The Better Half

20/Alaskan/Female ◇ single mother of a beautiful 15 month old girl◇ been going through it

[lemontea-baddreams]

Since the last time I’ve wrote, I got a new job and quit it, got a new boyfriend and almost left him, and have been forced to face my true self. The new job was at a call center. The pay was shit, the calls were shittier, but the hours were ideal. I quit that job two months ago and I’ve been a stay at home mother since then. The situation with the boyfriend is... complicated. I love him dearly but we both have so many issues that it all gets overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I wish I was alone or dead. It would make things so much more simple. I thought being a stay at home mom would be my dream. I love being around my daughter all the time but I hate not making any money to support us. I feel like I’m leaning on everybody around me to much and I wish I was more self sufficient. It doesn’t help that the entire world is in crisis. With the pandemic and BLM movement, crisis is an understatement. It feels like we’re on the edge of some big changes in the world. But the world hasn’t decided whether its going to change for good or evil. I wish I knew the future of me and my daughter. But right now, everything is so uncertain, I don’t even have much of a plan. Most days, I feel like I’m drowning in it all.

[lemontea-baddreams]

Motherhood came to me easier than any other role I've ever had to play. The second she was placed in my arms and I saw her big brown eyes watching me, I knew exactly what needed to happen. Suddenly, Alex took much less space in my head. It was like the fog had cleared and all I saw was the beauty of my future with my daughter. Its stressful, and there are still moments that I wish you were here living this beautiful life with me. But they are only moments. Because I know now to appreciate every second I have with her. There's no time for feeling sorry for myself anymore. There's no room in her life for my drama and sadness with her dad.

We started talking again on New Years Eve. And it's been nothing but civil and friendly since then. He finally got a job in May, 7 months after I needed him to, with a tour company. We're talking about him moving down here to be in Aria's life once the tourist season is over. And I cant wait for him to be in her life. Too many of my friends grew up without knowing their dad and I saw how much it hurt them. I dont want her to have that kind of pain in her life too. He still has a lot to work on as far as mental health. But once his mom is out of his life, I am confident in his ability to heal. I know my family will disapprove, but I wont ever forgive myself if I didn't try.

[lemontea-baddreams]

I find comfort and some minor relief from the constant loniless in movies and books. So many writers encapsulate how all this feels so well, and it's the only thing so far that has made me feel a little less alone. It helps me understand how this all feels. And it feels so painful but at the same time, the only right thing to do for both of us. I selfishly want to be in your life as a friend, to alleviate this loneliness for the both of us, and I want to be someone to help you but I know that I can't. I so so selfishly want to one day get back together and find some sort of reconciliation. I keep looking back, desperately searching for just one good reason to, but I never find one. And that hurts so fucking much. I love you more than I can express and I really wanted it Alex, more than you could ever know. I wanted so badly to have this perfect life, with good jobs and an apartment together, with a relationshop that didnt feel like so much work and so much fear. I wanted to be partners and parents, and I never said it because I was too afraid but I wanted to marry you too. I put so much time a effort into trying to heal you and trying to get you back to the loving, caring, understanding, artistic, hard working man that I had seen in you. I put so much of myself into helping you find that, that I lost myself. That person who threw things, who screamed, who shoved, who was ready to physically fight you; that was someone I had never met and I have never been before I was with you. You pushed my boundaries too far and I let you. I turned into someone I never wanted to be. And I'm sorry. I know that I had as much of a part in ruining this relationship as you did. I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of and that I'll truly never forgive myself for. I just wish you could take some responsibility for the things you did, or at least begin to empathize with how you fucked up my entire world. I'm still so scared. I'm still questioning what's real and what I've conditioned myself to think because of you. I've realized that without you, I have no idea who I am. And I need to find who I am before I make any moves towards having any sort of relationship with you. So I'll have to live with this unbearable loneliness and emptiness that is amplified that the second heartbeat that lives inside me. I need to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to be alone. I need to be alone.

[lemontea-baddreams]

Do you believe in soulmates? I do. And I believe that in every human lifetime we are blessed with a multitude of them. Each one intertwining with the different versions of a soul they meet. Whether that be in the form of a friendship or a romantic relationship. But when a soul grows in a different direction from the other, the connection fades into the past. The connection never really goes away. But they have grown too far apart from the current version of the soul that has now changed.

I think you are one of my soulmates, but my soul has changed in ways that can't transfer or communicate to the current version of yours. There will always be a connection between us. I've now realized that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to sever it and forget you. Especially because a part of you now lives in me. Both physically and spiritually.

