that i can’t move them

lie there for a bit trying to wake up more, try to move

if i do (like this morning) force myself to roll over onto my side i have to stop everything for a minute and breathe through the effort and pain that flares up in my legs

it usually takes 30-60 minutes to be able to move my legs. then i have to get up (i usually wait until it’s necessary or i really have to pee) 

so i slowly sit up. at this point i force my legs to move (sometimes manually) and it takes me another 5-10m before i can get up. at the moment my mattress is on the floor because it’s the best place for it, so i then have to switch round so i’m kneeling, causing pain to flare up so i have to breathe for a minute before getting up

i then have to stand for a minute to wait for the head rush i get from standing up while holding onto my chair

then [if it’s this morning] i open my door, hope none of my flatmates are in/have their door open (they didn’t this morning thankfully) and walk to the bathroom. it took me 2-3m for a journey that is probably 30-40 feet. i then used the bathroom, forgot to turn on the light to wash my hands [separate loo & sinks] but decided it wasnt worth the energy to go back to turn it on so washed my hands in the dark.

then slowly headed back to my room and shut the door. had to have a lie down to try to feel like im not going to pass out. 

i then sat up in bed and leant against the wall & got out my laptop in the hopes of distracting myself. 

[lemonadeandrants]

you ever have like. one person.

its like. i dont know if its because he;s the only person i talk to i knew pre-illness.

or if its because i do like him.

but.

i dont know. 

i dreamt last night that i had someone to kiss and hug and help

and i just. i think it was him.

but like

i don’t understand how anyone could want to be in a relationship with me

i still dont totally understand why anyone would want to be friends with me?

im still not convinced people do

but what can i bring to a relationship??

a chronic illness that means i can’t do a whole bunch of things for weeks on end, a not sure approach to sex, a not so keen on kids approach (and i know that he at least used to desperately want kids), and im just a burden and i just. i can’t do things. 

i almost can’t see where im going to be once i finish uni. what can i do with my degree and my illness? i can’t go on to do a masters because i can’t cope with normal level of study. so that means getting a job. but what job can i do when i cant walk some days. or when i can walk and i can’t process anything including simple tv shows. what am i supposed to do?

[lemonadeandrants]

i dont know how to balance telling people about my illnesses and not

i dont know how to have friends

i dont know how to explain my illnesses.

i don’’t know how to do this anymore

//edited to add//

i want my friends to be able to feel like they can talk about being tired

because i get it

but also i want to say “im so tired that i had to sit down on my way to get back after eating earlier” 

i just dont want them to feel like im complaining 

but also i dont have anything else to talk about at the moment.

“what did you do today?” yes i did p much nothing. i sat in bed. i laid down in bed. i slowly walked to the dining centre for lunch. i ate lunch by myself. i sat in bed. i had to lie down before i fainted. i talked to my roommate for 5 minutes. then i had to lie down because it wore me out. i walked to the dining centre for dinner. i ate dinner by myself. (and i couldnt eat it all because of nausea. i walked back. i had to sit down halfway back because i genuinely couldnt get home. made it back. the last week+ i hve had to use the lift to get up one floor because i can’t walk up the stairs without nearly passing out. i then lay down for a bit before managing to be sat up. then i got ready for bed, took my meds & then sobbed for an hour. now im going to sleep. 

thats not anything anyone wants to hear. ugh. i dont know.

