I am still at a loss for words, though I have tried so hard to compose this letter.
How does one grieve for someone that they do not know? That was my first thought when I saw the news about your death. How do I grieve for you? How can I when I feel that I have no right to? I felt like I knew you; in some way. Even though I thought I had, I obviously didn't.
I know that there are thousands of people grieving for you all across the globe. Even though I am one of those people, I feel that my grief is insufficient for what I'm feeling inside. Today, I put on a smile and am pretending that I'm not hurting right now. I don't know what else to do other than pretend right now. But isn't that what you were doing too? If you hadn't been, wouldn't I have seen this coming? Wouldn't I have tried harder to support you and to remind you of your worth and importance in this world? Wouldn't we all have?
You were one of the first Korean idols that I ever liked. I remember being drawn in by the colorful costumes, the happy songs, and that charming smile. I remembering watching video after video of you dancing your way across stages at concerts I knew I'd never be able to attend. I was awed by your natural elegance and subtle charisma.
You were engrained in my mind as someone to look up to; someone to aspire to be. You were professional, you were talented, you were funny, and you were kind. You were a constant reminder that the pain and struggles of a budding career could be turned into reminders of what it can take to reach success. But that wasn't enough for you. I think everyone knew you longed for something more, something to a higher degree. Something that surpassed and wasn't defined by success: you longed for happiness.
I feel in some way that I have failed you. I know how it feels to be surrounded by love but still feel utterly alone in your pain. I know. If I had tried harder to support you in the small ways that I could, would it have helped? I don't know. Maybe it wouldn't have.
In parting, all I can say is that your physical absence does not mean you are no longer a part of SHINee. Nor does it mean you will ever be forgotten. You will forever be a part of SHINee. You will forever be a part of my life, and you are missed. But I truly hope that you are now at peace. You are loved.