I wanted so badly for our souls to be able to grow and change together. But after some time, I watched us grow in different directions and it became clear that I would have to leave and experience this life without you. If I stayed, we would've resented each other even more than I know that you do now. And I didn't want that for us. I still don't. I still hope to one day call you my friend. I don't know if our souls will ever grow together again like they were. At this point in time, it doesn't seem likely. But this world works in mysterious ways, and I can't completely rule it out.

But regardless of whether or not that happens, please know that I don't hate you, I'm not angry with you, and I'm no longer afraid of you. I was for a while, even before I left. But I've realized that was my attempt to protect myself from this deep feeling of loss and longing. A shield from this intense grieving for our connection that has been lost to the past. I don't think you fully understand just how much I loved you and wanted us to be together. I worked so hard to try and keep us together. But it was just too toxic and unhealthy to justify. Even for the sake of the baby.

[lemontea-baddreams]

I guess we’re to the point that I should really just leave you alone. I should just try my best to move on and forget about you. But we both know that I’ll never be able to do that. There’s still a hopeful piece of me that wants to believe that you’ll find the strength and the will to turn yourself around in the 2 and a half months until she’s due. But everyday that piece of me gets smaller and smaller. I’m waiting for the day that this isnt so painful and terrifying. I’m waiting for the day that the fact that I’m going to be a single mother at 19 really sinks in. But I dont know if it ever will until she’s born. 

I’ve decided on a first name. I’m still very nervous about when to tell you but I’m sure you’ll like it. The middle name hasnt been quite as easy as the first but I’ll find something. Shes also moving a lot more and you can really see it on the outside now. It freaked my little sister out when she saw it this morning. My next doctor’s appointment is on the 28th. When I went to the one on the 13th of November, the doctor told me that everything measured up to be “textbook perfect”. Even her heartbeat was at the exact average of 160bpm. It felt weird to be in that office without you, though. It was so uncomfortable and quiet. I tried my best not to cry because it all felt so empty and cold, a huge contrast from the first appointments that we were so excited to learn more about what we should do. I did cry though. I cried a lot and it was a struggle to hide it from my dad. Its so strange to be so sad while pregnant. I wondered how I could feel so empty while my body held two heartbeats.

My feelings about you are all so confusing. On one hand, I do miss you and I miss being excited with you, even if it was all so stressful and everything was so uncertain. But on the other hand, I’m terrified of what could happen if you were to ever be in my life again. I wonder everyday about how you’ve been doing and if your getting any better. But I also wonder if I could ever trust you again. I also find it interesting that you were begging for communication. But I haven’t heard from you in weeks. And I wonder if I’ll ever hear from you again. Just know that no matter what happens, I will never control my daughter’s perception of you. When she asks, I will tell her what happened in the most age appropriate way possible and let her decide how to feel about it. And I hope, for her sake, that she has enough love in her heart to not be angry. I hope that one day her and I can pray for your wellness and peace, together.

[lemontea-baddreams]

I miss you more than anything. I miss the you that was kind and creative and happy. I miss the you that hadn't given up yet. I miss the life we could've had. I miss curling up next to you. I miss having your hand to hold when I would wake up from the unnerving dreams and nightmares. I miss when the nightmares weren't about you. I tried so hard to stick it out and be there for you when you were at the lowest point in your life. I tried to stay. I don't know if it makes me feel worse or better that I was the last one by your side. Everyone else gave up on you. But I saw someone worth while. I still do. Even after everything thats happened, after everything you've put me through or that I've had to put myself through as a result. I still want so desperately to see you come out the other side, a better man. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be in any kind of romantic relationship with you again. But as somebody who cares about you so so deeply, I just want to know that your well. Because you deserve to be well.

[lemontea-baddreams]

She's getting so big now and it's crazy how much she moves. Occasionally, I can feel her little toes and fingers as she kicks and punches. Its strange and freaks me out a little bit, just how much I can feel and see her move. Sometimes her movements will wake me up in the middle of the night and I'll forget where I am for a minute. I'll reach to the other side of me to grab your hand so you can feel too, but I only find an empty bed. I wonder where you are for a moment until I remember where I am. That's the hardest part. Not really having anyone to be excited with me. My parents are, but I can feel the undertone of disappointment in every smile they give me. Just like every "congratulations" I've gotten so far. The thought of either of them, or truthfully anyone at all, touching my belly is enough to make my skin crawl. You were the only one I could really share this with in a more genuine, positive way. Even though it was built on fantasy and empty promises, you were the only one I could be excited with. Now all of that is gone. And it hurts how empty and sad I feel that you can't be here. This pain and longing I feel is very conflicting. Its only started in these last few weeks. And somehow, its also accompanied by fear. The fear of the reality if you were actually here, followed by the paranoia of being badly hurt or killed by you if you found me. And then guilt. Because, for whatever reason, being excited for her right now doesnt feel right. Even though, as her mother, I should be excited regardless. Its all too much. I found myself, just a few minutes ago, crying and begging her to just stop moving for a few minutes so I didn't have to think about you and I wouldnt have to feel so sad. How can I feel so empty when my body is holding two heartbeats? Every single time I feel her move now, it feels like this. Every time, the same thought rings around in my head. The thought that you should be here. So where are you, Alex? Playing some video game? Watching a stream on twitch? Working? Do think like this about me too? Its funny how you said you only wanted communication but if I send this, I probably won't get a reply. I wonder everyday how much progress you've made, if any. I wonder if you'll ever be able to be in her life. I wonder if I'll ever trust you again.

