long awaited day 7 (+sucky life update) : infinity
the morning my girlfriend broke up with me, i held her tightly, and we wept. in each other’s arms for the last time, i whispered my unconditional love into her ear, wondering if i was still allowed to kiss her head. i played with her tear-soaked hair. she returned my sweatshirt, and i gave her shorts back. i traced the freckles and scars on her arms and tried my best to commit them all to memory. i thought that this surely was not customary for a breakup, but it didn’t matter. since when were we ever conventional?
she said she was sorry. i said I knew. we said goodbye four times before finally untangling ourselves, peeling our wet cheeks apart, laughing softly at what a mess we looked. on my front porch, i asked permission to kiss her one final time. as always, i kissed her five times: lips, nose, forehead, nose, lips. i watched her walk to her car and drive away through the window on the door, and shuffled slowly back to my bedroom, unsure of my own steps.
the day my girlfriend broke up with me, i went for a walk with my friend. i changed out of the clothes she had last touched me in and neglected to put them in the hamper. i tucked the necklace with our initials under my t-shirt and hesitated when putting on the gifted rings. i got into my friend’s car, immediately reminded her “scent sisterhood” with her. i breathed deeply through the open window; allowed the warm air to rush over me and muss up my hair. her robust vanilla perfume clung to me out the window. it followed me into the woods and through the thick brush, mixing with the earthy aroma of the reservation. with my friend insisting i lead us down the narrow path, it was almost like she was following behind me. forgetting Orpheus’ dire mistake, i looked back once or twice, just to be sure.
the night my girlfriend broke up with me, i ate dinner with my family. we watched TV. i laughed. i retired to my bedroom when it was time, and changed back into my clothes from earlier, her sweet musky scent lingering. i sat on my floor, shell-shocked. i cried listening to “Storms.” i cried listening to “I’m on Fire.” i cried listening to—well, you get the gist. i looked at old photos, stalked her on instagram, and felt my stomach churn. i thought about when i should take down all the photos of her strewn about my room; when i should change my lock screen; when i should stop sleeping with the stuffed bear she bought me. i thought about how there are little bits of her in every part of my soul, and wondered if i would have to sever myself from those as well. i thought also about how there are little bits of us in every part of this town. every cafe we ever got lunch in, every side road we ever parked her car on to make out before parting ways for the night, every friend and family member we ever shared our love with. if my friend and i had gone down a different path, we would have passed the tree we carved our initials and “∞” into.
i lay my head on my pillow and willed myself to think of anything but her, but of course, it was useless to even try. i finally drifted off to sleep, envisioning the way her eyes used to meet mine, hooded and lovesick. i dreamt up a world where i could have a lifetime of those eyes looking up from underneath me. clutching my stuffed bear, I dreamed of infinity.
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