[lemonadeandrants]

you know what?

i’m mad.

im so mad.

im so mad at my body.

this isnt fair.

my level of feeling ‘normal’ had been elevated because of those tablets.

and now im in one of the biggest flare ups i have had in years?

how is that fair

im so sad and stressed to be missing these lessons

im never going to catch up

im going to be way behind

then ill have so much to catch up on i wont nesc be able to catch up WHAT

so much stress

[lemonadeandrants]

chronic illness is:

getting back from the movie and barely making it to your chair before your legs give out even though you’ve done hardly anything all day because this was the second /too loud/ noise you’d had today

chronic illness is:

sobbing because of exhaustion but having to try and stop to reply to your flatmate who is asking how the film is through your locked door

chronic illness is:

trying to imagine how the person you saw the movie with spent their night after the showing and figuring out that they probably went home & didnt even consider it as particularly taxing.

chronic illness is:

having to drink almost a litre (32floz) of gatorade to be able to stand up to walk to the bathroom.

it’s not fair.

chronic illness is:

not going away with your friends because your health will ruin someone's good time

[lemonadeandrants]

letter through about a smear test

little panic attack

dont need it as a virgin and with the hpv jab after much googling my chance is like 2% so i’d rather risk that

but then it leads me to like

ddoes that make me sex repulsed?

i dont like the thought of anyone touching~ down there even if its.. medical?

but i just dont know??? 

i would be totally happy with the whole barbie crotch thing going on down there

its just a hassle and id rather it wasnt there?

i just. theres a real disconnect. super dirty mind, but just thats joking?? im still like 75% sure people dont have sex and its just a joke everyones playing on me lmao

then i get the fun wait am i a girl or what because the history teacher called me she and i felt viscerally uncomfortable and i just ugh dont understand it

i dont think i feel like a dude? but i dont know. ok. things to do.

[lemonadeandrants]

so im kinda half automatically attracted to slightly pudgy taller boys and i dont know if thats because theres something in my brain thats like ok theyre less attractive so they might be into you

or if im genuinely attracted to them??

i think its the former? i dont think i am genuinely attracted to them

theres one photo of someone who i go back to look at because its just.. so unreal and so beautiful but thats the only time??

i dont know.

[lemonadeandrants]

the only issue with sharing an apartment is that i dont really know them and havent like... bonded with them

immediately meshed with them

whatever its similar meanings

and i dont want to be like.. shutting my door but also i sometimes want my door shut so i dont have to be in a space with other people?

but also the way my desk is if i have the door open you can see my screen and sometimes i go on stuff im not comfortable with people seeing - aven or ace tumblr etc and its just.. stressful.

anyway

i havent found anywhere i can just be /alone/

i really miss the lake. and the chapel. and just all the places i could go to be alone or somewhere without lots of people.

i miss v. he had his problems and there were things that made me meh but he also genuinely was ok with me saying dude no stop it shush

i just. im struggling. a lot.

i need a moment for myself where i can have a little cry. and just. breathe. just need a minute or three.

[lemonadeandrants]

i just feel like. i dont know. 

its when theyre laughing at a post about a 20 year old virgin and i cant tell if its because how he writes or because hes a virgin

then you want to go to pride but im fairly sure youre straight

“oh yeah that’ll be fun”

ill spend the evening trying not to cry because of how you talked about me, without realising it was me

but then you’ll spend forty minutes trying to sell a trolley because we had a long wait and i just. im so glad its you?

i feel like it has to be god saying no don’t i’ve got you. dont do that. “god is preparing their hearts”

“they see themselves more as a burden to their loved ones than a blessing, and feel that by disappearing they are doing others a favour. “

i just. i like feeling close but also i just want my friendship with v here

i am comfortable with agreeing with you that those girls are conventionally attractive but also i think its making me super aware of being judged and i dunno. i feel. just. massive.  

still. im alive.

im in the place i want to be in

i just want to have a little less social interaction.

[lemonadeandrants]

me: wants to be hugged and held, is totally touch starved and needs to be cuddled

also me: allows only a very limited number of people to touch me at all, let alone in a slightly intimate way. barely ever allows myself to show emotional weakness around people. gets anxious when someone hugs me for too long.

[mychronicthoughts]

I’m astounded by the privilege of people who disdainfully look at me at say, “I don’t like relying on pills.”

Yeah, well, me either but I don’t have the luxury of being able to survive without them.