[lemontea-baddreams]

Its hardest at night because she moves so much, and because she's starting to get bigger, you can really feel it. And with every kick, all I can think about is how you should be here to feel them. I miss your hand on my belly at night. I miss talking about her with you. I miss being excited with you, even if it was in the shadow of so much worry and fear. Now there's just so much hurt.

Why couldn't you get yourself to better place? Why did you give up before you even tried? Why was everything else so important except for the few things that could've gotten you out of that RV? Who did you think was gonna pay for all the things she needs? Who did you think was gonna pay the bills and for an apartment for us? I tried. I really tried to take care of it myself. But being visibly pregnant with little experience doesn't exactly help my job search. And without a job, no landlord would even begin to consider us. I only got one call back. The day before I left town. You and me created this wonderful fantasy of this life we wanted together but I feel like I was the only one who really worked for it. Why didn't you work for it too? Was I just not good enough for you to want it enough? Was she not enough for you to want it?

You were my best friend. I could communicate with you better than I could with anyone else I had met in my life. I didn't cut you out of my life for no reason. It wasn't to be difficult or to make your life harder. It wasn't because I 'demonized' you or made you out to be someone your not. I loved you so much, that I lost myself. I let you manipulate me into staying. I let you break my rules and boundaries when it comes to my body and my soul. I let you change my entire view of the world for better or worse. And when it came down to it, I didn't like who I was when I with you. I didn't like the stress, the anger, the fights. I didn't like getting so worked up and frustrated that we turned to violence. That's not me. That's never been who I am or what I stand for. When that started happening, I knew that I had lost myself completely. And I knew you did too.

I don't know if you'll ever find yourself again. If you continued like you were when I left, I know you won't. I couldn't stay, with how stagnant you were. You got stuck. And then dug the hole deeper.

If you ever want to be in our lives again you have to work. Get to your own job, get to Texas on your own, show me that you really want it. Find the kindness that lives in your soul. Find the strength to mend the illness that lives in your head. Motivate yourself to get where you need to be. Because even through all the confusion and heartbreak of leaving you. Through all the anger and frustration. I still think you should be here. So where are you?

[lemontea-baddreams]

Im sorry. Im sorry for the anger, for the harshness. Im sorry that i hurt you and probably damaged you more. I only ever wanted to heal you and help you. But it got to be too much for me. Constantly having to watch for things that could be abusive. Having to explain why it was wrong, even though you would disagree or wind up more confused. Im sorry that I did somethings that were abusive too. Like holding you at the standard that i hold myself too, except never letting you make a mistake and getting so angry when you did. I got angry because i was scared. I was scared that if i didnt get visibly angry, if I started letting mistakes slide, we would go backwards. And I would end up miserable again. Im sorry that I have so much trouble communicating. It feels like with everyone else in my life, Im at peak communication and they know whats up. But with you, its like there’s a wall. I was afraid of making you upset. When we are on good terms, Im afraid of upsetting us, because we’re so explosive. And I dont like getting in fights with anyone. I dont like to get into serious arguements with anyone. Please understand that I never wanted us to be this way. I wasnt thinking ahead when all the emotional abuse started because i thought we would just work it out somehow. I never wanted to fall out of love with you. For the longest time, you were the only future I imagined. But things got so messed up and we both started to show who we really are in these tough times. And I know we both just want to improve ourselves and live the happiest most fullfilling life possible. But at this point, with our personalities and ideas of what is right and what is wrong being so different, we’re going to have to spend some time apart. I dont want to fight. I dont to do this back and forth shit. I dont want to hurt you anymore and i dont want to get hurt anymore. You are the absolute best friend Ive ever had and I love you. But I dont like who I am right now and I dont like who you are right now. We need time apart. Im sorry that I couldnt type this out effectively sooner. I needed to sober up a bit.